After the confrontation with the Volturi, most of our guests went home. Only Nahuel, his aunt, and Jacob remained in the spacious Cullen residence. I noticed Nahuel staring at the perfect living doll in my arms and figured that he realized she was the only other half-vampire in existence. I hoped this wasn't a set-up for a love triangle in a potential sequel to my story, because that would spoil my flawless happy ending.
Suddenly the doorbell rang, which was odd because the manse was in the butt-crack of nowhere. I quickly froze in panic as I nervously wondered if the Volturi had returned to kill my family and kidnap me.
"I'll get it!" yelled Emmet.
"No, don't!" I shouted anxiously. "It could be the Volturi!"
Edward put his hands, cold and strong as stone, on my bare shoulders. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, honey. If the Volturi came back, they wouldn't ring the doorbell."
I relaxed somewhat at Edward's rare moment of sense.
"Why don't we just ask Alice who it is?" Esme spoke up in her soft, angelic voice.
Emmet smacked his head. "Derp, that's a great idea, Mother. Hey Alice, who is at the door?"
Alice rubbed her porcelain temples and blinked theatrically. "My vision is clouded."
"In that case, it must be werewolves. Your psychic ability doesn't work on them, does it?"
Alice shrugged. "Hell, I don't understand how my powers work most of the time."
"Oh well, I'm answering the door before they think no one's home." Emmet strode fluidly to the front entrance with the grace of a leopard, and swiftly opened the door.
Standing on the front stoop was a woman in her twenties. She was blonde and tall with an athletic build, and overall she was quite pretty - not super-special-sexy-awesome like a vampire, naturally, but still lovely for a lesser being. She wore a Renaissance costume with a bronze breastplate over an iron chain-mail tunic, blue leggings and brown leather ankle boots.
"I'm Captain Angua of the LPD," she said without preamble. The woman had an English accent with a hint of German.
Emmet looked her up and down. "Er - sorry - what is the LPD?"
"Literary Police Department."
Edward let out a musical laugh. "A policewoman? Dressed like a knight? You must be joking."
Captain Angua angrily narrowed her eyes at my achingly handsome husband, and for the first time I spotted a policeman's club strapped to her waist.
"I assure you it's no joke." She reached inside her breastplate and pulled out a small golden shield. "Here is my badge."
Emmet peered at it with his peerless vampire vision, as did the rest of us. From across the room, I read the engraving: "Literary Police Department: Captain."
"It looks official," remarked Emmet. "I think you're serious, but I still don't believe you. I've never heard of this LPD."
The woman rolled her eyes just the slightest bit. "Of course you wouldn't have. It's a force comprised of officers from different literary worlds to protect readers from stupid plot twists."
"Anyway," continued Angua, ignoring Emmet's confused grunt, "I'm looking for Jacob Black, and I have it on good authority that he's been staying at this residence."
"Jake? He's right over there." Emmet waved at Jacob, who was sitting in one of the leather recliners.
Captain Angua stepped inside, walking quickly over to Jacob. "You are Jacob Black?" she asked.
He nodded affirmatively. "Yes, ma'am, but-"
Jacob didn't get a chance to finish his sentence, because Captain Angua slapped him across the face, leaving a pink handprint.
"Ow!" he yelped. "Son of a…What was that for!"
"You have a lot to learn about your own people, Jacob. You should know that the only way to undo imprinting is for a female werewolf to strike the imprinter in the face."
"Wait…Undo imprinting…" muttered Jacob, clearly trying to process her statement, as I was.
"You're not my daddy!" Renesmee piped up, staring at Jacob with an "aha!" expression. She slipped off her promise bracelet with uncommon dexterity and flung it at him - it traveled three feet before falling to the floor.
Jacob blinked dazedly and shook his cranium, as if trying to shake off the affects of a drug. He gazed at my little angel for a moment. "I still feel admiration for you…Renesmee" he said haltingly, "but the strong bond is gone."
Renesmee blew a raspberry at him. I was shocked, shocked at mini-me's immature outburst.
"Renesmee, act your age," I chided reproachfully.
Rosalie snorted contemptuously. "And people think I'm the ditz. This is the first time Nessie has ever acted her age!"
If I were still a feeble, inferior human meatbag, I would have blushed. I won't deny that I felt like a fool.
"And another thing, Jacob. As a captain in the LPD, I am the highest-ranking werewolf in this jurisdiction, so you have to obey my command. I forbid you to imprint on anyone ever again."
"But…But I thought there were no female werewolves besides Leah," said Jacob, still bewildered.
"Well, you thought wrong."
Abruptly, Jacob's countenance changed to desire and longing. "Hey, are you single?"
Captain Angua smacked her forehead. "No, Jacob, I have a boyfriend. And you are sixteen. You have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy your youth and date different people your age. Or better yet, take a break from dating and spend time with your family."
Jacob bowed his head. "You're right. I've been an idiot." He glanced at my adorable daughter who had until now behaved better than the Christ Child himself, aside from the whole drinking human blood thing, and for the first time his face screwed up in distaste.
"What was I thinking, making a baby my soul mate? I'm not a pedo! I usually go for older girls!"
Edward frowned mildly. "Hey, you claimed you didn't love her that way. Of course, I knew you were lying, though, because I can read your mind."
"Then why did you let me babysit your daughter? What kind of father are you?"
"Don't put this back on me, furball."
While Jacob and Edward bickered, Captain Angua nodded with a satisfied smile.
"My work here is finished. If you will excuse me, I'm off to find Quil Ateara and Sam Uley." She turned and strode out of the mansion without a backward glance.
Jacob left our domicile about 30 minutes after Angua did. I didn't hear much from him outside of Facebook. I think he was ashamed about imprinting on my lovely infant child, and wanted to distance himself from our whole family.
Five years later, Jacob changed his relationship status to "engaged." He wrote to me that his fiancée is a lot like me except that she loves cars, motorcycles, the great outdoors, and socializing with friends, and now that I think of it, she doesn't sound much like me at all, or even much like a girl, unless she's merely faking interest in manly things the way I faked interest in anything my human groupies had to say. Anyway, Jacob wrote that he has never been happier, and I wish him well.
A/N: I confess that I haven't read any of the Twilight books in their entirety; I've only read excerpts, reviews, and analyses. So I'm sure at least some of the characters are OOC, although I suspect I have Bella down fairly well.
Captain Angua is from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. I have read several Discworld novels, but it's been about two years since I read the last one, so Angua's personality, speech pattern and physical description may not be accurate. She is written the way I remember her, and I turned to Wikipedia for help and tried to describe her in a way that readers unfamiliar with the character could understand.
I hope you enjoyed this therapeutic little crack fic.