00 - Fanfic ABCs - 00
A Code Geass Parody,
that's all in good fun, really.
"So," CC said, taking a bite from her pizza. "It's just the four of us again."
They were currently in a non-specific location the author had forgotten to get into in any great detail. But, they did have a table and they were sitting around it, so that was a start.
CC settled back back and surveyed the other girls. Kallen over there, silently cursing to herself, because, as we all know, she's a potty-mouth. And Euphy was over there looking spazzed-out with glinty roses twirling around her face. And Shirley was blushing. CC didn't really know why.
"I guess, yeah," Shirley said, putting her cheek into her palm and sighing, drawing circles on the table with the other hand. "Guh. Lelouch's never here anymore."
"Neither is Suzaku," Euphy said, joining Shirley in her sigh.
"Or Zero." That was Kallen, sounding indignant.
Then they all turned to CC, looking expectant.
CC blinked. "I'd take all three of them?"
All three assembled girls went back to pouting in their own orbits of nervous waiting. Somewhere, a non-specific clock was ticking. One of them was also tapping her foot against the floor in a steady and rather distracting rhythm.
It was Euphy who broke the silence first. "Where are they anyway?"
Kallen and Shirley looked away.
CC chewed, and swallowed. "They're probably having sex in some fanfic right now."
Ominous silence reigned over the quartet.
"But," Euphy said, wrinkling her nose, "they're not gay."
"Well," CC said, "they are now."
"It makes no fucking sense at all, you hear me? Fucking sense at all!" Kallen boomed for no discernable reason, jumped up from her table, shadow-boxed, then sat down again. "Sorry, out of character moment. Anyway, that makes no sense at all – he was attracted to me."
Shirley blinked. "And to me?"
"And to me?" Euphy joined the blinking.
Kallen snorted. "Not to you, princess."
"Oh honestly," Euphy huffed. "You and your oversized water ballons that you call your - "
"Careful there," CC interrupted. "People might think you have UST."
Shirley blinked. "And that is...?"
"Unresolved," CC took another bite, because she was CC and CC was always eating pizza, right? "Sexual tension," she finished after a chew and swallow.
Kallen stared at her. "We do not."
"Everyone ships enemies together. Harry and Draco. Sephiroth and Cloud." She shrugged. "Suzaku and Lelouch."
Realization sank in around the table.
Shirley fidgeted on her seat. "What can we do about it?"
Something flashed behind CC's eyes. "We could go take a look?"
All three other girls perked up.
The four girls found themselves in another non-descript room of some sort. They had teleported there after CC had extracted a scroll from her wallet, upon which FANFIC DRAFT #1 had been written in large block letters. One single touch of had made the girls feel like they were ripped apart and sent through space and time. Which they might have. We're not sure.
"Wow," Shirley said, looking around and studying the room. "Where are – " She froze in mid-sentence. "It's Lelouch!"
The girls snapped around to see Lelouch strolling into the room. Only –
"That guy doesn't look much like Lelouch," Kallen said.
"Not... all that much like I remember him, either," Euphy said, wrinkling her nose.
The man who had walked into the room was magnificent. He wore a tight black vest that was unbuttoned at the throat, revealing a strip of hardened pale skin. There was also a rose in his teeth for some reason.
"Suzy," he boomed. "Come over here and let me fuck you against the wall."
Shirley blushed horribly. Kallen let out a sound of disgusted anger. Euphy seemed torn between giggling and bouncing on her toes.
"Let me introduce you," CC said sullenly. "This is Seme-Lelouch."
"Sem-what?" Shirley asked, wrinkling her nose.
CC shook her head. "You'll see."
From the other end of the room, another boy stumbled into the room, one that assembled girls immediately recognized as –
"Suzaku," Euphy breathed. "He's here. Heeey!" she waved. "Heeey. Suzaku!"
He didn't look at her. He only came running to Lelouch and kneeled in front of him. His hair was very tousled. And his eyes were about twice their usual size. Also, he was blushing.
"It doesn't seem like he can hear you, princess," Kallen said snidely.
Euphy shot her an evil look, then tried to catch his attention a few more times before giving up.
"Kallen's right," CC said. "He can't see or hear you."
"Why?" Euphy asked, eyes widening.
"I don't think you exist in here," CC said. "Also, he's Uke-Zaku."
"Oh." Euphy lowered her hand, looking crestfallen.
In front of them, Lelouch said, "There you are, my little lap dop." He let out a bellowing laughter. "Just in time to fulfill my," his voice lowered, growling seducitively, "needs."
"Oh, Zero," Suzaku breathed, eyes wide and blush high. "What lewd sexy-sexy little game of your exquisitely oh-so-very-titillating fantasy will you subject me to today?"
"I'll whip you, because you're a masochist," Lelouch said. "And I top. Because I'm taller. Disregarding the fact I have the stamina of an asthmatic toddler."
"That makes sense, my Lord," Suzaku said submissively.
"Why is Lelouch growling like that?" Kallen asked.
CC shrugged. "Looks like this author has a thing for Fukuyama's voice."
"Whip me, my Lord," Suzaku was begging, wiggling his behind in the flight suit he was wearing for no apparent reason. "Whip my precious behind until I bleed."
"Aaaand Suzaku's butt," CC added tonelessly.
"I think I've seen enough of this," Kallen said, looking vaguely ill.
"Yeaah," Shirley added.
CC nodded. "On to the next part then."
Another scroll and another bout of time-space mendy-bendy shenanigans, the four girls found themselves in yet another room. Suzaku and Lelouch (or whatever they were now) were there, and this time, the girls realized, they realized they were in a classroom. Though it was notably missing tables, chairs, walls, or people other than the two boys.
"Ashford Academy," CC said wistfully. "Where nobody checks the classrooms to see if anyone's screwing in them."
"Are these two Suzaku and Lelouch now?" Shirley said, peeking at the two boys standing in front of the teacher's desk, dressed in school uniforms.
That was when Lelouch started speaking. "Oh, Suzaku. You bad, bad boy. How dare you touch my virgin boy parts."
CC shook her head. "Looks like we've just met Seme-Zaku and Uke-Lelouch."
Kallen gawked at them. "Okay, at this point it might be stupid to ask, but." She licked her lips. "Why... why is Lelouch crying?"
"He's uke here," CC said. "That's what they do. When they're not busy blushing." She pondered that statement. "Although it works well in combination, too."
"Lelouch," Suzaku said, snapping the girls' attention back to them. "Don't be like that. Let me touch you. Let me make you feel good." Then he touched him there. The author insisted it was a 'manhood,' but CC chose not to relay that bit of information.
"No," Lelouch whimpered. "Don't do this to me. No, S-Suzaku. Oh what is this I'm feeling? I'm so hot and I never felt like this before. What are you doing to me, Suzaku?"
"Lelouch, it's gonna feel sooo good," Suzaku drawled, moving in on the shaking, crying, blushing, and drooling Lelouch. "Let me handle this."
"No," Lelouch moaned, fingers threading through Suzaku's hair. Snot was running down his nose and down his jaw. "No – no – oooh. These feelings and these emotions, my god, what - "
Shirley hit her face.
Euphy said, "I'm pretty sure Lelouch knows what sex is even if he hasn't had any."
"Logic," CC said. "Unfortunately they don't sell it at Wal-Mart."
Pensive silence settled over the foursome.
CC shook her head and turned around from Seme-Zaku fucking a whimpering Uke-Lelouch against the table. "Let's go back, girls."
They were back in the room now, sitting quietly at the tables.
"And that," CC said, "is what the boys are doing when they're not here."
Baffled silence reigned.
"That was -" Shirley started.
"Pretty ridiculous?" Kallen interrupted. "God, yeah."
"There are perks to being overlooked in fandom," CC said.
"Well, fuck," Kallen said, because Kallen had big boobs and that made her a potty-mouthed slut. "What can we do about it?"
"Nothing much, I'm afraid," CC said, eating pizza. While hugging Cheese-kun. Who had magically appeared in her arms. Because she needed to be eating pizza and hugging Cheese-kun every time she was mentioned. In any fic ever. "Wait until the writers are done with them? I don't know."
"Here's a thought," Euphy said.
Three pairs of eyes trained on her.
She blushed. "Um – I was thinking. Well." She fidgeted. "I was thinking if the boys are, um, busy, we could – just entertain ourselves?"
Everybody glared at her.
Euphy sank deeper into her chair. "Or not."
"The fuck?" Kallen said eloquently.
CC shrugged. "It's worth a shot, I guess. Euphy, you make out with Kallen." She looked at Shirley. "That makes you and me."
Shirley blinked. "That makes no sense at all."
CC looked at her. "Shirley," she asked seriously. "Does anything you've seen today make the slightest bit of sense?"
The girls fell quiet, considering it.
Then, CC stood up, went over to Shirley, and kissed her on the mouth before she could protest.
That left Euphy and Kallen. Who were glaring at each other. Daggers. That's how dramatic it was. Mostly because the author didn't have enough experience to come up with anything other than cliched phrases. But, moving on -
And then, Kallen sighed, cursed a few more times, and said, "Well, might as well," and went over to kiss Euphy.
And somewhere, in an alternate dimension, Lelouch and Suzaku woke up. Naked.
They were used to this by now, so they mututally decided to forego the obvious – screaming and covering their man bits – and got up to get dressed, very careful not to look at each other.
"Sometimes I'm not sure the mind-raping will ever stop," Suzaku sighed, slipping into his pants. "It's been going on for years."
"Tell me about it," Lelouch said. "It's not getting any easier. My ass hurts."
Suzaku frowned. "I'm sorry."
Lelouch shrugged with the sigh of an old man. "It's not your fault, Suzaku. It's Seme-Zaku's." He winced as he bent down. "God, they insist on making me a virgin every single day."
"Mary wished she knew your trick," Suzaku sighed.
"She should have starred in a boy love-baiting anime then," Lelouch said caustically.
Suzaku laughed. "Hey. Hey, Lelouch – remember... the girls?"
Lelouch stood, and frowned. "You mean the ones we were in love with before the mind-raping started?"
"Yeah, them. Euphy, and Shirley, and -"
"Kallen. And CC," Lelouch finished.
Suzaku smiled wistfully. "Man, the days of vaginas and soft curves."
Lelouch thought. "Why don't we go... visit them?"
Suzaku thought about this for a moment, then broke into a smile. "That's a great idea."
And so, when Lelouch and Suzaku showed up at the table, they found Shirley and CC kissing passionately against a wall, and Kallen and Euphy locked in a tight embrace right on top of said table.
For a moment, both of them just gaped.
Lelouch found his voice first. "Hey, girls. Girls." He waved his hand. "Hey!"
Shirley noticed them then, turning her face away from where it had been busy suckling on CC's nipple. "Lelouch. What are you doing here? You're gay."
"What?" Lelouch's face fell. "No. I'm not. I was clearly attracted to you. I liked kissing you, remember? I was going to date you. I am not -"
"It must be an illusion," CC said, staring at them. "They appear to be back to normal."
"Look, girls," Suzaku said, trying to be diplomatic (also, trying very hard not to look at all the naked boobs in the room), "It's just a misunderstanding. Lelouch and I are friends. Friends."
Shirley frowned, which in itself was an achievement since she currently had her face half-buried between CC's breasts. "Friendship doesn't exist. If you care about each other, then clearly you must want to have sex with each other."
"What?" Suzaku frowned. "No, look - look, it's not like that. We just - "
"Don't mind Shirley," CC said, panting. "It looks like she adopted fandom logic."
Lelouch and Suzaku shook their heads. Then looked at each other. Meaningfully.
If this were a yaoi fic, they would have started to kiss passionately at this point.
Since this isn't, Suzaku shook his head, and said, "Let's go grab a beer, man."
"Yes," Lelouch said, looking pale. "That is an... excellent idea indeed. Though let's make it beer for you and wine for me."
Suzaku nodded. "Lots of it."
"Yes," Lelouch agreed with another look just as Shirley screamed in orgasm, "lots and looots of it."