Title- An Example To Ward Off Mary Sues
Characters/Pairings- Iris, Compassion
Rating- T for a teensy weensy bit of homicide
Summary- In which Compassion gets fed up, breaks the fourth wall, and decides to take matters into her own hands. Very cracky and not to be taken seriously.
A/N- Would have been posted as part of The TARDIS Scanner were it not for the fact that I like being able to use underused characters to make it look, if you filter by their name on the lists, like someone actually writes for someone other than Rose or Amy. This is basically short and to the point. (And yeah, I like Iris well enough, but frankly, we all know she's an Uber-Sue. And yes, I did poke harmless fun at a stereotypical Whovian here, but let's be honest, I probably fit the description better than any of you.)
The No. 22 double-decker bus careened through the Dalek-filled skies above Gallifrey. The woman who was piloting the oddly-shaped TARDIS thanked her lucky stars that the regeneration sanction had been lifted, saving her just in the nick of time from a final death. Her latest regeneration, with shocking silver eyes and long, perfectly-styled jet black hair, was one of her particular favorites, and it would have been a shame to miss out on this one!
At that exact moment, a woman materialized in the middle of her TARDIS and immobilized it quickly. "Alright," the woman said in a voice that dripped of antipathy. "Iris Wildthyme, I have had absolutely enough!"
"What?" Iris said innocently, batting her eyes. It had gotten her out of trouble before, after all. "What do you want, Compassion?"
"I am hereby arresting you on the charge of being a Mary Sue," Compassion said.
Iris' argent eyes widened dramatically. "What? How can that be possible?"
Compassion, crossed her arms, cocked her hip, rolled her eyes to the ceiling and let out a put-upon sigh. "Well, if you really want to know... When you met the Doctor, he called you an "old friend." Classic symptom of a Mary Sue- the character in question has a long and possibly romantically-involved backstory with the main hero. You survived a cataclysm that destroyed Gallifrey in an alternate timeline, which shouldn't have been possible. Your life story bears a remarkable resemblance to the Doctor's, and you even worked as UNIT's scientific advisor! You adore getting yourself in as much trouble as possible, and yet never seem to suffer any serious consequences. Moreover, you are probably as aware of your status as a fictional character as I am- and frankly, my dear, that pisses me off because it was the one thing that kept me amused while the Time Lords were trying to track me down and experiment on me- the knowledge that we were all just fiction and somewhere some teenager who's never had his cherry popped was sitting in his bedroom reading about it, and I was the only one who knew about it!" By the time she had finished her list, the volume of her voice had risen to a shout and she was clearly frustrated by the very idea.
Iris glanced around, then leaned in toward Compassion and stage-whispered, "Uh, Compassion? You might want to watch which pot you're calling black. I don't think breaking the fourth wall is acceptable among non-Sues."
Compassion let out a muffled scream of impatience.
Exactly 1.3 seconds later, the No. 22 to Putney Common had been hurled into the smaller of Gallifrey's twin suns, and a living TARDIS named Compassion was grinning in self-satisfaction. Just one more Mary Sue toasted as a warning to others... A very good day, all around.