A/N: I am currently working on my sequel to vs. The Leather Clad Goddess with a huge help from Gladius. He is whipping me into shape but hopefully I will have something soon.

After watching vs. Gobbler, I just got so pissed. It was a great episode but once again, Chuck bends over and gets it right smack in the rear. I mean how many times does this guy have to suffer because of Love. Well this story will be about his struggle.

I warn you, this will be very angsty (NEVER PLI AGNST THOUGH). I just really have to vent and this story will be my brief reprieve. Hopefully it will be done before the next episode (unfortunately no time to beta) as I am sure everything will be fixed. Until then, this is my therapy and I hope you enjoy it.

This takes place at the end of vs. Gobbler and I don't own Chuck.

A/N: And yes I know unless Chuck is the fastest typer in the world, the message is to long. I took some creative licensing on that one. Sorry.

Chapter 1 - What is Love

Chuck just stared as Alex poured her heart out to her dad. He heard her say that she loved him but of course Casey could not hear and would not respond. Chuck sat in the hospital room staring at his unconscious partner, his best friend in life Morgan, and the broken daughter that the love of his life had caused more pain to. All because of love.

It had been a little over three hours since he witnessed the extent of the "Love" Sarah had for him. As he finally came to on the cold floor of the Trident building, alone of course, left alone to his own fate, another thought had hit him. How were his mother and girlfriend so confident that the blow to his head couldn't have been worse, maybe even fatal? Were they doctors, were they such experts at killing that they were confident that the blow to his head would not be fatal, or cause severe damage? That's love for you though, willing to do anything to keep you safe. The bile in his mouth made him want to throw up.

His thoughts continued to reflect back as to what happened at the Trident building. He remembers after the dizziness had passed, he ran down to find his broken partner crumpled on the grassy area near the Trident building. Here lay a great hero, a man who served his country with honor, a man who gave up everything for the greater good, and there he lay alone and left to die. But there again, love. He knew Casey loved him even though the big oaf would never admit it. And he wasn't that naïve to realize that Casey and Sarah had planned this whole fight scene. So Casey was willing to sacrifice himself for love. It still shocked him seeing it happen, but he knew Sarah would never purposefully hurt Casey… or would she? What if Casey inadvertently threatened Chuck's life or hurt him somehow? Would Sarah's love for him drive her over the edge to kill her own partner? To that extent, was anyone safe when Sarah thought her boyfriend was not? Just ask the people of Thailand. Love…

That one word Chuck thought. That one word could cause so much happiness to so many people. It is what people lived for, the opportunity to love. The bile came back at what love had done to him.

He thought back to when his mom left them. She loved them so much that she was willing to give up her own life just to protect them. She was willing to sacrifice everything because she loved them.

Then his Dad, he loved them so much he was willing to leave them to keep them safe. Then when Chuck needed him the most, he loved him so much that he sacrificed himself first for that idiot Roark. Then once again he sacrificed himself to help Chuck get back at the Ring. All for love.

Then there was Jill. She loved him enough to keep away from him in college so that Fulcrum would not get him. Then when she came back into his life, she was willing to throw everything away because she loved him. Her life was ruined because she loved Chuck enough to help him find his dad.

And Bryce. That self righteous jerk loved him so much he gave up his friendship, his woman, his career, and then of course his life. All because he loved Chuck. Chuck remembered how Bryce was so willing to turn himself in as the Intersect just to keep Chuck and Ellie safe. Bryce knew what they would do to him but he didn't even think twice about it.

Then of course his biggest love of all, Sarah. Even from the beginning she would sacrifice everything for him. They had barely got to know each other and she was going to shoot another agent just for the chance to say goodbye. Then Prague, she was willing to give up everything she worked so hard for in her life just to run away with him. And of course recently when he was kidnapped by the Belgium. Oh no, there was never a doubt of how much Sarah loved him. There might have been some self doubt in the beginning, but after that incident, there would never be a doubt. And so here we are. My future wife is off trying to destroy the organization that had been haunting him and then to bring his mom back.

Sarah told him before she was taken away in chains that she was not coming back without his mom. Then after the gobbler was captured, the comment about it could take a while before the mission was complete. Chuck just shook his head, all for love. So the woman that loves him the most in the world and the one he loves the most, is willing to do "whatever it takes" to protect him and bring his mom back. He knows Sarah is a smart woman, but does she even realize how moronic all this is.

What good is that kind of love if there is no one to share it with? Does it even dawn on her what he is going through? Because of her love, he is now sitting in a hospital room praying that his friend lives. Because of her love, he has to lay alone in their bed, wondering if she is alone in hers. After all, "whatever it takes". "I did it to protect you." These lines of bull crap were just about all Chuck could take. The love of his life loved him so much that she would give up the chance to be with him. How is love even worth it?

From his parents to his girlfriend, are they really that stupid to tag their stupidity all in the name of love. The hurt that they have caused because of love, outweighs any hurt that could have come from them being there. Why can't these idiots figure this out? There were only two people in his life that knew how to truly love and what it means. Ellie and Morgan. Ellie could have just as well said "Well it would be better for Chuck if he was adopted or cared for by real parents. It would be best." But no, she never left him. She cared for him more then anyone in his life.

Chuck suddenly paused as a realization hit him. Is it possible for someone to love you so much but not care about you? Sarah loves him, and she has protected him, but does she really care about him. She could say she is doing this because she cares but the irony in that is ridiculous. If she cared about him, then she would be with him. If his mom cared about him, then she would have stayed. No it was all a ruse. They loved but they didn't really care. They could convince themselves they cared, but caring is what Ellie did. It is what Morgan has done throughout their lives. He finally had enough. No more.

He looked at his phone as he realized what he had to do. He typed the message that he knew would never make it to Sarah. He was positive she was using some kind of stupid reasoning about distancing herself so she could do her job because she loved him. Would it even dawn on her the damage that was being done by her current actions? Would she even weigh the greater good over what she was doing to him now? No, probably not, after all the two women that had left him were now together. His mom was not exactly the one he wanted giving advice to Sarah. He began typing:


I love you but I can not go on like this. Be safe and hopefully one day you will find me and bring me back.

You are not going to like what I am about to do, but hey, I love you so it makes it all better right. Anything for love, know matter what it takes. My mom and you taught me that.

Sorry about the proposal. I guess it worked out for you that it did not happen.

I love you and hopefully in twenty years, or how ever long you will be undercover, we can finally meet up and say hi or something. But hey, that's love right. Thanks for loving so much to leave me all alone. Take care and see you in twenty years.

P.S. Say hi to my mom. It was great having parents that loved me so much. It helped me get through those lonely years.

Formerly Chuck Bartowski.

He initiated the link and sent the message.

Alex had just left the room with Morgan in tow. It was a good thing as he stood and walked over to Casey.

"Hey Partner. I can't tell you how much you have meant to me. You have taught me so much. But now I have to leave. I have to bring my inner Casey out. Do me a favor, when this is all over…" Chuck started to cry. This would be the last tears for a long time. "When this is all over, come back and save me okay? Love you big guy." Chuck bent down and kissed his forehead. His last humorous thought was what would happen if Casey woke up that exact minute.

Chuck turned to leave, this was it. There was no going back. He knew he needed to head to Castle first but unfortunately he had left his Buy More key card at home. He walked over to the closet and opened it to see if Casey's card was there. He was rummaging through his clothes when he found the card. He decided to be nice and hang Casey's clothes back up and that is when he noticed a strange device in Casey's shirt. "What is this?" Chuck thought as he looked at it closely. It was definitely electronic and looked almost like some kind of storage device. Well he was heading to castle anyway, he had to pick up some gear, get his dad's computer and initiate the newest upgrade, and then make the dreaded call to Beckman. Might as well take this and see what I can find.

Chuck headed out the door, pausing just a bit as he turned to Casey one last time. All for love he thought as he stared at the crumpled form of his partner. Not anymore, and then he was gone.

{* * *}

Sarah was on the plane, she was really freaking out right now. She could not get the look of pain and hurt in Chuck's eyes out of her head. She knew he would figure it out soon enough but that didn't help how she was feeling now. She thought it would be so easy to go back to her old self. She thought she could do this but it was too much. Chuck was like a virus and he had completely infected her. He had destroyed every shred of her former self. All that was left was the real girl, the real her. But she had to do this somehow.

Distance. That is what Chuck's mom had said. She was so grateful that Mary and she had gotten really close lately. She knew the future would be so much better if her relationship with her future Mother in law could be strong. She still could not get her mind off of Chuck. The hurt when she told him the mission could last a lot longer, the hurt in his eyes when he witnessed what she did to Casey. If she did not pull it together soon, Volkhoff would see right through her and then everything would be for nothing.

She so badly wanted to get this over with so that she could get back home and be Chuck's wife. She even thought long and hard about something else that four months ago would have scared her to death. The past couple weeks had caused her to do a lot of thinking. She had been alone so much that her mind would only concentrate on Chuck and their future.

She smiled slightly; making sure Volkhoff was not around. She remembered awhile ago, lying in bed when Chuck had mentioned about them being next. She remembered how upset she was and how Heather Chandler had just made it even more apparent. Chuck of course was such a sweetheart, saying he was barely on solid foods himself. But after Thailand, after almost loosing him, she couldn't help but think of starting a family with him. She instinctively reached towards her stomach. Someday, she wanted to feel the life that Chuck and she would create. Before it was just never an option, now, it was all she thought about. Giving Chuck a real family. That was why she was doing this now. She had to destroy the organization that could eventually take so much from them. Once their future was cleared, then they could start their family.

Pull it together Sarah, now is not the time to be thinking about a family. She had a job to do. But now her goal was so much clearer. It would give her the resolve to know what it is worth fighting for. Her thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of her secure satellite phone.

She so badly wanted to talk to Chuck, tell him all about the family she wants to raise with him. Tell him that as soon as this is over, they are heading to Vegas and getting married no matter what. Sure they could have a nice reception later and invite all their friends, maybe even redo their vows, but she would not wait a minute longer when she was free to marry the man who meant everything to her. She sighed as she knew that would have to wait. First she had to bring down this organization and do it as quick as humanly possible. She could not be away from Chuck that much longer. Distance would help the here and now, but screw it if this was going to take much longer. She would just have Casey bring in a nuke and blow Volkhoff to hell. Forget about the network. If it went on longer, that is what she would do, but for now, there was still a chance. And for now, she would have to have distance. So she refused the call. It was the hardest thing she had done and she wanted to breakdown right there. She stared out the window, trying everything not to loose it. Then a vivid image of a tiny brown hair little boy with sapphire eyes popped into her head. Chuck Jr. she thought, and then the tears were held off.

Not much longer my love, not much longer.

{* * *}

Chuck was back at Castle and already had the electronic device he found on Casey hooked up to his dad's laptop. He initiated some analysis software and before he knew it, the contents of the device was plastered across his screen. Chuck was floored. It was out of pure instinct that he happened to use the Intersect software to back up the information. It was a good thing because once the contents was analyzed, the device short circuited.

"Hydra" Chuck said out loud. This was it; this was how he would do it. Chuck continued to program the Intersect Upgrade. He had already hacked into the Castle servers to get all the current information from all Government agencies. He had also added some extra programming. He never thought he would ever use the memory software, but for what lay ahead, it was time to initiate human testing. With the upgrade, the marker would be set.

Once the Hydra information was linked up with the Intersect software and once the memory software was embedded, it was time for the upgrade. Chuck made sure to put some pillows behind him and then he hit the upload button.

. . .

When he finally came to, other then a really bad headache, he knew that the upgrade had worked. He actually felt so much better. He then went to the medical facility and used the Intersect to unlock the code for the hidden drug cabinet. He found what he was looking for, Ardenal. There were a few bottles left and he grabbed them all. Those would definitely be needed. Emotion and feeling could no longer interfere with what he had to do.

He then went to his private office and once again unlocked a hidden safe. There was his dad's wrist computer with some recent enhancements of his own. Now there was only one thing left, weapons.

He went to the armory and loaded up on the tranc guns and enough twilight darts to put the world to sleep. Then he grabbed the hand gun with the silencer. It felt weird in his hands but what he had to do, he knew he better get used to the feeling of a real gun in his hands.

Now it was time to conference in with Beckman.

{* * *}

"Chuck, are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes ma'am, this is the only way."

Beckman hesitated as this would be the biggest decision of her career. The balance of life rested in this decision but if Chuck thought it was the only way, then no matter how ridiculous it was, she would agree. She had put on quite the hard ass act since Chuck had become an agent, but after the success with the Ring take down, the President had made it very clear that whatever Chuck needed, he was given. She had gained so much respect for Chuck after the Ring incident that she could not deny him now.

"Very well Chuck. Make it happen."

"General Beckman, one more thing. Chuck Bartowski is no more. That pathetic weakling died in the jungles of Thailand. Agent Carmichael is no more, he was too much of a failure. From now on, it is Agent Black."

"If that is your wish? But I have to ask Chuc… Agent Black. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"It's what I have to do. See you in a year General." Then Chuck was gone, heading to the one place he never thought he would go.

{* * *}

Chuck knew he could not do this on his own. He knew he could not ask Morgan to help because where he was going; there was no way he wanted his friends or family to come along. He only requested two people. One would be technical lead, someone who would not mind getting their hands dirty but someone who was an expert on computers. Beckman was hesitant at first, but finally listened to reason.

Lazlo was to meet up with him after he picked up the third member of their team. Chuck paused as he stood outside the secured room. Chuck knew that he was heading into the depths of hell and he needed someone that knew the way. He needed someone that would not be held back by emotions or caring for others. He needed a tour guide through hell and their was only one man who could do that.

Chuck nodded to the guard and the guard unlocked the door. Chuck slowly walked in as he saw the figure sitting on the side of his bed, head down, his long black strangely hair blocking any sign of his face. Chuck knew this was it, this was the turning point. Once this was done it was over and there was no going back.

He momentarily paused, thinking about all those that he loved, especially Sarah. He briefly contemplated just going back home, forgetting the whole thing, and just eating cheese balls, watching the View, and wallowing in his misery. But that was the old Chuck and Chuck Bartowski was no more. Agent Black was all that was left and he had a job to do. This was it. This was the final straw, no going back now as he slowly walked into the room.

He saw the man on the bed tense as he entered. Okay, here goes nothing he thought. "Been a while hasn't it?"

No response but he could see the chained hands clenching and unclenching.

"I have a job for you. I think it is something you might like."

The man turned his head slowly to look at him. The long scraggily hair still obstructing a majority of his face, but Chuck saw the eyes. He knew the look in those eyes would be his pretty soon.

"Chuck" was all the man said through his scratchy voice. The venom in the voice was evident.

"Nice to see you too Shaw."

A/N: This is not the end. This will be a multi chapter story.