A/N: I wrote this for round 1 of Harry Potter Last Author Standing. I was only able to do a few rounds before my schedule got too hectic and I had to drop it. So if you haven't seen it yet...here you go! I only changed one or two words. Hope you like it.
Pairings: James/ Lily (one-sided), slight Remus/ Sirius (if you squint)
Prompt: Queer Eye meets Hogwarts
On a cold January day, James Potter announced that Lily Evans was the most beautiful girl in the history of all beauties and that she would be his wife and they would have many intelligent, devilishly handsome, Quidditch playing children. Not surprisingly, his fellow Marauders took no real notice of James' announcement as he often forgot his grand life-altering proclamations, being that he was only fifteen.
So with the theory that any attention was good attention, James attempted to woo Lily Evans. Unfortunately, each attempt was more damaging than the last to his reputation and health, as Lily knew quite a few hexes.
Unable to stand the complete stupidity of his friend, Sirius eventually decided to intervene.
"I don't see what you're on about. I don't need help!" complained James as Peter dragged him into their dormitory where Sirius and Remus were already waiting.
"Lily hexed boils onto your forehead. They spelled out 'prat'. I think you need all the help you can get at this point." Remus mentioned. His hair was a little messy and he had ink stains on his fingers as he sat on his bed, working on notes for the O.W.L.s.
"Thank you Moony. Now, we have just meticulously gone through all your failed attempts at courting Evans and have listed what you're doing wrong."
"I'm not doing anything wrong."
"Then why haven't you got a date?" Peter asked but James silenced him with a glare.
"Because she's playing hard to get. I told you, I don't have any-"
"Prongs, now, I know that you're too bloody stubborn to admit failure but trust me on this."
"Since when have you ever seduced a bird?"
Sirius' gaze never faltered as he stared at James, armed crossed, daring him to further the argument.
"Have you seen the number of birds that gawk at him?" Peter interrupted the tense silence with a nervous laugh.
"See! I have birds falling over to get me. That makes me qualified! Now shut up and listen. Moony!" Sirius snapped his fingers, distracting Remus from his notes. The brown-haired boy shuffled his papers around until he found the desired parchment and cleared his throat.
"Now, we separated the things that you need to improve into categories. They are as so: grooming, fashion, lifestyle and personal living."
"That means you got to clean up your side of the room." Peter explained. James looked over to his unmade bed that had books, magazines, socks and candy wrappers tossed haphazardly around it. Soon, his eyes found Sirius' bed, which was in similar disarray.
"Wizards in glass houses shouldn't cast spells." James pointed out to which Sirius explained that he wasn't the one failing to attract a bird and if James ever wanted Lily's attention he shouldn't scare her away with the sentient life forms under his bed and would he please just shut up.
"Point one," Sirius announced, taking the parchment from Remus, "grooming! Now I will admit that the rat nest you call your hair is completely a lost cause." This got an angry shout from both James and Peter but Sirius continued.
"But I digress. Now, first and foremost, you need to bathe more. Preferably once a day but since you're allergic to water, every two days is fine. Especially after Quidditch practice though."
"I'd like to think that my manly musk attracts the ladies, thank you."
"You smell James, you need to bathe." Remus confirmed, causing James to frown.
"Exactly. Won't do you any good smelling like a muddy stag all the time."
"As opposed to a wet mutt?"
"I'll have you know I bathe at least once a day and use soap."
"Yeah, soap that smells like flowers that you get owled from France."
"Oi! It's not floral! It's Alpine Spring! And it smells manly. Moony! Don't you think I smell better than Prongs?" Sirius and James both looked over at Remus with similar expressions of expectation on their faces. The sudden turn of conversation caused Remus to sputter.
"See he doesn't think so." James said triumphantly.
"No, he's just tying to spare your feelings. If you used my soap just once, the birds will fight each other trying to shag you. Evans included."
"If I smell like that soap of yours, Lily will be asking for perfume advice 'cause she thinks I'm a poof!"
"Are you calling me a poof?"
"If the tight leather trousers you're so found of fit!"
Remus and Peter looked between their two friends hopelessly as the name-calling and accusations grew harsher and eventually led way to fists. Knowing that in about an hour, the two boys would be the best of friends once more, Remus and Peter left their two friends to handle their argument the Marauder way.
Despite James' insistence that he was the charmer of the wizarding world, Remus had started to notice subtle changes in the boy. His bed and the area around it became tidier (not clean, just cleaner) and he had started to smell more like the Hogwarts soap than the inside of his sweaty Quidditch gear. One morning, while walking to the dinning hall, Remus informed Sirius of his observations.
"I knew he would listen to me, being as I am the heartthrob of Hogwarts. No one can resist a fantastic smelling bloke. Right Moony?" Sirius smirked, causing Remus to blush slightly. As they neared the dining hall entrance, the shouting of Lily Evans turned their shared smiles into frowns.
Before Remus could make a comment about Sirius' failure to understand the female mind once again, James burst out with his face covered in barnacles.
"She called me James! Not Potter, not miscreant, but James!" sang James as he danced down the hall, towards the hospital wing with Peter following close behind. After the initial shock had past, Sirius looked at Remus with a smug expression.
"Told you it would work."