A/N: What is up, Castle fans? I really have to work on being a more active fic writer/reader :) It's been awhile, haha. I have to say that Knockdown definitely renewed my writing inspiration. How amazing was it? Anyway...I tried writing some type of cute fluffy Caskett story and this is what happened instead. This story is based off of the Kesha song "The Harold Song." I really recommend you check it out, even if you don't like Kesha. You may be surprised.
Please review :) They make me happy! Also, please don't give up on this story halfway through. Remember that not all is as it seems.
Disclaimer: I don't own Castle!
I miss your soft lips. I miss your white sheets. I miss the scratch of your unshaved face on my cheek and this is so hard cause I didn't see that you were the love of my life and it kills me. I see your face in strangers on the street. I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep and in the lime light I play it off fine but I can't handle it when I turn off my night light. But I can't handle it when I turn off my night light.
They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me. Young love murder that is what this must be.
It had all happened so quickly. So, so, quickly. He was standing there, making some joke about God knows what and then, just like that, he was lying at her feet. There were bullets raining down on the four of them – her, Esposito, Ryan and, of course, Castle – but she didn't notice.
He was hit. He was down. He was bleeding.
He was dying.
Her heart stopped. Her breathing completely ceased for that split second. She couldn't respond, she couldn't force her body to move. All she knew was that Castle was shot. Her mind was in a fog, she was shell-shocked.
And then she was springing into action.
Ignoring the yells of Esposito and Ryan to take cover, she dropped to her knees and pressed her hands to Castle's chest. They were stained with his blood less than a second later, and the warmth of it made her sick to her stomach. Castle was gasping for air and she made the mistake of looking into his panicked eyes. They were already beginning to close. He was fading fast.
"Castle!" She pressed harder on his chest. "Damn it Castle, do not close your eyes."
She sounded just as she would if she was yelling at him for anything else. The only difference were the tears filling her eyes.
"Beck…ett," He wheezed.
"Shut up. Just shut up." She couldn't look at his face. "I don't want to hear it. You can tell me later, alright? Later."
"Ambulance is on its way." Esposito said, kneeling next her.
She hadn't noticed that the gunshots had stopped. It didn't even register that the two people who'd been shooting at them were laying twenty feet away, both dead. Esposito was beside her, Ryan was across from her, and Castle was slipping away from her with every passing second.
The ambulance ride had been hell. The entire way to the hospital, Kate had wanted to scream at them to drive faster. Even with Esposito and Ryan as a police escort, it was taking far too long. Castle's eyes were no longer open and the paramedics just weren't doing enough. Didn't they realize who this was? That he had millions of fans all over the world? What about his family? Martha, who would lose her only son and Alexis, sweet innocent Alexis, who'd lose her father?
The machine they'd hooked him to was no longer beeping. There was one, long, flat sound ringing through the ambulance. The paramedics were panicked, speaking quickly and doing their best to revive him. Kate refused to believe that he was dying. He wasn't. He couldn't. He was Castle, for God's sake. Richard Castle couldn't die.
When they pulled up to the emergency room, she was pushed out of the ambulance and left behind as they rushed Castle into the hospital. She didn't mind. She just wanted him to live, to be alright. He couldn't die.
She wasn't quite sure how long she'd been standing there, frozen, when Esposito and Ryan approached. "Beckett, come on." Esposito spoke, and Ryan put a friendly hand on her shoulder. "Let's go inside."
She barely nodded, allowing the two boys to lead the way.
They'd only been in the waiting room for about ten minutes when Alexis and Martha came rushing in. Martha grabbed her like she was a ragdoll and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. Alexis began pacing around the room, tears already falling at an even pace down her cheeks.
The group of them set up camp, taking over almost the entire waiting room. Lanie and Montgomery both joined them as soon as they heard the news. There were no words to describe the fear inside each of them. They hadn't gotten any updates on Castle's condition. Kate could barely stand to close her eyes, her vision filled with the image of him bleeding out in front of her. The blood staining her shirt didn't help to ease her mind.
Finally, after what felt like a year, a doctor approached them.
"You're here for Mr. Castle?"
All of them were on their feet at once. Alexis gripped Martha's hand, and Kate answered. "Yes. How is he?"
The doctor locked eyes with her, then looked at the already-crying younger Castle. His eyes swept over all of them before he said in a sad voice, "We did everything that we could."
"No!" Alexis erupted, complete disbelief apparent in her wide eyes. "He's not…he can't…no!"
"Ale—," Martha started, but the younger girl pulled away from her.
"He's my dad. My dad!" She cried, staring at the doctor. "Please, no. Please say you're wrong. Please."
"I'm so, so sorry." He said. "You each have my deepest condolences."
Kate watched in silent disbelief as Martha gathered her granddaughter in her arms, the two of them sobbing together. Esposito was holding Lanie's hand, and Ryan's head hung low. The Captain looked absolutely dumbfounded.
She couldn't even think about it. Richard Castle, dead. Gone. Forever.
Kate Beckett turned and walked out of the hospital.
As soon as the cool air outside hit her, so did the tears. She let them fall, not caring who saw her fall apart. She hailed a cab as quickly as she could, gave the driver her address, and cried the entire way home.
"Hey lady, you doin' okay?" The driver asked her at some point. She ignored him.
When she got home, she stumbled through her dark apartment and fell into her bed. She curled up into a ball and allowed the absolute devastation she was feeling to take over. Castle was gone, and it was her fault. It should've been her. She didn't have thousands of fans, or a daughter. It should have been her, damn it.
The worst part of this were the regrets. She'd never get a chance to tell him how much he meant to her. She loved him, she truly did. He'd been there for her during her darkest times. He was one of the very, very few people she trusted with the information about her mother's case.
There were so many should have's. She should have gone with him to the Hamptons. She should have told him how much their undercover kiss actually meant to her. She should have told him that she loved him but was too scared to act on her feelings. They say that true love hurt's, but she had no idea it would be this much. There was a searing, aching pain in her chest. She could barely stand it.
Burying herself in her blankets, she let consciousness drift away. Whether she was falling asleep or passing out, she didn't care. She would do anything to get away from reality right now.
There was someone talking to her. That was the first thought that registered in Kate Beckett's groggy mind. She could hear a voice, gradually becoming clearer as she regained consciousness. Her chest was killing her, aching for a reason that she couldn't quite put her finger on.
"Kate? Can you hear me?"
Her eyes flickered open and closed a few times before she managed to keep them open. She took in the unfamiliar surroundings and realized that she was no longer in her bedroom. Her last memory was crying herself to sleep after she found out that Castle was dead.
Castle was dead.
Suddenly, the excruciating pain in her chest made sense.
There was a hand touching her arm, and she turned to tell the person to leave her alone. Then she met his eyes.
Richard Castle was sitting in a chair next to her bed, looking tired and unshaven and scared. His face lit up when their gazes connected.
"Kate, thank God!"
"You have no idea how terrified I was. I thought you were going to die, Kate. Don't you ever take a bullet for me again." His hand found hers, and he laced their fingers. "How are you feeling?"
"I…what?" She choked out.
Castle had been dead last night. Kate was pretty sure you couldn't come back from the dead in the real world.
"Does your chest hurt a lot?" Castle rephrased his question. "I can get the nurse to give you more pain meds."
"No, I mean…you, you were dead." She tried to sit up, but hissed in pain when she moved.
"Easy." Castle's hands fluttered over her, useless. Then he realized what she said. "What are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?"
The fog that seemed to be surrounding her brain was beginning to lift. She still felt somewhat out of it, but not nearly as much as before. Memories that she wasn't aware she had were beginning to filter back into her mind. She could see Castle's face hovering above her, yelling her name. Her head was spinning.
"I asked first." He grinned his boyish oh-so-Castle grin, and it hit her. Him dying, it had been a dream. A horrible, horrible nightmare.
"I thought you were dead." She sat up easily, careful not to make any sudden movements. "I-I watched you die, Castle. Your blood was on my hands."
"I'm not dead." He stared into her eyes. "And I was the one with your blood on my hands."
"But I thought you were." Tears sparkled in her eyes. "You died and I never got to tell you anything. And Alexis, and Martha…God, Castle. I think you should stop shadowing me."
"Not gonna happen." He brushed her off. "What do you mean you never got to tell me anything?"
"Nothing." Suddenly, she realized what she was doing and looked away. She wasn't about to pour her heart out to him.
She met his eyes, and the pain of believing he was dead hit her once again. All of those things that she should've told him, all of the regrets she'd have if he actually was dead.
"I wish I would've gone to the Hamptons with you." She blurted. "I even broke up with Demming for you, Castle. When I thought you were dead I realized how many regrets I'd have. I...I really like you."
Choosing to leave the Hamptons conversation for another time, Castle went with the simplest answer he could come up with. "I really like you too."
"I know exactly what you mean, and I mean the same thing." He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "If you knew how terrified I was…,"
"Have you ever heard that saying, true love hurts?"
She placed her hand on the bandage on her chest. "I think it's true."
He smiled. If all it took for Kate Beckett to realize her feelings was a near death experience, then they should've been married already.
"I know it is."
A/N: I know, I know. The ending wasn't very good. If you didn't get it, the entire beginning was a dream that Kate was having because she was the one who actually got shot. Also, I'm sorry if the formatting is all wacky. Document manager was being a pain. Please review :)