Anime: Samurai 7
Rating: T
Warnings: Pretty damn sure Kyuzo OOC here. But then again I truly believe Kyuzo would get like this if he ever talked normally.
Pairings: None.
Disclaimer: Me no own this
Notes: First Samurai 7 fanfic. Boredom. EPIC Kyuzo OOCness. Him talking normally is OOC as it is. I have not watched ALL of Samurai 7 anime (A store closing near my house had volume 4 of the Saumrai 7 DVD for $2 so I thought why the hell not, it's anime), so excuse me if I get something wrong in the story here... I did the best research I can to get all the facts straight.


Another day had gone by in preparation of the Nobuseri. The whole village tried to help out, and were fairly productive at it. However, everyone knew it was all up to the 7 samurai once the Nobuseri arrived.

"Okay, good. You two can be guard posts here in the west wing. Were counting on you guys." Said Kanbei to the two ordinary village men. As ordinary as they were, they were excited and proud to be guard posts in the soon-to-be-legendary war. Kanbei sensed their determined aura and smiled. The sound of someone skidding down dirt redirected their attention to Kyuzo, sliding down the rock just behind them. He approached Kanbei and gave him his usual stare.

"So, they're approaching huh?" Kanbei said, reading Kyuzo's facial expressions. Kyuzo's, very limited facial expressions, may I add. He gave the very slightest nod.

"And there's more of them than we thought. Interesting..." Read Kanbei again. Kyuzo turned to look at the now appointed guard posts.

"You don't think the village men should be doing this job? Oh come now, Kyuzo." Said Kanbei.

"He's thinking that?" Said one of the guard posts in shock.

"I-I assure you, we'll be the best damn guard posts on this side of Kanna village!" Added the other.

Kanbei read Kyuzo's facial expression again. "Now, don't say that, Kyuzo. These men are determined. Sometimes determination is all a man needs."

Kyozu gave the two guard posts one last stare before turning his back and leaving.

"My God, he's Lassie!" Commented one guard post, "Except he's not a dog and he doesn't bark..."

"And you're the person he goes running up to when there's trouble abrewin'!" Added the other. "You can read a man's facial expressions! How awesome!" The guard post continued. "But I really would have liked to hear what he had to say. He's such a skilled samurai, it was an honor to be within 3 feet of him, I guess he knows were way too under qualified to here him merely utter a word..."

"...I've heard he does not talk much. Or at all from my 2 minute experience." The other added.

"That's our Kyuzo." Said Kanbei. "The strong, silent type."

"Literally."


Kyuzo was watching off into the horizon where the Nobuseri were expected to emerge from. He heard footsteps behind and immediately drew his sword and pointed it directly at whatever was near.

"I-It's me! Hayashida Heihachi!" Heihachi stuttered out, scared to death. Kyuzo did not put his sword down.

"One of the Samurai 7?"

Still not putting his sword down.

"Your ally?"

Nothing.

"Orange hair, goggles, a really fun loving guy if you ask me!"

"Leave." Said Kyuzo simply.

"A-Alright, planning your attack and battle plans here, and I interrupted you! Forgive me!" He apologized, backing away slowly, hands up in defense. He continued backing until he was behind the first tree, then turned his back to run.


"Man, that guy scares me sometimes!" Ranted Heihachi to Kanbei when he got back for some rice balls.

"Who?"

"Kyuzo! I accidentally walked in on him as he was looking off into the horizon then he went all "IMA KEEL JOO" on me with his sword a freaking grain of rice away from my face! I respect as him but that guy needs to—"

"Now now, Heihachi. I know Kyuzo can be a bit..."

"Cold. Cruel. Heartless. Mean. Homicidal."

"He's only doing it for the sake of the village, and us."

"Oh yea? I heard he doesn't even like what the guard posts are doing."

"Honestly, is there anyone our silent Kyuzo would actually say that too? He's not one to open up about his thoughts in a non-sword related way."

"That's true. But everyone agrees. That guy needs to take some Prozac or something, cuz he'd be a much better person to even slightly understand or get along with if he just talked, but those are just our wishes. Don't you wish that?"

"Well, I have to agree, he'd be a bit easier to understand if he spoke." Agreed Kanbei.

"That's all I'm sayin."

As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for...


Morning came peacefully, to the surprise of everyone. The Nobuseri were expected to arrive sometime last night, but there was nothing. People were a bit confused, but at the same time relieved. Kanbei decided to pay a visit to the guard posts he visited the night before.

"How'd the night go?" He asked.

"Obviously violence free!" Said one guard posts nervously.

"Yea, didn't one of the 7 Samurai say they were coming yesterday..."

"Jeez, I said they were approaching, I never said anything about their date of arrival last night!" Said a voice not heard too often. The guard posts' jaws were dropped, and so was Kanbei's.

"K...Kyuzo-sa-"

"Shut it." Interrupted Kyuzo. He turned his divided attention to Kanbei. "So, I see your still going to let these villagers become useless guard posts, huh. They'll all die in vain, embarrassment, and shame."

Too surprised by Kyuzo's sudden interest in talking like a normal human being, he ignored the disrespectfulness he gave towards the village men. He was, in fact, he was too shocked to respond. This is the most Kanbei has heard Kyuzo talk in one conversation. Wait... this is the first time Kyuzo has initiated a conversation.

"Well? Answer me, old man." He said, on the irritated side.

It took Kanbei a couple seconds to process what was going on, then finally replied with a "What?"

"Is your age catching up with you, geezer? I said if you're still going to let these guys be guard posts."

"O-Of course!"

"Waste of time. Why don't you guys go home to your wife and children, you'll just die out here." Said Kyuzo coldly.

"W-We have a duty!" Answered the brave guard post.

"Duty, shmoody." Replied Kyuzo, "Die out here if you want, guard posting is a useless job. If you need me geezer, I'll be at that water priestess girl's house, whatsername. I'll be using thier private onsen. They sure are generous towards the 7 Samurai eh? Well then, try not to need me." And with that, the blond samurai left.


"He said WHAT now?" Said Katsushiro, in awe at Kanbei's morning experience with Kyuzo.

"I don't know what went over him today... Kyuzo's not usually like this at all..." Said Kanbei, trying to understand what happened this morning.

"Kyuzo's not usually like what?"

Katsushiro and Kanbei turned to Kyuzo, who was coming in through the front door.

"Nothing, Kyuzo-sama..." Said Katsushiro, looking down at the floor. Kyuzo sighed.

"That onsen was nice. I needed that."

There was silence among the three as Kirara entered the room.

"O-Oh! I didn't know the three of you were coming, I would have made more preparations..." Apologized Kirara, bowing.

"It's quite alright." Said Kanbei.

"No it's not." Corrected Kyuzo. "Shame on you, for not having three rice balls ready at the table."

"I-I'm soo sorry, I'll go get yours right away."

"Good."

Katsushiro and Kanbei stared at him in shock. Katsushiro was in more shock, for this was his first time actually hearing Kyuzo utter a sentence, never mind the fact he ordered Kirara around like some servant.

"What? I'm hungry." Was all Kyuzo said.


Later, Kyuzo sensed the Nobuseri were less than a couple kilometers away. Of course he announced it to the whole village.

"Listen up, people! Man your stations, the Nobuseri are less than a couple kilometers away, I want you to be at your station, and STAY at your freakin' station, got that peasants?"

The whole village was bustling with people getting into their positions.

Katsushiro decided to offer a bit of advice to Kyuzo. "It's rude to call them peasants, Kyuzo-sa—"

"I just said STAY AT YOUR FREAKIN' STATION!" Shouted Kyuzo, even though Katsushiro was right next to him. He believed he felt his ear bleed a little.

"This is my station... I'm supposed to stay here, with you and the rest of the samurai..." He explained.

"Good, stay here then! Dammit, where's that priestess girl with my tea?" Complained Kyuzo.

"Y-You ordered her to get you t-tea—"

"So sorry for the delay, Kyuzo-sama, here's your tea." Kirara said, running into the scene, handing it to him. Kyuzo grabbed the tea and gave it an unsatisfying look.

"Where's my bagel." He said.

"B-Bagel?" Stuttered out Kirara, "Forgive me, Kyuzo-sama, I'll come back with your bagel right away..."

"Hurry up, priest-girl!" He called out. Katsushiro couldn't believe the amount of disrespect Kyuzo was giving to Kirara.

"What the hell, Kyuzo-sama?" Said Katsushiro, "How could you?"

"Make that two bagels!" Called out Kyuzo.

"That's not what I meant!"

"What is it, then?"

Katsushiro could not reply, for the Nobuseri have arrived. The crossbow men fired at Kanbei's orders.

Heihachi executed the catapult flawlessly, making the town cheer. All that other good stuff.

They were gone, at least for now. But Kyuzo had to get down where they had fallen himself.

"I'll be back~" Was all he said before jumping down into the bottomless pit. And it didn't take too long for him to return either.

"I'm back." He said, jumping up onto the ground with something that looked like an oversized gun. "Told ya I'd be back. Do I ever lie to you guys? I think not." He said, smirking. "Here ya go." He said, throwing it to Katsushiro, who could barely even hold it. Kanbei swiftly took it off his hands.

"Wasn't hard. Then again, is anything hard for me? Well, nothing except trying to get a damn BAGEL around here!" He shouted. Cue Kirara, running into the scene, holding two bagels.

"Took you 2 hours to get two bagels?" Said Kyuzo.

"Y-You and the samurai were fighting the bandits, I couldn't just intrude..."

"Excuses, excuses, here's your bagel." Said Kyuzo, shoving a bagel into Katsushiro's hands. Katsushiro sighed and decided not to fight against it. He bit into it.

"Sho, I sknow cher shoming jamarrow. Jo sheres mwy pwan." Said Kyuzo, mouth full of bagel. He continued to talk with his mouth full of food. Nobody understood a thing.


"I want the old Kyuzo back!" Whined Katsushiro to Kanbei. "This one's bossy, demanding, and rude!"

"Well, maybe that's just how he naturally is when he actually talks to people." Assumed Heihachi. "But hey, he gave me a bagel! He's cool in my book." He said, biting into his bagel.

"I thought you were all about rice." Said Katsushiro.

"Rish bash kish dash, dish mah food nowsh!" Said Heihachi, mouth full of bagel.

"Something has to be done."

"You said it." Agreed Gorobei. "He's ticking me off a bit. That bossy attitude of his. You know he tried to talk me into accepting a bagel from him?"

"I took it." Said Katsushiro.

"Me too." Said Heihachi.

Seriously, what is it with this guy and bagels?


Kanbei was sitting alone at his home. He was thinking. Why was Kyuzo acting this way? This was not how he originally was. And frankly, everyone liked him better when he was mute.


"I'm not so sure about that Kyuzo guy anymore!" Complained a villager, "He's pretty mean!"

"Hey don't say that, he gave me a bagel!" Said another.

"He orders me around too much!"

"Who does he think he is, one of the 7 Samurai?"

"He is."

"Oh."

Kanbei tried to settle the angry mob down. "Now now, Kyuzo means well..."

"We liked him better when he was silent! At least he did what he had to do without having to order everyone around like dogs!"Said a villager.

"Strong silent types are better then strong, loudmouthed types!" Said another.

"All he talks about is bagels!"

It was difficult to calm down an angry mob when they were already angry.

"We liked him better mute!" Said one villager, raising his pitchfork.

"Yea! Let's make him mute again!" Said another raising his.

"Yea! Mute! Let's rape him!"

It was getting a bit out of hand.

"Nobody's raping anyone!" Roared Kanbei. The mob quieted down. "We just have to accept him the way he is now. Maybe he didn't like being so silent. Maybe he just had things to say but was too timid to say it. Do you know how sad you would be if you couldn't find a way to say what you thought? That's probably how he felt."

The mob began intensely listening to Kanbei.

"He's changed a bit, for the better. Let's listen to what he has to say. He'll calm down eventually, I promise."

The mob put down their weapons and agreed. Kyuzo deserves a chance. Kanbei sighed with relief and headed back home. He was unusually very tired.

Must be my age catching up with me.

Before he knew it, Kanbei was fast asleep.


It was morning when Kanbei woke up. He heard someone opening some cabinets. He raised his head to see Kyuzo, looking for some tea packets. And probably bagels.

"Hey..." Mumbled a still sleepy Kanbei, "Get me a bagel too."

Kyuzo turned to him, giving him a very quizzical look.

"Fine, you don't have to get me one, I'll get one myself." He said, struggling to get up. What's with him today? Too cool to talk to me?

"You know, I had to disband an angry mob after you. The things I do..." Kanbei said.

Kyuzo said nothing, except gave him another confused look. Once he got his tea done, he left.

Kanbei decided to pay one last visit to the hard working guard posts before the bandits arrive yet again.

"So, pretty crazy yesterday, huh?" Said Kanbei to the guard posts. The two guard posts looked very confused.

"What are you talking about, Kanbei-sama? Nothing happened yesterday. They have not arrived yet." Explained one of the guard posts. Now it was Kanbei's turn to look confused.

"What? Of course they came, we defeated many of them, the whole town was cheering!" Am I going crazy?

"Kanbei-sama, are you feeling alright?" Said one of the guard posts.

"The Nobuseri are not here yet, sir." Assured the other.

Kanbei saw Kyuzo coming this way.

"Kyuzo! Talk some sense into these men, it seems they've forgotten the whole thing yesterday!" Said Kanbei. Kyuzo said nothing but give him a look, like he wanted to say, What the fuck are you talking about, old man?

It was official. Our Kanbei was going crazy. Kanbei had to talk to someone.

"Gorobei, tell me what happened yesterday." Asked Kanbei, to reassure himself.

"Uh, nothing, I guess. Just another day of preparations for the Nobuseri to finally arrive." He answered.

"Finally arrive? So they have not arrived yet? We didn't almost defeat them?"

"I hope we FULLY defeat them when they come, but yes, they have not arrived yet. They should be here soon though."

He decided to ask a couple more people, just to be absolutely sure.

"So, did you finish your bagel yesterday?" Asked Kanbei to Heihachi.

"Bagel? What's a bagel? I'm all about rice!" He said.

Just as he thought.

"Is Kyuzo still ordering Kirara around?" Asked Kanbei to Katsushiro.

"He's ordering Kirara around? He can't do that! That's disrespectful!" Answered Katsushiro.

"So no more bagels?"

"What's a bagel?"

It seems Kanbei's assumption was correct. Either Kyuzo finally talking like a normal human being was a dream, or he's been abducted by aliens. He was going with the first assumption.

Just to confirm, he payed Kyuzo a visit.

"Glad to have you back." He said to him. Kyuzo glared at him, and finally spoke.

"What the hell are you talking about. Are you drunk? You've been spouting nonsense ever since you've woken up."

This, however, was normal for Kyuzo to talk when something was going horribly wrong.

"Thanks Kyuzo." Said Kanbei, before turning his back to leave. I'm so glad it was all just a horrible nightmare...

Kyuzo said nothing, but returned to what he was doing.

And it was true. Kyuzo is, in fact, better off silent. May this be a lesson to all.


[[Yup. Bagels exist in Samurai 7.]]