Title: Of Love and Goodbyes
Summary: This is a letter of love. The beginning and the end.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but the story is all mine. Lemon alert.
It was one of those average, boiling hot days in Phoenix. I drove my car home from work and thought, "Well, look at that. I need some gas." I smiled to myself. It would be the seventh time I had seen you. Not that I was counting. I pulled my Camry into the station and debated on going in to pay. I knew, as usual, you would be looking. I felt my face flush a little and my nerves almost got the better of me. I stepped outside the car and tugged down on my shorts and straightened my black tank top. I saw my reflection in the window of the car and it told me I looked decent. My heart started to hammer as I walked to the door. I walked quickly inside and grabbed a Pepsi and some Twizzlers. It was my usual purchase. I stood in line just like I always did watching as you helped the person in front of me. You looked into my eyes and smiled your heartbreaking smile.
"Hello." You greeted me. I smiled and said hi back. "Is this going to be it?" You asked with a twinkle in your eye. I stared at your name tag like I had all the times before: Alice. I looked back up at your eyes shyly and told you I needed ten dollars in gas. You smiled at me and pressed the button not asking what pump I was at because you knew. You knew, because you were as aware of me as I was you.
You bagged my treats and I said goodbye as I walked out feeling happy. Happy. What a strange feeling it was. It had been such a hard emotion to come by.
I walked out to the pump and started to fill the tank when your co worker walked out to me. She asked my name and I told her: Bree. She smiled at me and told me she liked my name. I thanked her awkwardly wondering what brought her outside. I thought maybe I had forgotten something inside, but then she handed me a told me you thought I was cute. I blushed brightly at the revelation and told her I thought you were cute too. I looked away ashamed and feeling awkward for what I had to say next. In that moment I had wished more than anything that I was free to call you. I winced a little at the pain of having to explain. I told her that I had a boyfriend. She shook her head at the information. "She's going to be bummed." She told me then turned and walked away.
"I am too." I whispered and put the nozzle back into the pump, got in my car, and drove away. My happy bubble busted.
I spent the good part of a week staring at the numbers on the paper. I would work up the courage to call and I'd get as far as the sixth number before hanging up. I wanted to explain to you my circumstances. I wanted to tell you about my life and most of all I wanted to know about yours. I wanted to know what the sound of your laugh was like. I wanted to touch your hair. I knew it was wrong to feel that way. I shouldn't have wanted anyone else. I had Diego. He was strong and faithful and fun. He worked hard and tried hard for us to be something we weren't ever capable of: something real. I knew that it would kill him to know I was only with him to keep from breaking his heart. That my heart had left us a long time ago. I tried to be happy, to be what he wanted. I think I only lived up to the expectations in his head. To him I was the world, and to me, he was a cage.
I had avoided you for a week. That was all that I could take. Every fiber of my being ached to see you again. I kept your number in my purse the whole time. Your number was memorized even though I had never fully used it. I walked inside the store and was relieved we were alone. You smiled at me, but it didn't reach your eyes. I wanted them to sparkle. I needed them to. I swallowed hard and I stood at the counter not saying a word. I was just looking at you. "Do you need anything?" You asked quietly. I nodded my head yes.
"Can I still call you?" I asked. I looked down at the floor, not being able to meet your eyes while you answered.
"Of course you can," you said sweetly. I looked up at you not knowing how to feel. Relieved? Disappointed? The torture of wanting to know you and not being able to going hand in hand.
"When do you get off work?" I asked finally. You said four and I said okay. I walked out of the store and got into my car. I didn't buy anything that day, except hope. Hope of what? I didn't know. All I knew was I finally had some.
I drove to my house trying to compose myself along the way. I got out and walked in the door to nothing. No one was ever home, except on weekends and late at night. That was okay with me. I could bear the solitude. It meant that I didn't have to be fake. I sat on the couch trying to watch television instead of the clock. I didn't want to seem too eager and it took all that I had in me not to call at exactly four thirty. I waited until five and gave in. It rang twice when I heard your voice. It was like a song and I couldn't stop my smile.
"Alice?" I asked.
"Yes." You answered.
The conversation we had filled up three entire hours. I finally heard your laugh, I finally heard about parts of your life, and I finally got to explain mine. You told me of how Rosalie Hale had been your first love and how she broke your heart. I told you how Diego was the only relationship I had ever had been in. You never judged. You just listened. You understood where I was and accepted it.
At the time it was enough just to talk and see each other for a few minutes at your job. Every night we would sit on the phone. Only hanging up when we had to. We only ever had to because of him.
We had talked to each other for a few weeks before my first trip out to see you. I had to buy groceries. You had the day off. You asked if I wanted company. My heart did cartwheels. It was simple enough. I was shopping and you were walking with me. I pushed the cart around and we laughed and flirted and joked with each other, blushing when our eyes would lock. I had never seen a more beautiful shade of pink than the one on your cheek when you blushed. It was my most favorite color. I would call you out when you would check out a girl and it would bring out that perfect hue. I would be hypnotized by it. When the trip was over, I had to return. You walked me out to my car and helped me with the bags. We awkwardly said goodbye. Both not knowing if a hug would be too much. So just waving and smiling and stalling. I watched you walk to your car, walking away with my hope.
I returned to my cage and faked my smiles as best I could and laughed at all the right times. When he wanted to talk seriously I sat and listened to him for hours, not paying attention to a word he said. I nodded and agreed with him until he yelled at me. He said I wasn't listening and I said I was. He asked me what I was thinking about and of course I couldn't answer. He told me I felt distant. I told him I was tired and he accepted it because he didn't want to know the truth. His hazel eyes filled with confusion. He tried kissing me and I had to pull away. I saw the look of hurt in his eyes and it was killing me. So like a coward I kissed him back and we went to our bedroom. Through all his touches, I thought about you until he was pleased and I could go asleep.
The closer you and I became the more I would fight with him. We had exchanged emails, IM's, text messages. I felt the need to communicate with you more and more. You started school and would call me in the evening so we could talk about our day. You were studying to become a masseuse and all I could think of was your hands. How soft they looked and how I longed for them to touch me. How much I had wanted to touch you.
One night we were on the phone during a monsoon. You told me you were standing outside and I walked outside too, imagining that I was standing next to you. The air hadn't cooled off much. The humid desert air felt something like a sauna. We were talking and laughing and watching the glorious light show that seemed to be put on just for us, when suddenly you said ouch. I asked what happened. You told me a bug had bitten your knee and I whispered "Lucky bug." I heard your breath catch. I would've given anything to have actually been standing in front of you. You remained silent for a moment and while the lightning danced through the sky you said you had to see me. There was such urgency in your voice. It killed me inside to have to say no. I promised you we would get together soon. It was all that I could do.
The time we had to talk was becoming less with your schooling and my working more shifts. You told me you had moved into a dorm room. I was happy for you. You had seemed to be happy, although now when we spoke your voice didn't have the same ring to it. I told you I was going out for a while and you asked if I wanted company. I smiled. "Of course." I said. We met outside of a rundown shopping center. You pulled your car up next to mine. You hopped inside of my car and we sat and watched the sun going down. There was nothing that could beat the beauty of a desert sunset, except, maybe your smile. You found a camera inside of my glove box and took a picture of yourself. It scared me a little, that there was this chunk of evidence inside that camera, but mostly I had the urge to develop it so I could have you with me all the time.
We laughed and played and the later it got the less I wanted to leave, mostly because I knew I had to. We stood between the cars. You to my left: our bare shoulders touching. I felt your hand graze my arm and felt chills run over my body. Your touch ignited a desire that I had buried for so long that it nearly consumed me. We stared in each other's eyes, knowing we had to go but not wanting it to end. You asked if I would call you later. I promised that I would. We stood, not moving. My heart beating in my ears. You leaned forward and pulled me into a hug. I took my hands and let them roam up and down your back. I felt you melt into me and you turned your face toward my neck. The heat of your breath and the softness of your lips linger there and you gave a small kiss beneath my ear. Goosebumps rose all over my body and I shivered. I raised my hand and ran it through your silky hair. My other hand cupped your cheek. You pulled slightly back, our noses touching. The longing in your eyes matching my own. You pulled back a little more breaking the spell you had me under. You said goodnight, got in your car and left. I sat in my car and cried.
I didn't know how to leave my cage. I didn't know how to let him go. I didn't want him- but I didn't want him to hurt. I didn't want to be unfair to either of you. I wanted you, and that was scarily apparent by the desire I felt every time I remembered your touch. I had never felt such passion in one moment. I had never allowed myself to give in to temptation. I thought about your loving eyes and beautiful mouth and soft, soft skin. I thought about how you had told me you needed something more from me. I wanted to give you everything you needed. I wanted you to have all of me, but I was too afraid to give it. I was afraid of the unknown.
I called you one night when your room was having a party. You were pretty messed up and I was pretty angry. I had a huge fight with him and I needed to talk to someone. You treated me as if you could care less. I felt relieved that you were distancing yourself from me. That you were going to find someone that could give you what you deserved, but at the same time the amount of jealousy I had over the very thought of you with anyone else was crippling. We hung up angry. We said hurtful things. You throwing him in my face and me calling you a toy. It hurt, more than I could stand.
A week had passed and I had not heard from you. Not one email. Not one message did I receive, not that I deserved it. I felt so numb inside. He was taking notice of everything. He remarked on my every move, sigh, and look. He watched me like a hawk and at night when he tried to make love I would turn away, crying. I couldn't stand his touch, his voice, his damn hazel eyes. I hated the pain and confusion in them and I wished every second that the love and tenderness in them would just go away. It never did. He kept trying to be supportive and had he known why I wouldn't… couldn't… he'd of hated me, which was my goal I suppose: to make him stop loving me, but not like that. Our fights became more intense, I tried to push him away, but he never budged. His ideals of me were too much. I wasn't who he wanted me to be and it killed me.
After two weeks I received an email from you. You asked if I was okay. Three words. Are. You. Okay. Those three words caused a violent reaction inside of me. I was happy, sad, angry, confused. I stared at the email for ten minutes before I wrote you back.
Come over tonight. Let's talk.
I obsessively checked my email every five minutes to see if you had responded. It took two hours before you replied.
One word carried so much hopefulness. He wasn't due home until two am. You were coming over at eight. I got dressed nervously. I wore my token jean shorts and a white tank. I slipped my Playboy Bunny flip flops on and sat outside on the porch and waited for you to arrive. My heart sped when I heard your car turn down the street. My hands were clammy and I was scared to death. I felt as though that night was the precipice of whatever it was we were, or were going to be. You pulled up in the front of the house and I watched as you glided your way up to me. You had on a black skirt and gray top with obviously no bra, and wore a pair of black sandals. You looked so enticing. I sat on the step and scooted over to give you room there too, ignoring the chairs just a few feet away. I longed for you to be next to me.
We idled through small talk for the first few awkward moments that you were there. We sat silently for a moment. Our bare arms and legs brushing against each other. I felt, in every second, the urge to touch you: To feel the smoothness of your skin and to caress your mouth with mine. I could feel the sparks between us becoming more intense. You turned your eyes to lock in mine.
"What am I doing here Bree? What… what is this?" You said pointing into the small space between us.
I shook my head "I...don't know Alice," and leaned my forehead against yours.
You took your hands and grabbed my face and kissed me. I was surprised by the boldness, the urgency in it. Your lips were softer and warmer than I had imagined. Your hands traveled around my body so expertly, causing me to breathe heavier. I cupped your face with my hands and as we kissed feverishly, we stood up and you slammed my body against the front door. You parted your lips and your tongue traced the outline of my mouth slowly, painfully. I grabbed your hips and pulled them to mine closing any space that had existed between us. You ground yourself against my thigh and the naked heat of you caused me to moan. You left a trace of wetness there that burned into my skin. You whispered "Let me inside." I gasped at the seductive purr in your voice breathing in my ear.
I opened the door and you spun me around and kissed me, pressing my back against the door and it slammed closed. Your hands tangled in my hair, you pulled me towards the couch and pushed me causing me to stumble back. As I lay there you pulled up my tank. You kissed around the edges of my bra and while you pulled it off you kissed them and murmured the words "beautiful" and "sexy".
My body was throbbing to be touched and kissed and caressed, but as much as I wanted you, I wanted to touch you too. I had never had an experience like this and I wanted to savor every moment. I flipped you around and pressed your back into the seat of the couch, my entire body hovering over you. You looked at me with lusty surprise as I tugged your shirt off and I stared at your beautiful round breasts. Each had a piercing that just enhanced the perfection all the more. I looked up at you in uncertainty. You smiled the world's sexiest smile. "Go slow. I'll show you." You whispered. I felt my clit aching but I wanted to experience you first. I lowered my mouth to your breast placing soft gentle kisses. Your breathing got heavier. I traced the outline of your nipple with my tongue very lightly and you responded by stroking my breasts. You rubbed them gently, your thumb coasting over my nipples causing the ache to increase. I moaned as I flicked your nipples with my tongue, you bucked your hips against mine and pulled me into a kiss, our tongues colliding and thrashing in urgency. You took your hands and started to tug at the button on my shorts.
My mind started to race with what this would all mean. I had crossed a line that night that I would never be able to recover from if things ended badly. I brushed the thoughts aside stubbornly and I allowed you to pull them off. I slid my hand up your thigh. You saw the question in my eyes and you smiled. You took your own hand and placed mine between your legs. You took my fingers and showed them where to go. I started to tremble. My entire body vibrated with excited confusion. You took your other hand and pulled me down to kiss you. You shifted us so that we were on our sides and then you took your free hand and worked it between my legs.
I parted them gently and while my hand started to move in circles over your smooth slick clit, your fingers started to rub and pinch mine. We both moaned and kissed and gasped as our fingers worked through our arousal. Suddenly you sat up and spread my legs before you. My eyes started to fill up with tears from all the emotions coursing through me. My legs were shaking and I watched as you lowered your beautiful mouth onto me. Your tongue moving torturously slow around my clit as you filled the inside of me with two of your fingers. I groaned loudly at the sensations taking over my body. Your fingers curved and hit a spot I had never known existed. I could feel your tongue swirling. The combination of the two sensations made me pant and grunt. My hips bucked and swayed as I felt a pressure more intense than anything I had ever felt before. I screamed out your name as you brought me to an orgasm so great my entire body convulsed and shook from it. Tears began to fall down my face.
Your face was flushed and your eyes heavy with lust you licked your lips and slid back up to me. I felt your lips on mine, kissing me softly. I could taste myself on your tongue and I kissed and pulled on your lip lightly with my teeth. You moaned softly and I opened my eyes and held your gaze. Your mouth then kissed away my tears. After a few moments of gentle caresses, I whispered in your ear it was your turn. You moaned happily in response. I started by kissing and biting your neck, which made you body jump as that sensitive part of your skin was exposed. I worked my way slowly down enjoying the beauty of your body, the soft gentle curves. I peppered your belly with little kisses, causing you to laugh lightly. Your laugh was like a sonnet.
I took my time exploring your skin. I kissed the bird tattoo on your hip, that curve there felt pleasant against my mouth. I was nervous and scared. I wanted to do for you what you did for me, but I didn't know how. I started by spreading your legs apart widely so I could appreciate the view. I took my hand and pushed back the skin and saw your shiny red clit. I licked my finger and ran light circles around it. Your moans encouraged me to keep going. I blew softly on it and I heard a gasp. You tried to touch yourself, but I held your hand down. It was my first time and I was going to explore it my way. You groaned and I placed a finger inside of you and was surprised at how wet and hot you were. I wasn't sure what else to do so I pulled it in and out. You then told me to use two and showed me how to move them. Your beautiful pink cheeks had me in awe as you panted and spoke. You arched your back as I did what you said and when I saw your breathing getting more frantic I lowered my mouth down on you. I ran my tongue back and forth over your clit and you moaned as if you were in agony. I stopped suddenly at the sound. You groaned at me to keep going so I did and I licked in circles and curled my fingers inside of you and when I very lightly used my lips to pull on your clit I heard you make a grunting sound and I felt your muscles clamp down on my fingers. A gush of wetness covered my hand. I could tell I had made you come and I smiled like a geek. I sat back a little, feeling unsure of what to do next as I watched you trying to catch your breath. It was a sight I will never forget. Your breasts bounced and glowed. Your nipples red and erect. Your chest heaving rhythmically. I wanted to drink in that moment and hold it forever.
When you had finally recovered you asked me if this was really my first time. I blushed and said yes. I was happy that I did something that could please you. I wanted to do it forever. I looked on the ground and found your shirt and handed it to you. I pulled my clothes back on and sat down next to you kissing your shoulder. I asked you if you had wanted anything to drink and you said no. You said that you needed to go home and I felt empty at your words. The sparkle that had been there in your eyes was muted. I knew it was because of me and my cage. I wanted to be set free. I didn't say anything because I didn't know how or what to say. I opened the front door and walked you out to your car. I gave you a light peck on the lips and watched as you drove away with my heart.
The next day I woke up just like all the other days. I made breakfast; I ate, showered, went to work and came home. The only difference was him. He was home early. I tried to act like I was happy to see him. It was excruciating. He kissed me with his cold thin lips. I cringed. He looked at me funny. He asked if I was okay and I said yeah, that I had a stomach ache. That wasn't far from the truth. He said he was going to watch TV in the living room and I told him I was going to lie down. Just before curling under the covers, I checked my email on our lap top. There was an email from you. It had a time stamp of 11:48pm. You had to have written it just as you got home. The words it contained were food for my soul. You wrote with such poetic passion that my entire world shut down and I bathed in your words. It caused a fire within me to go to you. To touch you, taste you, love you. LOVE YOU. I was so in love with you.
I cried at the injustice of the situation. I was a coward. A fraud. I was playing pretend with someone who deserved so much more than a selfish piece of shit like me. I toyed with the one person who could make my entire world brighter with just one glance. I hated myself. I hated what I was doing. I wiped the tears off my face and I heard a knock behind me. I jumped ten feet in the air and quickly closed the browser window. I turned to see him looking at me curiously. He asked me what was wrong. I said nothing, telling him it was a sad email forward. He looked skeptically at me with those sharp, piercing eyes, but nodded. His face full of suspicion. I needed to leave. Get away. I was smothered by so many emotions I couldn't think. I told him I had to go to the store. He offered to come with me. I stood up and he noticed my shaking hands and asked if I was okay. I kissed his cheek, said I was hungry, grabbed my coat and left. I drove to the place I went whenever I felt the need to get away from the world. It was a huge rock that had a cavern that had been washed through at the top. I parked my car and walked around to the back to make the hike. My cell phone buzzed in my pocket. It was him. I cringed. He left a voicemail. I placed my phone on a ledge and left it there. I needed the solitude.
I sat in the opening of the rock and just stared out into the distance. The lump in my throat choking me. I needed to make a choice. I needed to do…-something. I stood there looking out. I walked to the edge and looked down. A breeze came blowing through the cavity blowing my hair all around me. I had a sudden dizzy spell and nearly fell. The adrenaline of the moment snapping me back to reality. I scurried over to the wall of the rock and pressed my back against it. I slid down and sat for a moment taking in some deep breaths, fighting the tears in my eyes. I stood up slowly and walked back toward the car. I grabbed my phone and saw I had thirty six missed calls and thirteen voicemails. All from Diego, except one. The other was from my brother Fred.
After an hour of crying I collected myself and drove back to the house. I was not even close to being prepared for what awaited me there. As I pulled into the driveway Diego stormed out of the garage door. He walked furiously toward the car punching the hood and leaving a dent. He yanked the car door open just as I had placed it in park. He had a paper in his hand. I was confused until he shoved it in my face. And there in black and white was the poetry, and love. The song you sang to my heart, printed out and blasting my face with the truth.
His eyes werered and enraged. He pulled me out of the car and dragged me toward the house. "Who the FUCK is this Bree?" he screamed.
"How?" I asked, I was so frightened.
"I hacked into your account you little bitch! You fucking bitch!" He yelled or cried. It was hard to tell the difference.
"Tell me it's not true. Tell me. Did you kiss her? Fuck her? Was it as fucking beautiful as she makes it sound Bree? Tell me! Tell me the truth." I watched his chin quiver as he spoke. My heart sank. I was in such shock that I didn't know what to say. I stood there staring down at the ground, not being able to look at the pain on his face any longer. My chest felt tight. It was hard to breathe.
"I hate you. I never want to see your fucking face again!" He screamed. I cried. I cried from guilt, relief, pain and uncertainty. I was being set free, but at the cost of the heart of a good man. I hated myself.
I walked into the house and saw him walk out the back. He lit up a cigarette and paced back and forth crying. I felt broken, miserable. His hands were pulling on his hair in anguish. He curled into a ball and sobbed. I wanted to look away, but I knew I deserved the pain. I did this. I caused this. I started to cry and walked into the bedroom and grabbed a bag. I wasn't sure where I was going to stay. I had nowhere to go. I was frightened and now I was alone. All my family lived out of state. I heard him slam the back door. I started to shove things into the bag. Hot tears running down my face. He came in.
"Were you just curious Bree?" He asked his voice was painfully hopeful. It took me a second to answer.
"At first." I managed.
"Now?" He asked. I remained silent. "You love her." He stated more than asked. Disgust saturating his voice.
He told me that your roommate was the sister of a guy he worked with. That he remembered hearing your name being thrown around. He asked me if I had been aware of your reputation. This shocked me. I shook my head no as I stared at the ground. "She's a player. You'll never survive her Bree. She's going to hurt you. Why can't you just love me?" he said and wept. I remained silent. His words cut through me. I didn't know how to respond. An unexpected sob escaped my lips.
"All this distance… The cold shoulders the fake smiles. All these months. Because of her." He explained, more to himself than me. I just stood and wept.
I said I was sorry. I tried to tell him I didn't mean for it to happen. He shook his head and punched a hole in the wall before walking into the bathroom. He stopped just short of the doorway his back facing me. "She's poison Bree, but if that's what you want, I love you enough to let you go."
I fell into shattered pieces.
When I left, I had no plan. As I drove away I realized I had forgotten my phone, but I wasn't turning around. I drove to the supermarket and called you from a payphone. Your roommate answered your phone with a giggle. She told me you were indisposed at the moment. I begged her to give you the phone. There was a pause. Then you came on the line.
"Bree?" You answered, breathless.
"He read your email." I said and sobbed.
You asked where I was. I choked on my sobs and collapsed. People walking by tossing me concerned looks. You begged me to tell you were I was and offered to let me crash on your couch. I couldn't find my voice. The offer struck a chord in me. I wasn't sure why, but I felt put off by it.
"Bree, I know it's not much, but that's all I can offer you. I'm in a dorm with three other girls." Your voice sounded remorseful. "I'll call you back." I said and I could hardly get the words out. Then I hung up hearing your words panicking as it left my ear.
It took me three days to talk to anyone. I held myself up in a rundown motel 6. On the third day, I was scheduled to work and I did. My manager told me I looked like hell. I knew this to be true because I had spent a vast majority of the time crying. Feeling scared and exposed. I nodded and tried to walk away when she closed the door.
"Bree, what's wrong?" I shook my head not really wanting to confide in her.
"Renee, I…" I took a deep breath and for some strange reason, I spilled it all out. I told her about you, him, and where I was. I released all the pain I had been clinging to and let it dance in the air. When I finished talking, I looked up into a pair of understanding eyes.
"Crash at my house. I have a guest room. You'll be fine girl." She rubbed my shoulder and it was all I needed.
I called you two days later with a pay as you go phone. It had been less than one week since I last spoke to you on the pay phone. You asked me what happened. I told the truth. You were silent. I heard voices in the background, they were laughing. I was jealous of that ability. You said things had been hectic with school. You didn't ask to see me. I didn't tell you how much I wanted to see you. How much I wanted to feel your soft, sweet lips on mine. There was something off. I didn't know what it was.
Our conversations at night were brief and held no meaning. Your abrupt change in attitude was driving me crazy. Finally, two weeks after I disappeared, I begged you to see me. I didn't understand your hesitation when you said yes.
You drove to Renee's. I only invited you there because I knew we'd be alone. Her husband had a trip to Santa Barbara and she had gone with him. I sat nervously by the window and I saw you in the car before you got out. You sat and stared out into space. You looked as though you were fighting with yourself.
I opened the front door. My white gauzy skirt blowing softly in the desert breeze. The warmth outside heating my air conditioned skin. You looked up at me. Your skin glowed in the orange of the setting sun. Your eyes met mine and they were sad. You got out of the car and walked up toward me. I admired your slight figure; the way the black dress clung to just the right places and fell loosely everywhere else. You smiled at me, but it was full of caution. I wondered if you realized how easy your face was to read. You stopped just before reaching me and looked to the ground.
I told you I was glad you came and you just nodded slowly, accepting what I said, but not returning it. My heart started to pound. I lifted your chin to look into your eyes. The spark between us was muted, almost gone. I dropped my hand and watched your eyes brim with tears.
"I'm a bad person Bree." You said. My mind spun in confusion.
I took you in my arms. I held you there and felt you rub your head against my shoulder. You kept saying that you were sorry. I pulled back and tried so hard to make you smile, but you refused and would never make eye contact. I didn't understand and I only wanted to make you happy. I pulled you inside the house. I held you tight against me, but you made no move to get closer to me. You pulled away, but held onto my hands.
I asked what was wrong. I begged you to tell me what was going on as I felt near hysterics.
You knocked the fucking wind out of me with one word. I flashed back to our earlier conversations. She was your first girlfriend, your first everything. She was to you what you are to me. I took a step back pulling my hands with me.
You started to ask me not to hate you. I started to shake with anger and hurt. I choked on sobs. You apologized for ruining my life, that you didn't know how much you still loved her or you wouldn't have let things go so far with me. I couldn't think of anything to say so I sank to the floor and I wrapped my arms around my legs and wept. You clung to me, begging for forgiveness. I pushed you away, screaming for you to get out. The awful effects of karma not escaping me. You apologized once more before leaving. You left me in the middle of the living room weeping. I felt consumed and used.
You called me that night. You cried. You said you were confused. You didn't know what you wanted. In a moment of extraordinary strength I told you to be with her: That the only thing in this world that mattered to me now was your happiness. I'd do and give up just about anything, if only to see you smile. You wept. I shushed you over the phone. When we hung up three hours later, you sounded better. But I felt sadder. I knew that I wouldn't be talking to you the way I wanted anymore. The life I had envisioned with you was destroyed.
As time went on we talked less and less. I was on auto pilot most of the time. My heart hurt every single time it beat. I dreamt of you every night: Your hands, your body, those lips, your sweet voice and shining eyes. I saw you in everything I did. Sometimes I would be so angry I thought that I hated you. Until I realized I just hated loving you.
One night my brother forced me out of the house and dragged me to a bar. I didn't dress up. I showed up in slippers and sweatpants. That night I saw you and Rosalie. You were dancing together in the corner. She was holding you close. You never looked in my direction, which I suppose was a good thing. I felt all the blood drain from my face. I trembled and my brother saw looked at my face and carried me out of there. He apologized repeatedly for making me go. It took me months to recover.
Not long after that I got an offer to move out of state and I took it without thinking twice. I didn't bother telling you. By that time we only talked via email once every few months. Each time we communicated, there was an undercurrent of despair. The pain of keeping in touch didn't seem worth it. I didn't meet anyone else in Arizona. I didn't want to. Too much of me belonged to you. I worked and saved and bought a condo in Florida.
Months after I moved, I had met a really amazing girl by the name of Angela. She was pretty, sweet, and funny. She had no drama in her life. I knew I liked her right way because on our first date there was a loud thunderstorm and she grabbed my hand and pulled me outside. We danced as the rain poured down over us. There was something uninhibited about her that I found refreshing. She wasn't jaded. She lived every day with enthusiasm. I found myself drawn close to her. We made a good pair. I was quiet and reflective and she was happy and outgoing. Our relationship flourished and the sex was always satisfying. But through it all, I missed your sparkling eyes, the electric way you made me feel. So much of me was still in you. If she suspected it, she never let on.
Time went by, life was good and then one day I got an email. It was from you. In it you cried of mistakes, how much you still cared about me, and how sad you were that we weren't close. Fire burned through my veins with every word. You left your phone number asking me to call you. Angela walked up behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder. She asked what I was reading. I told her it was an email from you. She looked curious, but didn't push. I held onto your number for days. I agonized over calling you. Until finally, selfish creature that I was, I caved.
You answered. I hesitantly replied. We sat in silence for an awkward moment; neither of us knowing what to say. We made small talk and within minutes it was as though nothing had changed. You were my Alice again: I was your Bree. We talked about life and we skirted around the subject of relationships and the past until we couldn't avoid it any longer. You asked if I had someone. I told you the truth. You told me about Rosalie and how you left her. I was surprised to hear you had been the one who ended things. I was glad to hear you sounding happy again. You hinted at how your job would allow you to work anywhere and that you were looking for jobs in my area. My heart fell to the floor. If you came here, it could change things. I had finally moved on. I had a life. I had a life I was happy in. It wasn't electricity and twinkling eyes but it was warm and safe and good. The conflict raging inside of me broke me down. I tried to sound calm but every nerve in my body was vibrating with fear. I tried to pass it off as indifferent and I heard your voice shake. I told you to wait. I needed to think. You agreed and that was how we left it three weeks ago.
Today you surprised me at work. I had no idea that you were coming. I was beyond shocked you would be so bold as to fly across the country to see me when neither of us knew where we stood. When I saw you, my knees buckled and I grabbed onto the chair next to me for balance. Your hair has grown past your shoulders. It looked so soft, pretty, and touchable. That spark was alive in your eyes. You sauntered up to me with a sexy, cherry lipped smile. Although we were surrounded by people, in that moment, it was just me and you and the soft serenade of our hearts beating in rhythm. You stood just inches away from me. Our eyes never left each other, people were staring, and you were smiling. I was stunned. I broke our gaze to tell my co worker Jessica to cover for me. I took you by the hand and felt a shock when our skin touched.
We went outside and sat on the bench. I asked you why you were here. You said you couldn't wait. You wanted to see me. You wanted answers I didn't have. I only had a ten minute break, which is why I am at home now writing you this letter.
Is it wrong to tell you that all I could think about was taking your mouth with mine? To hold your slender body and feel your naked skin against me? To allow myself to fall so deeply in love with you that the only way out would be death? Yes. That would be wrong. I should not tell you that because I have Angela. She is my life now. It breaks me up inside to know that you still own me- in almost every way possible. The passion I feel for you is painfully real. You have me in every way except in the way I know is right. You are my poison. I cannot be with you and keep my sanity. I love you, but I love the life I have now more.
This is a faithful narrative of every single moment in my life that has involved you. I hope you realize that this is written to show you how very much you are truly adored. Without you I may not have ever been freed from my cage, I suppose others would call it a closet. I couldn't ever see it that way.
With this letter I'm letting you go. It hurts and I am not writing this without crying the most bittersweet tears I have ever cried over you. My love, I want you to be happy. I want you to find another to dance in the rain with. Someone who can excite and inspire you. You will always be in my heart, but we were never meant for forever. I hope you are able to move on easier than I did.
With Love Always,