Super Total Drama Ed-Venture Z
An epic tale of mockery by Foolish Kev-Boy
Author's Warning: This is a parody fanfic and has been written for satirical purposes only. For those of you who don't understand the meaning of satire let me explain: This story is NOT to be taken seriously and is NOT meant to offend anyone. It merely is meant to parody the overused plots, clichés, and characters of many Ed, Edd n Eddy fanfics on the site. This story is not for the faint of heart, those with weak constitutions, or nauseous stomachs. Please note that the characters personalities in the story are greatly exaggerated for the sake of satire. One final message: If, for some reason, you disagree with the subjects lampooned in the fanfic or if you still fail to understand the meaning satire and plan on writing a heat-of-the-moment flame review, don't bother. I really, really, really, don't give a shit about your screaming, obnoxious, immature, vulgar, opinions. You have been warned so just turn away now.
Now that the weak-sauces are gone on with the story!
Chapter 1: Same Shit, Different Day
It was a seemingly normal day in the elusive suburban town of Peach Creek, New Californistan; a providence nestled between the states of Columbiana, Springfield, and Canada. A little known fact about the town is that it cannot be located on any map whatsoever, thus cleverly misleading herds upon herds of desperate geographers hoping to discover its location using the power of teh internetz.
Within the town of Peach Creek lived three boys of the same name. Eddward Marion Sobchak (who will be referred to by his preposterous last name numerous times throughout the story as an obnoxious way of yours truly to say "Heerz mai idea of what his last name shud be! LISTEN TO ME!1") rested against a tree; a copy of Popular Scientific Quantum Mechanics magazine rested against this chest while a mysterious liquid absorbed itself into the fabric of his purple pants.
Edd was the smart-ass/MacGyver/know-it-all of the bunch. He's, leik, a super genius with an IQ of over 9001 and knows how to create rockets, robots, laser weapons and time machines (his ability to create said machines will no doubt be used as a deus ex machina in a future chapter) but rather than building any of these inventions and using them for his own financial gain he decided hang around with his two idiotic friends who constantly belittle and verbally abuse him.
Don't you just feel sorry for this totally lovable character? He was, for some reason, the love interest to many, if not all, of the girls in his neighborhood. Some say the girls were attracted to his kind personality or his braniac intelligence but really it was because of his pants; those sexy purple pants. I mean what girl wouldn't want a piece of those double-d's? Oh baby. Remember kids, purple pants get you laid!
He's also probably gay. I say this because it's a little known secret between the most elite members of the fanfiction community that I will now share with you. By inserting a hint of yaoi into the story it grants you more pagesviews in the form of horny, pre-pubescent fangirls looking for some man-on-man action. You gotta love those brainless fangirls, throw them a bone and you can reap the rewards from them… Hey, if Burger King can make money off of Twilight fans then so can I!
"HEY SOCKHEAD!" shouted the short tempered, greedy, loudmouthed Eddy.
Eddy Skipper McGee (who, once again, will be referred to by his ridiculous last name numerous times) was the slave driving leader of the Eds and constantly ordered them build the products for his get-rich-quick schemes. Whenever his plans failed he would get into fits of rage and lash out against his two friends. This was most likely caused by years of built up sexual tension. Because of this, he is also probably gay (again, for the fangirls).
Edd snapped out of his post masturbational trance. "Yes Eddy?" He flinched as he said this, not wishing to be beaten.
"QUIT POPPIN' THE BALONEY AND GET BACK TO WORK!" Eddy shouted.
"I'm sorry Eddy. It's just that I was just busy reading an article about the quantum mechanics of trickle-down economics and couldn't control myself. My, I love trickle-down economics! It sounds so... erotic." Edd replied, reaching for his nerd magazine.
"I'LL TRICKLE YOUR ECONOMICS IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO WORK!" Eddy pointed over at Ed, who was standing next to a trio of vehicles.
Ed Horace Schumacher was the idiotic, open-mouth breathing, workhorse of the group. Years of exposure to comic books and crappy monster movies have taken a nasty toll on Ed's brain and have significantly decreased his intelligence (boy, the media would have a field-day with that scoop). Ed was dumber than a rock and yet was surprisingly knowledgeable in anything monster, fantasy, or videogame related. Because of his lack of intelligence in other fields, the majority of his dialogue consisted of the words buttered-toast, gravy, or some combination of the two. Ed also had a little sister who acted as if she was on her period 24/7. Because of the abuse Ed suffered (LOL, Ed Abuse) from Sarah he had a constant fear of women and avoided them all costs. This caused him to become slightly gay.
Ed rocked his head back and fourth while waving back at the two Eds.
"Ed!" Eddy shouted. "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
Ed snapped out of his trance. "I'm sorry Eddy!" he called out. "I was just daydreaming about my newest videogame! It called Super Smash Cousins! I just got it for my Nintendo Wii!"
"A WII!" hollered Eddy. "WHAT ARE YOU, A GAY 6 YEAR OLD? Whoa. All of a sudden you've turned into Jimmy!"
Edd joined in. "Actually Eddy, I too have played that game and found it to be quite entertaining."
Eddy faced Edd with his eyes wide open in disbelief. "Great, now you're getting' all Brokeback Mountain on me too! Why does it seem like everyone in the Cul-de-Sac owns a Wii. Have they not heard of the Xbox or the PS3! Mario ain't the only character out there, ya know! You guys need to knock down your false idols and recognize!"
Eddy pumped his fist into the air as sign of his cause.
Ed ignored Eddy's rant continued to drabble about his videogame. "So then I used Goku's Super Kamehameha times 50 against Mario! He dead."
Eddy became annoyed by the conversation and began to grind his teeth with the ferocity of an ecstacy addict.
Edd contributed to the conversation. "Pardon me for asking but, how is this relevant?"
Ed shrugged. "Maybe it's some sort of foreshadowing, thingy. Uh… Gravy!"
Eddy promptly ended the conversation. "Now that you two Nancies are done yappin', GET BACK TO THE SCAM!"
The Eds had set up a scam on the most overused location possible; the shores of the creek. Three vehicles set up at the waterfront. Eddy recently decided to dive into the travel industry and created "Tripple E Creek Toors!" in which the Eds would give a tour of the creek to the local Cul-de-Sac kids. To complete the cliché, the Eds had set up two boats in the water: a rickety wooden canoe and a sail boat (the Eds had borrowed it from Edd's Parent's garage. How they managed to trick his parents into using it we will never know), as well as the bonus of a fully functional airplane made from cardboard, rope, gum, and several neighborhood "For Sale" signs. Each of the three Eds would pilot the vehicles through the creek while showcasing its many features, such as the sand bar or the water… Exciting! Now, you may be asking how the Eds, all of a sudden, gained the knowledge to fly a plane or how in the world did they even manage to construct a fully functional airplane. The answer to that question, my dear readers, is... Shut up.
"ED!" yelled Eddy. "Round up the pidgeons!"
Ed ran off.
"Alright, Double D. Shut yer face and just let me do the talking." Eddy commanded.
"Of course, Eddy." He replied.
Seconds later, Ed returned with the kids.
"Greetings, fellow adventurers." Greeted Edd, against Eddy's orders. "And Welcome to Triple E Creek Tours."
Kevin butted in. "More like Triple DORK Creek Tours! Hahahahahah, DORK, it's such a funny word! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, *cough*hack* gaaah!"
Kevin clutched his chest and fell to the ground. Cause of death: lame pun overdose.
Kevin Johnson was the neighbor jock and frequently taunted the Eds with his signature catchphrase "dork" to the point where he has been forever affiliated with the word. He also hates the Eds with an EXTREME passion to the point where he has ordered several assassination attempts against them. He will probably be the main antagonist. Also, he was slightly gay.
Edd ignored Kevin's death. "As I was saying, here at Triple E Creek Tours we-" Suddenly Edd was backhanded across the face by Eddy.
"BITCH!" he shouted. "That'll teach you to step on my lines!" He continued. "As I was saying, here at Triple E Creek Tours, we'll give you the tour of a lifetime… on the creek!"
"Sounds stupid!" whined Ed's hormonally armed little sister, Sarah.
Kevin suddenly came back to life. "Ditto!" he said.
"Oh come on guys." rebutted Nazz."Like, this totally sounds like a totally safe and mildly exciting trip. Like, I'm sure nothing bad will happen to us. Like."
Nazz Van Bartonshcmeer (or was it Van Fartonschmeer? Aw, to heck it with it! It could have been Van Bartonschmegmer for all I care!) was the unobtainable love interest of he cul-de-sac and also a stereotypical dumb blonde. She will no doubt become a part of a confusing romantic love triangle (Did I say love triangle? Sorry, I meant love dodecagon) later in the story. Like the rest of the kids, she liked dudes.
"I'm with ya sister. This tour seems fabulous!" said Jimmy as he snapped his fingers three times.
Jimmy Christenson was the frail pansy of the Cul-de-Sac and acted like your stereotypical homosexual. Contrary to what we all believe, Jimmy was actually metrosexual.
Jonny eyed the plane. "Whoa! Does that plane serve granola as part of its in-flight meal!"
Jonny Grove was the baldheaded loner of the Cul-de-Sac. He frequently socialized with his only friend, a wooden board by the name of Plank. Little did they know Jonny was merely a horcrux for Plank. He was also slightly gay, after all, he was a "wood" lover.
"Granola! Oh please." Mocked Eddy. "Get a life, hippie!"
"Rolf also wishes to ride upon the Edboys flying contraption." Said Rolf. "It reminds me of the fabled Kerschmunkin of the gilded flats of my home country!
Rolf was the foreigner of the neighborhood and greatly annoyed the kids with his wacky customs. Because his culture is apparently too confusing for the average reader to comprehend, Rolf 's character will only appear in the story to spurt random gibberish relevant to a plot device from time to time but will mostly be ignored in the story. He is also slightly gay.
"Where's that?" said Edd.
"New Jersey." Replied Rolf.
"Enough talking! So are you gonna come or not!" yelled Eddy.
The kids decided among themselves to go on the tour.
"Gravy!" Ed said.
Later the kids had all piled into their designated tour vehicles. Ed, Jimmy, and Sarah piled into the canoe, Edd, Jonny and Rolf boarded the sailboat, and Eddy, Kevin, and Nazz choose to ride in the, somehow, operational airplane.
Ed began to row the boat into the creek, his weight causing the front end to rise into the air. Edd also set sail into the creek. Eddy managed to get the plane into the air using a conveniently placed runway. Edd used a Batman walkie-talkie to communicate with the other two Eds.
"Now remember you two, stay on course and don't do anything that may lead us into a much more illogical and ridiculous plot!"
"Buttered toast!" Ed shouted over the walkie-talkie. (Hereby referred to as the radio because the author is to lazy to type out walkie-talkie.)
Ed began paddling in infinite circles through the creek. Edd passed by him in the sailboat and observed his stupidity.
"Ed!" Edd shouted. "You've got to row forward! How else are we to move forward with the plot?"
"Toast!" Ed shouted from his canoe.
"NO! Forward!" Edd shouted back.
"Gravy!" he shouted back.
Edd put his palm to his face. "Good Lord. I can't believe that somebody actually used such ridiculous dialogue for Ed in their story!"
Ed finally began to paddle forward, stroking the oars back and forth with vigor.
"Mmm, yeah, stroke that oar!" exclaimed Jimmy.
Edd picked up his radio. "How are you doing Eddy?" There was no response. "Eddy?" he asked again. It wasn't until he saw a plane doing barrel roles in the sky above until he realized what Eddy was up to.
"EAT YOU HEART OUT, BLUE ANGELS!" Eddy hollered.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Nazz were not enjoying their tour.
"Knock it off, dork! I'm gonna heave!" complained Kevin.
"Like, ew!" exclaimed Nazz.
Eddy eventually stopped performing aerial stunts and the tour continued as planned. But wait! A scam in an Ed, Edd n Eddy fanfic going perfectly as planned! We can't have that now can we?
Out of nowhere the Kanker Sisters showed up in their pirate boat like the plot ruining bitches they are!
Though the Kanker Sisters were cruel, murderous, clinically insane, disgusting, registered sex offenders, and had the manners, cleanliness, and decency of a redneck; they were, in fact, utterly misunderstood. It's not their fault they're so mean! Deep down inside they're perfectly romantic women with hearts of gold, dammit! I mean, who cares if they like to torture kids and sexually harass/assault three underage boys for a living? Isn't it what's on the inside that counts? This applies to Marie especially because apparently dressing like a gothic skank makes you oh so likeable by the more naïve fans of the show. Despite EVERY SINGLE LAW OF NATURE they will be paired with the Eds later in the story as part of the previously mentioned love dodecagon. Danny Antonucci promptly hung himself after reading that paragraph.
"It's our boyfriends!" shouted the Kankers. "Lets kiss em'!"
"Son of a bitch. EVERY SINGLE TIME!" Eddy bellowed. "Can this scam be ruined any further!"
As if on cue, a violent thunderstorm rolled onto the horizon. Eddy saw the lightning and cursed to the higher authority. "FUCK YOU!"
Thunder clapped and Edd became nervous. "Darn it all. You'd think I would have checked the weather channel before setting out today."
Rolf then spoke to Edd. "Rolf has heard about strange activity occurring in open water recently. Violent weather would spontaneously occur whenever stories demand a cheap explanation of how the protagonists wind up in an alternate universe. I just now remembered this info because we are on a boat and there is strange weather drifting straight for us… This information probably would have helped had Rolf told you sooner."
"Ya think?" Edd replied.
Suddenly the waters churned with ferocity and water poured from the heavens. The boats rocked violently back and fourth while hurricane-like winds beat against Eddy's plane.
"SCREW THE TOUR, I'M HEADING BACK!" yelled Eddy.
He tried to steer the plane back towards he Cul-de-Sac but felt that the joystick was to hard to control.
Edd warned him. "No, Eddy! We need to stick together. If we spilt up now there's a higher chance that it will take numerous chapters for us to be reunited again! Don't let the readers have to waaaait!"
Ed stopped rowing and clutched the sides of the canoe. Sarah promptly blamed him for the weather.
"Ed, fix the weather!" she yelled.
"It's not my fault we're stuck in an overused plot exposition!" he yelled back. He then remembered his contract. "I mean, GRAVY!"
The waves began to splash upon Edd's sailboat.
"Hold on Plank! Shouted Jonny.
"We can make it, people!" yelled Edd through the thunder and pouring rain. "We can-"
At that moment lighting erupted in the sky and struck the wing of Eddy's plane.
"FUCK!" shouted Eddy as he saw bits of cardboard catch fire and peel off the wings. Suddenly another bolt struck the plane.
"OH, WHAT ARE THE ODDS!" he ranted.
At that point Eddy's plane took a steep nose dive towards the water.
"HOOOLY SHIIIIIIIIIT!" Eddy cried. "THIS ISN'T GOOD, MAN!"
Edd contacted him over the radio. "Eddy, this is no time for overrated videogame references!"
The Kankers were down below, too preoccupied with the waves rocking their boat.
"Lee, do something!" shouted Marie.
"Shut up!" she replied.
Eddy's plane continued to dive down towards the ground. Kevin puked in his lap and Nazz promptly started screaming at the top of her lungs.
Eddy spotted the Kanker's boat below him. "Well if I'm going down then I'm taking them with me!" With that said, he steered his plane in position and plunged straight into the water, obliterating the plane into a mound of debris and taking out the Kankers in the process. Awesome.
Their last words were muttered by May. "I didn't even get a line of dialogue yet!"
Meanwhile the violent waves washed over Ed's canoe. Jimmy lost balance and fell into the raging waters.
"My hair!" he screamed.
"Jimmy!" Sarah cried.
Suddenly another wave washed Sarah straight out of the boat.
"EEEEEEEEED!" she screamed.
"Good riddance!" Ed yelled back. "WHOA!"
Ed's boat capsized after a direct hit from an incoming wave. Ed too became lost within the waters.
Edd tried to contact the others over the radio. "Hello? Come in!"
"Terrific! If the cliché is true, I will be the final person to become lost in the sea!"
Suddenly, lightning struck the top of the sail. Edd braced himself to the side. The mast came crashing down on the opposite side of the boat, knocking Rolf, Jonny, and Plank into the waters.
"I regret everything!" Jonny shouted.
Edd spoke to himself. "That's the last time I install a metal tip at the top of the sail!"
As if on cue, the storm suddenly ended and the weather became calm. Edd noticed this sudden change.
"What! The plot changing storm passed, leaving me completely unharmed and still within a good distance near Peach Creek! This can't be! Against all the rules of overused cliché fanfic plot expositions the outcome of the storm didn't change a thing!"
Edd sat silently on his ruined sailboat, contemplated on what to do next, then came to a wise decision. "Well, I suppose the plot isn't going to unfold itself."
Edd grabbed a piece of debris from the sail and smacked it against his head, rendering him unconscious."
To Be Continued (Whether You Like It or Not)
A/N: And there you have it. Part one of an epic tale of satire. Many of you are wondering why I decided to lampoon (or attack as some of you harsher/confused readers may describe) the beginning of Edventure of the Thousand Year Door. Well, if you were to write a story that makes a mockery of the adventure genre why not base the beginning of it off the wildly popular story that defines the quintessential Ed, Edd n Eddy adventure fanfic?