The Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect

Chapter Three: Wine, Women, Song.

I Don't Own BioWare

He used to be an adventurer like you, but then he took an arrow in the knee and became a mercenary instead.

It is estimated that one of his snarls has the same kinetic power as a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick and a Garrus Vakarian headshot put together.

He never has sex after the first date. That would imply that women could wait through dinner before they start tearing their clothes off.

Once, out of loyalty, one of his men claimed to be him to a turian investigator. After he was executed, the turians realised that they had killed the wrong man. No spontaneous combustions or gunfights had occurred.

He is Zaeed Massani, the galaxy's Most Interesting Man.

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN WILL NOW GIVE US HIS OPINION ON SPOILERS

Zaeed examined his latest gold assault rifle. "Not a guddamn one."

WHAT IS HIS OPINION ON HATERS?

This time, he leaned closer. "Listen mates, if you're too bloody stupid to see that all characters have their good points and bad points, then you're playing the wrong bloody type of game. I read one more post on Space Tube calling that Spectre Williams a racist bitch and I'm gonna (the following has been censored due to internet rating laws)."

Having finished, Zaeed leaned back. "But you shouldn't get angry at haters. You should be more like me. If you don't like something, stand up and walk away. Then come back twenty years later and burn that motherfucker with a blowtorch."

HE TELLS US WHY HE PICKED UP MERCENARY WORK

"It's quite simple," Zaeed explained. "As long as there's two people in this galaxy still alive, someone's going to want someone else dead, and they're gonna pay someone else to do it."

WHAT DOES HE THINK OF SHIPPERS?

Zaeed looked frankly at the cameras. "Bitches be crazy."

He once told an elcor to speak clearly, the entire species followed his advice.

Many suspect that he is actually a future incarnation of The Doctor...or an earlier version.

Water-boarding is not considered to be real torture because it doesn't work on him.

It is estimated that he has slept with roughly five times as many women as Casanova, using half as many words.

They made Ashley Williams a Spectre on his recommendation.

Tom Clancy considered writing a book about him, then dismissed it, because Tom Clancy's books have to sound like they could happen in real life.

James Vega was skinny before he introduced him to his work out plan.

He is the only man alive who has read and understood the United States Tax code.

Many consider drell assassins to the pinnacle of martial prowess. He considers them to be promising new guys.

Many consider the SPECTREs to be the greatest operates known to the galaxy. He considers them decent enough amateurs.

Many think that Councillor Tevos is the greatest asari politician in the galaxy. He considers her to be that wild chick with the big earings from spring break.

He slept with Shepard's mother...and didn't call her back.

He would have been Saren's daddy, but a varren beat him over the fence...nah, just kidding, he let the varren win.

He once punched Vyrnnus so hard, he spent the rest of his life bullying humans to make himself feel better.

Michael Bay offered to make a movie about him, then decided that he couldn't supply the necessary amount of explosive awesomeness.

He once blew up the Eiffel Tower just to impress a girl, then rebuilt it single handed to impress another one.

The Gracie Brothers invented Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in the belief that in a hundred and eighty years, someone could use it to defeat him.

They failed...but it was the closest anyone's ever gotten.

He went fishing on the Presidium...he caught a shark.

It is rumoured that he is in fact, a Brony. Because of that, it is now considered manly to watch MLP: Friendship is Magic.

He is the father of the Big Ben Sniper.

Turian females get chafing from sleeping with him.

Drell females can hallucinate just by licking his skin.

Salarian females find him sexually attractive.

He only sleeps with the most attractive female Cerberus agents that come to kill him, the rest he kills.

Samara meditates to try and keep her desires for him under control.

Garrus calibrates so he won't risk running into him.

His virility is so legendary, it is believed that he can actually impregnate a krogan.

The krogan keep their females hidden in secure encampments just so he can't get near them.

Women give him their phone numbers.

Then they call him, just to make sure he got them.

He once went back in time and fought Anderson Silva to a draw in a UFC match. Since that is the closest anyone has ever come to beating Anderson Silva, we accepted that as being worthy off this list.

He is Hans Zimmer's muse.

The character of Ramirez in Modern Warfare 2 was created just to show people how much the Most Interesting Man in the Galaxy gets done on an average day.

He is, quite simply, the Galaxy's Most Interesting Man.

A/N: Did you honestly think he was gone forever?

BTW, Chapter 9 for The Siege of Shanxi is almost done, and I've gotten a start on the next chapter of Changing Fate.