Monty Python and the Holy Gail
Character Back Stories
CHAPTER 1-THE FRENCH TAUNTER part.1
I, the french taunter, woke up at 7:02 A.M. and rose to start the days training in "THE FRENCH SCHOOL FOR TAUNTERS" when i got up i immediately saw the plaque with the schools moddo on it it read:
"Remember, all people who aren't french are trash."
I put on my armor and headed outside. I stood outside with the rest of my glorious
non-English fellow french taunters as we waited for the drill sergeant. Out of the corner of our eyes we could see him he stood tall and was 100% not english truly the perfect person.
"LISTEN YOU SMALL INSECTS! TODAY WE WILL WORK ON YOUR OUTRAGEOUS SILLY ACCENTS ONE OF THE KEY INGREDIENTS IN A GOOD TAUNTING" the drill sergeant said in his silly way over done outrageous accent
"But, sir" I said "We already have outrageous accents."
he stared at me then said "YOUR ACCENT COULD PASS AS BRITISH YOU ENGLISH PIG TROUGH WATER I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, IN FACT YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDER BERRIES!".
Everyone including me gasped at him calling me english which for a french man was the ultimate insult, for the rest of my life I would never be able to forget those words
"NOW THEN!" continued the drill sergeant " EVERYONE GRAB A FRENCH PRACTICE DUMMY AND TAUNT THEM USING THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS ACCENT YOU CAN!"
we all grabbed our practice dummies put them on their stands and proceeded to taunt them.
After 2 straight hours of relentless and harsh taunting, the drill sergeant yelled "NOW THEN WE SHALL PROCEED TO DO A NEW TRAINING EXERCISE, EVERYONE FACE THE PERSON ON YOUR LEFT!"
everyone turned left
"OK" continued the drill sergeant " NOW HALF OF YOU TURN THE OTHER WAY!
everyone turned right
"NO! ONLY HALF OF YOU TURN RIGHT! NOW HALF OF YOU TURN LEFT!"
everyone turned left "NO! HALF OF YOU STAND STILL AND HALF OF YOU TURN THE OTHER DIRECTION! GOT IT!
all of us nodded.
"OK NOW" he yelled "HALF OF YOU TURN RIGHT AND HALF OF YOU HOLD STILL".
"RIGHT!" we all yelled as we all turned right
"NO!" he yelled
"What did we this time?" i asked
"I know what happened!" said a background character who will never be in this story or any other story ever again "We turned the wrong direction!"
I replied "OF COURSE! how foolish we've been! everyone turn the other direction!"
"NO!" said the drill sergeant as we all turned the other direction
"No?" I said "Then what did we do wrong?"
all of us started thinking hard about what we where supposed to do
"LISTEN!" said the drill sergeant "HALF OF YOU FACE LEFT AND HALF OF YOU FACE RIGHT!"
"No I already thought of that, it wouldn't work" said another random solder
"What if" I said "we are supposed to turn and face backwards while standing on our heads!"
the other taunters looked at each other and thought if it would work
"Well" said a third random solder "it's dangerous, but it should work"
"I say we try!" said a forth random solder
"ok then" I said "lets do this, in case we don't survive I just want to say it's been an honor serving with you!"
"AAAAAAAAAAA!" we all screamed as we turned around facing backwards and bent over to stand on our heads.
as we where standing on our heads the drill sergeant suffered a fatal heart attack due to anger and, went to a special place in heaven for people who suffered heart attacks where he brutally taunted the animator of "the black beat of aaaaaaaahhhhh"
"How are we doing sir? said a solder named Mike "Sir?"
"I think he's dead." I said
"Then how do we know when to stop?" said a solder named Wook-Wook
"Well" said another random solder "I guess if he's dead we don't need to do this."
"Attention solders!" said the head administer of the school as he walked toward us "I found the drill sergeant's birth certificate!"
"So what?" said a solder named Wook-Wook
"HE'S ENGLISH!" said the head administer of the school
all of us gasped, then we gasped again in fact we kept gasping until 16 of us had died of over gasping
"We must do to his corps what we do to all none french men!" I shouted
"You mean..." said a solder named Wook-Wook
"Yes.." I said "SPIT ON HIM!"
we all proceeded to spit vigorously at the corpse in fact we spat so much that all of the solders died of over spitting except myself,Mike, and Wook-Wook
"I think thats enough fellow french taunters." said Mike
"Yes" said the head administrator "And for your committed spitting I will now give you your degrees in tauntology."
"Thank you you glorious 100% pure french leader!" I said
"It's what you get when a family practices incest on a regular basis!" said the administer of the school
That day was the last time I saw that school again but, I didn't care I had bigger things to think about.