Romeo and Juliet....redneck style

By: Shannon

NOTE: I don't own the rights to the play nor am I a redneck. This is just out of fun and humor. I'm NOT going to include every scene of the play, sorry. Please make an effort to read this. I spent a long time writing it.

NAME CHANGES:

Juliet is "Julie"
Mercutio will be called "Curt"
The Nurse will be called "Maude"
Benvolio is "Ben"
Abraham is "Abe"
Paris is "Nelson Paris," the only yuppie, liberal Yankee in the play
Friar Lawrence is "Rev. Wilbur Lawrence"
The Prince is "the sheriff"
Peter, the nurse's servant is "Silas," Julie's little bro, but not really a servant
Lord Capulet is "Hank"
Lady Capulet is "Elly Lou"




NARRATOR (song sung to the tune of the "Beverly Hillbillies' theme song)

Come n' listen to my story bout' a real romance
Two young un's who met each other at a dance
Once their eyes met, it was love without a doubt,
They loved each other more than sausage and sauerkraut...
Love that is, real love, romantic love.......hey, did I mention that they were in love?

Despite their romance, their families are at odds
For several years, they've been tougher than steel rods,
Till one fine day, their young uns' tied the knot,
And the next few days, they were lyin' in a lot....
Lyin' in a grave that is....six feet under....sui-cide


SCENE: Small town of Verona. Population: 2550. [gun shot rings out] Population: 2549 [another gun shot] Population: 2548.

[Sampson and Gregory enter a public place in Verona, clad in plaid button shirts, NASCAR ball caps, stained overalls with one strap attached, and barefoot, each holding a Smith & Wesson rifle]

Sampson: Hey Gregory.

Gregory: Yeah Sam'son?

Sampson: What's gonna happen if we run into them Montague folk?

Gregory: Same as we always do, Sam'son. We start shootin.'

Sampson: Ahh right then. Say, wanna come fishin' later on?

Gregory: Sure. Got any bait? I done run out last weekend.

Sampson: I got plenty o' bait in the fridge in my backyard. The ol' lady's got some more in the freezer.

Gregory: Hold it, Sam'son! It's them Montague folk!

[Enter Balthasar and Abraham a.k.a "Abe." Both are clad in the same kind of clothes, carrying the same kind of rifle.]

Sampson [angry at the presence of the Montagues]: Y'all come any closer and I'll shoot! [aims the barrel of his rifle at Abe and Balthasar]

Abe: Hey, we all didn't do nuthin' to ya yet!

Balthasar: Yeah, why you all plannin' tuh pump us full o' lead fer?

Gregory: Y'all remember? We is all feudin' folk.

Abe: Oh yeah, I forgot.

Balthasar: FIGHT!

[Everyone grabs their guns.....men, women.....children gather slingshots and stones and start throwing them at each other.]

[Enter Benvolio a.k.a "Ben" from the Montagues and Tybalt from the Capulets]

Ben [fires a couple of shots in the air]: Hey, y'all stop this fightin'!

Tybalt: Benvolio, you nutcase! Y'all tell these people tuh stop this here fightin', and y'all have yer Smith & Wesson cocked an' loaded.

Ben: I'm tryin' to make a point, Tybalt. I was tryin' to get ever' one's attention.

Tybalt: Well, I think yer yeller!

Ben: I ain't yeller!

Tybalt: Hey, if you won't fight, then yer yeller!

Ben: I ain't yeller! I jus' don't wanna fight.

[Capulets taunt Benvolio by yelling, in a chant]

Tybalt: See, what did I tell you, Ben? If y'all don't fight, you is yeller!

Ben [thinks for a few seconds, then yells at the top of his lungs]: FIGHTTTTT!!!!!!!!

Tybalt: Now that's more like it.

[Everyone continues fighting until the Sheriff (prince in the original play) comes out on his horse]

Sheriff: HEY! Y'all stop this fightin' at once! Fer cryin' out loud, this is the THIRD time y'all take to fighin' in this here city! Haven't you learned your lesson?

Tybalt: Um, I forget.

Gregory: Yeah, I forget too.

Sampson [to Gregory]: You'd forget your head if'in weren't attached to yer neck!

Sheriff: All right you guys, break it up! If y'all wanted to fight, I'll give ya boxin' gloves but fightin' jus' ain't right! Get back to what y'all were doin' before y'alls was fightin'!

[Everyone grumbles and groans and goes back to what they were doing. Ben passes by a local Wal-Mart and finds Romeo Montague in the greeting card aisle. Romeo is more cowboy than he is hick. He has a face like Roy Rogers, clad in a plaid, button down shirt, jeans, cowboy boots, and wearing a cowboy hat. A guitar is strapped over his shoulder.]

Romeo: Dang, I wonder what card I should git her?

[Ben comes running into the greeting card aisle]

Ben: Romeo! How y'all doin'?

Romeo: Fine, I guess. I'm tryin' to look fer a card fer Rosaline.

Ben: Still in love with her?

Romeo: Yeah.

Ben: But she hates you.

Romeo: I know. But maybe she won't if I send her somethin'.

Ben: Romeo, you don't get it do you? Rosaline hates yer guts, man!

Romeo [sighs]: I feel like squattin' on my spurs, right now Ben.

Ben: C'mon Romeo, let's go home.

[A little, shirtless, barefoot kid with a straw hat, wearing overalls approaches Ben and Romeo.]

Kid: Hey mister.

Ben: Look kid, I don't know where yer Ma is but she's probably somewhere in the bed n' bath section.

Kid: Naw, that ain't it. My ma's at home gittin' ready fer somethin'. She n' my pa are gettin' ready fer some kind of hoedown tonight. Free drinks and free food.

Romeo: Really? Where and when is it?

Kid: It's tonight about 7 in the p.m. in that thar barn next to the tavern in Verona.

Ben: Hey, Romeo, if we go to this here hoedown, we kin find ya a female!

Romeo: Oh, I dunno, Ben. I......

Ben: Yer goin' whether ya like it or not. Oh, by the way kid, what were ya gonna ask me?

Kid: I was wonderin' if y'all knew were the bathroom was.

Ben: Go down this aisle and make a left.

Kid: Thanks, cuz' I really gotta go!

[the kid makes a mad dash to the bathroom.]


SCENE: Juliet's (a.k.a "Julie" bedroom with Juliet, her nurse and Elly Lou Capulet a.k.a "Elly Lou."

Elly Lou [calling from the hallway]: If'in y'all don't git in this here room right this minute...

Julie: I'm here, Mama.

Elly Lou: That's a good girl, Julie Ann Capulet. [pats daughter on the head] Now what was it that we were discussin?

Nurse [will be named Maude from now on]: We's gonna talk marriage!

Elly Lou: Oh yes, Maude. Now see here, we's wanted to know if you're ready fer marriage?

Julie: Ma, I'm 17, I just got my driver's license! Why would I wanna go out and git married fer?

Elly Lou: Well, me an' your pa got married when we were....

Julie: I know, I know....y'all got married when you all was 15 years old.

Elly Lou: Well, just think about it fer awhile.

Julie: Who do you plan marryin' off me to if I decide ta get married?

Elly Lou: A nice, Yankee fella by the name of Nelson Paris. I met him a few weeks ago when I was a-shoppin at those Neiman-Marcus places.

Julie: But I don' know im'!

Elly Lou: You'll meet him tonight at the hoedown dear. Now where on earth is that little brother of yours?

[Little kid comes running in the room. His name is Silas]

Silas: Ever' thing's ready Ma! And I got yer siphon hose from Wal-Mart!

[Hands his mom the siphon hose]

Elly Lou: Why thank you, Silas! [kisses his head]


SCENE: A barn with a barbeque, a bar, and pick up trucks outside.

[Ben, Romeo, and Mercutio a.k.a "Curt" make their appearance, trying not to reveal themselves too much]

Ben: Hey Romeo, we all gotta git y'all on the dance floor!

Curt: Yeah Romeo, but we need ta git you a woman first.

Romeo: Nah, I'm fine. I'll jus' hang out here at the bar n' chew the fat w' the barkeep.

Ben: All right then. We'll be havin' lots o' fun while you jus' sit the night away. I'm gonna ask my cousin, Nancy Sue tuh' dance w' me.

[The two laugh and go off to have fun]

Romeo [to the bartender]: I'll jus' have a coke. I don' drink alky-hol.

Bartender: Right away, son. [passes him a coca cola] Now, finish that up and find yerself a girl. Plenty to go around.

Romeo: I'll think about it. [drinks his soda and turns to watch the people country-line dance]

[Everyone is dancing, having a good time until Julie and Romeo suddenly make eye contact. Meanwhile, her supposed suitor, Nelson Paris, clad in a Hawaiian shirt, white slacks, and a yuppy haircut, is trying to keep up with the line dancing.]

Nelson: You know something, this line dancing isn't for me, Julie. I'm going to go over to the bar and get a martini.

Julie [staring at Romeo]: Go right ahead. I don't care.

Nelson: You sure you don't want a soda or something?

Julie: Naw, I'm fine.

[Nelson shrugs his shoulders and heads over to the bar where Romeo is sitting, staring at Julie.]

Nelson [to Romeo]: Some party, eh, pal?

Romeo [still staring at Julie]: Yeah.

Nelson: Well, it's okay for me. I mean, I've never been to a hoedown before, much less a barbeque. Well, I don't go to barbeques anyway. Good thing this party has a salad bar. You see, I'm a vegan, and I think eating meat is just, totally cruel to animals, don't you think?

Romeo [ignoring Nelson's words and still staring at Julie]: Yeah.

Nelson: You know something. You remind me of my neighbor. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't talk that much. You can say just about anything to him but he'll only use one-word answers. Oh, and get this. When I drove over here, I saw nothing but pickup trucks all over the place! I mean, I feel like I'm the only guy here who has a BMW!

Romeo [not listening to Nelson]: That's nice.

Nelson: Yeah it is. I just got this new job as a marketing executive and I make about $70,000 a year, which is pretty nice. That's how I got the Beamer. I've wanted one since I was a kid. I just graduated from Harvard University with a bachelor's in marketing and next year, I'm going back for my master's degree.

[The dancing stops and everyone claps. Romeo notices that Julie is hanging out by the punch bowl on the other side of the room.]

Romeo: Uh, nice talkin' to you, Stranger.

Nelson: Nice talking to you too! We should do lunch sometime! You're a great listener, you know?

Romeo: Thanks.

[Romeo goes to the punch bowl and sees Julie]

Julie: Uh, hey stranger!

Romeo: Hey yourself. I saw you dancin'.

Julie: Well, I saw y'all over at that there bar talkin' with that weirdo.

Romeo: That Yankee feller?

Julie: His name is Nelson Paris.

Romeo: He's a weird feller. Talkin' bout bein' a vegan an' marketing an' his BMW an' stuff.

Julie: He's the only guy at this here party with a beamer! Ever' one else has a pickup truck.

Romeo: Y'all gotta be makin' millions tuh buy one of them beamer-mobiles.

Julie: So stranger, why are ya here?

Romeo: Well, my friends made me come so I can meet some women.

Julie: My ma made me come so I can meet a man.

Romeo: Well, I think we just kilt' two birds with one stone.

[The two of them hold each other and kiss.]

Julie: Y'all's a good kisser. You sure you ain't my cousin? [laughs]

Romeo: [Laughs] Heck no! I don't even know who you are.

Julie: I'm Julie.

Romeo: Nice ta' meet ya, Julie. I'm Romeo. Oh, by the way, who's your cousin?

Julie: Tybalt. Tybalt Capulet.

[Romeo remains speechless.]

Romeo [thinking to himself]: DANG! I just kissed a Capulet! [shrugs his shoulders] Oh well.

[The two kiss again]

[Tybalt notices Romeo and Julie necking at the punch bowl and runs to Julie's dad, Hank Capulet.]

Tybalt: Uncle, Uncle Hank!

[Hank is executing the "pull my finger" trick on his sister-in-law]

Hank: Why, you don't wanna pull my finger?

Sister-in-law: No way in heck I'd wanna pull your finger! Why oh why did my sister have to marry you? [walks off]

Hank: Aw come on, Peggy! The kids love it!

Tybalt: Uncle Hank!

Hank: What? Whaddah want Tybalt?

Tybalt: There's a Montague in our party!

[Romeo and Julie notice Tybalt talking with Hank and they quickly break it up and start chatting.]

Hank: Now, where is this here Montague?

Tybalt: Over there, by the punch table. [points to the punch table to find Romeo and Julie talking.]

Hank: Oh fer cryin' out loud, Tybalt. That's just Romeo.

Tybalt: So? He's a Montague. Now where's my Smith & Wesson?

Hank: You can ferget about gettin' yer gun, Tybalt because there ain't gonna be any shootin' in this here party. Romeo's a good un,' leave the kid alone. If you weren't my son, I'd give y'all the lickin' of yer life! Now scram!

[Tybalt sighs heavily and walks off]

[Some time later, the party ends. Romeo follows Julie to her room and they start to talk.]

Romeo: I think yer awful purty, Julie.

Julie: An' I think yer downright handsome, Romeo. My pa's been sayin' bad stuff bout' yer pa and all.

Romeo: Yeah, my pa says bad stuff bout' yer pa, too. I wish they wouldn't be feudin'.

Julie: Me neither.

Romeo: I got my guitar. Want me to sing ya a song?

Julie: Sure.

[Romeo starts singing "You are my Sunshine."

Romeo: Y'all like it?

Julie: Yep. It's awful sweet of ya.

Romeo: Then how's bout' gettin' hitched?

Julie: But my ma and my pa would kill me!

Romeo: So would my ma and pa, but that's a chance we've got to take.

Julie: Tomorrow mornin', go see Rev. Wilbur Lawrence and tell em' we wanna get married that afternoon.

Romeo: Okay.

Julie: I'll send Maude over to meet you.

Romeo: Who's Maude?

Julie: My nurse.

Romeo: Oh. Well, it's gittin' daylight out. I gotta be high tailin' it fer the chapel.

[They kiss.]

Silas [pounding on the bedroom door]: Julie!

Julie: What?

Silas: Ma n' Pa wanna know who you's talkin' to up in yer room up younder.

Julie: I'm talkin' to a friend!

Silas: Okay.

[Silas leaves]

Romeo: I'll see you tomorrow, Sweetheart.

Julie: I'll see you tomorrow, you big softie. [She smiles at him]

[Romeo blushes as he climbs out of her bedroom window and climbs down, using the drain pipe from the roof.]


SCENE: Verona, again.

Ben: I haven't seen Romeo since the party, Curt.

Curt: Me neither, but I sure enjoyed dancin' w' Barbara. She n' I are goin' out to-nite.

Ben: You're datin' yer sister? You is one twisted son-of-a-gun, Curt!

[Romeo finds his friends on the way to the chapel.]

Romeo: Hey guys!

Curt: Hey Romeo!

Ben: We all haven't seen ya since the party last night. We was worried bout' ya.

Romeo: No need to be worried, fellas. I is gettin' hitched!

Curt: You is gettin' hitched? Then kin I be the best man?

Ben: No, Curt, I WANNA be the best man!

Curt: I do!

Ben: No, I do!

Romeo: Will you fellas pipe down? It's a secret weddin' ceremony.

Ben: Why?

Romeo: Don't spread this around but I'm marryin' Julie Ann Capulet!

Curt: Lord O' Mercy, Romeo! Why is you marryin' a Cap'let?

Romeo: Cuz' we love each other, that's why. We met las' night at the party. Right now, I'm on my way to the chapel.

Ben: Good luck.

Curt: Yeah, he's gonna need it.


SCENE: The Verona chapel

[The Rev. Wilbur Lawrence was polishing the wooden podium in the pulpit when Romeo ran in, excited.]

Romeo: Rev. Lawrence!

Lawrence: Well, well, well, it's Romeo. God bless you, son. How are ya?

Romeo [shaking Rev. Lawrence's hand]: I jus' got engaged!

Lawrence: To whom?

Romeo: Julie Ann Capulet!

[Rev. Lawrence is speechless for a moment]

Lawrence: Son, do you have any idea who yer gettin' engaged to?

Romeo: Hank Capulet's daughter.

Lawrence: Your kin and the Capulets have some feud thing goin' on. Are you sure it's all right for you two to get hitched?

Romeo: Sure, we ain't gonna tell anyone. We'll git married an' we'll live in my trailer.

Lawrence: Oookay son. When do you want to get married?

Romeo: This afternoon.

Lawrence: You must be kidding!

Romeo: Nope. We wanna get married today.

[Julie's nurse Maude comes running in the chapel.]

Lawrence: Well, Maude, hello there!

Maude: Hello! Miss Julie Ann Capulet says she wants to get hitched to-day to a Romeo Mon-tay-gue!

Romeo: That would be me, Ma'am. [Tips his cowboy hat]

Maude: Oh, Romeo, you're awful handsome! Boy, I wish my ex was as good lookin' as you!

Lawrence: Ahem.

Romeo: Oh, sorry Rev. Lawrence.

Lawrence: I have agreed to perform the wedding. Just promise me you won't come back to git divorced. Meet back here in an hour.

Romeo: YEEEEE HAWWWWWWW! I'm gettin' hitched! [He leaves]

Lawrence [sighs]: They'll be back for a divorce in a month, I know it.

[One hour later]

Lawrence: Do you Romeo Montague take Julie Capulet as yer wife for as long as y'all live?

Romeo: I do.

Lawrence: Do you Julie Capulet take Romeo to be yer husband for as long as y'all live?

Julie: I do.

Lawrence: I pronounce y'all man and wife! You may kiss the bride.

[The two kiss rather passionately.]

Romeo: YEEEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWWWW!

[Julie leaves for her house while Romeo goes back to his to get his things ready. Meanwhile, Tybalt and Curt are staring each other down.]

Ben: FIGHT!

[A crowd gathers around Curt and Tybalt]

Romeo: Ben, what's goin' on?

Ben: Curt an' Tybalt's in a shootout!

Romeo: I gotta stop it!

[Runs in between Curt and Tybalt]

Romeo: Guys, y'all can't be doin' this. The sheriff said no one's allowed to fight anymore!

Curt [pushes Romeo aside]: Romeo, move outta the way, or y'all's gonna get kilt! I'm gonna send this prince o' cats to his grave!

Tybalt: Oh really? Is that so, Montygue?

[Both take aim and just before Curt could pull the trigger, Tybalt shoots him in the chest.]

Curt: I'm DYIN'! Git me Dr. Pike, quick!

Romeo: Ben, go git Dr. Pike, I'll watch over Curt.

Ben: Shore thang, Romeo.

[Before Ben could leave to get the doctor, Curt takes his last breath and dies]

Romeo [tears welling in his eyes]: Aww, Tybalt, why'd y'all gone done an' kilt my pal? He didn't mean no harm.

Tybalt: He was behind me in the bar, breathin' the same air I was breathin'. And I ain't havin' it.

Romeo [bright red with anger]: You took my pal and now you're goin' with him, Tybalt!

[Romeo pulls out a colt .45 and shoots Tybalt in the head, killing him instantly.]

Ben: Romeo!

[The sheriff and his posse start arriving in the public place.]

Ben: Romeo, run to the chapel, hide yerself!

[Ben and Romeo take off running for the chapel, just before the sheriff arrives.]


[Enter Romeo's parents, Ed and Edna and Julie's parents, Hank and Elly Lou]

Sheriff: So let me git this straight. First Tybalt killed Curt, right?

[Everyone nods their heads]

Sheriff: And then Romeo turns around and kilt Tybalt, right?

[Everyone nods their heads]

Sheriff: Can you people say somethin' without havin' to nod your heads?

[Everyone nods their heads]

Sheriff [sighs]: I give up. [to one of his officers] Here's a warrant for Romeo's arrest. He is to be placed in the Mantua County Jail upon his app-ree-hen-shun.


Scene: The chapel. Enter Rev. Lawrence, Romeo, and Maude.

Romeo: I done a bad thing, Rev. Lawrence! I done a bad thing! [starts bawling]

Lawrence: Yes, you did Romeo. An' now y'all must face the music.

Maude: Julie's waiting in her room for ya, Romeo.

Romeo [wiping his tears]: Good bye cruel world. [Puts his colt .45 to his head]

Lawrence: NO! [grabs the gun from Romeo] Killin' yerself ain't gonna make the situation any better. Go to yer wife, spend the weddin' night, turn yerself in the next day, and go to the Mantua County Jail. Then, I'll have Julie write to ya ever' day.

Maude: Julie says she's savin' up her life savin's ta bail ya out sooner or later, Romeo.

Romeo: Then I'm on my way.


[Scene: Julie's bedroom after the wedding night, and yes, they're wearing clothes.]



[A rooster crows]

Romeo [wearing his long underwear and checking the alarm clock]: It's 6 in the a.m.

Julie [on the other side of the bed wearing a long T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants]: The alarm clock is one hour be-hind.

Romeo: One hour be-hind? Then it's 7 in the a.m.! I gotta git goin'! [Puts his clothes on]

Julie: Romeo, Sweetheart, stay awhile.

Romeo: Sorry honey, but I gotta make like a banana an' split.

Julie: I'll be sure ta' write y'all ever' day.

Romeo: So long sweetheart. Before I leave, I wanna play "You are my Sunshine" one more time.

[He plays the song on his guitar]

Julie [near tears]: Bye Romeo.

Romeo: Bye Honey. See y'all after I'm bailed.

[He climbs out of Julie's bedroom window and down the drain pipe. Just as soon as Romeo leaves, Elly Lou comes into Julie's bedroom with some rather horrific news while Maude comes in to make Julie's bed.]

Elly Lou: Oh, honey, to-day is yore big day!

Julie: What?

Elly Lou: To-day, you is a' gettin hitched to Nelson Paris!

Julie: Ma, there is no way in heck I'm gittin' married to that Yankee!

Elly Lou: And young lady, tell me why you ain't gettin married to im?"

Julie: I can't stand the sight o' him! He's a stinkin' yuppie, for cryin' out loud!

Elly Lou: Well! Wait till' yo' pa hears bout' this!

[Elly Lou storms out of Julie's room]

Julie: Maude, I'm screwed big time.

Maude: Hon, I dunno what to say to y'all but y'all gotta marry this here Yankee fella.

Julie: Well, I won't! I'm gonna git dressed and head down to the chapel to git some help.

[Later, at the chapel....Rev. Lawrence is talking with Nelson Paris.]

Lawrence: Son, you is gonna make one fine husband. Trust me.

Nelson: I know. My parents are marriage counselors so I pretty much know what marriage is like, although they're both divorced and living 3,000 miles away from each other. Man, I can't wait to get married! Right now, I just bought an upscale penthouse about 20 miles from here. It's really nice, you should see it sometime. And then we'll honeymoon in Cabo San Lucas for a week and....

Lawrence [interrupting Nelson]: Fella, you need to relax first.

[Enter Julie]

Julie: Rev. Lawrence, I need to talk to y'all right now!

Lawrence: Well, here's your future bride, Nelson. Anythin' y'all wanna say to her before y'all get hitched?

Nelson: Julie, I love you and I can't wait to get married to you. And after we get married, we're going to Cabo San Lu....

Lawrence [cutting off Nelson]: That will be enough. Nelson, go get ready, I need to speak with Julie.

[Nelson leaves]

Lawrence: Now what is so urgent?

Julie [crying]: I don' wanna git married to Nelson! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lawrence: Stop yer cryin', stop it! Okay, okay. We'll hold off the weddin' for one day if you want, all right?

Julie: All right.

Lawrence: Now I've got me here some AJAX sleepin' pills. Take these before y'all go to bed an' y'all be knocked out colder n' a wet mackerel for about a day or so. In the meantime, people will think yer dead so they'll put y'all in the family mah-sol-lee-um. I'll have Maude take yer money an' she'll give it to me to bail out Romeo. Then, I'll send em' a note tellin' im' where you is so he can wisk ya' away home!

Julie: Ahhh right then, give me them sleepin' pills.

[Rev. Lawrence gives her the AJAX sleeping pills]


[The next morning, Julie is out cold, while everyone thinks she's dead]

Elly Lou: HANK, HANK!

Hank [just stepping out of the outhouse]: What?

Elly Lou: Our precious lil' Julie is dead!

[Hank runs to Julie's bedroom.]

Hank: This is awful horrible. An' on her weddin' day too.

[Silas shows up, hearing all the commotion]

Silas: Can I have her room?


[Scene: Julie's funeral prosession. Romeo's other friend, Balthasar, passes by and sees Julie appearing dead.]

Balthasar: Romeo ain't gonna like this.

[Runs to his pickup and drives off.]



[MANTUA COUNTY JAIL]

Sheriff: Well Romeo, Rev. Lawrence paid yer bail. You can git out now.

Romeo: Thanks Sheriff!

Sheriff: He also said that someone should be comin' by with a message of some sort.

[Balthasar pulls up to the jail and runs inside]

Balthasar: Romeo, you ain't gonna like what I have to tell ya.

Sheriff: Well, this must be the messenger now.

Balthasar: Julie died!

Romeo: Julie died!

Balthasar: Yep, Julie died!

Romeo: I can't believe it. Julie died!

Sheriff: If'in y'all say "Julie died" one more time, I'm gonna put you back in this here jail cell, now GIT!

[Throws them both out of the jail.]

Balthasar: Let's high tail it to the Capulet Mah-sol-lee-um!

Romeo: You said it!

[Both of them leave abruptly, passing Rev. Lawrence's messenger whose 55' pickup broke down on the other side of the road.]

[The both of them arrive at the mausoleum, finding Nelson Paris paying his last respects to his bride-to-be. Nelson is wearing a black, turtleneck sweater, black slacks, and black Armani shoes.]

Nelson: Oh, it's sad that you had to go. We could've spent countless hours at Starbucks together, drinking hot chocolate with soy milk, talking about women's rights and stuff.

Romeo: Move it pal! I need tuh git in that mah-sol-lee-um!

Nelson: So YOU'RE Romeo! I heard you murdered my fiancee's brother!

Romeo: Don't rub it in, pal. I feel bad enough as it is!

Nelson: You should! And to think I offered you to hang out with me while we were at that hoedown party. Put up your dukes, pal!

[Nelson tries in vain to act tough by throwing itty-bitty punches at Romeo].

Romeo: Tsk, tsk, didn't your pa teach y'all how to fight?

Nelson: No, he was a marriage counselor. He doesn't believe in physical violence.

Romeo: Well, at least my pa taught me how ta fight! [Punches Nelson]

Nelson: Ooohhh, look at all the little birdies...tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.....[falls unconscious]

Balthasar: I'll wait outside while y'all go in, Romeo.

Romeo: Bye Balthasar.

Balthasar: Bye? Whaddah mean, "bye?"

Romeo: You'll see. Oh, and do somethin' bout' that Nelson fella.

[Romeo enters the Mausoleum and sees Julie's body.]

Romeo: I loves ya, honey. So much that I'm gonna play "You are my Sunshine" one last time.

[Romeo plays the song on his guitar]

Romeo: Farewell, cruel world. [shoots himself in the head with his colt and dies]

Balthasar [upon hearing the gunshot]: Why oh why did I let him go in that thar place by his'self? [starts crying]

[Rev. Lawrence arrives]

Lawrence: Balthasar, where in tarnation is Romeo?

Balthasar: Romeo shot his'self!

Lawrence: So he didn't git the message?

Balthasar: What message?

Lawrence: Julie isn't really dead. I gave her sleepin' pills ta knock her out. She should be waking up any min.....

[Rev. Lawrence is interrupted by a blood-curdling scream in the mausoleum]

Balthasar: This ain't good.

Lawrence: Tell me somethin' I don't know!

[Meanwhile, in the mausoleum]

Julie: Romeo, oh Romeo! Why'd ya have to kill yerself? Didn't ya know I was alive?

[Rev. Lawrence enters the Mausoleum.]

Lawrence: He didn't get the message in time and thought you were dead, honey.

Julie: Now, what am I to do? I ain't marryin' that Yank fella.

Lawrence: Don't look at me. I have no clue either.

[Voices are heard outside the mausoleum]

Lawrence: I gotta go. Julie, come with me. [Grabs her hand]

Julie [jerks her hand away from him]: No way Rever'nd. I'm stayin' here w' my hubby!

Lawrence: Fine, then. [He leaves]

Julie: I'm comin with ya, sweetheart. [She kisses her dead husband's lips, takes her husband's colt, and shoots herself]



[Scene: Rev. Lawrence's chapel.]

Sheriff: Well, I hope y'all got some 'splainin to do! This is what yer feud did to yer kids. [points to the open caskets of Romeo and Julie]

Sheriff: Right now, y'all start makin' peace. No more feudin'.

Montague: Sorry bout' yer loss, Capulet.

Capulet: Me too. Let's not be feudin' no more.

Montague: Friends?

Capulet: Friends.

[They shake hands]

Montague: Wanna beer? My treat.

Capulet: Sure.

[The two leave for the bar while everyone from both familes hug each other.]

Sheriff [to Rev. Lawrence]: Well, they've made up. Now what?

Lawrence: I dunno, Sheriff. What's there to be done?

Sheriff: Wanna beer? My treat.

Lawrence: My wife says I shouldn't drink.

Sheriff: You can drink, it's just that y'all can't get drunk.

Lawrence [thinks for a few seconds]: Okay, let's go.

[The two go to the bar.]


NARRATOR (to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)

Now the story you just heard wasn't exactly true,
But now all the families have just paid their due.
An' I hope y'all learn a lesson from this sad story,
And don't mind the fact that it's a bit gory....
Tragic gore that is.....sui-cide....y'all come back now ya hear?