A/N: Okay, so this was supposed to be the next chapter of Phases of Accidia, but as I started typing it, I realized that it was more Fran-centric, and I liked it better that way. So, I'm posting it as a separate one-shot for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Sushi*Bomb does not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Yeah yeah, rub it in why don't you? I also don't own Domino's Pizza.
Will That Be Paper or Plastic?
Lussuria looked through the kitchen cabinets with the barest hint of a pout forming on his glossed lips.
The martial artist closed that cabinet and opened the one immediately to the right of it.
Lussuria placed his hands on his hips in frustration, absently blowing an errant strand of pastel green hair out of his perfectly tanned face. Deciding to give it one more try before calling it quits, the flamboyant sun guardian sauntered over to the refrigerator with a growing sense of foreboding.
He already knew that the fridge was as desolate as the past fourteen cabinets he had searched in order to whip up lunch for everyone, but Lussuria, ever the optimist, decided it couldn't hurt to take a peek. He gripped the handle of the refrigerator door, opening it slowly and peered inside and sighed.
As expected, the appliance was as dismally barren as the cabinets. All he found inside was a carton of (broken and/or rotten) eggs, a container of leftover fettucine he had made at least three months ago, a half-gallon of milk which, by the way the container appeared bloated, was apparently so rotten it had gone and pasteurized itself, a half-eaten waffle, and an orange all the way in the back with some sort of mold colonizing over it's surface.
Lussuria made a disgusted face.
He needed to make a trip to the supermarket. As if in agreement, the milk carton promptly burst, spilling clumpy milk and other juices all over the inside of the refrigerator, as well as on Lussuria's brand new slacks. The Muay Thai fighter's shoulders visibly sagged.
Right after he cleaned up the fridge and himself, of course.
"…Domino's Pizza! Now made with REAL cheese and REAL tomatoes! Blahblahblah…"
"What the fuck, are they for real?" Belphegor grunted out, readjusting his position on the long couch in the upstairs lounge he and Fran were currently occupying, as they had nothing planned for the day.
Squalo and Levi had gone out on assignment together, something about an arrogant young drug lord over in Florence that had tried to pull a fast one over the Vongola, and needed to be dealt with or something like that. Neither of the two had been paying any particular attention when Squalo had shouted this information at them the night prior, or when he had repeated himself loudly before stomping out the door early that morning with Levi following shortly after.
With their second in command gone for the day, Belphegor immediately tossed his pile of half-complete mission reports in a random drawer in his office and parked his ass in front of the television. Fran had meandered in shortly after, apparently feeling bored. And right in front of the TV is where they remained from the time they woke up until now.
Belphegor had of course laid claim to the entire length of the opulent sofa, stretching out lazily. Fran had shrugged and planted himself on the recliner placed adjacent to the sofa.
"What're you bitching about, fake prince-sempai?" Fran asked dispassionately without glancing up from his book.
"This stupid ass commercial, that's what." Belphegor snapped, pointing at the TV. Fran glanced up to look at the television.
"What's stupid about it?"
"Didn't you hear what the announcer guy just said?" The mist guardian shrugged.
"No, what'd he say?"
"Domino's Pizza! Now made with REAL cheese and REAL tomatoes! That's such shitty advertising. It irritates the crap out of me." Belphegor shouted, imitating the announcer's rather irritating voice in a grossly exaggerated manner. Fran rolled his eyes.
"It's a commercial you dumb fallen prince, get over it." His answer was a triad of knives in his hat. The Varia illusionist sighed glumly as he plucked the daggers out, bent them, and dropped them on the floor before returning to his book. Belphegor felt a nerve pop up on his temple at the younger assassin's cheek, but otherwise said nothing about it.
"You don't find that weird at all? Every time I hear it, I wanna punch somebody."
"And by 'somebody,' you mean me, right Bel-sempai?" Fran asked quietly while turning a page in his impossibly thick novel.
Belphegor just smiled his trademark smile as he nodded slowly.
"Good thing my uncute kohai knows his place in the world. Alright stupid Froggy, since you obviously have shit in your ears, I'll break it down for you. The guy on the commercial said that Domino's makes their pizza with REAL cheese and REAL ingredients now, right?"
"Yeah, so?" The ripper prince frowned, glaring hard at the mist guardian under his veil of golden hair.
"So what the hell were they using before?"
"…" Fran glanced up from his book with an odd look on his usually blank face. Belphegor understood that to mean that the younger Varia officer saw his point.
"See? Isn't that retarded?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually agree with you."
Meanwhile, Lussuria was on the hunt.
"Oh where on Earth could those two be? I need their help with the grocery shopping~!" Lussuria whined as he closed the door to yet another empty room. He had been searching for Belphegor and Fran for over twenty minutes now, and so far, the gaudy martial artist had seen neither hide nor hair of either of them.
Suddenly he heard voices.
Aha! He thought to himself triumphantly. They're in the lounge! Of course! Squ is out on assignment, so naturally Bel is going to neglect his paperwork to watch TV while he's gone!
The familiar voices grew marginally louder and more distinct the closer he got, until he could hear the two men perfectly from the other side of the lounge's ornate wooden doors.
"Of course you do, Ushishi~! I am a genius prince, after all. But seriously, what the fuck do they make their pizzas with?"
"The flesh and blood of aborted fetuses." Fran said dryly.
Lussuria smiled fondly. What a vividly macabre imagination Fran has! No wonder he's such a brilliant illusionist~!
"Damn, that's kinda sick Froggy, Ushishi~!" He heard Bel say. Fran made a noncommittal noise.
"Sempai, have you ever eaten Domino's pizza? It tastes like butthole with tomato sauce. It might as well be dead babies, because I bet they'd taste just as crappy. I'd rather eat chalk."
"I have too, stupid toad. It's not that bad!"
"Well you are a fake prince, sempai. Nothing's beneath you I guess. Even fetus pizza."
Lussuria chuckled quietly at the sound of knives whizzing through the air as he turned the door knob. The two occupants inside paused their nothing if not morbid conversation, as well as their (their as in Bel's) knife-throwing to look at the newcomer.
"Yo." Fran said casually as he yanked twelve of Belphegor's knives out of his arm and hat, and nonchalantly chucked them all out the window, earning him a scathing glare from the ripper prince.
"Do you boys have anything planned for today?" Lussuria began pleasantly. Belphegor shook his mop of blonde hair, trademark grin wide on his face as he tossed and caught the remote.
"Nope, Shishi~! Just gonna kick back and watch TV all day long. Why?"
"Well, we have no food, so I was wondering if the two of you would mind accompanying me to the supermarket and help me do the grocery shopping. Pretty please with sugar on top~?"
Belphegor turned away from the TV, lips puckered in a most unsightly manner.
"Grocery-shopping? You expect Prince Belphegor to do commoner's labor?" Lussuria pouted at the young royal's snobbish answer.
"Oh come on Bel~! You live here too! And you eat a lot! So you should help!"
The blonde gasped, clearly offended.
"The prince does NOT eat a lot! Take that back!"
Fran cleared his throat, shaking his head in disagreement.
"Bullshit. Sempai, you eat more than everyone else combined!"
"Yes you do. Everytime I see you, you're eating something different. And you always eat the weirdest crap too. Like last night, you ate a whole plate of sugar cookies, a foot long sub, a bowl of sliced cucumbers, a jar of almonds, and half-gallon of strawberry gelato. And you were still hungry afterwards. God, what are you pregnant or something? Or is that the 'fallen prince' diet?"
The ripper sputtered indignantly, glaring daggers at the minty-haired youth casually draped across the recliner with his legs dangling over the sides.
"Well Fran, not everyone can survive on carrots and chocolate pudding like you."
Fran didn't miss a beat.
"Well Belphegor, if it wasn't for the fact that you clearly have some sort of intestinal parasite that forces you to compulsively shove food into your face, perhaps you could."
"Oh sure, I wanna be just like Froggy. I wanna go outside and eat leaves off of a tree like a giraffe."
Fran ignored the retort, nonchalantly flipping to the next page of his book before continuing.
"And you're wasteful. If you could actually make a sandwich on your own, we'd still have bread. But since you're obviously so mentally impaired you can't manage something as simple as cutting the crust off two measly slices of bread without messing up somehow, we don't."
Belphegor seethed at the younger man, a shiny new set of knives materializing out of nowhere in his slim hand.
"Who're you callin' impaired you little shit?" He ground out through clenched teeth.
Fran looked up at him coldly.
"See? You are impaired. You obviously have some sort of hearing deficiency as well." He quipped sardonically as he earmarked his book and set it down on the glass coffee table a couple of feet away.
Before the egotistical blonde could launch himself at the snarky illusionist, Lussuria stepped in between the two of them.
"Oh my, please don't kill each other! Then who is going to drive me to the store!" Lussuria whined. Belphegor pursed his lips, still peeved at the mist guardian, who was just staring at him with his usual deadpanned expression. But he realized Lussuria was right. Besides, he would be hungry in an hour or two, and if the mansion was completely devoid of food, Prince the Ripper was not going to be a very happy camper, and when Prince the Ripper is unhappy, people tend to die. (Not that they didn't die before, mind you, they just die in a greater volume.)
The blonde scoffed, crossing his arms in a huff.
"I'm a prince. I can do what I want. Besides, I'm a growing boy."
"Sempai, you're twenty-three."
"Would you shut the fuck up already?" The blonde snapped.
"You should go Bel-sempai."
"You have to come too."
"Why? All I eat is carrots and pudding. I don't need to be there to watch Lussuria-san buy those two things." Fran said mockingly.
"It would be nice if you came too, Fran honey~! That way you can pick out whatever you want. Besides, I think out of the three of us, you're the only one licensed to drive."
Fran looked pensive for a moment. After a minute or two, the mist illusionist shrugged.
"It's not like I've got anything better to do, other than sit here and stare at the fake prince's ugly mug. Yeah, why not?"
Belphegor's smile tightened at the 'ugly' part, but thankfully chose not to further instigate any sort of violence.
"The prince calls shotgun!"
After much bickering, many crude death threats, and dry, sarcastic responses, the three hitmen found themselves in the spacious garage underneath the Varia mansion. The varia commanders all walked in relatively comfortable silence past the myriad of pricey exotic cars, both from their native Italy as well as from neighboring countries. Upon spotting his car Fran, if it wasn't for the fact that he was supposed to be the calm, emotionless one of the group, would have broken out into a sprint.
He hadn't been allowed to drive for over a year after an unfortunate run-in with the Italian Highway patrol, and he was literally itching to get behind the wheel and break some laws again. He strode over to the white BMW coupe he had dubbed as his when he first joined the elite assassination squad with a lusty twinkle in his eyes.
"Hey baby, it's been a while…" He whispered, running his fingertips over the polished hood of the sports car. Lussuria and Belphegor glanced at each other.
"Bel, is he talking to the car?" Lussuria whispered, looking uncharacteristically creeped out. The slasher prince shrugged disinterestedly.
"He always does this. Froggy's got a total boner for that car. It's because he was poor growing up, and now that he has nice cars at his disposal, he's gone nuts. Ushishi~!"
"Like you're one to talk about 'going nuts,' Bel-sempai." Fran said flatly as he walked over to the key rack and snatched the key off, ignoring the prince's snappy retorts.
"Well, let's get going." The mist illusionist said rather hurriedly as he slid into the driver's seat and pushed the ignition button to start the vehicle. The engine roared to life with a smooth whir, and Belphegor stifled a laugh at the 'I just jizzed in my pants' expression on the mist guardian's face.
"Seatbelts everyone!" Lussuria prompted matronly from the backseat. The two younger hitmen rolled their eyes but did as they were told. Fran pushed a button on the steering wheel and the garage door began sliding up slowly, allowing the light of the bright Italian sun to permeate the dark room.
"Say Lussuria-san, where is the supermarket anyway?" Fran asked, revving the engine, impatiently waiting for the garage door to slide up high enough to grant him passage out onto the driveway.
"Oh it's off of Lazcano Drive and 138th Court. You have to get on the highway, - Uh Fran honey, what exactly is that?"
Fran turned from his windshield, where he was adjusting a small, beeping device.
"Oh this? This is my police radar."
"I know what it is, Fran. Why do you have it?"
"So if there are cops on the highway, I'll know. Duh." And with that, the Varia rookie shifted gears and slammed on the accelerator. Lussuria almost screamed when he heard the tires screech. Before he knew it, they were down the driveway of the Varia mansion, and out on the main road flying past everything at mach speed.
The flamboyant sun guardian held the emergency handle bar above his window, praying to every deity he could think of for him to please make it to the store in one piece as Fran skillfully weaved in and out of lanes, like he was playing a moving game of checkers.
Belphegor was nestled in the passenger seat, calmly sifting through Fran's CD collection stacked in the cup holder.
"Got anything good Froggy?" He asked curiously.
"I don' know. I have no idea what kind of music fake princes like." Fran said as he nonchalantly slid the sleek sports car into the leftmost lane, ignoring the blaring horn of an SUV he had just cut off.
"Oh this is a good band." Belphegor said jovially. He plucked the CD up out of the stack and pushed it into the CD slot on the radio and turned up the volume as high as it could go. The car began to shake with the intense vibrations of the bass of the song, nearly popping Lussuria's ear drums, as he was in the back by the speakers.
"You like this song? Wow Bel-sempai, you suck marginally less now." Fran quipped as he sped onto the highway ramp at breakneck speed, somehow merging seamlessly into the throng of fast moving vehicles without getting them killed.
"I hate it when there are so many people up on the highway." Fran said, pouting slightly. The young mist guardian sped up nonetheless, tailgating a minivan rather closely before jerking the car into the small space between the van and another car in the next lane over and speeding off.
Dear Heavens! This boy is trying to kill us! Lussuria was on the verge of hyperventilating. Fran was so reckless! The speed limit, as Lussuria had somehow properly observed as they literally flew past the sign, was only 60 mph. He looked over at the odometer. Fran was going nearly double that. And Lazcano Drive was almost twenty minutes away.
Lussuria was certain they were going to die before then. Especially if Fran cut off one more eighteen-wheeler.
"Fran!" The martial artist called to the younger man over the blaring music, but Fran didn't hear him.
"Fran, honey!" He shouted again, but to no avail. He poked the illusionist in the arm. The minty-haired youth inclined his head slightly to show that he was listening.
"Fran sweetie, could you slow down a bit? This reckless speeding is going to end in disaster!" He shouted. Fran looked a bit confused.
"What's that? You want me to go faster? Well alright." Lussuria almost cried, holding on to his now dilapidated mohawk as Fran shifted gears once again and the white beamer sped off so fast Lussuria was positive they had broken the sound barrier.
Less than eight minutes later, the car was sitting in the parking lot of the supermarket. Belphegor opened his door and calmly stepped out, stretching and smiling widely at the exhilerating experience that was Fran's driving he had just partaken in. The prince absently pushed the passenger seat forward, allowing Lussuria to come out.
Or tumble out, to be more accurate.
The sun guardian all but fell out of the vehicle, his mohawk in complete shambles.
"Lussuria-san, are you alright?" Fran asked nonchalantly as he set the alarm on once the doors of the vehicle were closed.
The sun guardian nodded slowly, still dazed.
"Fran honey, promise me one thing." Lussuria began as he stood up hesitantly, and began patting his hair back into place.
"Uh sure, what is it?"
"Can you PLEASE drive like you value our lives on the way back? I don't think my heart can take that insane speed all the way home." Fran's head tilted to the side in slight confusion.
"But you said you wanted to go faster."
"No, no, no! I said…oh nevermind."
And with that, the three made there way to the entrance of the store.
Now that his heart rate had dropped back down to safe levels, Lussuria smiled widely. He slung a muscular arm around Fran's neck, pulling the smaller man flush against his side enthusiastically while looping the other one around the blonde prince's own skinny arm.
"Oh isn't this nice, boys? We never spend anytime together! This'll be our bonding day~!" Lussuria shouted in mirth, dragging the two zestless assassins toward the entrance of the store.
"Yeah Lussuria-san, I'm so excited I could shit a wedding." Fran quipped, his tone perfectly deadpanned.
The three were blasted with the cold air of the supermarket upon entering through the automatic doors. Belphegor sighed contentedly. It was unbearably hot outside, and the material of the Varia uniform didn't exactly facilitate proper ventilation.
"Bel, can you grab a cart please?" Lussuria asked offhandedly as he went over the lengthy list of items to be purchased in his gloved hand. Fran was next to him, also inspecting the list in a semi-interested fashion.
The blonde hitman nodded dismissively.
"Yeah sure, whatever." He said, looking around for a cart and saw that there were none. His lips scrunched up in annoyance.
Goddammit. Now the prince has to go look for one. He thought irately to himself, as he stomped around the front of the store, looking for a cart. After almost five minutes of fruitless searching, he spotted one in the corner near the lottery line.
"Sweet, there's one!" He shouted excitedly to no one in particular before bounding over and gripping the handle of the cart. At the same time, a rather plump looking middle-aged man touched the cart. Belphegor jerked the cart sharply over to him.
"Excuse you, peasant. This is the prince's cart." He said snappishly. The other man snorted.
"Like hell! I touched it first!" He shouted, yanking the cart away from the prince and back to his side again. Belphegor growled.
"Let go, asshole!"
"No, you let go!"
Soon the two were engaged in a tug-o-war over this lone shopping cart. Of course, Belphegor could have just gone Prince the Ripper on the man and taken the cart through sheer intimidation, but if that thought didn't occur to the supposedly genius prince on his own, then…
Perhaps he just felt like arguing?
"My, Belphegor's taking an awful long time to grab a cart." Lussuria said, voice laced with a bit of concern. Fran shrugged disinterestedly as he inspected a box of cereal.
"That's because Bel-sempai is retarded. He probably has no clue what a shopping cart looks like."
"Hmm, we should go find him. Come on Fran!" Lussuria said hurriedly, grabbing Fran by the arm and dragging him back towards the front of the store.
Upon sighting the prince a few minutes later, the two glanced at each other in what could only be described as full-on shame to be seen wearing the same uniform as the blonde. Belphegor was still tugging relentlessly on the handle of the shopping cart, stringing together obscenities so quickly their heads were spinning. The other man also had a firm grip on the front bumper of the cart, and was also shouting rather crude insults at the maniacal royal.
"Let go of the fucking cart! It's mine!" Belphegor barked, pulling the metal cart closer to him forcefully.
"No you tiara-wearing faggot! I had it first!" The middle-aged man shouted back.
Lussuria shook his head. He looked around absently for another cart, as it appeared the two men would be there for a while. Instead of a cart however, he spotted a pyramid of canned corn, which were also discounted.
"Oh good the canned corn is on sale! Let me go grab some now before I forget! Fran, be a dear and help Belphegor, would you please?" Lussuria said before quickly scuttling away toward the pyramid.
Fran sighed. Why did he always end up having to do everything?
He strode over to the quarreling pair and calmly slapped the man's hands off of the cart.
"This is our cart douchebag. Go find your own." He said flatly, pulling the cart towards himself. The man snarled.
"What did you call me you little hooligan?" Fran stared at him blankly.
"A douchebag. Did I stutter?"
The man's face turned red with rage.
"This is my cart you fuckin' faggots! I had it first! I have kids to feed, and I'm here fighting over a goddamn shopping cart with Prince Fudgepacker!"
"Hmm…are you sure about that sir? Because from here, it looks to me like you probably ate your kids a long time ago." Fran said, jabbing the man in the stomach.
"What? How dare you-"
"This is our cart. Go be fat somewhere else."
"You little shit! Why I outta ring your neck!"
Fran raised his hands in defense.
"I think someone has a severe case of misdirected rage. It's not my fault you're four hundred pounds, divorced and living in your parent's house with your three kids, who probably hate your guts regardless of whether you feed them or not. I think we're actually doing you a favor. If you carry all of your groceries, you won't buy as much stuff, and consequently won't eat as much. Then you'll lose weight and have a better life."
The man growled, thoroughly enraged at the minty-haired youth's balls. But surprisingly, the man gave up and released the cart, stomping off in a fit and muttering about 'know it all kids these days.'
Fran turned to Belphegor.
"Ah, he clearly saw the logic in my point. Isn't that wonderful Bel-sempai? I actually helped someone today."
The ripper prince glowered angrily. He grabbed the cart away from Fran, forcefully shoving the mist guardian out of the way silently and stormed off, presumably to find Lussuria. Fran just shrugged dismissively before following after the fuming storm officer.
"Okay, so which one do you boys prefer? Reduced fat or 2% milk?"
"I like reduced fat." Fran said quietly. Belphegor just quirked a shoulder noncommittally as he compared two different brands of cream cheese.
Lussuria nodded in agreement, before placing the carton of milk in the cart. He checked off 'milk' on his list, which they were currently almost completely through. After the cart incident, the shopping process had gone by relatively smoothly, with the occasional argument breaking out between his two comrades, who for the most part, couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything. They were rather comical battles, if Lussuria did say so himself.
It was cute to watch Fran attempt to explain to Belphegor that vegetarians didn't eat grass or leaves like some sort of 'barnyard animal' as Fran had eloquently worded it. They had spent a little too much time in the produce section for the storm guardian's liking, and being obnoxious was his way of making it known that he was getting antsy.
Perhaps if they had left sooner, Belphegor wouldn't have felt the need to knock over a rather large squash that was balanced carefully on the display, and cheer victoriously when it splattered with a sickening squelching sound on the tiled floor. Needless to say, the employees in the produce department weren't very thrilled to have to clean that up.
Lussuria sighed. Honestly, the blonde could be such a spoiled brat sometimes.
But admittedly, it was downright hilarious watching the prince chase the younger Varia officer around with a packet of bologna after Fran had made an offhanded comment about where exactly processed meats such as the one Belphegor was holding came from. Lussuria just chuckled at the pair while waiting in the deli line, fetching a nice portion of filet mignon for their dinner that evening.
It never ceased to amaze the flamboyant sun guardian at how much money they spent on meat alone, nevermind the rest of the food groups. But then again, they lived in a house of grown men (or a house of raging carnivores, according to Fran) with very hearty appetites, so he supposed the excessive length of the list shouldn't have been all that shocking.
It was a very good thing their household expenses came out of the ninth's budget, because if it didn't, they would have most certainly been screwed.
"What's next, Lussuria-san?" Fran asked, tiredly draping himself over the side of the cart. Lussuria tapped the pen to his scrunched lips, scanning the list.
"Hmm, looks like that's it. The only thing left is dessert."
Fran's eyes lit up.
"Chocolate pudding." He said a little too quickly. Belphegor made a disgusted noise.
"Blech! The prince wants cake!"
"No, stupid kohai. Cake."
"Pudding. Fake prince."
"CAKE GODDAMMIT! (Stabstabstab)"
"Mou~Why not both~?" Lussuria interjected diplomatically before Belphegor had the opportunity to mortally wound Fran. The two Varia officers glanced at each other, and after a few exceptionally tense seconds, shrugged in agreement before disentangling themselves from each other's grip.
"Come on, we'll go to the bakery first, since it's right at the end of this aisle. And then we'll go grab Fran's pudding, pay, and then we can head back home~! Agreed?" Lussuria asked calmly. It was times like this when he truly felt like a mother with her two bratty sons who bickered constantly.
And with that, the deadly trio made their way to the bakery.
After an unnecessarily long decision process which was ultimately accelerated by the threat of a very unpleasant illusion concerning a fire-breathing farm animal in a banana costume that Belphegor was unfortunately well acquainted with, the prince grumpily settled on a vanilla cake with buttercreme frosting. He dumped the plastic container in the cart in a huff, ignorant of the fact that he had thrown it in upside down and thus had ruined the frosting on top, effectively smearing it across the plastic.
"Alright, let's get your fucking pudding already. The prince is tired." Belphegor snapped as they left the bakery in search of the aisle which housed Fran's favorite dessert.
Not two minutes later, he and Lussuria were standing against the opposite side of the aisle, waiting patiently (Lussuria) and grouchily (Belphegor), as Fran compared two small boxes.
"Hmm..this one is more chocolately, but this one has a smoother texture. Oh boy, decisions, decisions." Fran said idly, green eyes glancing back and forth between the two boxes. Belphegor smacked his forehead.
"For fuck's sake, it's all the same! Would you just pick one?"
"Or why not just get both?" Lussuria suggested, quickly sliding into his role as the mediator between the two, lest another argument break out. Fran scrunched his lips up in thought, before nodding.
"Yeah, I guess I could just get both." And with that, the snarky mist guardian stuck his arm behind the rows of boxes and walked along the aisle, shoveling the entire shelf's worth of chocolate pudding into the cart.
"Excuse me sir! You can't do that!" A young employee stopped in front of the mint-haired youth, a frown gracing his heavily blemished face. Fran stared at him, face expressionless.
"Sir, I apologize, but you can't just take all of the pudding on the shelf." Fran pouted slightly.
"Why not? I'm gonna pay for it."
The teenager grimaced. It was his first day on the job, and he was already dealing with wackos. The kid, whose name happened to be Duncan (A/N: Anyone remember him? Hint: There's the maniac who stole my baby! Yes, I reuse minor OCs lol), sighed in exasperation.
"That's not the point sir. We won't have another shipment of chocolate pudding in until next week, so you can't take all of it. What about everyone else?"
Fran's deadpanned expression, if possible, deadpanned even more.
"What about everyone else?" He retorted, pushing a lone box of his addiction into the cart, lip twitching when the employee's frown grew.
"Other people eat chocolate pudding too."
"Okay… here's the thing. They aren't me, so why should I care? I should be allowed to buy all the pudding if I want it."
"Well…sir, how would you feel if you wanted a box of pudding, and someone came in here and bought all of the pudding we had in stock? Wouldn't you feel horrible?"
"No. I would kill them in the parking lot and take it from them."
Duncan smiled awkwardly. Oh boy. This guy is a fucking psycho.
Belphegor and Lussuria shared a stifled chuckle at the young man's predicament. He clearly had no idea he was fighting a losing battle.
Fran sighed. How troublesome. He thought, feeling very disgruntled.
"Look. Either you let me take this pudding so I can go and pay for it like I intended to, or we burn down the supermarket and I take the pudding. Either way, I'm leaving this store with every single box in that cart. Understand?"
Fran offered his ultimatum calmly, completely ignoring the color that was rapidly draining from the young teen's face. And, as if to add the metaphorical icing on the cake, Fran's lips curled into a frightening, saccharinely sweet smile that promised an eternity of pain and regret should he make the wrong choice.
Belphegor offhandedly whispered to Lussuria then that he was really glad he came along after all. This was better than anything he could have found on the TV.
Duncan may have been a stocker at a supermarket, but he was certainly not stupid. He knew a dangerous situation when it arose. He quickly turned tail and ran into the next aisle. Fran just waved after him, still smiling that eerie little grin that resembled Bel's quite closely.
"Way to scare him shitless froggy! Ushishi~!" Belphegor said,sounding almost proud of his unwitting sidekick for intimidating the young teen with what can only be called 'Varia-Quality Creepiness.'
Chocolate pudding was serious business.
With Fran's precious chocolate addiction secured, they made their way to the checkout area. After nearly an hour and half of scanning their purchases, (Fran's pudding accounted for about ninety-two percent of that time. It takes a while to scan one-hundred and fifty something odd boxes of pudding, you know) Lussuria presented a flashy envelope with the word 'coupons!' scrawled across it in glittery pink gel ink. The cashier promptly had a nervous breakdown.
Once they found a new cashier (with less delicate nerves), and finished paying, they gathered up the multitude of bags that belonged to them, and waited outside for Fran to pull up to the curb so they could place it all in the trunk. Accomplishing that was a miracle in and of itself, since even in a parking lot, Fran was incapable of driving like a normal person, and found some way to rush the curb at nearly fifty miles an hour, effectively scaring everyone in the immediate vicinity out of the way, Belphegor and Lussuria included.
"Fran, for goodness sake! I want to get home in one piece!" Lussuria shrieked, cradling his head in a manicured hand. Fran just shrugged. The three quickly piled their groceries into the roomy trunk of the coupe.
With their purchases securely in place, the two hitmen piled into the car.
"This was nice, wasn't it? You two should accompany me more often! Oho~!" Lussuria said joyously as he reclined back against the leather seat of the car. Fran pulled out onto the main road and made a frighteningly sharp u-turn at the light, the car actually turning on two wheels.
Lussuria immediately took back what he just said.
He dearly hoped the eggs weren't smashed. But as the car fell back down on all four tires, he heard a very distinct cracking sound, and realized with a grimace, that the eggs were a lie.
That was so much fun to write. If you enjoyed it, please please please read and review! I'd love you forever if you did!
Until next time, Sushi*Bomb xoxo