Mommy, How Do They Do That?

By: Theodore 'Blitz' Leung

theoleung@sprint.ca

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, Squaresoft does, I'm just an author making fun of their mini game.

Author's Note: Well, this would be my second chance at a Humour fic, dabbling into Final Fantasy X, my first being into Final Fantasy 9. I gave the same warnings as I do then, I'm not a very good humour writer, and it may be dry humour, but some people seemed to enjoy that before, so I'll try it again.

The BlitzBall player grabbed the ball, initiating the start of the five minute first half of the BlitzBall game. The centre, being an idiot AI controlled player he is, rushes headfirst into the opposing centre, left wing, and right wing player. The ball handler gulps and panics, trying to find a way out.

"Quick, Venom Tackle 3!" the centre shouts, reeling back and preparing the strike.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait…!!!!!" the ball handler exclaims, stopping the Venom Tackle 3 with his protests. No one seems to care, time is halted for such mind bending decisions as these. "Can't you be a little more…civilized?" The three attackers exchange glances, shrugging.

"What would you recommend then?" the left wing asked, crossing his arms and waiting patiently.

"Well, I only have an Endurance rating of 4, can't you do something…just…a little less…poisony?" the ball handler pleaded, bowing his head. The right wing scratched the back of his head, wondering.

"Alright…um…how about…a Wither Tackle 2?" he offered, reeling back and preparing to attack.

"I'd prefer not…my Passing rating is already 6, I don't need it halved either…" he protested, juggling the ball around between his hands. The three exchanged glances again.

"How about a Nap Tackle?" the left wing suggested, wondering if that was satisfactory enough.

"Hmm…yeah…that just might do it…" the ball handler responded, thinking. "It wouldn't hurt that much, and I'd take a nap. I wouldn't have to worry about being attacked…and-"

POW! The centre slammed his fists into the ball handler and stole the ball, glancing left and right for no particular reason as the opposing wingers were where they were, at the wings, not moving since their entire conversation on choosing a tackle. Without hesitation, he rushed forward, making a blatant charge for the net. The napping centre of course couldn't chase, and wingers were running circles in the spot for some odd reason. The centre approached the net, only mere INCHES away from the goalie, deciding to take the shot. Both defenders were there to stop him.

"Alright, you can't stop me! I have my Super Hyper Dynamic Bouncy Reflecting Uber Omni Giga Unblockable Mega Blitz Shot MARK XXX!!" the centre exclaimed. Dropping the ball and kicking it towards the first defender. The ball bounced off her head and back towards the centre, who in turn, leaped up (somehow), showed off a back flip that kicked the ball into the other defender's face, which repelled back. A 180 degree spin with a back punch threw the ball back into the first defender who then bounced into the second defender then back into the first like a ball between two pinball bumpers. It finally sailed back to the shooter, who quickly spun 10800 degrees and then blasted the ball at the goalie who was still only INCHES away.

After a minute of waiting, the ball FINALLY sails towards the net, flying PAST the shooter, PAST the defenders, and then towards the goalie. Some how, the ball stopped right in front of the goalie, who sized up the situation, prepared his Grip Gloves to attempt to catch it, then waited as his Catching rating fluctuated with the Super Goalie ability. Then, after that was settled, the ball just shot into the net, with no chance of catching it. You'd think they wouldn't even try if they couldn't catch it. Ah well. GOAL!!

* * * * * *

The Blitzball was back into the hands of the once sleeping centre, who was rudely awakened by his team mates and the crowd who cheered like mad men on the first goal that took abnormally long to score. Once again, being the stupid AI he was, he tried to rush through the centre and once again meeting the three.

"Um…" he started, but before he could even protest, the right winger smacked him to sleep again with a Nap Tackle, stealing the ball from the sleeping body in the water. With a triumphant cry, the right wing swam forward with all his speed. He climbs the right flank, as the opposing right wing seems to be swimming in circles again…

Time freezes! The ball handler swings back a few feet as the defender he engaged swings back as well, giving them some breathing space. The defender tackles, but somehow, without even think and without even a single movement, the ball handler 'leaps!' up and somersaults over the defender, evading the attack. With a triumphant cry, he continued forward until he's almost at the net, all open. He stops, and prepares for his next action. Slowly, he pulls the ball back…

…and passes it ALL the way back to his own defender! Unfortunately for him, shooters tend to have really bad Passing stats. The ball sails to the defender, but because it basically dwindled to about negative a trillion, she fumbles the ball! Somehow, it floats off somewhere as every player freezes watching. Slowly, it floats to the other defender, who…initiates a Volley Shot 2! She FIRES it off from the defence line, with her TWO Shoot rating! It flies…and flies…and flies…past all the motionless players and right towards the net.

Once again, the ball halts for seconds in front of the goalie, as he quickly gets his Grip Gloves on and then runs the Super Goalie ability again, though he SHOULD be able to catch it, considering it was already at something like minus infinity, but that's beside the point. It's the principle of things!

The goalie leaps for the ball and fumbles it! It goes flying off, into the hands of an ally defender who…what's this? Fires off her own Volley Shot, using her high Shooting rating of 6! Once again the ball sails forth, past all the motionless players, and they way the shoot was angled, it seemed to go through one of the player's head. Oh well, it reaches the net and…

* * * * * *

The fans were cheering wildly as the ball sailed back in forth in a spectacular display of defenders firing Volley Shots at each other's net with no hope of scoring. In the stands, a pair are watching, a mother and her child, holding onto the side and watching with not as much enthusiasm as the other patrons.

"Mommy, how come it's only five minute halves?" the child asked her mother, who was too into the game to actually notice her child ask that. When asked again, she finally snapped back to her child.

"Just because they felt like it," she answered quickly, continuing to watch the ball bounce fro and back in the sphere like volleyball. Shrugging, the child went back to the game, though another question struck.

"Mommy, how do they breath underwater for so long?" the child asked next, but didn't get an answer. He returned back to the game as the halftime buzzer rang. On cue, every player in the field started gagging, unable to hold their breath any longer as they made a long and quick swim to the edge of the sphere, where they just…fell out?

The child was satisfied, finding out why the game of BlitzBall only had 5 minute halves. He sat back down, waiting for the players to hyperventilate while gasping for air and then commencing into the second half.

* * * * * *

The second half began as the ball was thrown straight to the top of the sphere before coming down and conveniently landing onto the hands of the awaiting centre. He gasped, surprised as he saw the three opposing forwards charge him.

"Oh, screw THIS!" he exclaimed, before throwing the ball to the closest enemy forward, the left winger at the time. He then induced sleep on himself, somehow, though. It was odd enough to be sleeping in a pool of water suspended with a sphere, but odder yet he induced it on himself. The left wing didn't mind though, rushing forward in an attempt to expand past their current 1-0 lead. He charged forward, deciding to shoot before his opponent's defence could engage him. He dropped the ball and kicked it hard. Somehow, the ball zig zagged left and right, up and down, before finally heading back onto its original path, not deviating at all. Once again, it froze just right in front of the goalie, and once again, he applied his Grip Gloves, then his Super Goalie ability, and then he caught it, yes, caught it.

Triumphantly, he threw the ball back into the field of play, ricocheting off the sleeping centre, awakening him. He gasped in surprise, but the ball was already past his reach and landed into the hand of the ally left winger. With his pursuit back at his net, only the defence and goalie would hinder his path. He approached the first defender, preparing to endure the hit of the defence and continue on.

"You're can't stop me!" he gloated, holding out the ball to them mockingly. Both defence exchanged glances, before leaping forward, tackling the winger with no remorse. He was knocked out, not to a Nap Tackle, just to the fact his Endurance rating was around 15 versus the combined power of 50 from the defence.

The new ball handler passed the ball to the front line, only to have it fumbled by the idiot centre of their team. It landed right into the hands of the left defender, who stared at the ball. She was approached by one of the opposing forwards.

"You're mine baby!" he taunted, before diving forward for the ball. He halted just short of collision, staring into her eyes, infatuated with her beauty.

"What?" she asked, wondering what was going through the attackers mind at the moment.

"You're the most ravishing women I've ever seen…" he muttered, eyes wide, admiring her figure. She blinked once, then twice.

"Are you trying to…HIT ON ME?" she gasped, obviously disgusted, but that didn't seem to affect the attacker.

"How about you hold my ball after this game," he offered, and then the female defender just had enough.

"You low down, disgusting, obnoxious…PIG!" she screamed, before kicking the ball in uncontrollable anger, which, knocked the air of the attacker from…well, we'll pass on that.

The ball sailed past everyone at Mach 10 speeds, throwing the one who reflected the attack right into the stands, holding his area. He groaned in agony and pain, eyes closed tightly. Slowly, he recovered, opening his eyes, seeing about 15 women watching over him.

"Um…hi ladies…" he mumbled, trying on a sly grin as he glanced at each of them, rather dirtily. They gasped.

"You PIG!" they all screamed, before piling onto the player and using their purses and fists to beat the player into the ground. Surrounding spectators sweat dropped, before turning back to the game, trying not to let the fight bother them.

Oh, by the wall, the way the ball was flying, it scored, throwing the goalie into his own net and tying the game at 1-1. The buzzer went off for the end of the game, as the players once again gagged for air, except for the angered female defender and the knocked out male offender. He was…well…let's just say he won't be playing BlitzBall for the next few years.

"Humph, serves him right," the defender muttered, going to join her suffocating team mates in their locker room.

Fin

Author's note: Well, that ends that. Another lame-o, dry humour-ful fic by this stupid author. Short, sweet, and I'm trying to bash the physics of BlitzBall, though I enjoy the game. I wonder if I did a good job. Ah well. Hope you enjoyed reading it.