AN: This is a companion piece to my other story, Why you shouldn't give the Dark Lord muffins. Can be read on its own. And yes, I know doughnuts don't eat dementors, but just for the sake of this, willingly suspend your disbelief and read it.
It's my birthday, so I finally got around to posting this.
Disclaimer: My name is not J K Rowling; therefore I do not own Harry Potter. However, I do own the doughnut shop the dementors frequent.
Belatrix was brooding in her cell. There really wasn't much else to do, unless you tried to mock the dementors, who weren't affected by mocking. They just looked you, shrugged, and glided off to check the next prisoner.
Today, being Wednesday, was doughnut day for the dementors and YUM day for prisoners. YUM was an acronym of Belatrix's invention. It stood for Yucky Unidentifiable Mush.
As if her thoughts had summoned it, a dementor called out "S's ssss! Sss s ssss sssssssss!"
Another dementor came floating by to let the doughnut-laden one in. "Sss!" he said, reaching towards the box as they floated along the hallway. The first dementor jerked away, leaving the younger one empty-handed.
"Ssssss?" the younger one said a pleading look on his face.
"Ss," said the older one firmly.
The younger dementor didn't seem to know how to take a clue, because he reached for the doughnuts again. This time the older one stepped away and began lecturing the younger one.
Unfortunately, they had stopped within reaching range of a cell. The occupant of that cell was none other than Voldemort. Because of the Great Muffin Incident that had gotten them all caught, Voldemort's cell had a sign on it that read "WARNING, keep away from sugar at all costs!"
Neither dementor noticed the pale hand reaching through the bars toward the doughnuts. The hand took several from the open-topped box and pulled them back in.
Too late Belatrix noticed the hand with the doughnuts. "Stop him!" she shrieked. The prisoners and dementors had this unspoken code to keep the Dark Lord away from all things sugary, because no one knew what havoc he would wreck.
The dementors whipped around at her warning but, it was too late. Voldemort was standing there, shoveling the last doughnut in his mouth. He had powered sugar all down his dark evil-villain robes and glaze on his face.
The dementors backed away. "Ss, ssss sss ssssss." The older dementor said. The younger one took off, obeying his request. The one still carrying the box of doughnuts started sucking in happiness. However, Voldemort didn't have happiness, he had SUGAR.
By now, the sugar was starting to hit Voldemort's bloodstream. His eyes fell on the box still in the dementor's hand and he launched himself against the bars. Stronger prisoners than him had tried many time to get those bars to give, but oddly enough Voldemort launched himself once and the bars went flying across the hall.
The flying steel pinned the poor, doughnut-carrying dementor and nearly scared the life out of the prisoner across from Voldemort. The Dark Lord leapt across the hallway and fell on the sugary pastries.
By the time the reinforcements arrived, Voldemort had finished at least half the box. The dementors stared in horror at the scene before them. One of their own pinned beneath the bars, and an evil villain starting in on a sugar-induced high.
Before they completely figured out what to do, Voldemort leapt to his feet and ran off. The dementors hovered there, rather confused. A few of them hefted the bars off the pinned one and rescued him. A huddle was launched to try and figure out what to do next.
Belatrix tried to listen in on the dementors, but they still spoke in their strange, hissing language. She didn't even know if they understood each other sometimes. One time, a dementor had sent another off in search of "s sssss", the other had returned carrying a broom and the one who'd sent them did a face palm.
Suddenly Voldemort came running back around the corner, wand in hand and started firing spells at the dementor huddle.
The dementors scattered as soon as the first spell hit. It turned the poor dementor's robes neon pink and none of them wished to have the fate of looking like that.
"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" yelled the dementor whose robe was now pink.
Voldemort was running about blasting locks, walls and the occasional dementor. After two laps through Azkaban, he had half the guards chasing him, the other half were cowering in corners with pink robes.
Belatrix, whose cell had been one of the first blasted, watched the carnage with her mouth hanging open. Most, if not all, of the dementors had pink robes now. There were perhaps a dozen unaffected dementors still chasing the escaped prisoner. However, Voldemort while on a sugar high could not be caught.
Abruptly, in the middle of the hallway, right in front of her, Voldemort fell over with a surprised look on his face.
Belatrix rushed to his side, rolled him onto his back, and checked his pulse. He was going into sugar withdrawal; she recognized the signs from the Great Muffin Incident.
"Someone get me 100 cc's of… something!" Belatrix shrieked.
As before, Fenrir Grayback appeared out of nowhere, holding a defibrillator. He tried to hand Belatrix the defibrillator, but she shrieked "No Fenrir, I said 100 cc's of something!"
"Oh, right," he said. He disappeared and when he reappeared, he was holding a syringe filled with some unidentified clear liquid. Belatrix took it and stabbed Voldemort with it.
He convulsed, then fell still. "What was in that syringe?" Belatrix asked Fenrir.
He shrugged, "I have no idea." He glanced over his shoulder. "I have to go now," he said, and disappeared again.
Belatrix craned to see what he'd been looking at. As far as she could tell, there was absolutely nothing noteworthy. A spell went flying by her and hit the wall with a deafening CRACK. She looked back down to see Voldemort had woken up and was already shooting spells.
Prisoners suddenly seemed to wake up en masse as they realized that there was a rampaging villain on a sugar high inside the prison, and a newly formed hole leading to outside the prison.
They charged out like lemmings, flowing over the edge into the dark water below. Voldemort was the next to last one out, and the only reason he even got out was because Belatrix shoved him.
"See," hissed one pink-robed dementor to another as they hovered watching the prisoners swim away, "this is why you shouldn't give the Dark lord doughnuts."
AN2: It's not quite as funny as the first one, but I hope it brightened your day a bit.