Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z. There is a mention of "Doctor Slump" as a tribute to Toriyama's other work, but he is an original character in which I could not think of an original name for. Other than the name, he is not affiliated or intended to represent the "Dr. Slump" series. Given that I have never seen the manga or series, I apologize in advance if I butchered the Dr. Slump series in any way.
Also, my apologies if I get any medical knowledge wrong.
WARNING - THIS STORY CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL AND HEAVY SEXUAL REFERENCES. Also, CRACK. The metaphorical kind.
Bulma nervously scratched the leather of the steering wheel as she rounded the final corner required to reach the hospital. From the corner of her eye, she snuck a peek at her husband in the passenger seat. She realized that in all the years she had known him, this was the first time he wasn't sitting in his usual stance; straight back, arms firmly crossed (unless he was eating of course), with a
regal deposition about him that was serious, poised, and gave everyone that "fuck off" impression without needing to express it in words.
Instead, the heiress' husband sat slightly hunched over, eyes hooded with a thin layer of sweat covering his entire body. His left arm was bent over his knee to support himself, and his right hand gripped the armrest with such vice that she could hear metal and synthetic material bending around his fingers. Clearly, his teeth were clenched from the pain, and she was able to see his jawbone twitching every few seconds from the slow grinding of his teeth.
Over their many years together as enemies, lovers and husband and wife, Bulma had trouble convincing herself that her husband wasn't a self-destructing, diabolical maniac. As he trained and obsessed about being the strongest, he had submitted himself to Capsule Corp's private medical wing regularly with dislocated limps, cracked bones, broken facial parts, internal bleeding, cuts, burns and bruises. And he never seemed phased by any injury, other than the fact that it was inconvenient that he would have to heal before going back to the Gravity Room at full force.
And yet, she had never seen him in so much pain...and a part of her died inside knowing she was the cause of it.
"We're getting close to the hospital. Should only be another minute or two," she tried to break the silence but didn't get so much as a grunt. She made a second attempt at conversation. "Vegeta, I...I didn't mean to. You know I was just trying to-"
"Save it. It's pretty clear what you were trying to do, vile woman. I don't need to hear it!" He had intended to be more harsh with his tone, but it was difficult considering the pain he was in. "I don't even know why we need to go to this blasted hospital!"
"You know we tried everything we could back at Capsule Corp and nothing worked." Bulma turned into the hospital parking lot and looked for the proper loading area where she would be able to capsulize her car. "Doctor Slump is the only physician I trust, and is willing to treat you Saiyans. Just let him have a quick look at you, and he'll know what to do. He might even just write up a prescription that'll make you feel better."
"THE LAST thing I need, is a fucking prescription." Vegeta was slightly more successful in having venom in his voice, and would have continued with a verbal holocaust had he not been interrupted by the capsule car violently drifting around a corner and screeching to jerky halt. Vegeta had ridden in unstable spaceships that had barely survived catastrophic meteor showers, but nothing affected his blood pressure as much as Bulma's driving.
"Well, we're here. Let's go see the doctor." When he didn't reply, Bulma got out of the car and went around to open the passenger door. But Vegeta still remained seated. "Vegeta? Let's get a move on."
Vegeta slowly straightened his posture to face to his wife with a noticeable twitch in his left eyelid and blood vessel pulsing on his forehead.
"No? Vegeta, if it's your high and mighty pride that's keeping you from seeing a doctor, then you should have said so before we drove all the way out here!"
"Woman, I can't."
Bulma blinked. Never before had she heard the Saiyan Prince admit that he wasn't able to do something.
"What do you mean you can't? Come on, I already called the hospital and they have a room prepared for you. Dr. Slump is just finishing up with a patient and will be there in-"
"No, Bulma. I cannot, physically, get out of the car." The look in his eye said told her that if she said anything to provoke him, mother of his child or not, he would blast her to smithereens.
"Um, okay. Should I get a wheelchair?"
"Are you insane? I will not sit in a device intended for the dying, old and weak!" Again, he tried his hardest to sound angry, but exhaustion and pain were clearly taking a toll on him.
"Well it's not like I can carry you myself. Are you really not able to walk?"
Vegeta paused and looked down to consider his body's condition. The fact that he even had to think about his answer was humiliating to the Saiyan warrior, but at this point, he couldn't lie to his body's responses without causing permanent damage. He shook his head instead of verbally admitting to it. Bulma bit the nail of her thumb as she contemplated a solution.
"I know!" Bulma bent to give her husband a quick kiss on the temple. "I'll be right back!" Before she made a B-line for the hospital entrance, she carefully closed the door of the vehicle, slightly muting the profanity and death threats that expelled from Vegeta's mouth.
At least he got the venom in his voice back.
Much to Vegeta's complete embarrassment, Bulma had scurried off to get the assistance of several female nurses to help him out of the car, into the hospital and finally settled in his assigned room. Some expressed interest to continue aiding the prince, but the blue-haired scientist had threatened them with some inventive descriptions of mutilation, which Vegeta secretly took a note of in case he ever decided to turn evil again. Not that he would after the whole Majin fiasco, but it was the mark of a true warrior to always be prepared.
It wasn't long before Doctor Slump entered the room with Vegeta's file. The file did not hold a lot of information since the Saiyan usually refused testing and treatment outside of Capsule Corp, but the doctor needed as many resources as possible to deal with this particularly difficult patient.
"Thank you so much for seeing us on short notice, Doctor". Bulma shook the older man's hand and gestured to her husband. "You know there's no other doctor I trust to look at Vegeta." Nor is there any other doctor willing to put up with his insane fucking attitude. The latter comment she kept to herself.
"Good morning, Bulma." He nodded at Vegeta to greet him, knowing that he wasn't fond of such formalities. He looked over his patient to try to see what the problem was. Surprisingly for the Saiyan warrior, there wasn't any blood on him, but he did look like he was in a lot of pain. "Vegeta, you're looking quite pale. What seems to be the problem?"
"Erm..." Bulma glanced at Vegeta; jaw still clenched tight and fingers fisting the sheets of the hospital bed he sat on. Walking over, she removed the jacket that she had draped on his lap earlier and lifted the hem of his hospital gown. "That. Is the problem."
And there, protruding from the Saiyan prince's crotch, was a veiny, nearly purple erection that while impressive, looked extremely painful.
"A-ah." The doctor removed his glasses to wipe at the lenses, needing to temporarily distract himself to keep his composure. That certainly explained all the giggling nurses in the hallway.
"It hasn't gone away in over 14 hours!" Bulma looked more distraught than the victim in question. "And we've tried everything to make it go away!"
"Of course we've tried sex! Every position and form of foreplay that we could think of. But my orifices can only take so much!"
"Vulgar woman," Vegeta muttered. If he had any blood to spare, he might have blushed at her comment.
Doctor Slump finally finished cleaning off his lenses and put his glasses back on. Opening Vegeta's file, he looked through the notes he had.
"Do you have any idea why he's sustained an erection for so long?"
"Because," Vegeta growled darkly. "The woman is a fucking idiot." He brought the hem of the patient gown back down. The tent it created looked like it could have supported a circus, but it was better than being out in the open.
"I might have slipped some sildenafil citrate into his dinner last night," Bulma mumbled, looking down and looking red. The doctor blinked, ignoring Vegeta's background comments about the evil bitch nympho who attempted to poison him.
"Well, yes and no. I didn't have a prescription so I wasn't able to buy the brand stuff, so I had some made at the chem lab at work." While she started to find the floor tiles extremely interesting, the doctor made some notes in Vegeta's file.
"Strength and dosage?"
"Um! Yeah, about that." Bulma scratched the back of her head in a very Goku-like manner. "Since I didn't have a prescription and it was my first time making the stuff, I was kinda experimenting and forgot to keep track of that. So, I have no idea."
"Some fucking genius you turned out to be," Vegeta snorted.
"HEY BUSTER! I am a genius when it comes to mechanics, computer science and engineering! Not pharmacology! And the fact that I was able to reproduce it the first attempt without any pharmaceutical training is pretty damn impressive!" Vegeta inhaled, ready with a rebuttal but the doctor beat him to the punch.
"If you can provide the compound formula you used, I can have a lab figure out the strength you managed to make. In the mean time, could you provide any sort of estimate in terms of dosage?"
"Well, I had it in a powder form," Bulma bit her thumb nail again, a habit she developed when she had to concentrate. "But if I went through the trouble of composing it into a pill, I guess it would have been...three, four, maybe five pills?"
Doctor Slump had to put a significant amount of effort to not look surprised so that his patient would not become alarmed. He looked down at the file again.
"And I see no record of Vegeta having erectile dysfunction."
"No, he doesn't at all! He never has an issue plowing me any time of the day!" At this point, one of Vegeta's hands finally stopped gripping at the sheets to cover his face in embarrassment.
"So using the drug was out of curiosity?" In all honesty, the question was to fulfill the doctor's own, but he made it sound like it was necessary as he scribbled details into Vegeta's file.
Bulma thought about her answer. A couple years after the whole Cell ordeal, the couple finally managed to sustain a stable relationship of sorts. Since then, they had never had any issues concerning the quality or frequency of sex. The months following Kid Buu's defeat, especially after Vegeta's sacrifice and the temporary destruction of earth, made the couple even more rabid with their lovemaking.
Much to the chagrin of their young son, the couple fornicated everywhere. And while they managed to diversify so that they wouldn't get bored, years and years of frequent sex made Bulma run out of ideas. Although Vegeta tried his best to not participate in earth rituals, the night prior was what Bulma would have considered their anniversary. And to Bulma, their first anniversary after dying months prior had to mind-boggling and memorable. Considering that Vegeta was fighting dizzy spells from the lack of blood in his brain, and that he would never be able to forgot the situation even with intense therapy, Bulma was successful. As Bulma got lost in her thoughts and failed to reply to the doctor, he continued.
"Even with erectile dysfunction, 3, 4 and especially 5 pills is a very heavy amount to consume. We don't know the strength that you managed to create, but even at a low concentration it would be a significant amount. Especially if he didn't need it in the first place, well, you already know the results. If you don't mind my asking," the doctor made sure to keep a very personal tone of voice and to avoid eye contact with the alien on the hospital bed. "How long did you try intercourse for to resolve the...predicament?"
"Well at first it seemed normal. We went at it for about 3 hours before I started chafing and getting really sore, and lubrication can only do so much! So I tried oral, but after a while a girl has to worry about getting lock jaw. So we had to take turns using our hands for a while before I was ready to go again, but then after a bit Vegeta starting chafing badly himself, and the little guy got all raw so we had to try-"
"WOMAN!" Vegeta promised himself: if he didn't die from blood loss by the end of the night, he would learn how to sew just so he could stitch Bulma's mouth shut for eternity. "He asked for a TIME. Not for excruciating detail!"
"Oh, right. I guess maybe...9 hours including foreplay. On and off, not including my nap."
"9 hours," the doctor repeated, marking that down in the file, along with Bulma's explanation verbatim. He skimmed his notes quickly before putting the file away and going into the cupboard.
"So what?" the prince was back to speaking through clenched teeth; yelling at his wife was taking a lot of energy that he didn't currently have. "Are you going to fix this cursed..thing? I don't exactly want to walk around with this all day!"
"Oh, and he couldn't even get out of the car or walk earlier, it was so bad. Poor dear." With age, Bulma was becoming more and more like her mother. Doctor Slump pulled a fresh pair of rubber gloves on and pulled a large, empty syringe out of the supply cabinet.
"Is that for some sort of medication that'll correct his blood flow to the rest of his body?" Both Vegeta and Bulma looked hopeful that the doctor might have come up with a solution.
"Unfortunately, if 9 hours of intercourse did not cause ejaculation, and the erection has been sustained for over 14 hours as you said previously, we'll have to remove the blood physically, with this." He soaked some cotton balls in alcohol before pulling up a chair and sitting in front of his wide-eyed patient. "Ummm, perhaps you would be more comfortable sanitizing the area."
"No. There is NO WAY IN HOLY HELL YOU ARE PUTTING THAT IN...IN..." Vegeta couldn't remember the last time he was so lost for words. Perhaps it was around the time that Freiza was beating him to death on Namek, right before he shot a hole through his heart. Somehow, he didn't remember being as frightened as he did at the present.
"I understand that this is not a procedure that any man wants to go through, but it is absolutely necessary," The doctor exchanged eye contact from prince to heiress before he continued. "Failure to remove blood from the penis after this long will result in permanent damage to penile tissue, if it hasn't caused damaged already. If we don't proceed, intercourse and reproduction would not be an option in the future, and in extreme cases, damages to the urethra will require a device to assist you in urination."
"FUCK THAT. THERE IS STILL NO FUCKING WAY THAT IS GOING IN MY-"
"I promise I will remove the minimal amount of blood to make the penis flaccid. It will be over before you know it."
Before Vegeta could use the little energy he had to blast the hospital to oblivion, his eyes rolled to the back his head and his body slumped forward, caught by his wife's arms.
"I knew this would come in handy sometime today," Bulma revealed a tiny syringe with remains of a mysterious liquid inside. "Homemade Saiyan tranquilizer, and the asshole says I'm not a genius!" Grabbing the cotton ball from the shocked doctor's hands, she swiped it along Vegeta's erection and gave a wink. "You only got a few minutes before he wakes up, so you better get to work and drain that puppy!" Bulma had to look out for herself after all; permanent damage to penile tissue would have been horrible for Vegeta, but even worse for herself. Cutting sex off cold-turkey especially knowing what he was capable of last night? Pfft!
The doctor made quick work to resolve the situation, helped Bulma settle Vegeta in bed for some rest, and exited the room before the Saiyan had a chance to wake up and realize what had happened.
And that, is the story of how Vegeta learned to bond with Goku over his new found fear of needles.
Kind of anti climatic, but couldn't think of a much better ending.
Reviews would be much appreciated, first B/V fic and all!
Thanks for reading!