Here we go once more…
Mahou Sensei Negima and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Ken Akamatsu, Batman and all related elements and characters belong to DC Comics, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence.
Now that we're over with that, let's go to the show.
Remember to review, Pretty Please!
Who am I, How I came to be:
Sometimes, Evangeline dreamed of a life before Joker-Papa.
It was not that much of a different life, in the sense it seemed to have been filled with as much blood and violence as her present was, so it rarely bothered her, except, for some odd reason, when they were fighting the Bat and his brat. Still, every once in a while, it felt simply wrong to be under the commands of a man, even one such as Papa, but that feeling always was fleeting, easily forgotten along with her memories of that tall man with the charming, roguish smile. The only thing she was barely aware of concerning that man was he had cursed her, and that was enough for her. Now the only kind of smile she had any use for was Papa's.
Her sisters all felt pretty much the same way to some degree or another, all thirty of them. To survive under Papa's watch, Harley-Mama had taught them, you had to learn to adapt. Each one had managed to cope in her own way. Even Chao; she still had those occasional spells about some mission she was supposed to remember, but it never lasted, and then she was the same again, happily running with the rest of the gang.
They were the Lost Girls, enjoying a seemingly endless explosive childhood, stolen away from gray, non descript, unremarkable lives to fly all over town, night after night. Naturally, they needed a Captain Hook.
Their opinions on Batman varied, from utter hate to banal contempt, from amused sadism to cold despise. But they all agreed Robin was cute.
Sometimes, Negi Springfield dreamed of the life he could have had under other circumstances. Sometimes, he stopped to ponder what would have his life been like if tragedy hadn't swayed him under Bruce Wayne's black wing. Would have he been any happier? Better balanced?
But then he swung after him into the cold Gotham night, and he remembered why did he do it. It was not because of the raw, teen thrill of chasing the Jokerettes around, or because of getting his revenge on a bleak world that had stolen his sister away, or because of the chances to enjoy (although he'd never admit it) Batgirl's flirty teasing after she was done with fighting the fifteenth Jokerette, her stalwart rival in the art of the sword. He did it because it was the right thing to do.
Life could have never been any other way, after all.
The (Un) Willing Joke:
"Commissione-eeeer..." the voice sweetly crooned into his right ear.
Gordon opened his eyes abruptly, waking up from his forced dreamless sleep.
Chained to a chair.
In a dark room.
Alone with a Jokerette standing right before him, leaning so close her lips almost touched his.
"Number Eight here, your date for tonite, Commish..." she breathily purred, making him to shiver. She was even younger than Barbara.
"The Joker... where is he..."
"God's in His Heaven, Dad's in his studio, everything's right with the world!" Number Eight sing-sang. "Relax, it's just the two of us all night long. Care for cookies? Sat-chan made them. And Daddy hasn't poisoned them. Yet. I think."
"What's his plan this time?"
"He won't get any ransom from the Major. He hates me, and any chances he has to see me out of office..."
The girl smiled and playfully patted Gordon's head. "Silly Commish. Dad isn't a vulgar kidnapper! You should know that by now!"
"Am I supposed to be bait for Batman, then? He'll never fall for your—"
She laughed, in a rather unnerving fashion. "Wrong again, dear Commissione-eeeeer!"
She pouted, looking at her painted fingernails. "My sisters just don't understand my likings. They all are, Robin this, Robin that. Eugh. Me, I prefer older men. Especially the rugged, tough, manly yet noble and gentle type..."
Gordon took his head back, gripped by a horrible new feeling. "Wait. You don't mean..."
The Jokerette with the mismatched eyes winked at him, seductively baring a shoulder down. "Today's my birthday, you'll see..."
"Oh, no. No, no, no, no..."
"And Daddy's always been so generous with his widdle sad adopted Asuna-chan..."
"I'm warning you, I'm not going to—!"
"Then don't worry, " she giggled and tackled him. "I'll do all the job!"
As the first terrified screams began to come from the inside, Ayaka began to sip on her tea, sitting around a table with Madoka, Misa and Sakurako. "Asuna always has had such bad tastes..."
"Not so much," Madoka interjected. "She still rejected Bullock, didn't she?"
"What did they do with him, anyway?" Sakurako asked.
"Daddy handed him over to Chachazero..." Misa calmly replied.
As if on cue, an even more blood curling scream came from down the hall.
"'Zero scares even me," Ayaka's fingers nervously danced over her cup.
"Hell, she scares even Dad," Madoka said. "Exactly why do you think he retreated into his studio?"
"I oppose," the Clown Prince angrily snarled, crossing his arms behind his back. "I adamantly oppose!"
"Why?" Fumika lamented almost tearfully.
"Yeah, why?-!" Fuuka protested with more energy.
"I made no objections when you started falling for the Boy Blunder," Joker furiously began to count with his fingers. "I consented when Asuna wanted Gordon as her birthday gift. Heck, I even tolerated Mana dating Deadshot! But in no way will I ever allow you two to date HIM of all people!"
He seethed, pointing an accusing finger at the man sitting at the other end of the room.
Two-Face just sat there, unmoved, absently playing with his silver coin. "Since when do you have protective feelings for anyone?"
"It's a matter of principles!" Joker fumed.
"Since when you have principles, either?" Two-Face insisted.
"Since you started dating little girls!" the clown shouted at him. "You don't even like them for their personalities! You like them only because they happen to be twins! And to annoy me!"
"And because they're good at the sack," Dent unflappantly replied.
Joker's face managed to get even paler than usual. Somehow.
He tilted his now huge eyes towards the pink haired girls. "You didn't!"
They simply giggled together, Fuuka with total lack of concern, Fumika a bit more apologetically.
Joker rubbed his temples, then called out towards the eavesdropping girls hiding behind the door. "Yue! The Brain Bleach!"
Yue dutifully walked in with a large bottle, took a fairly big gulp of it, then poured a glass for her father figure. Then she walked back, still without saying anything, or without her expression changing at all.
Joker drank avidly, and then sighed loudly. "I oppose even more now."
"But Puddin'..." Harley tried to plead.
"But nothing! No way! Not as long as I draw breath!" He pointed a finger at Dent again. "Gilda still hasn't granted you the divorce, has she?"
"That's a minor issue!" Fuuka yelled.
"No, you are the minor issue!" the Joker pointed out. "So forget it! As long as you live in this lair, I won't be hearing any of that!"
Fumika started to bawl, while Fuuka's face just went red with anger. "You... You... BAKA OYAJI!"
Joker blinked. Then he calmly walked to Nodoka's favorite bookshelf. He pulled a thick Japanese-English dictionary and opened it up. He flipped through it, stopped at a certain page, fished his ridiculously oversized reading glasses from a pocket, and carefully read through the selected entry. Only then, he gasped.
"I'm a dumb old guy with no idea of how to look after my children?-! Missy, I've killed people for one tenth of that! And that's when I feel nice" he hissed into an unflinching Fuuka's face.
She only stuck her tongue out to him.
His shoulders immediately dropped down. "Harley! He's turned her against ME!"
"Puddin', maybe you should listen at him..." Harley weakly insisted.
"I'm willing to compensate you, yes," Two-Face said. "I'll even give you half of my turf near the docks."
"Do you think I can be bought off?" Joker was indignated.
"I'll toss twelve of my best henchmen in, too," Dent added.
"Not! Interested!" Joker growled.
"And four million dollars. Two per head."
"No. On both accounts."
"And valuable blackmail info on famed stand up comedian Milton Flanagann..."
Joker stopped, dumbstruck. "You got dirt on Milton?"
Two-Face nodded. "The kind that can ruin several lives several times over."
The clown's eyes sparkled, hesitating between the coveted prize and keeping his pride. As always, his personal set of 'values' lost against his whims.
He rasped and closed his eyes, huffing a bit. "You're lucky I'm such a considerate, kind and loving father..."
"Oh, Papa...!" Fumika hugged his left leg, burying her face into one of his flanks. "You're so good...!"
Sakurako looked over at Setsuna. "I told you, no one killed no one else. Now pay up."
"Do you think it's safe to tell him I'm going out with Metallo-kun now?" Chachamaru hopefully asked.
Hakase thought it over. "Better give it another week."
All in the Family:
Some last frail vestiges of morality and samurai honor were still struggling in Setsuna's mind, making their presence felt even after years of twisted upbringing. Even as Konoka pushed her against the darkest corner of the broom closet, nibbling on her neck hungrily, her hands roaming all over the pale swordsgirl's body, eventually unclasping her bra and the restraining harness attached to it. Setsuna's wings unfolded all over the closet, almost making the bottles of Smile-X and the trick guns to topple down from their shelves.
"Please, Ojou-sama..." she weakly resisted, with a mortified, yet ecstatic choked voice. "W-We're sisters, after all..."
"Mmmm..." Konoka hotly purred dangerously close to her mouth. "Fuuka-chan and Fumika-chan are blood sisters, and yet they do it too..."
"Th-That's not the point..."
Konoka ignored her and began biting on her collarbone almost cruelly while pushing her own shirt down, eliciting desperate brief gasps from Setsuna. "Oh, oh, no, Ojou-sama, oh, that's not... Not..."
Then she froze in horror.
He had just stepped into the doorstep, with his sharp green eyes lazily half closed, in Tom & Jerry old pajamas still bearing old blood stains. He had a toothbrush in his mouth, and a half empty glass of water in a hand.
"F-F-Father!" Setsuna attempted to scramble away. "It's-It's not what it looks like! I mean, it's all my fault! Punish me as you see fit, but please spare Ojou-sama!"
The white faced man snorted. "Konoka. Stop doing that. Right now."
She reluctantly obeyed, with a long depressed moan. Setsuna instinctively cradled her in a protective hug against herself as Father grumbled and looked into the closet's mess, rummaging for what no doubt would be a horrible weapon to inflict death or permanent injuries into them...
"Ah," he blandly said. "Here it is..."
Much to Setsuna's panic, he pulled out... a video camera.
Still sleepily, he set it up before the embracing half naked girls, turned the recording on, and calmly looked over to Konoka. "I trust the bees and birds crapola to you, okay?"
"Okay!" the pretty princess smiled brightly. He smirked just a little before walking away, stopping only to give her a fond soft pat in the butt.
"That's my girl."
Setsuna's face twitched, as her eyes wandered over to the working camera, then back to Konoka, shuddering at the sudden wide grin now on her cute face.
It was one of Father's grins.
"Now where we were, Setchan...?"
Setsuna decided just to stop fighting.
For a Good Cause:
"Your old man would get angry as hell if he knew we're doing this," Selina Kyle dryly warned as she easily jumped over the old, dilapidated fence. Chachamaru flew over it instead, softly landing on her feet a few steps away from the black leather clad cat burglar.
Catwoman humphed, walking further ahead and into the old, dusty abandoned building. The robot girl silently walked behind her, her humble and measured steps contrasting with Kyle's naturally sensual and voluptuous marching.
"I don't know how you can stand him," the human bitterly commented.
"We're family," was all Chachamaru said.
"Family," Selina rolled her eyes at the nearly alien concept. "I have all the family I need right here."
The gynoid paused, remaining still and silent for a few seconds before timidly asking, "Including me...?"
"Don't push your luck, kid."
Selina sighed, pulling her mask off and crouching down. "For what it counts... I consider you a friend."
They both started to pull the cans of fish and cat food out as the kittens started coming out of everywhere, purring and rubbing against them. Chachamaru smiled, the kind of smile she never showed to anyone else.
Sometimes, just sometimes, it was good to have a home away from home.
Back at the old fair...
Makie took her eyes away from the TV showing 'Ultraviolent Manic Adventures of Murder Mouse and Victim Cat' just for a moment, to glance over at the wall clock. "Ahhhh... I wonder if Chachamaru and Selina-san are still petting their pussies..."
Yuuna chuckled from where she laid toying around with a handgun. "It's so cute, how she thinks we have no clue... Right, Dad?"
The Joker grumbled, burying his long pointy nose further into his newspaper. "Shaddap. Can't you see I'm checking the obituaries?"
An Evening with Auntie:
It was a dark and stormy night. Just as usual.
"Auntie...!" she whined, her small fists pounding on the heavy door. She sobbed, doubling down, falling on her knees into the muddy ground. "Auntie, I know you can hear me... You have green ears everywhere..."
The pink haired girl sniffled erratically, her clown makeup running down her face, washed away by the heavy rain. "Auntie Ivy... Please..."
Finally, there was a sound coming from inside the old greenhouse. The girl perked up with renewed hope, smiling as huge and misshapen vines pushed the door open, then retreated back allowing the barefooted, green skinned voluptuous redhead wearing nothing but a skimpy nightie to step out to meet the teenager.
"What do you want, Makie?"
"Auntie!" she tackled her midsection in a strong hug. "I'm so glad to see you! I had nowhere else to go! The Bat came, an' he took Mom and Dad back to the loony bin, an' the girls are at the correctional, an' I was lucky to escape, an'... an'...!"
"Let me go!" Poison Ivy angrily pushed her back. "Wait, all you sisters were caught? Even Evangeline?"
"Eva-chan? Oh no, you know Eva-chan. She's never caught. Never. But-But she flew away with Chachamaru, an' I don't even know where is she now... I tried looking into all the old hideouts, but the cops are everywhere, and Uncle Ozzie kicked me outta his club, and I'm so scared, I didn't know what to do... I know you don't like having company, but...!"
Ivy sighed again, turning around and leading the soaked girl inside. "Alright. Come in before you attract every cop and vigilante at town here. We'll think of something tomorrow."
"Thanks, Auntie!" Makie breathed out very deeply as she followed, the vines closing the door behind them. They marched down a long corridor covered by all sorts of exotic plants to the point it was pretty much an indoors tropical rainforest.
Suddenly, Makie stopped next to three gigantic dormant Venus flytraps. There was a soft gurgling sound coming from inside them. "Auntie?"
"Are these man-eating plants?"
Pamela Isley stopped abruptly. "What?"
"Mom told me you had several of these..." Makie made a fascinated childlike face as she put an ear over a bulbous stalk, hearing the soft, mushy sounds of digestion coming from its inside. "Ohhh, it's eating, isn't it? It sounds like a pregnant woman..."
"Like a what?" Ivy asked.
Makie giggled apologetically. "Sorry, I should've been clearer. When I wanted to know from where do babies come, Dad kidnapped a pregnant woman for me. He made me listen to the baby, and it made cute sounds like these. Then he brought a knife..."
The following few sentences managed to rattle even a woman who routinely fed random victims to murderous plants.
"... and that's why Ayaka said she'll never have children, " Makie finished.
"I... I see..." Isley bit her lower lip, then began to flip through an old notebook.
"Auntie, what are you doing?" she innocently asked.
"I'm looking for phone numbers of people who owes me favors. I'm going to arrange a jail break for your Mom and Dad."
Makie's eyes shone with unending happiness. "Oh, Auntie! Thank you so much!"
"It's nothing. Really," she said as she ran for the phone.
The sooner that kid was back at her home, the better.