Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I do own Mia Lars.

Just a random story that popped into my head. Its a mix of Harry turning into a snake hybrid and Harry being adopted.

Computer died and I lost everything. Am currently working on getting at least My Documents back. As such, updates may take a while.

The very first thing Harry learnt at the Dursleys was; Do Not Draw An Adult's Attention.

The Second Rule was; Do Not Question.

The Third Rule was; If They Are Baring Their Teeth While Smiling, You Are In Trouble.

Many, many Rules were subconsciously ingrained into Harry as he grew while others were amended.

One of the reasons Harry began trusting Mia Lars so quickly was because she also followed the Three Primary Rules.

Still, Harry's very first friend also followed these Rules, which should have set a precedent since said 'friend' was a West African Gaboon Viper who answered to Loncha.

Harry had met Loncha when he had slid into the hole under one of the tunnels in the local playground whilst hiding from Dudley. Harry had been surprised when he'd found himself lying on a smooth, scaly object that began whispering longingly about warmth in a half-awake manner.

It had been late autumn at the time.

Harry still wasn't entirely sure how he'd managed to sneak a snake as long as Aunt Petunia was tall (and almost as round) across the road, into the house and into his cupboard without anyone noticing.

And no one noticed all winter and the winters that followed at the Dursley residence.

Except Ripper, who went mysteriously missing whilst Harry was making dinner one afternoon. The disappearance quite put Loncha off his chicken for a week or so.

Funny that.

Marge assumed that the nasty dog had been dognapped, so Harry wasn't punished.

When Harry moved in with Mia, he was very surprised to find that his room was an actual room instead of a cupboard.

It was small, which Harry liked, and was dominated by a wall to wall bunk surrounded by darkly lacquered drawers, giving the impression of a nest carved into the wall. There was no window, but Mia said that he could have anything in the storage room beside his own.

Across the wooden floorboards of the hall was Mia's room with its large black and bronze bed and gothic d├ęcor. Beside her room was the spacious bathroom with the multi-jet shower and pool-like bathtube.

The storage room beside his own was full of random tat and chests full of clothes and extra furnature. Harry had moved a bookcase, a small, old-fashioned school desk and a comfortably worn wooden chair into his room. Vibrant dark clothes were stretched over the floor and walls and the door and the drawers to muffle sound. Old fashioned toys lined the bookshelf and glittering mobiles were made with string, coat-hangers and the shiny glass and metal jewellery found in some of the chests. The end result looked something like a magpie's nest.

It was the only room in the house that Mia never entered, respecting Harry's privacy, even if it was one of the places Loncha usually frequented.

Mia didn't bother to point out that the 'glass' things were actually precious gems and the metal jewellery were more often then not several centuries old and magic in some manner.

At the end of the hall was a small rickety wooden staircase that led to a little nook between the kitchen and the library.

As upstairs, a hall of polished dark wood with a green mat divided the house through the former congregation area to the kitchen, which took up the entirety of the former dais and priest's quarters.

The kitchen was the only room with a stone floor. The room was dominated by a battle-worn old oak workbench that took up the majority of the kitchen space. Aside from the hallway door and the back door, the walls were lined with shelves of bottles and dried herbs. At the left end of the kitchen was the walk-in cool-room and freezer (Harry was not to have anything to do with the cloth-wrapped meat on the top shelves), while the right end was an old-fashioned wood-fire stove that not only was used to cook, but also warmed the entire house. Beside the stove was a trick-shelf that lead into a pantry Harry was not allowed into.

Entering from the front door, to the immediate right was a small study where Mia took care of any business for her work. The second and third doors on the right led into the library which stretched to the stairway.

On the left was the parlour where guests were entertained. The second door lead to a small water-closet. The third on the left was the loungeroom where Harry spent much of his day doing his home-schooling and reading. It also housed a large shaggy black dog that stared around with luminous blue eyes and never made a sound.

Mia called the dog, with a ironic little smile, Grim.

Grim would often haunt the small cemetery at the far back of the yard, closed off by iron pickets and shaded by a gnarled old yew tree.

Loncha and Grim had a live-and-let-live accord, though occasionally the lazy viper would complained about the 'Rainbow Queen' eating the rabbits in the hutch in the back corner that were kept expressly for him.

Aside from the odd bowel of milk, Grim didn't eat anything.

As part of the agreement with the courts, Harry saw a psychologist twice a week.

Her name was Dr S. Theno, and she was an old friend of Mia's.

Dr Theno was Greek, but she always wore her hair in a wrap that Harry could have sworn moved sometimes, her long nailed were shiny bronze and she wore contact lenses like Mia did sometimes.

For all that she was odd, Harry liked her. She felt like Mia and Loncha did.

It was a mark in her favour that she had shown him her statues of people doing silly things. Apparently, she made them herself.

Mr Morelli wasn't like Mia and Loncha and Dr Theno, but Harry liked him, even if the man asked a lot of questions.

He had a warm smile that didn't show teeth when he dropped by to check on them every few days, he always brought Harry sometime sweet and he had a big yellow dog called Bob.

Mia had confessed that she liked Mr Morelli, too, but that she hadn't yet decided if she was going to keep him.

Harry didn't find anything odd about this comment.

One of the first things Mia had told Harry was that if ever the clear crystal balls in every room and the yard began glowing red and chiming, he was to go immediately to the basement, regardless of what he was doing at the time.

The basement doors were hidden in three locations around the house and yard; the first was in the kitchen beneath the table under a false sandstone block, the second was in the upstairs bathroom behind a false wall, down a slide-pole, and the third was hidden under a hollow stone toad by the water feature in the enclosed back corner of the yard.

As soon as Harry was in the basement, which had candles, a small cot, a telephone, dried food and a toilet and sink, he was to hit the button on the wall, which would both lockdown the room and send out an alarm.

Only Mia had the password and only Mr Morelli and Dr Theno were shown where the entrances were.

In the first year of his stay with Mia, Harry and Loncha dutifully went down to the basement twenty-seven times, though the intruders were always gone when the police arrived, and Mia was never home when it happened; usually having run down to the store for something.

The day Harry reached his eleventh birthday, he had just sat down to breakfast while Mia read the newspaper and drank her tea, Loncha draped over his bare feet for warmth, when Mia had suddenly looked up and glared in the direction of the front door with her beautiful golden eyes.

The swing and snap of the mail-slot reached Harry's ears, but he remained in his seat when Mia stood and disappeared from the kitchen.

The boy did, however, lean back slightly to look down the hall when he heard the angry hiss-sound like Loncha made when he was greatly irritated reached his ears.

Loncha, for his part, made a break for the catflap Mia had had installed for him in the kitchen door.

Mia stalked into the kitchen a few moments later, muttering vehemently in both a foreign language and snake-speak, and added several herbs from the top shelf of the red shelves to the stove fire, a letter clutched in her hand.

When the herbs caught alight, the flames flared a dark violet and let loose as strong scent Harry couldn't recognise.

Then the woman cast the letter into the flames.

A moment passed before the letter let out a shriek, the violet flames suddenly taking on the appearance of a nest of purple firedrakes that snakes and hissed as an orange-ish light tried to escape the flames, but was torn apart by the voracious little apparations.

Mia hissed in a smugly hostile manner at the fire before turning to Harry. "Go get dressed. We will be making a trip to London to talk with some people about your schooling."

Harry frowned but nodded, wondering why they needed to talk about schooling. He was doing well with his home-schooled courses. He was even ahead in most subjects.

Stheno was one of the immortal Gorgan sisters of Medusa. It never said what happened to her and the other sister whose name I can't remember.

Joe Morelli is loosely based off a character belonging to Janet Evanovich.

Loncha is a West African Gaboon Viper. They are the larges of the viperids, have both the longest fangs (2inches) and the highest venom yeild of any snake. They are also supposed to be quite placid compared to other snakes. They are also HUGE. Look it up and see for yourself.

Loncha is the Shikamaru of snakes.