Disclaimer: Hi, I'm Rick Riordan. Y'know, the author of the Percy Jackson series? I own it. Oh, wait- I'm not Rick Riordan, and I don't own PJO. Oops.
A/N: Wow, I've already got three stories out? Woah. Considering that I haven't written fanfiction in, like, a year, you'd think my creative streak would be a lot crappier than this. Anyway, I hope you guys like this.
The Olympians Attend Group Therapy
The annual Summer Solstice meeting wasn't going well. Well, no one's started a "Let's Spill Zeus's Ichor" contest yet, which never ended nicely, but that's really the only thing they weren't doing. The Olympians were currently bickering their guts out, so to speak. Zeus clutched his head in agony. Meetings with his immortal family always brought about a nasty migraine. Enough was enough, he decided. Looking at his family from his throne, he couldn't be more angered. Hera was currently in a catfight with Aphrodite ("Hera, where's my curling iron?" "I don't know!" "You took it, didn't you?" "Aphrodite, SHUT UP!" "Oh, this is Troy all over again, isn't it!"), Artemis was fighting with Apollo about her Hunters ("Stop hitting on them!" "I can't help that you pick hot Hunters, okay!"), Poseidon and Athena were being, well, Poseidon and Athena ("You're just angry because MY son saved the world!" "My daughter helped, you idiot! You're just angry because my daughter's smarter than you, your son, and your entire kingdom put together! She's much more perspicacious than anyone except myself!" "... Perspicacious?"), Demeter was scolding Hades ( "You don't deserve my daughter!" "My wife doesn't deserve you!" "And that demigod son of yours is the most annoying thing in the world. I made him cereal this morning. You know what he did, Hades? He said 'No, thanks.' He turned down cereal!" "Demeter..."), Ares and Hephaestus were arguing over (what else?) Aphrodite...
And just as Zeus began to listen in on that age-old conflict, a brilliant idea popped into his head. A terrible, brilliant, awful idea...
"I've had enough!" he exclaimed, rising from his throne as lighting cracked around him. "We, the gods, are going to learn to behave!"
"Wait... What?" Hermes said.
"You heard me, son. This has gone on for far too long, wouldn't you say? All this arguing... Is it truly necessary?"
"Yes," muttered Dionysus.
"There's only one true solution for this problem, only one... But can we pull it off?"
"Cease the drama, brother," Poseidon groaned. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about... Group therapy."
"Well, this is the place," Hera said. "Zeus, dear, is this truly necessary? I had this big party planned. I was going to turn all your mortal girlfriends into eagles and then incinerate them! I sent you the invitation, remember?"
"Hera...," Zeus said.
"Father, shall we go in?" asked an incredibly bored Athena.
"Yes, daughter, we shall."
And with that, the Olympians entered through the expensive-looking glass door.
After walking in, the Olympians were greeted by a nice-looking waiting room. Zeus went up to sign all the gods in while the remaining deities picked up a magazine or two and began to read... Except for Apollo, who was playing with the plastic childrens' toys in the corner.
"Apollo!" exclaimed Artemis. "You are such an embarrasment!"
"Do I annoy you, sis?"
"Yes, and quit calling me sis!"
"You see why we're here?" Zeus said to Artemis after prying her away from Apollo. "There's too much negative energy here. How are we supposed to run the world if we can't even stop arguing?"
"Well, we've been doing just fine for a good five thousand years... Father, are you on any new medication I should know about?" asked Artemis.
"Nope. But I've been reading these truly wonderful pamphlets about finding your mojo and being one with the world. And in order to do so, us gods have to stop arguing."
"What idiot wrote that crap?" Aphrodite exclaimed, looking up from her nail file.
"I did," a therapist said.
"Wait, how long have you been here, punk?" asked Ares.
"I've just been observing you for a few minutes. It's always a good idea to test the atmosphere. Hello, by the way. Which one of you is Mr. Zeus?"
"I am," Zeus said.
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, your room is the third door to the right. I'll be there to talk with you all in a few minutes."
"Stupid mortal," Hades muttered so no one could hear.
The gods rose from their chairs and shuffled into their assigned room. Everyone was just about ready for the horrors they were about to endure.
"Wait, where's Apollo?" asked Hephaestus.
"I think he's still in the corner," muttered Dionysus. "So immature."
"I'll go get him," Artemis groaned.
Two minutes later, Artemis returned with a pouty-looking Apollo. "Sorry it took me so long," Artemis said. "I couldn't pry him away from the toy race cars."
"Hey, one of them looked like my sun chariot! I was writing a haiku about it!" Apollo said. "You wanna hear it?"
"NO!" shouted every Olympian in the room at the same time.
"Well, here goes-
That race car was cool.
It looked like my chariot.
I am fantastic."
At this moment, the therapist walked into the room (Good timing as well, for the gods were about to break Apollo's heart with their criticism). "Hello, everyone. My name is Dr. Brown. Mr. Zeus has written out a list of problems he thinks must be solved. How about this- let's all introduce ourselves, and for our first session, we'll work on the first problem. Okay?"
"Okay," the Olympians said.
The gods then introduced themselves, saying their name and a few things they thought the therapist ought to know. Ares kindly mentioned that he liked beating the crap out of people.
"Well, Ares," Dr. Brown began, "That's not a good way to channel negative energy. But thank you for admitting you problem."
"Hey, who are you callin'-"
"ARES, SHUT UP!" yelled Demeter.
"Anyway," Dr. Brown said, trying to quickly change the subject, "Your names are all very interesting. After the Greek gods, right?"
"Er... Yeah," Hermes said.
"Are they your real names? It just seems to weird that every person here is named after a Greek-"
"She's on to us!" yelled Apollo. He then zapped Dr. Brown, knocking her unconscious.
"APOLLO!" yelled Zeus. "I was about to tell her they were stage names! Now we have to wait for her to wake up... She's only asleep, right?"
To be continued...