Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, just the idea. And of course Professor Laverne
Warnings: A dash of slash (male/male) content.
How to Raise Hell in Potions Class: A Treatise
It was just sitting there on the desk when the new Potions Master of Hogwarts, Anethelia Laverne, entered the classroom. She circled it once, twice, then pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and picked it up.
This treatise has been written over the course of several years, annotated by hundreds of Potions Masters. This recent edition has been compiled and edited by Severus Snape.
Well, this was… odd. But Anethelia had to admit that she was curious. For one thing, the title seemed like it was some prank played by a student. But it had said that this "edition" was compiled by the infamous Severus Snape. Surely, no one would dare use that name in vain. She sighed. Well, even if it was a prank, it couldn't hurt. She pushed her glasses up again and continued reading.
The two main ingredients, if you will, required to raise hell in your classroom are a Potter/Weasley and a Malfoy. Look at the list of the names of your students. Learn their first names as well. You will get to know them very well. Next, look over your classroom. Find the two students who are glaring at each other (most intently, if there is more than one pair). Those two are your Potter (we shall use Potters for this lesson) and your Malfoy. The Malfoy will probably have blond hair and pale skin and gray eyes, while the Potter will have black messy hair and glasses.
Anethelia raised her eyebrows. The Potter? The Malfoy? Or their ancestors? It had said in the beginning that Snape compiled this document, but that it had been originally written and annotated sometime in the distant past. It could easily be the two men she was thinking of, or some other two several years ago. She guessed she'd have to read on to find out.
Either your first or your second lesson should involve an activity that requires your students to partner up. Act as you normally would—namely, pair up students who obviously want nothing to do with each other—
Yes, Anethelia could see that Severus Snape had written this.
—but whatever misery you inflict on the others, be absolutely sure to pair up the Potter and the Malfoy. They will protest vehemently with such things as "We don't work well together," or "We have a… history," but you will ignore these entreaties and, if they continue long enough to annoy you, threaten detention. After you have implemented this first stage, sit back and watch the fun, perhaps getting up to patrol and assign a few detentions.
Here is a basic synopsis of what will inevitably happen during this crucial final part to the first stage: the Potter and the Malfoy will fight; you will deduct House Points. The Potter and the Malfoy will grumble in silence for a while, until one of them angers the other significantly, at which point they will fight; you will deduct House Points. They will work in silence for a slightly longer period of time. Then they will fight; you will deduct House Points, and threaten that if they do so again, they will be washing cauldrons on Thursday, when you are making a particularly nasty brew (ideally, insert a notoriously noisome/sticky/disgusting potion here). Finally, one of them will get so angry that they ruin the Potion beyond repair; you will assign them the promised Thursday detention.
Congratulations; you have completed the first stage.
Anethelia blinked. This was actually being treated seriously, which was probably what made it so hilarious. Of course, she wasn't cruel enough to do anything like this, but it was still intriguing to read about.
It should be noted that the first few steps of the first stage might have to be repeated before the Potter and Malfoy have an argument worthy of a detention. This is not an issue; it will come about eventually. It is, I assure you, as inevitable as the sunrise.
The second stage, of course, begins on the date of detention. You must be sure to make good on your promise of the noisome/sticky/disgusting potion. The Potter and the Malfoy will arrive glaring at each other, perhaps trading barbs or in sullen silence. You are free to deduct House Points in the former situation. In the latter, just give them the assignment, and leave. I have tried to stay on during these detentions; it is extremely unadvisable.
Anethelia raised her eyebrows again. What was so unadvisable about watching over one's detainees? Although it seemed that these Potters and Malfoys were definitely not ordinary students. Certainly the current ones hadn't been. She noticed that (along with the author's [Snape's?] overuse of semicolons) the Potter-Malfoy pair was treated as a force of nature, albeit one that could be controlled with careful conditioning. She read on.
It should be noted that a detention such as this must be done right. The Potter and the Malfoy should be in a small, dull room, which should only be furnished with that which they require to complete the task you have set them (which does not necessarily have to be cleaning cauldrons, but should be something equally as bothersome and mindless). The Potter and the Malfoy should have to sit relatively close to one another.
Usually the two will fight some more during these detentions. There will be clear evidence of these fights, but unless you want to see more of these two than is generally considered healthy, ignore it—except if there is physical proof that serious damage has been done. This is unlikely, as both the Potter and the Malfoy (or at least one of them) will possess enough intelligence to remove the burn marks and arrange the furniture back into its original configuration.
Once the detention is over, go fetch the Potter and the Malfoy, return their wands if you have taken them away, and leave. If they fight after this, it is none of your concern. It should be noted that you will want to exit the vicinity rather quickly, else you be forced to discipline them again. These hallway fights will be extremely vicious and not something you would want to get in the way of.
Anethelia whistled. Could a fight between two students really be so bad? But then, she remembered the little she had seen of Potter/Malfoy duels during her school years. She wrinkled her nose, remembering. Yeah, they could get pretty nasty.
Congratulations; the end of your first detention marks the incipience of the second stage of the second stage. This stage involves several repetitions of the first stage and then the first part of the second stage. Once the following occurs, you will have segued into the third stage.
I have always enjoyed calling the third stage the Awkward Potion Stage. This stage should be carefully, carefully planned. It will begin when you teach the students how to make their first love potion.
There will be catcalls and hisses and oohs and aahs, and possibly groans if you have established a system of permanent partners (although if you are particularly sadistic, you may want to change it up in order to keep your Potter and Malfoy guessing). But you will be greatly cheered by the look of pure dread on the faces of your Potter and your Malfoy. They know what is coming.
Be sure to call them last anyway. Lull them into a false sense of security, although they will rarely fall for it entirely. When you do call them, they will know you well enough to know that their objections probably won't do much good. They may protest anyway, but usually quite halfheartedly.
You will notice that they will not fight as much or in some cases at all during this lesson. They will want very badly to get this over with
Here, I, Severus Snape, must interject. The previous few pages were almost entirely written by Erebus Jones, Potions Master from 1899-1913, plus intermittent notes from various Potions Masters of later times, including myself. The following paragraphs are entirely my own, and concern a specific Potter and Malfoy whose names will not be given, but can fairly easily be divined by those who knew them.
I will now recount the tale of my particular Awkward Potions Lesson.
In general, the first love potion lesson is hell to teach all on its own. Horny teenagers plus love potion is not usually a very good mixture. However, one must teach it, as it leads up to the learning of Amortentia (taught to "my" Potter and Malfoy by Horace Slughorn, thank heaven), which is often featured on the OWL and NEWT standardized tests. So I have, faithfully and terrifyingly, taught it for several years.
This particular Awkward Potions Lesson occurred in the middle of "my" Potter and Malfoy's fifth year. There were oohs and aahs as my predecessor Professor Jones described. Everything went as Erebus recounted it; I called Potter and Malfoy last, and they began to make their potion.
I was happily terrorizing the students when a fight broke out between Potter and Malfoy. The dialogue here reproduced is merely a general summation of their words:
(POTTER stands up, pointing his wand at MALFOY.)
POTTER: Malfoy! What the f- did you do to our potion?
MALFOY: I have no clue what you are referencing, Potter, as it was clearly you that did something.
POTTER: Oh, f- off! I know you ruined it on purpose. It smells exactly like that horrid cologne you wear!
MALFOY stands indignantly, pointing his wand at POTTER.
MALFOY: Bulls-, Potter, it smells like that horrid cologne you wear when you want to impress the Weaselette!
POTTER: You son of a—
(SNAPE, the hero of this picture, interjects.)
SNAPE: What is this, Potter, Malfoy?
POTTER and MALFOY: He f-ed up our potion!
SNAPE: Hnn. Detention for both of you this Saturday night. And twenty points from Slytherin and Gryffindor.
SNAPE (thinking): This is ludicrous. They would only smell each other if they were infatuated, which is clearly—(eyes POTTER and MALFOY, who are now arguing about whose fault it is that they've now got detention with each other)—oh f-. Lucius would not be happy about this… Oh, how revolting.
Anethelia stopped reading for a minute, processing what she had just read. She read it once more. Wait, but… Harry Potter and… Draco Malfoy? Now I'm interested. She smirked. "Can't believe Snape dashed out the swears," she murmured, continuing to read.
SNAPE (thinking): …I shall assign a two-foot essay on the properties of armadillo bile. I am most displeased.
So I was forced to spend a Saturday with two possibly enamored students. I sat far enough away from them that they probably thought I did not hear what they were saying. The dialogue here is again an approximation of what was actually said:
(POTTER and MALFOY are engaged in cutting up various difficult-to-prepare potions ingredients.)
POTTER: I can't f-ing believe you've done this to me again, Malfoy. I bet you get some kind of sick pleasure out of making me cut things up for Snape.
MALFOY: Potter has rather a potty-mouth, for a golden boy. And as it happens, Potter, I do. I enjoy seeing you in pain, even if it means I have to share that pain with you.
POTTER: F- you, Malfoy. And get a hobby.
MALFOY (smiles cheekily): I have one. I just told you.
(POTTER repeats his previous sentiments.)
MALFOY: You know, Potter, what with all the times you've suggested it, one might think you desired to perform the action yourself.
POTTER: You know, Malfoy, what with you saying things like that all the time, one might think you desired something similar.
MALFOY: "Things like that." Ever bloody eloquent, Potter. Your tongue lacks skill.
POTTER: Want to bet, Malfoy? Yours is too sharp to do any good.
(SNAPE makes a revolted face.)
MALFOY: Some people enjoy sharp, Potter.
POTTER: (snorts) Like who?
MALFOY: Your man Finch-Fletchley. I swear every other time I look at him, the little bugger's eyeing up my ass.
POTTER: The way you describe it, you're eyeing him up.
MALFOY: That bother you, Potter?
(POTTER rolls his eyes.)
(MALFOY elbows him.)
MALFOY: Answer the question, Potter.
POTTER: It's not worth answering. Astonishingly enough, your ego gets tiring.
Anethelia frowned. Where the hell is this going? She skipped ahead a few more pages of dialogue until something caught her eye:
MALFOY: I'll f-ing shut you up myself if I have to!
POTTER: And how would you do that, exactly? We don't have our wands! This is detention, remember?
(MALFOY grabs POTTER and kisses him.)
(POTTER reels a bit, then starts to reciprocate.)
MALFOY: So, you enjoy sharp tongues too, Potter. Thought you might.
Anethelia blinked. Read the lines before her eyes again. Blinked. "What…"
SNAPE: Get out! Get the hell out! Twenty points from Gryffindor and Slytherin for resolving sexual tension in a teacher's presence!
(MALFOY and POTTER run out of the classroom.)
She sat back. "Oh… my god…" So the gossip magazine rumors were true, if Snape was to be believed. Aurors Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were, at least at one time… involved. Was Snape really so sick that he would make something like this up?
So these are the dangers of teaching love potions to your Malfoy and Potter.
Shocked, Anethelia took a break from the treatise to just stare at the words in front of her. But—but—they fought all the time—I guess they fought all the time. And—only—how—I mean—Death Eater—Golden Boy—this makes no sense!
But actually, if Anethelia thought about it, it made a lot of sense. A lot of sense. She flipped through the treatise, searching for further references. How long were they involved? How did they get Snape of all people to keep their secret?
She eventually spent the night reading the whole thing through. She thought the last line was a bit much, however.
And be wary of desk sex. Be very, very wary of students having sex on your desk. It is a bother to clean up and leads to images the mind would rather not contemplate.
Some months later, Anethelia had started teaching. She had consulted the treatise at least twice a week during the first three weeks, but now she was adding to it more than seeking advice from it.
She was hurrying down the hallway carrying several heavy books when she heard two vaguely familiar voices conversing.
"—can't believe what they've done to the place. And seriously? These kids have it so much bloody easier than we did. No Snape, no Filch—"
Someone laughed. "I thought you liked Snape."
"Yeah, well. Had a bit of a tendency to walk in on us, didn't he."
Anethelia stopped in her tracks. It wasn't conclusive, really, but two male voices mentioning Snape walking in on them? She had to investigate. She quickly and quietly made her way to the opposite side of the hall, where she could peer around the corner.
Sure enough, there was a thin, pale young man leaning against a slightly shorter dark-haired man, who had his arm around the other's waist. They were looking up at a portrait of Erebus Jones that Anethelia herself had commissioned.
Then the pale one, who must be Draco Malfoy, said, "Who the fuck is this bloke, anyway?"
The darker-haired man shrugged. "I don't know."
The portrait opened its mouth to answer, annoyed, but Anethelia stepped out from behind the corner and said, "That is Professor Erebus Jones. Brilliant man."
Mollified, the portrait harrumphed and went back to mixing a potion. The pair in front of him wheeled around to look at her, surprised. "Who are you?" asked Malfoy.
Anethelia smiled. "Forgive me. Professor Anethelia Laverne. I'm the Potions Master here. I believe I know your names."
"Er, yeah. Nice to meet you," said Potter, adjusting his glasses with a lopsided grin.
Malfoy frowned. "What did Professor Jones teach? I've never heard of him."
Anethelia shrugged. "Potions. You probably wouldn't have; he was a great teacher, by most accounts, but he didn't make very many innovations to the art of Potions itself."
Erebus grumbled, but said nothing else.
The three were quiet for a moment, looking up at the old man stirring his concoction. Anethelia deliberated for a moment over whether she should say what had just zipped into her head. Finally she decided.
"Yes," she said, taking advantage of the silence, "Erebus was a brilliant man. However, he didn't manage to predict desk sex. Ah well."
She walked away, and waited until she could no longer hear the sounds of their choking and sputtering to start laughing.