Mommy, Why Do They Do That?

By: Theodore 'Blitz' Leung

theoleung@sprint.ca

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy X, Squaresoft does. I'm just an author making fun of their mini-game (AGAIN)

Author's Note: Welcome to the second installation of the growing single-chapter-fic in a FFX Humour fic. That made no sense what so ever at all, but I'm not suppose to make sense. Ah well, time for the usual warnings that I generally suck at Humour fics and that if you appreciate dry humour, go right ahead and read. I'm warning you…I really suck…read at your own discretion of lameness and llama-ness! …okay that was bad…I'll just say my humour seems to work, so I'll keep working on it.


With the sound of a whistle and the great…spinning…of the BlitzBall as it is thrown into the…thrown up…it spins and spins and spins, deciding which side it wants to be on first. After a few seconds of deciding, it mysteriously vanishes and reappears into the hand of the centre, who just happened to leap for it in a fight against the opposing centre, but both are miles apart. Strange, but no use complaining, let's watch as the game is up and running!

The centre glances around, making sure no one was nearby, though that would seem rather unlikely considering it's the start of the game and NO ONE is suppose to be near you.

"Let's go!" the centre shouts out in muffled cry through the water that no one can hear, but he didn't care, he rushed forward…straight into the three forwards of the opposing team.

"Hah, I'm not afraid of you!" he shouted, before getting a massive punch to the face. Somehow, he held onto the ball, clutching his bruised face.

"!@#@!$#$@!$!@$#@!#$!@$#@%$@!%$#@^#^#$%#@$#@!^%$#!#@$$~$#@!%%%(%$#!%&@($#*(!)&#@%($#)(!)(%)()%&$)(&%&$@%&#!(&%@!&#(%&(#@&(%~&#@()~#&%()#(&)@#%(&#@%(&$%))$&)(#$()@~(#@%&&#~@()%(~)@#(&~(&#@%(&%~%(~%#(%(#%&~#@" he cursed loudly and for obscenely amounts of time. Angered, he reeled his arm back, preparing his attack.

"NAP PASS 3!" he exclaimed, throwing the ball to the closest ally forward: the left wing. Somehow, the ball curved back towards the closest enemy forward, knocking him to sleep and bouncing towards the next forward, putting her to sleep before CURVING back towards the left winger, who caught it and somersaulted with the force. Grinning, the left forward rushed…er…forward…heading straight for the net with only the defence to oppose him.

"Let's have some fun!" the forward remarked, giving a few winks towards the defence. Disgusted, the first defender rushed forward into a Venom Tackle 3.

"Oh no, Left Forward has been poisoned!" the left forward shouted out, gagging as he turned…green…with a cloud around his body. With inspiration to cause bodily harm in…many regions of the body, the second defender lunged forward into a……

A regular tackle with an attack rating of four…who the hell makes these roster line ups?! Ah well, the left forward is now unopposed, shooting with his uncontested shooting skill against the goalie with…

…with 6 catching ability! Upon closer inspection…we see his tech list:

Grip Gloves!

Super Goalie!

Anti-Wither

Volley Shot!....?

Sphere….Shot…?

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH~~

Anyway, I won't even bother with the dramatics. The ball is shot and scored, without nothing else in a brilliant display of flashiness as the goalie couldn't reach it. Well, so much for not being dramatic.

* * * * * *

Once again, the ball begins to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin…okay, I'm getting dizzy.

The BlitzBall is thrown into the…thrown up and then mysteriously materializes into the hands of the centre on the losing team. Grinning, he rushed forward with his 74 speed rating! Nothing can keep up! Faster then a speeding…BlitzBall! He rushed forward, weaving through the network of opposing players, unopposed as no one can touch him. Grinning again, he led the pursuing five away from the other forwards.

"Those incompetent idiots…" he remarked, not realizing the centre himself was also an incompetent idiot, but that was beside the point. Without any opposition, he threw the ball forward towards the forward farthest away from the column of pursuers. They halted, the revelation dawning on them as they watched…emotionless…as the ball just sailed by…and…hey, did the ball just go through one of their heads? Oh hell, who cares, it ended up in the hands of the forward, who quickly shoot it into the net with his superior shooting ability.

GOAL!!!

* * * * * *

Start of the third face off, and the score is tied 1-1! So far, we have had an amazing display of players using geometry to its advantage as well as the incompetent pillar of fools who shouldn't chase then anyone they can't chase. The strategies are tight and…and…and…and…and…and…rather STUPID, but it doesn't matter if it works.

Back on topic, the centre grabs the ball, the original centre, since the baka author doesn't specify anything anyway, leaving it to your imagin-

*Narrator is promptly toasted*

The centre grabs the ball, this time not taking the time to Nap Pass or anything technical like that, just passes it straight off to the right forward this time. Without further adeu, the right forward quickly swam forward, dodging all attacks thus far with relative ease until he hit the wall of defenders right in front of the net, mind you, somehow avoiding the guy with 74 speed, but we'll ignore that discrepancy for now.

"…why can't I swim up and down like in the cool CG scenes?" the right forward wondered, recalling the pretty images…

Shaking the thought out of his mind, he confronted the…five…opting to shoot his way through everything!

…oh great…the right forward just initiated the speech…

"You fool!"

"Alone you may beat us!"

"But together you will not!"

"For there are strength in numbers!"

"And we are the…"

All together now…

"Blitzer RANGERS!" *All five strike a pose*

Cue sweatdrop please…you know what, forget about it, the right forward is probably already embarrassed for fighting these kinds of…Blitzers anyway.

The first…for lack of better term…Ranger strikes, rushing forward…only to hit water as the right forward initiates a Tackle Slip tech!

Wait, here comes the second Ranger…striking…rushing forward…oh no! He hits water too as another Tackle Slip is activated!

And the third…

And the fourth…

And the…oh hell, I won't even finish the sentence. So much for the Rangers…

You know what, if the Rangers can't even stop this one lone attacker with their own team, I won't even bother narrating this next part. It's so sad and disgusting. I mean, how can five people not take down one lone person? These Blitzer Rangers must SUCK and I mean S-U-C-K and SUCK a lot of $#-…

*ZAP*

The right forward shoots and scores.

* * * * * *

Blitzoff!

The…for lack of better ways to describe…centre grabs the ball, using his 74 speed to his fullest and rushing forward AGAIN, weaving through the intricate web of players which he so easily dodged, and dodged, and dodged.

The last line of defence lay in the hands of one defender in front of the net. They faced off.

"Hi, my name is Botta, I have slightly high attack power and basically suck in all other fields, including Passing and Endurance. My techniques range from Venom Shoot 3, Venom Pass 3, Venom Tackle 3, Pile Venom…and um…

"Elite Defence, right?" the centre asked.

"Actaully, Sphere Shot."

"…what the !@$(#@!&%#($%@$!%(!$(%($!%$!%!$()%*$@)(%&!$@(!)#@!$#@%)($!%()$!%*$@)(%$@)&%)$@)(%)((%)$@%*)*$)%()$%()@#)($@)(%)$@%()$!(%)$@%@$#%!#@(%!($@%$(%&(@%(&@$#%(!#@(%!#@(%(!@$%($(%!@#($%$@(%($@(%!($%($@(%&@#(%&(@%(#@(%@#(%(!#@%((@$%(!@$%(&!@(%&(@!$(%&(!&$@%(&$(%&($&%($#&@(@#($(#@*($@%$%&(#@ are you doing with SPHERE SHOT?!"

"I don't know," Botta replied, shrugging. "Oh, by the way, you may want to shoot before you run out of ti-…oh, too late, there goes the buzzer."

"….!@#!@$#!$#$!#@$#@$!@#!#@%$@!%!@$!@#$!@#$!@#%#@%$@#@$#@%$@!%$#@#@%!$#@%(&%!($@%()$@*)(%($@)%(&!@#)$()*#(!@%*($@)(%&#@($*#!*@)(($()%$!(%*($&%$#(%)$)$!#^*$!#(^!@)()*#@%!()$*^!)$(&%)(#@&%)(!@&$)($!)(%)(&$#$!(*(^!($#!($@%($@!(%(#@!*%^$@!()^%($@*!^%(@$()%(!@#()^!(^!&..."

"Geeze, you make Cid look nice…"

* * * * * *

The child tugged on his mother's jacket, trying to get her attention, though she was still drawn into the game, despite it being halftime. Another tug got her attention.

"Mommy, why do they have to be so incompetent…?" the child asked, making her mother gasped.

"My, how did you learn that word?!" the mother questioned, not hearing such a sophisticated word from such a small child before.

"The narrator used it, do you know why?" the child asked, ignorant.

"Oh, it's just because the narrator is an idiot, that's why," the mother answered, returning her attention to the game that was going through halftime.

And she calls me an idiot, she's cheering for a non-existent halftime show.

"Mommy, why do they swear so much? Why am I at a game like this? I shouldn't be hearing those words, should I?" the child asked, bombarding her mother with questions as she starred dubiously at her child.

"I'll give you 500 gill if you can shut up and watch the game," she replied, dropping 500 gill into her child's hand. The child grinned lightly, drawing his attention back towards the non-existent halftime show.

* * * * * *

The score is 2-1 at the start of the first blitzoff on the second half and the intensity is on! The…'Rangers'…are pressed to make another goal but their opposition ends up with the ball first. In an attempt to stall for time, the centre quickly throws the ball backwards to Botta. The Besaid Auroch caught the ball, holding onto it tightly while waiting for the forwards of the Rangers to rush forward and reclaim it. They kept rushing, and rushing, and rushing, stopping a few feet away from Botta. They exchanged glances, then quickly swam backwards towards their starting position, making Botta wonder.

When there, all the Rangers started swimming in circles on the spot, as though they were dancing…synchronized dancing…the opposing team stared, wondering, as Botta watched in wonderment.

…soon, everyone but Botta was swimming in circles, with nothing to do but to…swim.

"Oh m GAH…this isn't BlitzBall, this is synchronized swimming!" Botta exclaimed, much afraid now of his team mates and his opposition. He held the ball close, curling up into a ball himself and clasping his hands together.

"Oh please lord…make this torture stop, I promise I won't sin again, this is too much torture, how could you make them synchronize swim like that?! How?! WHY?! It's too much…" Botta cried out, weeping as the torture continued and continued.

"Come on Botta…stay strong…for the good of the team…stay strong…" he whispered, trying to ignore the dancing and the crowd who was still cheering despite the…um…revelation. Geeze, they're all incompetent, aren't they?

And there goes the buzzer (thank God). Well, I hope you all enjoyed that session of BlitzBall today at Luca Stadium!

Fin

Author's Note: Well, that ends that. And yes, some of this did happen…you can tell I've been Blitzing too long if I can do all this. Anyway, it was rather stupid and the what not, but I took at shot at it. I'm tired…I'm very tired…and my humour is dry and sucky, but people to seem to enjoy it, so I will continue to write in sucky and dry humour. Maybe I'll make another fic that bashes BlitzBall…hmm…more like specific teams, whee!