Warning: This one is incredibly angsty. I wrote it when I was holed up in my dorm for four days with a nasty flu, so it's highly depressing. The next one'll be funny, I swear!
Did You Ever?
He's over at Rachel's when he first starts thinking about it. It's the weekend before Sectionals, and Rachel is using Finn as her relaxation technique. Not that he minds, of course, because she's totally letting him make out with her and touch her boobs, and that's totally awesome. At six-thirty, though, she sits up and tells him it's time for him to go home so she can eat dinner with her dads. He groans and tries to pull her back down, but she pushes him away gently and places a chaste kiss on his cheek before rolling off the bed. He complies, mainly because he's a little bit scared of her dads and he really doesn't want them to hate him.
They walk downstairs hand-in-hand, passing through the living room, where both of Rachel's dads are watching the news. The two men are curled up together on the couch, wrapped around each other like he and Rachel had been earlier. Even though Finn totally isn't homophobic or anything, it's still super weird to see two men in such an intimate position. Rachel is pulling him towards the door, but she stops suddenly and whirls around, eyes locked on the television. Her fathers have moved, too, unwrapping their arms from each other and leaning forward. Finn is super-confused before he realizes that he should probably be listening to the news, so he turns to the screen as well.
He hears some woman talking about a kid in Columbus—a picture flashes across the screen, and the guy looks about fifteen—who swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills in his bathroom. There's some medical terminology that Finn doesn't understand, but he does manage to get the word suicide out. Rachel makes a hissing noise next to him, and one of her fathers wraps an arm around his partners' shoulder. Before Finn can react, Rachel is pulling him towards the door again.
"Rach?" he asks, once they enter the foyer, "What's wrong?"
Rachel shakes her head, brown curls floating around her face. She hands Finn his jacket and speaks as she helps him into it.
"Another gay suicide," she tells him, smoothing down the sleeves, "Don't you watch the news?"
Finn shakes his head, turning back to his girlfriend.
"It's been a huge news topic this year," she states, glancing through the doorway at the television, "There've been dozens of kids in Ohio alone who have killed themselves because of homophobic bullying. My dads say the ACLU is looking into better rules at public schools, but nobody wants to help. It's not fair..."
Finn blinks hard a few times.
"Rach," he asks quietly, "Do you think Kurt-"
"Finn!" Rachel smacks his arm sharply, "Don't ever think like that, alright? Kurt would never, so don't even talk about something like that, ok?"
She shoves him out the door, but not before he sees her eyes watering.
He drives home distractedly, thinking about the news story and suicide and his brother.
When he gets home, Kurt's in their room. He's lying on his stomach on the bed with a heavy textbook perched in front of him. He'd been complaining about how much harder Dalton classes were as compared to McKinley, and worked on homework almost constantly in his efforts to catch up. Finn just stands in the doorway and looks at him for a moment. He realizes he's been staring a bit too long when Kurt looks up and raises his eyebrows.
"Something wrong, Finn?"
Finn steps forward, closing the door behind him. He makes his way over to his side of the room and sits on the bed, facing his stepbrother.
"Kurt? Can I ask you something?"
Kurt closes his textbook and turns a bit.
"It's just...I mean, at Rachel's today, her dads were watching the news. And they started talking about some kid in Columbus who killed himself because he was gay and he was getting bullied and stuff..."
Kurt sighs dramatically and rubs his temples.
"Look, Finn, I've already had this conversation with my dad, and Carole, and Mrs. Pillsbury, and I really don't want to have to have it again. I'm not suicidal, ok?"
Finn opens his mouth, but there's a knock on the door and his mom calls out that dinners ready. Kurt stands immediately, shooting Finn a look that clearly says this discussion is over before he flounces up the stairs.
Everything's kind of hectic after Sectionals. Kurt comes home a few days before Christmas, and then there's a herd of Hummel-Hudson relatives traipsing in and out until New Years. Eventually, everything calms down and Finn and Kurt are left in an empty house while their parents drive to Indiana to visit Carole's sister.
Finn's halfway through Anchorman when he feels Kurt plop down on the other side of the sofa. He turns slightly, and realizes that Kurt's watching him. He's sitting stiffly, with his hands pressed under his legs and his back straight. Finn reaches for the remote with popcorn-buttery fingers, hitting the pause button a few times before the movie finally freezes.
"I'm sorry," he says, "about the whole suicide thing. I shouldn't have blown you off, I was just sick of everyone asking me about it."
"Nah, it's cool," Finn tells him, grinning as he digs his hand in the popcorn bowl again.
"I did, once," Kurt says, drawing his knees up to his chest, "Think about it, I mean."
"When?" Finn asks, expecting him to say 'middle school' or 'before Glee'.
Instead, Kurt twists his hands together and says softly, "A few months ago."
Finn gapes a bit.
"Dude, like, this year?"
Kurt nods and clenches his jaw a bit.
"Stuff just got really bad really fast, and I didn't think I could handle it anymore," he says, eyes watering up, "With my dad and Karofsky and everything. It was just too much too fast."
"Kurt, man, why didn't you say anything?"
Kurt scoffs, "Really, Finn? Half the time it's like you can't stand being around me, it's not like I was going to walk up to you and say, 'Hey, by the way, I'm totally thinking about sticking a gun to my head tonight'."
"That's not—I would have cared, Kurt, I do care."
Kurt doesn't say anything.
"Is that...is that how you were going to do it? Shoot yourself?"
Kurt shakes his head slowly.
"No, I was going to sit in my car, leave it running in the garage. It would've been easy, like going to sleep."
Kurt wipes a tear from his eye, and Finn reaches over to grab his shoulder.
"Then I thought of my dad," he continues, "of him waking up to find my body. It would've killed him. So I didn't."
"Finn, I'm fine now, really. It was a temporary moment of weakness, and it'll never happen again, I promise."
Finn nods slowly and holds out his bowl, silently offering popcorn. Kurt takes a small handful, not complaining about what it'll do to his complexion.
"Kurt..you know you can talk to me, right? I mean, I know I haven't always been nice to you, and I pretty much suck as a brother, but I'll listen. I really do care, I promise. You're my brother, man, I love you."
Kurt looks at him for a moment before launching forward, wrapping his arms around Finn in a tight hug. Finn returns it awkwardly, trying not to spill buttery popcorn down his stepbrother's shirt.
"Thanks, Finn," Kurt murmurs into his ear before pulling away. He makes a move to stand up, but Finn grabs his wrist and pulls him down again.
"Hey, this movie's really funny, wanna watch it with me?"
Kurt nods hesitantly, and Finn rewinds to the beginning.