A letter given to Buffy at some point after the events of Chosen, because everyone needs closure.


I own nothing, other than anything Joss Whedon and his cronies don't.

Author's Note

Just a short one shot (that may in the future work into a fic but only when I've completed my other stories) and I wasn't gonna post this cos my muse keeps creating new ideas rather than working on something I've already started and wanted to try and bend her to my will, yet alas the muse wants what the muse wants. This has been floating around on my hard drive for a while and I thought I'd put it up to see what people think. So until I finish my other two WIPS, hopefully this will tide my loyal readers over for a bit. Thank you so much for sticking with me and I promise results as soon as I can!

Please R&R!

Thanks, Jay.

Dear Buffy

If you're reading this, then it means one thing. I didn't make it. And I want you to know that I'm okay with that. I know that Angel didn't tell you anything about the amulet you gave to me, but I have a feeling that there's going to be a price to using it. But I'm going to do my best to be the man you want me to be. I'll be your Champion, and I won't fail you again.

There's so much I've wanted to say to you, yet never had the words or courage to do so. Then sometimes I think you got it without me having to explain. I was telling the truth when I told you that the best night of my life was spent just holding you. I have never been closer to anyone as I was to you in that abandoned house.

My whole existence I've been shaped by my emotions. As the Slayer you've been taught that demons can't feel, can't love. I understand that, but it doesn't change the fact that love has changed me. It moulded me into the devoted son, the hopeless poet, the fledgling that worshipped his sire and eventually the monster that your Watchers' Diaries have written about. All for the love of a woman. And none of them have ever held a candle to you. I love you with all that I am, and I always will. Not even death can change that, yours or mine.

I've never cared much for the idea of redemption, but for you I wanted to be something more. Something better. I don't know how you could ever forgive me for what happened in your bathroom as I know I'll never forgive myself. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, and I still did. It haunts me now, night and day, so I can only imagine how it's affected you. Words can't express how truly sorry I am for doing that to you. You were right when you said there were no words. So that's why I left. I wanted to become the kind of man that you deserved. The kind of man that wouldn't do something as monstrous, as evil, as trying to rape the woman he loved. Somewhere along the line of getting my soul, being insane, tortured by the First and almost killed by the principal, I think I may have managed it. I'd like to think so.

I was sorry to hear about the girl. Cassie, I think you said her name was. She told me something before you both left. She said, 'She'll tell you. Someday, she'll tell you'. I'm still not sure what she meant, but I kept hoping for that someday so I could find out. With the battle looming though, I'm certain I'll never find out, and I dare not hope what I might have been told. I know what I'd like it to be, what I yearn for, but I could never expect that after everything I've done.

So now I leave you with this. A letter saying all the things I wish I had the guts to say before and a duffle full of any worldly possessions I own. I know it's not much, and that you deserve more. You and the rest of the Scooby Gang, as annoying as the lot of you are. I don't know when it happened, but I came to care about all of you, even that git Harris. But don't tell him that.

Through all this though, I can't bring myself to apologise for leaving you again. If I died, it means I did my job, and I hope that everyone else got out. I am sorry that I'll never see you or Dawn again, but if it means you're safe and can finally live that normal life you've always wanted to, then it was worth it.

I have no right to demand anything of you, but there are just a few things I want you to do.

Tell Willow that she's really come a long way from the nerdy little witch I kidnapped years ago. I'm proud of her, and I hope that she gets everything she's ever wanted from life.

Tell Giles that as much as I didn't appreciate him and Wood attempting to kill me, I understand why and I respect him for it. He loves you very much, and it can't have been easy for him to make a decision like that. Or perhaps I'm just giving Rupert too much credit. Sorry Watcher.

Tell Xander that I'm sorry I wasn't quick enough to save him from Caleb. And that I'm impressed with how far he's come, as well as Red. He'd make a decent fighter, that one, once he got some proper training.

Tell Anya thank you. We've never really been close, but we talked once about getting revenge on Dru and Harris before going to a frat party, and it was almost fun. She's a bit of alright, that girl. She's always been easy to talk to and she has a sharp mind. She's funny, too. I hope she and Harris can work out their differences. A blind man could see how much she loves him and they deserve their happy ending.

Tell Andrew that as irritating as he was with that bloody camera of his, he wasn't too bad. When he was quiet, anyway.

Tell Faith that I'm sorry about hitting her, but not what I said. She has the potential to be an amazing Slayer, but she's too obsessed about living in your shadow. Trust me when I say I know what that's like. I've been compared to Angelus, then Angel, more times than I care to think about. She needs to be her own Slayer, and stop comparing. Then she'll find that she'll be able to unlock power inside her parallel to yours and create a shadow all her own. The same but different, as you should be.

Tell Angel that as much as I've come to hate him over the years, all I ever really wanted to do was make him proud. He may not directly be my Sire, but he was in every other way that counts. I did my best to live up to his reputation, and I can't help but think that he's just disappointed in me as a Childe. Still, I can hope. Also, could you ask him if he can contact Dru? I know he must have a way of doing it, and I want to thank her as well for everything she gave me, including putting me on the path that led me to you.

Finally, Dawn. I hated the fact that we grew so distant when I came back. I missed the closeness we had during that long summer almost two years ago now. I know, it was no one's fault but my own and I can't blame her, but it didn't stop me from missing her. She's like the little sister I never had, and I love her. And I wrecked everything. So I want you to tell her that I'm sorry, and even though she came to despise my nicknames for her, she'll always be my Nibblet. When I got back and saw how much she'd grown up I'd never felt... words fail me again. I am so proud of her, and I can't believe I missed her turning into the beautiful young woman she is now. I can only hope that one day the both of you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

It's cheesy, and I can't believe I'm writing this. I hate Bryan Adams. But everything I do, I do it for you. I love you so much. I guess I have a weakness for Summers women. You're mum was a great lady too.

I think that's it. I just want to say something that Dawnie told us a while ago. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. But you have to be brave, and live. For me, please, so I know I managed to do something right for once.

Guess what, pet? I finally saved the world. And I did it for you all.

I love you, Buffy, now and forever.

Yours always