So Im actually starting a new story, as sort of a break or something. I've just had an idea about a Mayuri and Kenpachi fic going on for a long time so after some time I'm finally writing it. :D I really don't know where this fic is going but I guess it will work itself out. :) So um, in the first, opening chapter Kenpachi convinces Mayuri to go out drinking with him and the other captains. Let's just see how things work out. ;) Read on. :)

Help Myself

Chapter 1

The cold November night falls. Snow glows over the moons light. Sleet sticks to the windows. The wind twirls around the trees, around the quickened steps of the 12th Divisions Shinigamis, who still are forced to work restlessly. November 6th, times of no worries, of cold winter nights by the fire, of cuddles with your loved ones. But all this does not bother a man safely imprisoned in the four walls of his research department. He has tossed all of humanity's petite joys. All that was human has left this Shinigami. He has surpassed this. Now all he cares about is improvement! How to make this body of his more, better. To surpass everyone! But of course this requires much effort. As what he does isn't achieved by studying , no, it goes further than that. It is to discover, to expose, to reveal that which cannot be found in a textbook! And with that comes loneliness. Although this does not seem to bother him. He is happy to be rid of all those unintelligent, fake, weak faces that bother him so much. This here is his sanctuary. Nobody bothers him here. Well, not until tonight, maybe.

The papers of his last research sleek between his fingers. His mind races over the numbers and letters connecting them in ways so new. But this train of thought snaps closed as three knocks on the steel door disturb his silence. Grunting he leaves the papers down.

' Must be Nemu. Such a bother she is…'

He slowly walks to the door in this huge sterile square. Another three inpatient knocks.

'Well this is not like Nemu… Just what is she thinking?'

He reaches for the identification systems button. Pushing it, it scans his eye to make sure he, and only he gets to come here. It opens with a loud thud, pushing it aside forcefully he finds that there is a force helping him from the other side. Finally, his head turns to see this very impatient, rude, disrespecting … Kenpachi? He looks at Mayuris bewildered face and smiles widely.

–" Sorry Mayuri I seem to have disturbed you."-He speaks chuckles in his voice.

–" Yeah, just how can I help you Zaraki?"- He does not need this time wasting.

Although this is a big surprise… Kenpachis grin does not falter. His eyes search Mayuris.

–"Me and the other captains are going drinking. You should come with us."- He speaks with ease.

Now Mayuris eyes search Kenpachis.

'Is this man mad? Well in a way he is, but this is way off even for him…'

Kenpachis teeth peer out in his smile.

–" You spend way too much time by yourself with your toys. You should take the night off."-

He says and steps in inside the room in front of Mayuri causing him to tumble a step back.

–" So what do you say?"- He asks his voice quiet, his huge form hovering in front of Mayuri. But this does not intimidate Mayuri as much as it surprises him.

-"Listen, Zaraki I appreciate the offer but I have too much work over here, maybe next time. "-

He speaks his voice stable, way too obvious.

-" Oh bullshit Mayuri you and I both know there isn't gonna be a next time!"- His body sways with dismay, his face taking the form of a pout. Mayuris eyes widen at Kenpachis choice of words.

'He is too bold for his own good. That mouth is going to kill him one day. Pray it not be by me.'

–"Zaraki I-"

"Kenpachi!"- He corrects him.

Mayuri sends him an incredulous look.

–"Yes, sure, I really do have a lot of work here, unlike some people, and I wish to get it done. So If you'll excuse me…"- Mayuri reaches for the door handle, but a hand grabs him by the forearm. His eyes widen in shock. People rarely touch him. Not while their begging him to stop what they call torture, what he calls science. But their touches are those of fear, of scratches, of pain. His eyes sway back to Kenpachis. His brows furrowed together, a desperate plead gleaming in his eyes.

–"Mayuri I… I know that you are super busy and all that, but come on, you stuck yourself in these, these science rooms all day and I-I personally think you need to relax. I know I might not understand what you do here and how important it is to you, but I do know that everyman deserves to enjoy his time off. So, please, just-just this night maybe, you would join me?"-

He finishes his ramble quietly. Mayuri stares in his eyes, disbelieving him. But his eyes are honest, pure. This is new to Mayuri. Such straightforwardness he hasn't really witnessed. In a way Kenpachi was right. He does spend too much time by himself. Maybe just one night… With Kenpachi…

-"I will."-

His words short. Kenpachi raises his defeated head with a look of surprise.

–"You will?"-

-"Yes, I,I guess you're right, about me…"- Mayuri confirms his words. Kenpachi smiles from ear, to ear, his eyes squinting together. He pulls Mayuri by the forearm and into a hug. His hands wrap around his back holding tightly. Mayuri gasps at his sudden movement. His arms hang loosely by his sides not sure what to do. Not sure if he just got a hug, from Kenpachi nonetheless… Kenpachi pulls back, his hands now at his sides.

–"I promise you wont regret this. "- He steps back and outside. –"Nine o'clock , I'll pick you up. "-

He says and turns to leave.

'Oh like hell I need picking up, what does he think I am, who does he think he is picking me up, acting like Im a child!'

–"Zaraki, you…"-

'But then again I probably wouldn't know how to get there. Even so it would probably be better if I came in with Kenpachi by my side… It'd be easier with him…'

–"Yeah Mayuri?"- He asks after the sudden stop.

–"I'll be in my office, at nine…"- He trails off half embarrassed, half unsure. Kenpachi smiles again.

–" I'll be there."

- He says and waves a goodbye. Mayuri couldn't even move his arm up. You have to keep in mind that this man hasn't had the slightest taste of what people call "a social life". Yet there he was. Lingering at his door, staring blankly after Kenpachi. He quickly pulls himself together, reminding himself that this is no big deal, that it just one night he will deal with and maybe even, possibly, enjoy it. He had a couple of more hours till nine o'clock. Sense it was winter the day was short, and the night fell early. He could get back to his studies. Yes, that will do. He fiddles with the papers, reading them through. Although his eyes capture the leathers, his mind doesn't comprehend the words. His thoughts keep leading him back to Kenpachi…

'Such a strange man he is. He never seems to doubt his decisions. Never rethinks them either. He came here shamelessly, asking me to go out with him. I mean uh, with them, to go out drinking…'

He settles the papers down and grabs his head between his paint covered hands.

–"Fuck this is bad…"- He grunts to himself.


And there was Kenpachi. Strolling carelessly towards his division. A big shit-eating grin splat across his face. He couldn't help it. It was a great accomplishment for him, finally finding a way to get the little geek to go out with him. Nemu is walking across.

–"Hi Nemu-chan."- His happiness clearly present in his voice.

–"H-Hi captain Zaraki."- She speaks silently.

But a small smile spreads her lips. His teeth bare in a smile.

' She's a strange one. Well of course she is, she's Mayuris daughter but still. Most people tremble beneath me. She can read people, that one…'

He thinks happily to himself. Nothing can ruin his good mood now. He reaches his quarters, only to have Yachiru tackle his waist. Chuckling he raises her up on his shoulder. Her bright brown eyes gleaming with unending childish joy.

–"Nee, Ken-chan seems super happy! Did you fight someone strong?"- She assumes.

He chukles and takes her inside.

–"Good thinking, but no. Why aren't you in bed anyway, I'll be leaving soon?"-

He gently puts her down on the sofa, and goes for the refrigerator. He pulls out a bottle of sparkling water gulping it in.

–"Oh, oh, oh I know! You're going on a date with Mayu-chan!"-

She exclaims happily clapping her hands together. However this statement doesn't make Kenpachi clap his hands with joy. Instead he chokes on the water causing him to spit it over the counter. He gaps for air as his eyes wide in shock, stare at Yachiru's big, wide and undeniably happy ones.

–Y-Yachiru you, you shouldn't just, say things that, that come to your mind like that, you know?-

He troubles with his words.

-And no, I am not! Where do you even get these stupid ideas?"-

He tries, yes.

–" Oh, I overheard Baldie-Chan and Feather-Brow talking over something about you and science boy! –

She chirps happily.

'Those bitches!' His inner Kenpachi boils with anger.

–"Well, you see ,those two don't know what they're talking 'bout half the time… And you shouldn't over hear when other people talk anyway, that's rude."

- He finishes in a hurry, trying to get himself out of it.

–"Aaa, Yachiru is sorry…"-

She speaks her voice suddenly quiet, her head slung down. Kenpachi cant help it but fall for her sad-sack attitude. Most people don't know it but, she's pretty smart for her age. Even Kenpachi, to some extent just doesn't know what she is capable off. That's why he keeps her away from his Mayuri business. He feels a girl her age shouldn't be bothered with things like sexuality. Let alone his sexuality. Hell, he doesn't even understand it himself. He quickly scoots over to Yachiru, pulling her in his lap.

–"It's nothing to be sorry about, those two just don't know how to keep their mouths shut. "-

She giggles, wrapping her arms around Kenpachis neck.

–"I love you Ken-chan."-

-"I love you too kid."-

He kisses her on the cheek, and stands up, Yachiru still in his arms.

–"Now it's time for bed."-

He says and takes her to her bedroom.

–"Nooooo!"- She whines, kicking with her little feet in the air.

–"Come now…"- He speaks calmly, laying her down on the bed.

-" If you get enough sleep you'll grow up to be strong like me one day, maybe more!"-

He teaches her, smiling.

–"Oh, I know I will!"-

She says and giggles. He laughs and tucks her in.

–" Now go to sleep."-

He kisses her on the forehead.

–"Good night Ken-chan."-

She wishes him, turning in her bed.

–"Yeah, good night Yachiru."-

And with that he turns to leave.

–"And have fun with Mayu-chan!"-

He stops dead in his tracks. His head twists to give her his best death glare, but she has turned, facing the other wall.

'She will be the end of me…' And with that thought he finally closes the door behind him.


-"The bathroom is ready for you, Captain."-

Nemu walks in back to his room, bowing down for Mayuri. He doesn't thank her, or acknowledge her good deed. He simply stands up from his chair, brushes past her and into his bathroom. To him Nemu is just machinery. A dull one, for that matter. He closes the door behind him, stepping inside. The white towels are lined up for him, his new kimono neatly spread along his bathroom chair. He finds joy in his bathroom. It's pretty big, and wide. He finds it soothing to have so much space for him, for his body, unlike his study rooms, who no matter how cleaned always hold the smell of a decaying body. Mirrors stamp a wall. Beneath the mirrors, lay counters of marble, bottles and boxes of all source spread along them. He faces the mirror fully. He slips of his captains robes, never taking his eyes away from the mirror. He runs a hand from his face, to his body observing his painting. 'It's time now…' He takes of his golden adornments, cupping his cheeks and chin. Slowly, he pulls of his hat. His blue hair hangs before his eyes. He pushes it back. He quickly grabs some bottles and turns for his shower.

Stepping in, he settles the bottles down on the shelf inside his shower. Turns the water on setting the heat till it's just right. His mouth slips a sigh as he steps under the warm water. The water brakes through his paint, revealing his tanned, golden skin. His eyes flutter closed, taking in the feeling. There aren't much things Mayuri enjoys in life, but warm water is one of them. He runs his hands across his face, through his hair, scrubbing the paint away. He can feel his skin breathe again. His pores opening from the hot steam. He takes his shower gel, made by himself, to scrub away the paint and enhance his skins natural strength, as it's beauty. He pours in his hand, laying it across his chest, and his face. He gently smoothens it into his face, feeling the little prickles of his facial hair, all the paint clearly washing away. He then, scrubs it across his chest and shoulders, paint fading away, until it's completely gone. Taking another handful he washes the rest of his body, until the paint stirs with the water, and follows down the drain. Now his skin breathes freely. He feels a new essence of his existence every time he washes of his paint. He grabs his shampoo, again made by him. He makes his cleansing products himself because he, and only he knows his body best. He knows his skin best, he knows how his body reacts to certain chemicals, he knows every single cell of his body. And he knows what's best for it. He washes his hair with the lime green liquid-gel smelling of grass, trees and earth, because he finds the smell soothing. It makes him remember things. And so his mind travels. Travels over places, and people to stop on recent events, and fresh faces. To stop on Kenpachi Zaraki to be precise. Mayuris brows furrow as he catches himself thinking of him again. He doesn't like this. His thoughts are very organized, why does his mind keep racing back towards him?

But there is something about him today that caught his attention. He never payed much attention on him, why should he now? But he was, different today. From what he has witnessed of Kenpachi, that is. His eyes were so happy when he said he would join him tonight. He was practically glowing with joy. His whole being radiated some strong form of happiness.

'And that hug… He actually had the guts to touch me…'

He chuckles out loud.


He adds through chuckles. He feels his body is burning. Burning from the pits of his stomach. He cools down the warmth of the water. But the burning keeps on going. Keeps on building up and down in his stomach.

'What the…' He thinks to himself as he searches his body to find… An erection.

–"Well then, fuck…"-

He quietly curses in shock.

'Did I just get an erection? Having my thoughts stuck to Kenpachi? Is this even… Am I? How can I… I wasn't even thinking anything sexual! Now what the fuck am I supposed to with it!'

His shoulders ride up and down in his anger and frustration and more than anything, his confusion.

'I haven't had an erection in such a long time… How is this even possible? Just by thinking about him?' You see, Mayuri has never had a sexuality. Not that he remembers he had. It's just that, through all of his studies, he has unconsciously thought himself to view the human body as a machine, as a mechanism. As of that, he never really got horny anymore…He eyes himself, through the wet hairs of his abdomen to his penis. His hand shake's with doubt as it reaches for his penis. He grabs it slowly tugging the skin up and down.


He lets out a deep moan, as this forgotten feeling comes back to him. The fire inside him pumps up and down in the rhythm of his hand. He lets his eyes shut close. He supports his forehead against the cold plates of the wall in front him. His mind brings out the image of Kenpachi again. This time he lets it. As it seems these thoughts make the fire blaze and flare. They make him pump harder. He grunts and shivers under the warm water. He looks back at his forearm, where Kenpachi tugged at him. He brings it over to his mouth and sucks over it. Sucks, nips, licks, kisses, bites over this flesh. He imagines doing this to Kenpachi.


And with that final, last moan he comes in his hands. His breath heavies over him. He listens to the water stream for a short while. His breath finally stabilizes, going from quick gasps, to even breaths. His body heath also stabilizes, going from a raging fire to a quiet warmth. His mind, clouded with thoughts of a naked Kenpachi, calms down to thoughts of a fully clothed Kenpachi. Which isn't better, really. He finally straightens up his slung body.

–"What the fuck just happened?"-

He speaks to himself. A tendency he came to have, and accept through his years of neglected studying.

'I finally get some taste of sexuality, and it's with a man? Nonetheless with Kenpachi!'


Kenpachi steps into his bathroom. A cozy brown rug beneath his feet, over the yellow marble plates. He settles his black towel over the wooden stool by his grand bathtub. He reaches for the tub and turns on the water setting it at bright red. As the water drops into the bathtub, he reaches for his products placing them on the stool, over the towel. He turns to his mirror. Time to settle his hair. Even though it was a bore sometimes, he enjoyed playing with his hair. One by one, he de-tangled the bells from his spikes.

Finally he started brushing through the gel and hair spray. It took a lot to make it stand firm. Even in battles, not a single hair was out of place. He brushed through with difficulty, but he was never one to piss and moan. Finally his hair layed down, damaged and lifeless. With a final stroke he brushed it away from his face, against his back. He slipped his clothes off and let them lay there on the ground. He would put them in the washer after he is done. Turning the water of, he slowly slips in his full bathtub. Sighing in relief. He lets his hands rest at the sides of the bathtub. He watches his bruises with difficulty. But this is no time for bothering matters. It's a time of relief, a relief from all tension. He lets his hair slip deeper in the water. He gets the shower-gel and starts to smother his body with its riches. He gets his neck, his shoulders, his chest, and down to his penis. But his hand seems to stay there.


His moan hardly audible. He pumps his cock slowly, bucking his hips with every little tug. But how does his mind present Mayuri? He has no clear idea of what this man looks like! But it seems Kenpachi loves this mystery. All the more to the imagination. He imagines this man, with golden eyes, short cropped, light brown hair, full lips, tanned body, great masculinity. Or maybe golden eyes, shaggy green hair, beautiful set of teeth, fair skin, soft muscles. 'Whatever it is those golden eyes don't change. And whatever it is I want it. Oh fuck, how can I want someone so badly, when I don't even know how they look like! Why am I so fucked up?' He thinks to himself, his eyes tightening as his jerks become quicker. He slowly stops jerking off. Instead he slowly spreads his legs apart. He opens his eyes, shining with lust, and looks down at himself. He slowly takes his right hand, and moves his middle finger between his legs. And inside.

–"Ah, fuck…"-

He moans out, his whole body jerking upwards, water splashing around him. His whole body tenses as he recalls Mayuris voice. Even by seeing so little of him, he wanted him so badly. He inserts another finger, wondering how would Mayuri feel.

-"Fuck me, Mayuri..."-

He quietly whispers to himself, trying out the words. Just how would it sound screaming them, in his bedroom? And another finger. He twists his finger reaching for his spot. His hips start to buckle uncontrollably in the bathtub, water splashing all over the floor. His shoulders tense together, his muscles strain, his veins pop out. He grabs his fist in his mouth, sticking his teeth into it, so to not cry out in release. And he finally reaches it, shuddering feverishly as he does so. His eyes slowly open, to see his cum floating in the water.

-"I didn't even get to wash my hair..."


Mayuri sits in his office chair seemingly undisturbed. He isn't though. His mind is a clouded mess right now. His mind races over questions, not contributing to answers.

'But how could this happen to me...'

He questions himself, confused.

'What if it happens when I see him? What if it works like that?'

He sees through every bad possibility. Not having much knowledge to his own sexuality, he only thinks of the worst.

'So suddenly… I really don't need this crap right now…'

His previous encounter scares him. Though, he doesn't admit it. He has been through so much, he has witnessed so much, why should he be afraid of his dick! But it's not his organ that scares him… It's the needs he's afraid to nurture. Loud knocks on the door startle him.

'Oh well, it is time…'

He stands up his back straight, shoulders up, but inside he dreads having to open the door. He does open it though. And behind it awaits Kenpachi, grinning back at him.

'Oh, he's just a happy camper isn't he?'

And although Mayuri's eyes stare bored at Kenpachi, Kenpachis eyes trace Mayuri up and down. Eyeing him, if you will. Mayuri wears a dark blue kimono, with a white flower print. He considers it his normal wear. Although Kenpachi sees it as much more.

–"You look great Mayuri."-

He says chuckling. In his eyes he did. His paint, sort of complemented the colors of the kimono. Mayuri stares at him bewildered.

–"Sure, Zaraki…"-

He speaks with uneasiness. At this point though he captures Kenpachi with his eyes. He wears a dark, chocolate kimono with beige petal flowers. His hair neatly brushed in his spikes.

–"Y-You look good too…"-

He compliments him, his voice hardly audible. This though, seems to make Kenpachi glow with joy.

–"Thanks!"-He speaks with easiness. He moves to the side suggesting their leaving.

–"Shall we?"- His voice glistens with his enthusiasm. Mayuri huffs a chuckle.

–" We shall."- And with that he closes the door behind him, taking his side by Kenpachi. They walk in easy silence down the halls.

–"So what, do you do all days in those science rooms?"- Kenpachi breaks the silence. He tries to find something Mayuri would enjoy talking about.

–"You mean laboratories?"- Mayuri cant help but smile at Kenpachi's words. Kenpachi looks down at him, actually surprised he was smiling.

–"Yeah, sure."- He smiles back.

–"Well, actually, these days I'm doing a study on the weight of humans souls and thoughts."- He actually gets into the conversation, much to Kenpachi's surprise.

–"Weight?"- He asks interested, as well as happy he found something Mayuri would like talking about.

–"Yeah, I mean if you put a human on a weight scale minutes before he dies, the moment he dies a very small amount of his weight goes away with him."-

Mayuri actually becomes animated talking. He flaps his hands around, his eyes glistening with somewhat joy as he goes on, and on about his experiments. Kenpachi, though doesn't understand is highly interested in Mayuri's words. Just the way it made Mayuri light up with fire, and enthusiasm is enough to make him interested. His studies seem dear to him. After a while Mayuri stops to look at Kenpachi. He is smiling from ear to ear with a dazed smile.

–"You don't understand a word I'm saying aren't you?"- Mayuri asks him, feeling bad he let his mouth ran over him.

'I should have known who I was talking to…'

Kenpachi sees as Mayuris mood falters down.

–"You know Mayuri, just because I don't understand, doesn't mean I'm not interested. Isn't that why I'm listening to you? To understand?"-

Kenpachi tries to pick up Mayuri's mood. He actually succeeds. Mayuri looks back at him smiling once more.


He says shortly.

–"Its ok."-

Kenpachi replies chuckling through his words.

–"I mean, it's important to you, of course I'm interested."-

Mayuri blushes beneath his paint, grateful Kenpachi can't see it.

–"We're here."-

Kenpachi announces as they arrive at the bar. Jabber and loud music escapes from the four walls. Mayuri gulps down, as he remembers why he didn't go drinking. Kenpachi looks back at him unsure of Mayuris sudden stiffness. Written in enormous, white letters "Togainu No Chi" stands over the clubs door. The paint peeling off with time. Kenpachi opens the door, letting Mayuri enter first. Mayuri enters looking around him in an unsecure manner. He feels Kenpachi's hand grab his shoulder.

–"Over here."- He speaks into his golden ear, pointing with his hand to the loudest table over the right corner. There sit Byakuya, Renji, Matsumoto, Hitsugaya, Sajin, Ukitake, and ofcourse, some random women.


To be continued :)

So um I actually wrote this like a long long long time ago. Maybe there's a half a year. Or more. I don't know. All I know is I still like it. So Im posting it to see the response I'll be getting. And if there's interest I'll continue it and if there isn't any then here it ends. x) So thank you anyway for reading. ^^