If you're reading this and you've read my previous stuff, please don't kill me! For me, writing absolutely CANNOT be forced. If it is, I end up hating it and get pissy at the whole story. Also, I've been through a lot. I'm not the 16 year-old girl who first stumbled upon this site. I'm extremely busy with school, especially this year. Life gets in the way, too. So, this is my way of giving excuses as to why I haven't updated in probably over a year for Beautiful Immorality and I cringe to imagine how long for Unknown Guest. I'm sorry. I really am cuz I read fics too and it stinks when writers don't update. I wrote this over the summer and am now quickly editing bare minimum for it to fit as a fanfic. The writing is very choppy and really unclear, so I'm sorry if you don't understand, but it gets clearer as you get flashbacks and that kind of good stuff. If you like this, please tell me so I will edit and put up the other chapters. If people don't tell me that they like the story/put it on alert or favorites, I'll just take it down.
Summary: Bella Swan has been in love with her best friend, Edward Cullen, completely without his knowing. As their friendship drifts, how will she cope?
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or "I Miss You."
And Avyncentia, if you're reading this, please don't read this story.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I have decided to write letters to you. Not to give to you, of course, but just to vent and tell you all the things I want to, but can't. And believe me, there is a lot of stuff to tell, not including all the shit that will happen in the future between you and me. And I have a bad feeling that none of these things will be good. So call me crazy, but I have to do this in order to get all my pent-up feelings out of me. I want them to be gone so bad, but I can't get rid of them because I can't tell you, of course. It's a vicious cycle, I know.
But I can tell you here, which is the next best thing, I guess. So let me tell you the one thing I've been hiding from you since about August, which is 10 months ago. Way too long to keep such a secret, if you ask me. I love you. That statement is pretty much the center of this whole mess, really. If I didn't love you, then I don't think I would have had this problem of getting my heart broken by myself, and you, of course, every day. Yes, Edward. Every single fucking day. All of this will be revealed and exampled over time, I assure you. But I just wanted to make it clear for you at the very beginning so there is no confusion.
Today picked up from where yesterday left off. Mentally, that is. I kept thinking about my conversation with you last night. If you could even call it a conversation. It was all texts. Again, I let my mind do the talking without any filter. But it was true, Edward. I'd rather it be last summer with me thinking you were the weirdest kid in the world (yet somehow unable to abandon) and you having time and will to hang out with me. And yes, I regret speaking my mind, but I don't at the same time. Why? Because I want you to know that I think these things. I want you to know that I know what's going on, and that I don't like it. It's just another way that you break my heart.
And then you did it again today. I went on Facebook just for kicks and I saw you online at 1:50! This was the same as the movie you said you couldn't go with me. I felt so dejected and betrayed and sad and angry that I had to ask you why. And then you said you couldn't go because you had to practice your piano. At that specific time. But the good thing was that you made me have a revelation today, which is another big step for me. Here it is: you love your goddamn piano more than you love your friends (specifically, me) and your family. Admit it. You know it's true.
And that just brings me one step closer to liberation. See, I don't want to love you anymore because all I feel is pain now. Yes, I really do think I loved you. I'm using past tense now because I hope it puts me on a faster road to recovery from you. I want to move on because it's so obvious you will never love me back. I don't even think you want to be my friend anymore.
Today I went to the library to get some peace and quiet so I could work on my lab report. I honestly don't know how I survived living at home during school for 12 years. Anyway, I was listening to Blink while graphing on my computer when guess what song came up. "I Miss You." Our song, I think you said once. And that got me thinking about the first time you sent me this song, for we sent the link so many times to each other while I was away at school (1st semester, that is). But I remember the origin. Do you remember, Edward? It was when I went on vacation to Seattle for 5 days with Charlie. Not even a week, whereas you left me for a whole month. No, five days. And you texted me so many times and played piano on phone messages and even called me twice. It was, of course, right in front of Charlie, but do you know what? I loved it so much, even though I was embarrassed as ever. Why? Because you missed me and couldn't wait till I returned home. And guess what? I missed you, too. All I could think about was seeing you again.
But then maybe the best part (because I really did love it when you would play piano over the phone) was when I came home and checked my email. Do you know how many Facebook messages you sent me while I was away, Edward? It was 38. There were a lot of messages professing your longing to see me, lots of random shit that always made me laugh, and a lot of song links, but "I Miss You" stood out the most because the lyrics matched you the most. And we would send that song to each other whenever we especially wished we could be together ever since.
I must go finish my lab report. Fuck chemistry. I could go on down Memory Lane, but I'll save it all for another day. Maybe I will get the courage to talk to you tonight, but probably not. And you will probably avoid me like you have been since February. I'm assuming that my proposed movie night this Friday will not happen. And that makes me sad because I miss my friend. Until next time.
Like I said, please express interest (I know it's really random and angsty, but it gets easier to follow) or else I will take it down. Thanks for your understanding.