A/N: This is what I would like to call a drabble. I wrote it years ago, but just now got to typing it out. It's kind of sad, but seems probable. Oh yeah, this is post Ootp just before HBP.

Warnings: Slash. That's about it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about it. Really.

Living Hell

"Right you are," I said smiling that deceiving fake smile that I had grown accustomed to using since that night. "I'm going to head off to bed, good night." With that said, I left the room and headed up the stairs of Number 12 Grimmald Place to the room that I had been staying in.

When the faint click on the door reached my ears, the fake smile slipped from my lips as I leaned against the wall and slid down to sit on the floor. After I pulled my knees to my chest, my eyes lifted to rest on an old picture frame that held the last picture taken… of you.

I never let them see me this way. Longing to hear you voice, your barking laughter; waiting to feel your brief yet lingering touches… Wanting with all my heart to finally tell you how I feel. I never let them hear my sobs at night when I'm alone, see my tears of desperate longing for you. No one knows that I'm slowly dying inside, slowly losing my mind.

If I had known that I would never see you again, I would have actually told you my feelings.


Sirius stopped and turned to face his friend with a curious expression on his slightly ragged features, "What is it, Remus?" he asked with a slight tilt of his head.

Remus stood silent for a moment as if trying to figure something out. His mind was going a mile-a-minute. "Well… I…" he trailed off as he stared at his long time friend. "I want you to stay here while we go to the Ministry," he said as he turned away. The werewolf couldn't bring himself to tell Sirius, he was too afraid that he would lose what he had of the other man, which wasn't much anymore.

Sirius gave him a look before he turned away from Remus and left the room.

'I love you, but I will never have you the way I want. So you will never know. I'm not going to ruin what I have. Just having you near is enough. Just hearing your voice is fine for me. I'm happy just being your friend.'

At least that's what Remus thought.

I forced the memory from the forefront of my mind as I felt the prickling of tears at the corners of my eyes. I didn't even notice I was crying until I felt the warmth of salty tears on my cheeks, leaving faintly burning trails on my freezing flesh. This happened often enough now. It's getting harder and harder to deal with. This horrible wrenching pain didn't lessen with time, it only managed to worsen.

I didn't go to your funeral. I didn't think I could bear looking at an empty coffin and listen to people you didn't know say nice things about you. I didn't want them to see me break down. I needed to appear strong. Just the thought could bring more tears to my eyes. Everyone would ask me why I didn't attend. Every time I repeated, "I don't believe that he's gone." Eventually people stopped asking as it seemed as if the more they asked, the more I seemed to lose my mind.

I know that you're gone, but I can't help but think that you're going to burst though the door loudly laughing and claiming that you fooled us all. The prank of the century.

Slowly, I stood and made my way to the bed, your bed, and sat down. The tears had yet to dry and I didn't expect them too any time soon. After that night… I moved into your room so that I could pretend that you were still here. So that I could still taken in your scent and almost hear your voice shaking with laughter.

It eats at me, the deep despair that I've felt since the night I lost you. I don't know what to do anymore. It wont heal. Tonks claims that she's in love with me, but I can't return her feelings, not even a little. I love you too much.

What should I do Sirius? Should I try to move on? That's what you would want me to do, but I can't seem to. You inhabit my waking thoughts and my dreams as if you never left. As if you're still here with me.

I want to die so that I could forever be with you again. So that we can laugh and joke just like we did when still in school.

But I can't. I have to remain here to protect Harry for you. And for James. I won't let you down, Sirius. Only that keeps me alive and sane enough to pretend that I'm okay. Harry needs me.

Will you wait for me, Sirius? Until I die, will you wait? I will soon be with you where ever you are, no matter what.

I love you, Sirius black, and nothing will ever change that. Ever.

Wait for me…