The Last Gift
Summary: As Dean suffers through his first birthday since losing Sam and considers doing the ultimate, a surprise gift comes that makes him realize just how much his brother cared…even at the end. Angsty!Dean
Tag: Season 5 Episode 22-Swan Song
Warnings: Minor language warning and spoilers for Swan Song and some earlier episodes.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
SPN SPN SPN SPN SPN
I've managed to avoid Bobby's calls today and I got the hell outta the house before Lisa could nail me with any birthday-wish like. I mean, she means well but she just doesn't understand that Christmas nearly did me in. There is no way I can handle surviving my first birthday since losing my kid brother.
Sam's been in that damn hole for a lot longer than I thought I'd be able to allow him to stay. Oh, not for the lack of trying because I have been trying. I've looked up more arcane lore, rituals, and hoodoo crap since Sam got locked in the Cage with Lucifer and Michael than I have in my entire life as a hunter.
I only came close once and only a visit by an annoying Angel kept me from opening that Cage to either jerk Sammy out or lock myself in with him. Of course, I've also decided that I won't go on like this either.
Since moving in with Lisa and Ben I've considered trying to do the whole 9-to-5 thing but every time I decided to try I'd think of Sammy. He once mentioned us getting day jobs in favor of me not hustling pool or poker. I made fun of that suggestion, now it nearly brought me to tears because I can still see Sammy sitting on the hood of the Impala that night.
The weirdest things will bring me to near tears. A song on the radio that Sam would play or a math problem Ben had that made me think of my little Geek boy brother and I had to leave the house.
Sam would be giving me one of his best bitch faces if he could see this hunk of junk I'm driving. The pick-up truck serves as transportation since I haven't touched the Impala since driving into the garage. I tried, I honestly did try but the one time I got behind the wheel I looked next to me and spent the next few hours passed out drunk. Because all I could see if my brother sitting next to me from the night I got him from Stanford to the last night we drove together and it was either drink myself into a stupor or put my .45 in my mouth and blow my brains out.
I know it was Sammy's idea for me to come to Lisa. For me to live the normal apple pie life that I'd wanted for him but I just can't get into it. Getting up in the morning, having regular meals, regular conversations and acting like a normal family. Sam and I had a normal family. Even with Dad, even with all the moving around, it was normal to me. Not this and…I so miss Sammy it isn't even funny.
I used to give the geek so much hassle over his floppy hair, those too big hoodies, his taste in food, music and so much more but right now, after so long without him I'd take every insult back to just see him or to call him 'bitch' so he'd call me a jerk. That's what I want and I know the only way I'll have that is to open that cage and doom the world but I don't give a crap. He's my little brother and I failed him. Now I need to get him back or die trying.
So while Lisa's inside cooking dinner and Ben's doing homework I'm considering just taking the Impala out and leaving. Driving until she's outta gas and then blowing my brains out.
I know I promised Sam I'd try to live out the normal life and I have but I'm tired of the nightmares, of hearing him scream and thinking I'm seeing him at every turn or glance out the window.
A brief look to the house and I'd just reached for my keys when a hear a step on the porch and nearly take out the UPS driver who decided to come calling when I'm in a really bad mood. You can take the hunter out of the game but you can never fully take the hunter out of the guy.
"What?" sue me for being rude. Bobby said Sammy got all the polite genes in our family.
Looking at his clipboard, the guy gives me a nervous look and I can't blame him. "Umm, Dean Winchester?"
Nodding, I blink at the small box he practically shoves at me in his haste to leave and I swear if Bobby sent me something after I told him I was forgetting my birthday this year that old man was so getting a damn call.
A quick look at the return address had be even more confused. Sarah Blake? Sure, I remember her. She was the cute little thing I worked really hard to hook Sammy up with wayyy back in the day before all that stuff with Dad happened. She was Sammy's first kiss since Jessica, thank you very much. What the hell was she sending me something now and…
Opening the box, I stare at the smaller box before opening the note to read Sarah's elegant writing…she would've been really good for Sam and I should've insisted we go see her instead of heading out to check on Daniel Elkins. It seems, according to her that…oh shit, that my pesky little brother sent something to her with instructions to send it on to me for my birthday if she didn't hear from him.
'Sammy, this is going to…' I almost know that after everything else I've gone through since that day in Stull that if I open this box I'll break but since when have I ever listened to myself and I open the box and feel myself shatter as soon as I see the tiny gold amulet laying inside.
"Sonuvabitch," I take my amulet out to let it hang from my fingers and think of Sam. My little brother had watched me toss this away the day after our trip to Heaven when I'd lost all my faith in God and in him. I couldn't stand it anymore and I'd thrown it away. Oh, I'd regretted it soon after I'd done it but by then I'd convinced myself that both the amulet and my brother were lost to me and I never thought I'd see it again. Until now.
Sam had grabbed it from the trash and had kept it on him afterwards, even knowing how much faith and trust I'd lost in him. He'd kept it and when he'd made the choice to let Lucifer have his body in order to trap him, he'd sent it to Sarah in the hopes that she'd send it to me if he failed to collect it from her himself.
"Damn you, Sammy," I feel the burning tears fall and can't stop them. Leave it to Sam to be able to shatter the walls I'd put up with one simple, pure Sammy gesture. Then I see the note in what could only be Sam's writing and scrub my eyes before finally sitting in Sam's seat in the Impala to read it.
'Dean, if you're reading this then that means Sarah had to send this to you and that means either my plan back fired to trap Lucifer and I'm dead or it worked and I'm gone. I know you tossed the amulet away but…I couldn't leave it in that trashcan. I refused to believe that you'd lost that much faith or trust that you'd throw away the one thing you'd kept since I gave it to you.
"I know you're probably pissed at me and I guess I can't blame you. I hope that the plan worked and you're safe with Lisa and Ben. I know you gave up a lot to raise me and I never really told you that I…loved you or respected you but I always assumed you knew that and telling you sure would break that no chick-flick rule you had. Now, I'm gone and I hope to Hell you aren't thinking of doing anything stupid. You swore to me that you'd leave it alone, Dean and that's what I want you to do. Leave it alone, leave me alone and live the life that Dad took away from you.
"Live a long happy life with Lisa. Have a family and just…try not to think of the pain I've caused you when you do think of me. I can't give you much but I wanted my last birthday gift to you to be the one thing I gave you that Christmas you were twelve. Even if you still don't want it or still don't have any faith in me…I hope you know that you'll always be my big brother and I will love you. Forgive me for all the pain I caused you the past year and…try not to drive yourself buts worrying about me. What I'm doing now I have to do to make up for the pain I caused you, Dad, Mom, Jess and…well, you get the idea.
"Happy birthday, Dean and I…hope you'll be happy and forget me. Love your little brother, Sammy."
Yeah, okay Sammy, that did it. I'm not bawling like a fool and I don't care if Lisa walks in right now. If anything could make me break, it would be my pain in the ass little brother. Folding the letter, I slip it inside the glove box before I finally place the amulet back around my neck and feel it settle back into its familiar place against my chest. The weight that's been missing is back and takes away one pain on my heart while the biggest one will always remain so long as Sammy is in a damn hole with two assbutt Archangels.
'Forget you, Sammy?' I could laugh at that. The kid's been my shadow since he learned to walk and talk. The longest we've been apart is when he went to college and even then I made sure to check up on him. I'll never forget Sam and I will get him back but…for now I won't use the gun and I'll stick it out here with Lisa…until I get Sam back and I will get my brother back before my next birthday or I'll be dead and burned.
Taking a cassette from the box under the seat, I remember Sammy's words about my music as I slip the tape in and allow AC/DC to blare from the speakers. 'Driver picks the music, Sammy,' I murmur, closing my eyes to allow the memories I'd buried for months to come and try to ignore the cold feeling that if I'd open my eyes right now I'd see Sammy.
I'll get you back soon, Sammy. Just hang on, big brother will make it all good real soon and I don't care if I have to Holy Oil some angel butt to do it.
A/N: I'm in a short tagging story mood this weekend so while I'm working on Mirror Images I decided to work on a couple 1-shots for some episodes. Thanks for reading.