Warnings: This is a MATURE story, as in sex. If you don't know what a blue waffle is, don't read. Please for the love of all things holy, don't Google it.
There was a God.
A merciful, all-forgiving, loving, God. It didn't matter to Him if Deidara killed a couple hundred innocent people; He decided to answer one of Deidara's longest prayers. Well, it was only since he joined the Akatsuki but technicalities didn't matter.
Akasuna no Sasori was unconscious on the Akatsuki couch and nobody was around to protect him. Deidara let an evil smile slip onto his face and crept over to his partner. He lightly brushed the red head's face, waiting for any sign of movement. His future victim slept there soundly. He then bitch slapped Sasori extremely hard but he still slept. Deidara let an evil crackle escape him and dragged Sasori's body into his room. He quickly locked the door and threw off his shirt. He crawled onto Sasori's lap and traced his fingers on his wooden chest.
He licked his lips and approached his partner's mouth gently, not wanting to stir him. He placed his pink lips on the other male's and shivered in pure ecstasy. It tasted even sweeter than he imagined.
"Ahh pine wood," Deidara moaned because if his lover was made from maple that would be gross.
The blonde stuck his tongue into the puppet master's mouth, exploring every corner and running his hand-mouths through the red locks of hair. He pulled gently then slid his tongue around his victim's mouth until he heard a faint click.
A spray of water emitted from Sasori's mouth and pushed Deidara off of him. Deidara collided with the ground and scowled, letting out a mouth full of water.
"He must have an anti-rape feature, un," Deidara mumbled, thinking about his next move. That was until he noticed his throbbing erection. Being a man, he knew what he had to do next. He tried searching under his bed for his flesh light until he noticed Sasori's mouth water dying down. "Oh yeah," Deidara purred, throwing his pants into a corner.
Wasting no time, he ripped off his victim's pants. He sat on his Sasori's defenseless lap and moved his hips in magical ways.
Even though Deidara was the one doing the raping, he just knew he had to be a uke. No matter who he fucked he was always on bottom. Sasori, Hidan, Itachi, Pain, Naruto, Gaara, and some guy named Ino all pounded his ass…at least in the stories he read, and may have wrote.
While Deidara was zoning off he wondered why his victim's dick wasn't shoved up his bum yet. There is no way Sasori wouldn't be hard as a rock yet. I mean the mere sight of Deidara caused men to go crazy. He looked down at his partner to figure out the problem and gasped in fear.
"Sasori-Danna…un…you're dickless! Un!" Deidara gasped in horror at the red-head's lack of dick. "How can I be a uke now," the terrorist whimpered in a very uke-like way.
"Wait a minute, un," Deidara smirked, a faint light in his eye. "That means I get to be seme!" All that previous whimpering stopped as Deidara's voice became it's normal manly tone. Deidara gained 300 exp points. What? Deidara is evolving?
Congratulations! SuperUke!Deidara has evolved into SuperSeme!Deidara.
Using this newfound strength and personality change, Deidara got his act together and focused on his main objective. To fuck the brains out of Sasori who was, luckily, still passed out on the bomber's bed with no water streams coming from his mouth.
With an evil gleam in his eye the blonde pushed his uke down onto the bed and rolled him over. Deidara shoved his manhood all up in Sasori. He pushed again then leapt up in pain. He moved a hand over his mouth to let out muffled screams. He looked down to see his pride and joy bleeding with a huge splinter sticking out. He winced in pain and removed the wood from his wood.
The artist looked at the other's backside to see his bum with no bum hole. Deidara scowled. He was fucking Sasori no matter what! Taking a hand-drill from his sex bin (perfectly located next to his bed) he drilled into Sasori.
Deidara smiled and admired his handiwork but to his sorrow, he wasn't hard anymore.
"Think of something hot, un," the blonde whispered letting his wildest fantasies come true.
"Hey bad boy, here is a dance for you," Granny Chiyo purred and moved her newly replaced hips in a seductive manor over Deidara's package.
Needless to say, Deidara's junk shot right up.
He then proceeded to fuck the shit out of his partner. It was everything he thought screwing a wall, board or bird house would feel like, but somehow better. Maybe it was because the puppet was made from pine-wood or that this was full-on rape, either way it felt fantastic.
"Yeah," Deidara panted, carefully avoiding the poison soaked death spikes on the red head's back. "Oh yeah, un!" Because even in pure passion, that stupid un still stays. "Fuck yeah, un!" The thrusting increased and poor passed-out Sasori still hasn't awoken yet. "Oh yeah! I'm going to, uh!"
"What's going on," A clam, smooth and overall sexy voice asked. Deidara looked at the source and saw a tiny red-head standing in his doorway, a bored look on his face.
"Sasori-Danna," Deidara panicked and stopped fucking, covering himself up. The previous Sasori he was screwing fell limp on the floor.
"What were you doing with my replacement body," the puppet mastah questioned.
"Tobi knows!" The annoying one piped up and emerged from under Deidara's bed. "But I'm not allowed to say," he giggled behind his mask.
"Let me tell him," Zetsu's face said from the ceiling.
"Silence," A voiced boomed from the closet. It opened up and Kakuzu, Konan, Hidan, a video camera, and two Pains came rolling out.
"Tissues," Konan whispered, running out of the room, holding a bleeding nose.
"I'm going to be rich," Kakuzu purred picking up the video camera.
"Lawl, Deidara-chan that was fucking gross," Hidan sneered.
"At least everyone didn't see,"Deidara thought to himself.
"Foolish fool," Itachi bellowed. "I was standing right here the whole time." Itachi gave a small wave from the wall he was leaning against which was right in Deidara's line of sight.
"At least EVERYONE didn't see,"Deidara thought to himself. Itachi pointed to a fish tank which Kisame was stuffed into.
"No seriously, what is going on," Sasori asked again.
"Hidan bet that if we let your spare body out Deidara would fuck it," Pain answered.
"Fuck yeah! Now pay up you shit heads." The second Pain unhappily handed him a few bills.
"That's gross," Sasori deadpanned. "I'm going to go bathe in acid."
"Kisame and I will do as well," Itachi stated picking up the fish bow.
"I suggest everyone does," Pain shivered. Everyone in the room turned to leave with Zetsu sinking into the ceiling tiles.
"Wait for meeee," Tobi whined chasing him out.
Deidara sat on the bed, broken hearted. Then he remembered this wasn't an angst story and fucked the shit out of his new favorite sex doll.
This is a parody, I really love SasoDei. I just wanted to be funneh! ;^;
Thanks LadyKakuHida for pointing out the mistakes! Or shall I call you LadySasoDei, amiright?