I decided to post it as one and not in chapters. I wasn't really able to split the story in chapters, so here it goes as whole thing! Enjoy and let me know if you did.
As always: I don't know and don't own the people, I just own the story ;-)
Walking on broken promises
The cool air hit his face as he left the house. He just wanted to get away from here. He was trying not to cry, not here. It would have been embarrassing to cry here. "Fuck him!" He said quietly to himself. But what did he expected? Adam was just as always. But this time it was hurting Tommy so much that he couldn't stay there. He rushed towards his car as he heard somebody coming out of the house.
"Tommy, why are you leaving? What is wrong?" Of course it had to be Adam.
Tommy took a deep breath before he turned around to face him. He was fighting against tears. He didn't want to give Adam the satisfaction of making him cry. "Do you really have to ask me that? Tell me, are you stupid and unable to see or just cruel." He had to use all of the strength left in his body to make sure that his voice wouldn't give away how hurt he was.
Adam looked blank at Tommy. "What have I done?" He really wasn't aware of what he had done.
You just broke my heart in fucking pieces, you asshole!
That thought never left Tommys lips. Instead he became really mad. "I can't believe you don't get it" he yelled. "What about the promises you made? Do you ever keep something you promise? Do I have to remind you?" He stepped toward Adam, yelling even louder, trying to imitate Adams voice. "Tommy, we will talk about everything after the tour will be finished. I will take my time to work it out. That what you said. But I see it was all just fucking blablabla!" Tommy was about to explode. Adam have never seen him as mad as he was now. "Adam, you can't do this to me anymore. I can't take it. I am out of it!" Tommy was about to turn away.
Adam thought Tommy was overacting and he wanted him to calm down. So he did what he could the best. He started to sing while he smiled at Tommy: "Hey, slow it down. Whataya want from me..." But Tommy became even angrier about this. "Stop this shit! I am not joking, I am fucking serious, so don't give me that, Lambert!"
He looked for a moment away from Adam, gathering himself, forcing his thoughts to calm down. He didn't yell anymore, but he was still angry and loud. "I am really mad and I think I don't want to see your fucking face anymore!" Tommy turned around and was about to open the door of his car to get away.
"I don't want you to leave me like this..." Adam wanted to say more, but Tommy cut him off. "So, what do you think you could do to stop me?" He was yelling again and didn't even bother to turn back to Adam. Adam stepped forward, grabbed his hand and spun Tommy around forcing Tommy to face him. "I can try with this." Before he even had the possibility to think about what that could be, Adam pulled him in a kiss. He kissed him with passion and one part of Tommy wanted desperatly to give in and to get lost in that kiss. He was still in love with Adam and it would have been so easy to forget what happend just minutes ago.
But there was the other part of Tommy. That part was hurt and angry. That part wanted to protect Tommy and that part of him finally won the battle. He pushed Adam away and pointed at him with his index finger. "Don't you dare to ever touch me again! I am done with you. I am not a fucking puppet on your string. You can't pull and push on me just the way you want. I am so fed up with this stupid game you are playing! So, just fuck off!" Tommy turned around. Adam was standing there unable to say or even think anything. He was under shock and watched Tommy open the door. Before he get in, Tommy turned around again and yelled: "And don't you dare to fucking call me!" He got in the car and drove away.
Tommy was angry, but most of all he was sad and hurt. He drove as fast as he could to get away from the man he loved the most. The tears were pushing in his eyes. He was holding them back and he felt like his eyes would explode once he would let the tears fall down. But not yet. He had to be at home.
As he came to his place, he was shaking all over. He just wanted to be alone and safe behind closed doors. As he finally entered his place and locked the door to keep the world outside, he just fell on his knees sobbing like he wanted to cry all the pain out of his soul.
Adam was left behind, standing there, watching Tommy driving away. He didn't understand what happend. Why was Tommy so mad? He turned around to get back to his house.
He saw Brad standing at the door. "Wow, I never saw Tommy that way!". Adam came closer and said "I don't get why he was so angry." Brad let a giggle slip out of his mouth. "WHAT?" Adam snapped at him. "Adam, he is really right, you are stupid. He wasn't angry, he was sad. I have never seen any person on my life who was that sad. He was just trying to cover it up with this little fight with you. I could clearly see that he was about to break apart in front of you. But you, you didn't see it." Brad shook his head and pushed Adam inside.
"I still don't get it. I mean everything was fine between us. I thought we were friends, but he is acting so...so... I don't know". Adam sat down on the floor, his back on the front door. Fortunately no other of his guests have seen what was going on. Brad dropped on his knees in front of Adam. "Yeah it was kind of strange. I was about to ask you if you two are finally dating." He was laughing. Adam looked up at him with a confused look on his face. "Shut up, Brad! We are not! I mean, we have had some fun on tour, but definitely no dating!" Adam didn't even realize that he gave away that little secret he shared with Tommy.
"So, now I am interested in details." Brad sat down next to Adam. Adam rolled his eyes. "Brad, there was nothing at all. We kissed a few times and once or twice there was a little more." Brad smiled. "Once or twice? And what is 'a little more'. " Adam sighed annoyed. "What's that to you? I don't really want to talk about it. For me it was not a big deal at all." Brad looked at Adam seriously: "Ok, I understand, if you don't want to talk to me about this. But let me tell you: I could see and hear – and I think some of your neighbours would agree with me – for Tommy it was a big deal. I hope you know how to fix it or you will have to find a new bassist. And now you should go back to the other guests." Brad got up, offering Adam his hand. "And by the way: your toyboy left as he saw you running after Tommy." Adam took his hand. "Fuck! Tommy is ruining everything tonight!" Brad rolled his eyes: "No, it's not Tommy, it's you." With this Brad went back to the party.
As Tommy woke up the next day he felt like a truck had hid him in his face. He was tired. He spent hours crying. He tried to find a way out of his problems. He didn't want to lose the friedship he and Adam have had, but he wasn't sure if he could go back where they once were. Too much happened between them. It was so much left unspoken and he wasn't even sure what sould be said or done to fix it. He only knew, that he would need a break before he could face Adam again.
He shook his head. He didn't want to cry anymore. He made a decision that night while he was talking with Mia.
He called her in the mid of the night. And the first thing she asked was: "What has he done this time?" "The real problem is not what he has done. The problem is what he hasn't done. I thought we could talk things out and he was just sitting there, kissing a random toyboy he brought home from shopping or whatever and ignored me. You know I hoped after the tour we would talk about us and find a way to deal with it, but nope." Tommy was sobbing while he talked to her. "Babe, don't let him pull you down like that. He isn't worth it." Mia tried to calm him down. "Mia, I know that I shouldn't act that way. But I can't help myself. He means so much to me and he is keeping hurting me over and over again. And the worst thing is, he doesn't even understand what I am talking about. You should have seen him. He should have known better, than to try to stop me by kissing me!" Tommy wiped the tears away, before the next stream came out of his eyes.
Mia was silent waiting for Tommy to continue. But for a while she just heard him crying. "Tommy, do you want me to come over?" "No, I am ok. I mean, I'm not, but you can't do anything. I have to find a way out of this fucking drama. I can't believe that I still love him. He was such an asshole tonight. And the only thing I can think about is how good it would be to have his arms around me. This is ridiculous!"
"Tommy, you need time. Falling in love takes time and falling out of it takes even more. Much more. You should make vacation and go away. Find out what you really want" She could hear Tommys breath calming down on the other side of the line. "Yeah, I think I should find a place where I can sort my thoughts out. I have to let go and stop wishing he would be mine. He never was and he never will. I can't believe that I have really wasted my lifetime on him. Waiting and hoping. And he? He made me wait and hope. I am so tired of it. I have to let go, I have to let go!" Tommy sighed. "But it's not that easy, I am still holding on. Fuck!"
"Hey, you will find a way to work it out. Just leave and take your time." "Thank you Mia. I would go crazy without you. I must think about where I could go to. I will let you know where I am. But please don't tell him where I am. I don't know if I'd be strong enough to send him away once he would find me." Tommys voice was just a shadow. It hurt Mia to hear him like that. "Tommy, you can call me whenever you need to talk. I will help you through, ok? And if you will need me, I will come to you. Just take your time to cure your heart. Don't forget that I love you. Take care of yourself." "Love you too. I will call you. Bye!"
Tommy pushed the button to quit the call. Then he saw 10 missing calls on the display. All from Adam. "Fuck you Adam, I told you not to call me!" Tommy sighed and threw the cell phone away.
Tommy thought the whole night about where he could go. He needed to be alone, on his own. No fans, no other people and first of all: NO ADAM! He started to pack without even knowing where he would go to. But then in the early morning he had an idea. One of his uncles had a house somewhere in the north. It was a cabin straight by a waterside in the mountains. He called his mum and after a few other calls he was on his way to the airport.
Adam was standing in front of the house where Mia was living. He was searching for her name to ring the bell. Before he could ring, she came out of the house. "Adam, what are you doing here?" She was really surprised. "Where is he?" Adam was not in the mood for smalltalk. He was angry and he wanted to talk with Tommy. He wanted to tell him how stupid his behavior was. He didn't understand why he shouldn't call him and why the fuck he didn't call him back. He went to Tommys house and as he found out that he was gone, he headed to Mia. He thought he would meet him here.
"I don't know where he is and even if I knew I wouldn't tell you." Mia snapped at him and wanted to walk past him. Adam grabbed her arm to stop her. "I really need to know where he is. I want to talk to him and find out what the problem is." Mia looked at Adam with an angry mien. "Tommy was right, you really don't get it. But never mind! He doesn't want to see you. Leave him alone!"
"I can't. I need to fix our friendship. I don't want to lose it." Mia couldn't believe what she heard. "Adam, I can't imagine that there is something you can fix." She sighed. "But I am not the person to tell you why. Tommy is on his way to a vacation from you and from all this bullshit. I won't tell you where he is going to be. But if you hurry up, you can catch him on the airport. His plane takes off in about two hours." Adam was about to turn around, while he thanked her. She stopped him grabbing his arm. "Adam, I will kill you, when you hurt him again. I promise, I will." She let him go and Adam ran to his car.
"What the fuck! I didn't hurt him. He ist overacting. And what does it mean, he needs vacation from ME." He was getting more and more confused.
45 minutes later he was running through the airport trying to find Tommy. It was not that easy, because he didn't know where he wanted to fly to. But he had luck on his side as he looked over to the coffeeshop. There was Tommy with a huge cup of coffee, of course! Adam walked over to him.
"Tommy!" Tommys face froze as he saw Adam. "Tommy, what is wrong?" Adam came closer to Tommy and now he could see that Tommys eyes were red and he had bags under his eyes. "Adam, I thought I made it clear: I don't want to see or talk to you right now. Please accept it and just let me go." "No way Tommy! Please tell me what is bothering you? I don't want you to leave being mad at me." Adam was in despair. "Adam, I am tired and I just want to go away from you. I need a timeout to reflect about everything. I don't even know if or when I will come back. I don't know anything." Tommys voice was sad. "Tommy, I don't understand you. Why do you want to go away? What have I done?" Adam was confused and didn't know how to react.
"Adam, please, just go." "No, Tommy, tell me what can I do, to stop you. I don't want to lose this friendship." Tommys laugh was bitter. "Adam, you are so blind. You have lost our friendship the moment you broke my heart. And now I need my time to recover from this and right now I don't know if I can make it." Tommy could feel the tears coming back. He wanted to go away, it was to late to take back what he even said. "Tommy, what do you mean? I never ment to hurt you. You know, I love you, don't you?" Tommy was laughing once again this sad and bitter laugh. "No Adam, you don't love me. You never did. I was just a distraction on tour. I guess that's rock'n'roll. But I, I made the mistake and …."
Tommy stopped before he said what was about to slip out of his mouth. I made the mistake and really fell in love with you.
"I thought there was more and now it's kind of hard to be around you."
It's killing me how you treat me.
"And if you ever were a friend of mine, don't keep me hanging on and waiting for something that won't ever come. Just let me go. I will try to find a way to deal with this. I think I just need time. Just let me go." Tommy turned around and walked to the gates. He didn't stop and didn't answer as Adam shouted his name. He just had to get away.
Adam watched him leaving. He felt his own heart breaking.
What have I done?
It was four days since Tommy went away. Adam didn't know what to do. He had to do something, if he didn't want to lose Tommy. And he didn't get everything Tommy said, but one massage was clear enough for him: he broke Tommys heart. He was thinking about this fact over and over again. He couldn't understand how and why it happened, but he hurt Tommy. He never wanted to hurt Tommy, but he did. He was hating himself for this and couldn't find a way to deal with it.
Sure, Tommy had talked to him during the tour that he wanted to find out what was going on between them. Adam wasn't ready for a talk, so he just wanted to put Tommy off and said they would have a talk after the tour. But after the tour he didn't think about it anymore. Maybe he just didn't want things to change. He was fine the way the thing were between them. They were friends. What happened on tour should stay on tour. Why couldn't Tommy just forget about it? Adam sighed.
The other thing was that he felt guilty. He didn't realize that he was holding Tommy in a line. He just didn't want things to change while they were together almost the whole day. That would have been awkward for all of them. But because he didn't tell Tommy that he didn't want to change their relation Tommy was hoping and waiting for more. Adam could understand now why Tommy was hurt. He was sorry and wanted to apologise, but he wasn't allowed to call Tommy. Ok, he tried, but Tommy pushed him away. So he gave up to call him.
He needed to talk to someone about the whole situation. He decided to meet his mum. She knew him the best and she knew Tommy. And his mum didn't have any problems to say what needed to be said even if it would upset him. That was what he needed right now: his mother who would give him a piece of her mind. He took his keys and walked out of the door.
Tommy was on his own. For the first time since almost a year he was really alone. First it scared him a little, but then he started to relax. The place he came to was beautiful and peaceful. The next neighbours were on the other side of the lake. It was silence all around him. He enjoyed it. He had an winter garten where he could sit and watch over the lake, so he did. Even if it was winter the sun was shining and he could also sit outside and enjoy the fresh air. He could breathe again.
He spent hours just drinking coffee and looking out of the window. He forced himself not to think about Adam. He tried to put his face in the darkest corner of his mind. But Adams face was not that easy to put away. It popped here and there out of nowhere. He saw Adam even when he was looking at the lake. He seemed to be everywhere. But it became easier to find some time where his thoughts didn't focus on Adam. Even if it was for just a few minutes.
He didn't call anyone in the first three or four days. He just texted Mia, that he was fine. She respected his wish to be alone and didn't call. She knew him. Tommy was still sad. And he was even more sad than he was at home. And he cried a lot, but it was silent. He just let the tears run over his face hoping he will be soon over it.
He could feel fingers running over his naked body. They carressed him like whispers, slowly and sweet. His body melted like ice in sunshine under those fingers. He opened his eyes and looked at those beautiful greyblue eyes. "I love you Tommy" Adam whispered on his lips, kissing him gently...
Then Tommy woke up. He could feel a slight arousal in his pants and groaned. Then he jumped out of the bed, ran over to the window, opened it and cried out in the cold morning. The words "Stop teasing me!" echoed around the lake. Tommy was panting against the cold air. Then he looked down and saw a woman standing on the waterside. She looked up to him, smiling. She reminded him of his mother. "Sorry!" Tommy blushed. "Don't worry honey! Bad night?" Tommy sighed. "No, actually a bad life." She smiled again. "Do you want to talk about it? I can be a good listener if you offer coffee and cockies?" Tommy laughed. She seemed to be nice and he had nothing else to do. "Ok, wait I am coming in ten." She nodded and looked back to the lake.
Tommy washed his face and pulled some fresh clothes on. Then he went downstairs in the kitchen to make coffee. He opened the balcony to let the woman in. She was still standing on the waterside, so he stepped outside. "Hello, my name is Tommy. Sorry again if I scared you." She turned around, a warm smile on her face. "Hi Tommy. Nice to meet you. I am Mary. My house is on the other side." She reached out her hand and Tommy took it. "Come in, coffee is almost done." She got in and sat down in a chair near the balcony. "I love to look over the lake. It calms me." She said. "I know what you mean." Tommy walked over to kitchen to get coffee and some cookies. As he came back, he sat down on the chair beside her.
"Do you want to talk about it? Who made you so angry?" She kept looking to the lake. Tommy did too. "I don't even know where to start. I am angry, sad and hurt and lonely and everything at once." He sighed taking a sip of coffee. "Heartsickness sucks!" Tommy was suprised about her words and couldn't help but had to laugh. "Yes, it does. And there is no possibility to forget him!" Mary looked at Tommy. "Trouble with a man is big trouble. But you will survive, somehow. There are just small pieces of your heart which are dying forever. But your heart is big enough to survive without them. At least I hope so. You want to talk about him?"
Tommy kept his eyes on the lake. "His name is Adam. He is, he was my best friend. Maybe he still is, I don't know. I met him about a year ago and I have been working with him since then. He is amazing in so many ways." Mary then looked at Tommy. "You are still in love with him, arent't you?" Tommy nodded. "Tell me, is he a cutie?" Tommy laughed. "He is beautiful. Amazing greyblue eyes, black hair, tall, slim body and a whole lot of freckles!" Tommys sighed, a smile on his face. Mary pulled him in a small hug. "So what did go wrong?" Tommy looked back to the lake, suddenly sad. "Almost everything went wrong. We were friends, I fell in love, he didn't and he said some stupid things, I said some stupid things and then I ran away and here I am." A tear dropped out of his eye. Mary patted him on the back. "Are you sure he doesn't love you? Have you asked him?" Tommy closed his eyes. "To be honest, I didn't ask him. There was no possibility. He promised me a long time ago we would talk about us when we were back home from our job, but then he avoided it. Instead he kept flirting with other guys in front of me. I think this shows clearly, that he doesn't really care for me." Tommy opened his eyes, looking over to the lake. "Does he know that you love him?" Tommy turned to face her. "I didn't tell him. He just knows that he broke my heart, but I think either he doesn't care or he didn't get it." He sighed and turned back to the lake. "I will get over it, somehow…"
Mary sighed and drank the last bit of coffee out of her cup. "I don't know your Adam, but I know a lot about men. And let me tell you: they are pretty dumb sometimes. Maybe you should find a way to talk to him." She got up. "It was nice to meet you Tommy. If you like, you can come over to my house. I am here for a few more days with my husband. Maybe for lunch, tomorrow?" Tommy looked up at her. "Yes, I would like to, thank you." She went out and waved to him from the outside. He smiled and looked over to the lake.
"Adam, you know that I love you, but sometimes I think you are just an idiot!" Ok, his mum didn't even think a bit of being gentle. But that was what he came here for. So he didn't defent himself. He just let her talk. "You will have to tell me some more about what happened on tour between you and Tommy. But I can tell you, that he is in love with you. I mean what else does it mean when he is telling you, that you broke his heart and that he has to get away from you? I think this is obvious. Tommy is in love with you, or he was until you broke him."
Adam didn't answer. He was putting the pieces of the whole picture together in his head. One by one. And it was kind of hurting him doing this, but it had to be done. "Adam, you will have to talk to him. He is your best friend and you know that you can't live without fixing it." Adam sighed. "Mum, I just don't get why this all happened. I thought that he wouldn't want more than a friendship. He never told me he would. I am just confused…"
Leila smiled at him. Sometimes beeing with Adam reminded her of him as a boy. In fact sometimes he was still acting like a child and for her he would always be her baby. She stroke over his face, forcing him to look at her. "Adam, what happened on the tour? What have you done, that Tommy is acting like this?" She could see that he was trembling, so she pulled him in an embrace. And there was again this feeling like she was holding a child comforting it because he hurt his knee.
Then Adam told her about the tour, just staying in her arms. He and Tommy agreed at the beginning of the tour about what they wanted to do on "Fever". The first shows they took it slow and really family friendly. But after a while, they decided to try more. That was when the New York lick happened and after that they kissed at almost every show. They were both comfortable with this. Still friends, still no other feelings.
The tour went on and the fans went crazy about them, so they did more hot things also during his other songs. They loved the idea of bringing the spirit of "Velvet Goldmine" to the show. But then somehow things started to get out of control. Adam couldn't even told her why exectly. The first time they kissed offstage was after the show in Providence. This show was over the edge. Crazy! Adam was high on adrenaline and on the spirit of the show. They had both drank a bit too much. When they met afterwards, there was a strange connection between them. Tommy was grinning, Adam was still just over the top. Then Tommy came closer trying to wipe away the lipstick traces still over Adams face. But as soon as he touched Adams face, there was a change in the atmosphere around them. Adam felt like the lights went brighter and the air was getting hotter. He felt a strong spell pulling him towards Tommy and he could tell by the way Tommy looked at him, that he could feel it too. Their lips started to come closer and closer, Tommy closed his eyes, Adam pulled Tommys body closer and then their lips crushed together. It was not a gentle kiss, it was hot and feveresh and Adam could feel his own trembling over Tommys trembling.
Then his mind started to work again, he pulled away and looked at Tommy in shock. "Sorry, Tommy… I don't know what came over me." He could feel his arousal and it was somehow embarressing. That was offstage! He felt strange, but Tommy made it easier. He smiled at him, stroked over his cheek and gave him a peck. "Don't worry babyboy. It was a nice kiss. Don't overact about it. It was just a kiss, right?" They smiled at eachother and in this moment Adam was pretty sure, that was an accident that wouldn't ever happen again.
But it happened again and again and again. Sometimes they didn't even leave the backstage area, but they managed to keep it a secret. Nobody knew about it. And the kisses were getting hotter and turned into makeout sessions. And they never talked about it. Adam knew now that this was wrong.
He sighed looking at his mother. He didn't tell her all. She was still his mother. He didn't tell her how the makeout session turned into sex on Tommy birthday. He couldn't tell her about how Tommy was screaming his name when he gave him a blowjob. This would have embarressed them both. But he remembered it. He knew how good it felt to let his tongue slide over Tommys body, while he was writhing under his hands. He could still remember the taste of Tommys skin.
He couldn't tell her that he let Tommy fuck him after the show in Amsterdam. This would have been too much information for a loving mother. They were so high in Amsterdam, not only because they smoked weed. The weed just freed their undisclosed desires. They were on fire that night. Tommy pinned him against the wall in their dressing room right after the show. He couldn't think straight and he let Tommy get what he needed. And Tommy gave him everything. That night was about getting laid and Tommy wasn't really gentle with him. But Adam didn't care. And having sex with Tommy was mindblowing. Adam sighed dreaming with opened eyes. His mother smiled and he knew that she knew what happend.
He told her how strange the time after Amsterdam was. He didn't know how to deal with Tommy. He could feel the change between them, but he decided to ignore it. And Tommy was silent. Too silent. He avoided Adam off stage and was either out with Isaac or pretended to be tired. For a few days there was a pretty strange time. Adam decided to speak to Tommy. So he caught him after a rehearsal and pulled him in his dressing room. He closed the door behind them and was standing with his back on the door. Tommy was on the other side of the room, his eyes on the floor. "Tommy, please we need to get over it." Tommy sighed. "I don't know how. It was so intense between us and I feel like I have used you for my needs." Adam went over to Tommy and cupped his face in his hands, forcing him to look up in his eyes. "Tommy, don't think like that. We were horny, I mean both of us. I wanted it as much as you did. But I won't let it happen again. I want this friendship to work, I want to keep you." Tommy wanted to talk to Adam about what was going on between them, but Adam wanted to wait after the tour. He promised to talk about it after christmas, when everything was over. Meanwhile they would try to forget about it and to find a way back to usual. Adam admitted to his mother that he never had the real plan to talk about the whole thing.
"You made a promise and you didn't keep it?" As Adam nodded she said: "This is bad. This is very bad. But why?" Adam sighed. "I just hoped that everything will get better after the tour and that we will be over it. But obviously Tommy wasn't over it." His mum stepped away and took his hand. "And you? Are you over it?" She looked straight in his eyes. "No, I'm not." She smiled and pulled him back in that comforting embrace. "That's what I thought. Adam, you were playing with fire the whole tour. I saw the videos of you and Tommy and I know that look in your eyes. You should talk to him and fix this. It could be so much more, don't you see it?" Adam was shaking in her arms. "I see it mum, but I didn't know until yet how much I want it to be something more." She could feel the tears he cried into her neck.
Tommy had a nice afternoon with Mary and her husband Sam. They had a tasty lunch and then Mary left him with Sam in the living room. She wanted to clean the kitchen on her own. They sat down on the couch. Sam offered Tommy a beer.
"So Tommy how did you get here? We usually don't have young people around here, you know." Tommy smiled. "This is a nice place to go to when you want to be on your own. And that's what I needed. Time and space to sort things out." Sam looked at Tommy. "Mary told me you have problems with your man?" Tommy looked at him surprised about how casual this question came out of his mouth. "Are you really comfortable to talk with me about it?" He asked Sam. Sam laughed. "Tommy, I know I am old and I am since ages with my sweet Mary, but I still can remember how it is to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. I know heartache." Tommy smiled at him "I ment, is it ok to talk with me about being in love with a man." Sam had to laugh hard. "Come on Tommy! Is there a real difference? I mean if the person you love doesn't love you back, it hurts the same way if you are straight or gay or whatever. Heartache doesn't care about labels, does it? I can't see a real difference." Tommy smiled. "Yeah, you are right, there is no real difference."
He sighed. "I can tell you, that my only problem with that man is, that he is NOT mine." Tommy took a sip out of the bottle. "But he could be, if you would ask him to be?" "I don't think so. And I am trying to forget him. That's what I am here for." Sam looked at Tommy with a small smile on his face. "I can tell by the look on your face, this isn't working well. I can see the love shining out of your eyes. Even now. I don't think that you should give up like that. I mean without even trying. You might regret it one day. Finding true love isn't easy and you should fight for it."
Tommy thought about what Sam said on his way back to his cabin. Maybe he really hasn't tried enough. But it was hurting too much. And the protecting part of him didn't allow him to think about it that much. But tonight he was a little drunk and the fresh air let his thoughts fly. Has he done enough to get the man he loved? And would he be able to do more?
Tommy thought back to the tour. He had to smile on the memory of Providence. That night was epical in so many ways. He kissed Adam because he was jelous. Adam kissed people in the crowd! What the fuck! Tommy was not under control as they were backstage and he touched Adams face. He pretended he wanted to wipe the lipstick away, but to be honest he just wanted to touch Adam. And as soon as he felt Adams skin under his fingers, he was out of his mind. He just wanted to kiss him but while they kissed Adam pulled away. Adams reaction was like a cold shower but Tommy tried to be cool and told Adam that this was just a kiss. But is was so much more. That one kiss was burning for hours on his lips. He couldn't sleep that night, he couldn't calm down. He wanted to do it again as soon as possible. And they kissed again. A lot of times. Tommy got lost in Adam.
He was also thinking about his birthday as he came hard like never before while Adam was on his knees in front of him, Tommys cock deep in his mouth. Tommy shivered at the thought of that. So hot! And then there was Amsterdam. Adam let Tommy fuck him! It was amazing and he never felt so close to anybody as he felt while he was inside Adam. He loved every second of this. Adams body under his body and how Adam was maoning his name over and over again.
But it was over too soon. They were too drunk, too high and too horny. And afterwards there was such a tense temper between them. Tommy didn't know what to do to change this. A few days later they talked about it. That talk was such a disappointment for Tommy. He had hoped that Adam felt the change between them too and that he wanted to find out what it was. But Adam just decided for both of them to have the talk after the tour. He promised to talk with Tommy and then he didn't.
The last shows made Tommys heart aching. He wanted more. He had tasted what it was like to be with Adam and he was now addicted on him. He felt like an alcoholic without alcohol. As the tour was about to end he was trying to get as much as he could. That's why he kissed Adam first in London on Fever. He just couldn't wait. He knew they would't see each other while Adam would stay in Paris. So he had to take some memories on his way home.
Tommy remembered how bad he felt at the last shows back in the States. The Jingle Balls without kisses and then the LA gigs. Tommy knew he had to wait after christmas to talk things out. And he waited and he hoped and his heart was aching. After christmas Tommy waited for a call from Adam. But as Adam called him he just invited him to his New Years's Eve Party. And it was clear that they wouldn't talk that evening. And Tommy kept waiting. Adam avoided him the next days. And then there was this house-warming party when Adam found his new home. And then Tommys world just crushed down. On that party he saw Adam with this other guy. He didn't even remember his name. But he could remember how it felt seeing Adam kissing that guy in front of him. And then Adam saw him and gave him that smirk. And even if Tommy had seen Adam kissing random guys during the tour, this one was hurting more than ever. Because this was AFTER the fucking tour and things should have changed between them, shouldn't they? That was when Tommy ran away and when his heart broke in thousand pieces.
Adam wanted to see Tommy and talk about everything. But he didn't have a clue where he was. Mia wouldn't tell him. He had no choice. He had to go to Tommys mother. He just had to. He was preparing himself for the talk with her. He was afraid, he didn't know what Tommy told her. But there was no other way for him to get to Tommy. So there he was standing in front of the house, breathing hard. Then he rang the bell.
Tommys mother opend the door and looked at him with a confused face. "Adam? What are you doing here? Come in before some paparazzi will catch you." As soon as they were in, she looked again at him, waiting for an answer. "I must find Tommy. I have to see him." His voice was broken. She sighed. "Adam, I can't tell you where he is. He told me he doesn't want to see anyone and first of all he doesn't want to see you. He said that you broke his heart. And he was so sad. What happened Adam?" "I don't really know what to say. I made some mistakes and I took him for granted. I was really an asshole. But I want to make it right now. Please, tell me where he is." Adam was begging.
"Adam, I don't know if I can allow you to get to him. Maybe you will hurt him again and I can't be the one letting you do this. I just can't." Adam was exhausted and he wanted so badly to see Tommy and to fix them. He just fell on his knees in front of her, sobbing and holding her hand. "Please, I can't let him go. I am broken without him and I think he is broken too. I am begging you, tell me where I can find my Tommy. Please!" She wiped a tear away of her eyes and pulled him up in an embrace. "Don't hurt him again, Adam. Just don't." "I promise, I won't." "I want to believe you." She paused, obviously fighting with herself. "He is in a cabin in the mountains. I'll give you the adress." Adam was relieved. "Thank you so much. I won't hurt him. I want to make it right. I promise! Thank you!"
Adam arrived at the cabin in the late afternoon. He walked the last 5 minutes after he let the cab stop in a distence. He didn't want Tommy to see him too soon. He had only a small suitcase, so he could walk. This place was really beautiful. And the fresh air was something he was missing living in LA.
As he was in front of the cabin he heard a silent guitar playing. He left his suitcase in the stoop and wandered around the cabin to the waterside. Tommy was sitting on a chair outside, his eyes directed to the lake. He played his guitar. Adam could hear what he played. It was "Nothing else matters". Of course, Metallica. The version Tommy played was a very sad but a beatiful one.
Adam shivered, his eyes on Tommy. Tommy haven't seen him yet. He was lost in the music and in his thoughts. Several tears were running down his chicks. But he seemed to be in some kind of peace. The weariness was out of his face. Adam got lost in the beauty of the picture before him. He could look and listen for hours. The sun was about to sink behind the mountains and the air was getting cold. Tommy started to shiver and stopped to play. He got up and turned around to get back inside. In this moment he saw Adam standing a few meters away and stucked in his movements.
They were standing there in silence for a while, not able to talk or to move. Tommy couldn't think straight. He was sure that he wouldn't see Adam for a while. He was not prepared for this. Adam looked so amazing. This was not the Glamgod, this was Adam. Casual clothes, the longer hair down, just a little eyeliner, no makeup. Tommy could see the freckles on Adams face because Adam was standing under the light. Tommy just wasn't able to look away. He could feel the spell he always was under when Adam was around. But then Adam moved towards Tommy and the spell broke. Tommy put the guitar away to free his hands. He managed to say: "Adam, what are you doing here? You shouldn't have come. I don't want to see you..." But this didn't stop Adam. He moved closer and Tommy started to freak out. He had to get away, right now. He turned around and ran away towards the forest.
"Tommy, please wait." Adam ran after him and he was fast. As he grabbend Tommys hand to stop him, Tommy tried to fight against him and they tripped over some tree trunk and fell down to earth. Tommy was laying under Adam, trying hard to push Adam away. His hands were beating against Adams chest. "Tommy, Tommy, calm down. Baby, please!" But Tommy was out of his mind. Adam gripped Tommys hands and pinned them down beside Tommys head.
"Tommy, I had to come to you. I don't want to lose you. I... Tommy please give me a chance to fix us." Adam had troubles to find the right words. Tommy was laying under him and he was beautiful. His brown eyes looked up into Adams eyes. Adam could see the fear in them but there was also something else. Soemthing good and warm. To feel Tommys body so close, to smell his scent, to see his eyes... it was to much to handle. He couldn't hold back, he wanted him so much. "Tommy..." he whispered as he leaned forward and kissed Tommy gently on his lips.
As Tommy felt Adams lips on his, something inside of him clicked and he couldn't do anything else as to pull Adam closer to deepen the kiss. He totaly lost control over his body, over time, over anything. He was so hungry for this kiss, so full of yearning. For a few moments there was nothing but the kiss. All his fears, all the hurt, the anger, everything was forgotten. He let himself fall into the kiss. He felt like he was flying above their bodies and could see himself laying on the ground, his hands in Adams hair, his body screaming for more. He lost his mind.
But this moment was gone as Adam pulled away to breathe. The loss of contact between their lips brought Tommys sense back. His hands were still in Adams hair and he pulled away and pushed Adam away. Adam was suprised about the change in Tommys mood. He fell to the ground beside Tommy. Tommy jumped up. "Adam, what... how... just let me go. You can't just come here and and and kiss me. That doesn't work like this. I can't." Tommy backed away from Adam. "Tommy, please, don't do it. Let me explain." But Tommy didn't listen. He ran back to the house. "Tommy I won't go away. I will wait here until you will talk to me." Adam followed Tommy and sat down on a deck-chair.
Tommy looked at him from inside. Then he turned off the lights and went upstairs to his bedroom. He was shaking all over. He wanted so badly to just take Adam inside, but he didn't want to be that easy. It was not a movie or a fairytale. Adam should suffer. Tommy stepped quietly out on his balcony and looked down to Adam. He could see him laying on the deck-chair, freezing.
Tommy didn't want Adam to get a cold, but he didn't want to let him inside. Not yet. So he decided to throw a blanket to Adam. Adam almost jumped out of his skin as the blanket fell on him. He couldn't see Tommy, but he knew he was there. "Thank you, Tommy!" Adam wrapped the blanket around himself and tried to find a comfortable position to sleep. Tommy was standing on the balcony for a while without saying a word. He just looked down to Adam and couldn't stop smiling.
I can't believe he is here!
Tommy slept well for the first time since weeks. He woke up early and couldn't wait to see if Adam was still there. He wrapped his blanket around him and walked out on the balcony. Adam was sleeping under the blanket. He could only see one of his boots, the rest of Adam was covered. Tommy went inside and took a shower. He wanted to get ready before he would go to talk to Adam. He was excited and he was almost sure that this would be a good day. But he had to stay strong and let Adam work hard to capture his heart back. He couldn't stop smiling, he was just happy that Adam was here.
Tommy took a small look outside when he got downstairs. Adam was still in the same position. Tommy made some coffee and went outside.
He pulled the blanket away from Adams face. He swallowed hard. It was just so mindblowing to see the man he loved right here after missing him for so long. Tommy let the love overfloat his body for a short moment. He reached out and touched Adams cheek with his fingers. It was barely a touch but the feeling of Adams skin on his fingertips nearly made him lose control. The urge to forget about his plan was strong.
Tommy pulled away and stepped back. Then he almost yelled. "You are still here?" Adams eyes fluttered wide open and he almost fell off the chair. His heart was pounding in his chest. "Tommy, you scared the shit out of me!" He was breathing hard. Tommy had to turn away, otherwise Adam would have seen that Tommy had to fight against a laugh.
"You can come in and take a warm shower. You might need it now. Then we can talk." He tried to keep his voice calm. Adam groaned as he got up from the chair. His back was aching and he was almost frozen. But he didn't say anything. He just thought that he'd deserve it. He followed Tommy inside just to see that his suitcase was already in the cabin. Tommy just pointed with his index finger where Adam had to go and sat down to drink his coffee. Adam walked to the bathroom.
He enjoyed the hot shower. He could feel every bone in his body aching. But it was nothing compared with the pain he felt in his heart. He was so yearning for touching Tommy. So maybe a cold shower would have been a better idea. But he was almost frozen. He had no clue what Tommy wanted to do now. He was afraid that he wouldn't get the chance to prove his feelings. But a part of him was quite sure that he had seen something in Tommys eyes that could turn the whole situation into something good.
Tommy became a little impatient waiting for Adam. He tried hard to gather himself before Adam would be back. A part of him was still insecure. Maybe Adam just wanted to talk things out to be able to stay friends. But would Tommy be able to go back to "just friends"? Was this even possible? On the other hand it is probably better to have a friendship than nothing at all. But Adam kissed him yesterday and this kiss didn't felt like friendship at all.
Just calm down and wait!
Finally Adam came out of the bathroom. Tommy decided to avoid to look at Adam, so he looked to the lake. His heart was pounding in his chest and it was hard to say in a casual way "Coffee is on the table." He didn't turn around and waited for Adam to do something. He could hear him getting coffee and then he felt him coming closer. Tommy almost fell from his chair. Then Adam was next to him and sat down in the chair beside Tommy. Their legs touched and Tommy had to concentrate to not give in the urge to jump on Adams lap.
"So, why are you here, Adam? I said that I needed time to get over you." Tommy was still looking to the lake. Adam sighed. "Tommy, I don't want you to get over me. I know I was an asshole. I didn't want to change our relation. I really thought that a friendship would be enough. And I really haven't thought that the things we did on tour would change anything. Honestly I didn't want them to change anything. But I was lying to myself. I didn't even realize that things already changed until you left. I was so stupid. And I am sorry that I hurt you. Tommy, don't hate me and don't try to get over me. Please!"
There was a plea in Adams voice that touched Tommys heart and made him turn his face to Adam. And in this moment Tommy realized how close Adam was. He could see all the freckles on Adams lips. He forgot what he wanted to say and his eyes were counting all freckles over Adams face. And in the corner of his mind where a rest of his sense was left he asked himself when Adam will go on to speak. But Adam was speaking, Tommy just couldn't hear him. "Tommy?" Tommy came back to reality from a world where everything was about Adams freckels. He blushed. "Sorry, what did you say?"
"I said I hope you can forgive me. And that I could understand if you can't." He looked again at Tommy. "Adam, it's not easy for me to forget what you have done. You made me believe that there was nothing else between us than frienship. And now I don't even know what is between us. I mean you said, you don't want me to get over you. But why?" Adam got up from his chair and was standing in front of Tommy. Tommy had to look up to see Adams eyes. Adam came closer and took Tommys chin in his hand. "Tommy, I missed you so much." Adam kissed Tommys cheek. "I was thinking about you every minute since you left". Another kiss on Tommys cheek. "And I dreamed about touching you." A kiss on Tommys forehead. "I was so afraid that you would have forgotten me, before I even had the chance to talk to you." A peck on Tommys lips. "I was afraid you would forget me, before I could tell you how much I love you. That's why I don't want you to get over me. I want to love you and I want you to love me." Adam pulled Tommy up and laid his forhead at Tommys forehead. "Do you want me to love you?"
Tommy was trembling. His whole body was on fire from the moment that Adam touched his chin. He forced himself to listen cearefully what Adam was telling him. And he was about to faint as he heard the words he was waiting for so long. His mind was sreaming: Yes, yes, I want you to love me! He just needed time to be able to put the words out of his mouth.
But Adam got impatient waiting for Tommys answer. He dropped on his knees and took Tommys hands in his own. "Tommy, tell me what you want me to do, to fix this? I do anything. I am not too proud to beg. I just want you to be mine!" Tommy got on his knees and his smile was shining like a sun. "You don't have to beg. You have got me, you always had. How could you even doubt it. I love you so much and no matter what I try, there is no getting over you. Especially not after your confession." Tommy cupped Adams face. "And I promise you, I will pass away in front of you, if you don't kiss me right now you idiot!"
Adam didn't hesitate. He grabbed Tommys shirt with both hands and pulled him closer. Before their lips touched, he looked Tommy deep in his eyes. He whispered "mine" and then his lips were on Tommys. And this kiss was pure emotion. Gentle and strong at the same time. And when their lips parted and their tongues found each other, Tommy moaned and stopped to analize if his plan worked out as he wanted or if he gave up too easy.
He wasn't even able to think anything, he could only feel. He was under Adams spell and once he let go, he was lost in emotions. But now he felt safe in Adams arms. It was really good to stop controlling his feelings. It felt like peace. And Adam was all over his body. It was not just hot, first of all it was soft and gentle. Adam kissed every piece of Tommys skin. And he looked deep in Tommys eyes while he entered him. Gentle and slow. He was holding Tommys hands and kissed him while he moved slowly inside Tommy. And he only stopped kissing him to look in his eyes or to tell him how much he loved him. And Tommy knew that it was true, he could hear it, he could feel it and he could see it.
And if Tommy ever had thought that having sex with Adam was the best thing happend to him, he knew now, that he was wrong, because making love with Adam was so much better. It opened his eyes to a new world. And he knew his life was changed forever.
Adam shivered while he tried to calm down. He wanted so badly to make it good for Tommy, he wanted to make it last. And it was kind of hard because he wanted Tommy so much. He wanted to make sure that he wouldn't hurt Tommy, so he moved slowly and he was almost hurting himself by holding back. But it was also amazing to feel Tommy so close to him. And as he looked in Tommys eyes he could see that Tommy was trembling inside and that he wanted more, wanted Adam to do more. So Adam reached his hand between them and stroked Tommys cock. And he saw the change in Tommys eyes as Tommy was about to get it. And he thought that he never have seen something so touching. And then something in Tommys eyes threw Adam over the edge and he could feel the waves crushing down on him, while Tommy cried out his name.
Tommy could feel his body shaking through ecstasy and he could see the love in Adams eyes and suddenly it was just too intense to withstand. Tommy felt the tears in his eyes before they were really there. He shivered all over his body and whined all emotions out. And Adam was there, he was holding him tight. "Tommy, I've got you, you can let go, I've got you." And Tommy cried all his fears away until he could feel the joy and happiness that Adam brought to him.
After what seems to be a little eternity Adam got up to clean them. Then he laid down on top of Tommy, his hands under his own chin, his look deep in Tommys eyes. "I love you so much, I hope you know that." Tommy smiled. "I know now. I love you too, so fucking much. I was about to lose my mind without you. How could I have ever believed that I could be able to get over you." Adam smirked: " Yeah, I know there was no chance to forget me!" Tommy hit Adams backhead with his hand. "Hey, not fair. I am so exhausted from making love to you, I can't even defend myself." Adam was pouting. "Too bad, Lambert, but I have to take advantage of it." Tommy started to tickle Adam. Adam was writhing and laughing until he fell from the bed. "Aua! This was sooo not cool, Ratliff. But now it's time for payback." He wanted to jump up for a little fight, but he stopped as he looked up to Tommy. His face was laying on the edge of the bed and he was looking down to Adam. His eyes were shining and there was a beautiful smile on his face. Adam couldn't help himself but pulled Tommy down to the floor and kissed him passionatly on his lips. He stroked then Tommys bangs out of his face and said "Thank you for letting me love you." Tommy shivered and kissed Adam with all the love he had to give and they stayed like this for a while just enjoying the feeling of pure happyness.
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