Author: Jasmin's Ninja (Formerly CatOnyx)
Rating: M for Sexual References, Abuse and language
Chapter 5: Maybe this is all I deserve?
First off, thanks for the reviews so far. They make me smile, and sometimes make my day when I'm feeling like shit.
Sorry guys, I was really meant to update sooner but the last week or so has been very bad, emotionally so I haven't really, focused on writing. Hope you like it, here you go.
Can I speak? I will destroy if I speak...
"Edward I..I…" I had no idea what to say and my heart was running a hundred miles an hour, even faster than it had been when Alice's lips were on me. I was scared. "How could you do this to me!" He growled starting to walk over to me. My body managed to get off Alice and my legs worked, thankfully, to stand up, stumbling over to him trying to apologize. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. I love y—" he slapped my face, with such force I fell to the ground holding my face feeling the tears start to stroll down my cheek. How could he have done that? How was he able to hurt me? I felt my heart twist and turn, pain coursing through my chest as I started to sob quietly.
"Edward, don't you dare touch her again!" I heard Alice yell at him, her voice full of fury. I turned around and saw them standing right in front of each other, Edward towering over the small girl. They were just glaring at another for the longest time before Edward pulled away and grabbed my arm, pulling me up violently saying "come on Bella, I'm taking you back to Charlie's." In a bitter tone. I didn't want to go, I was scared of being with Edward alone. "Your father has decided to go on a fishing trip with the foul dogs from the reservation. I'm going to be looking after you for a week."
Now I was terrified.
He led me upstairs to my room when we got to my house and I was really scared he was going to hurt me again, I was scared of disobeying him and getting hit, of being reluctant to follow him and being hurt but what he said completely through me off. He was 'him' again. "I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to hurt you. It won't ever happen again." He apologized kissing my cheek, and then my forehead. "I'll never forgive myself for hurting something so fragile, so beautiful, for hurting the love of my life." Those words started to ease my fear. He became him again.
"Bella, love, have you ever been out with a man before?" He asked in the most caring voice he could, holding my hand gently. I went red, and all shy looking away from him. "No" I muttered so quietly I didn't expect him to hear but he did. "You know, you're the only girl I've gone public with. You mean that much to me."He slowly moved me down onto my back, laying on me. "I couldn't live without you, I'd kill myself without you." He uttered pressing his lips against mine.
His rough cold hand trailed down my side to my pants. He moved his lips to my neck and I was just inhaling his scent. It smelt wrong, bitter, kind of like alcohol. He pulled my pants and underwear down and off and I closed my legs, shy and not really knowing what I wanted. He kissed up my legs, his cold lips making me want to flinch away. "Open your legs Bella." He asked, but it sounded more like an order and I trusted him right? And I loved him so I opened my legs.
"Oh. You're not shaved down there." He muttered and I instantly closed my legs again but he pried them open again against my will. "Stop, please stop" I murmured quietly feeling his tongue slide up my torso. It was so cold, so disgusting on my skin and he didn't stop, in fact he moved faster, I felt him on me, his hands sliding down to his crotch, pulling his pants down as he kissed my neck.
"Stop, please" I whispered, my forehead creased in worry. He took no notice of my words and I felt him against me so I just closed my eyes imagining I was somewhere else but nothing was working, nothing was making it better. I felt him slide into me, my closed eyes imagined Phil. His rough hands holding my in place, the smell. I tried one last time to make him stop be trying to move away but he was too strong. 'Fifty two, fifty two, fifty two…' Wait, this was the 53rd time I was being raped, should it changed. I tried my hardest not to laugh at that fact, at what I was thinking about, numbers, while this was being done to me but after a few seconds that humor wore off and I remembered where I was and the only thoughts in my mind were in the form of numbers, helping me totally distract myself from what was going on.
He stopped, I didn't even realize until he whispered my name. When he did I didn't respond, I just laid there my eyes opening a little. How could he have done this to me? I thought he loved me. "Bella, I love you." Edward murmured.
It will destroy how I speak.
I didn't reply still. Just laid there in shock. I was numb. Everyone I loved ended up hurting me and I had no idea what I did to deserve this. I'd always been a good girl as a child, but I was always punished. "You don't feel like a virgin." He muttered.
"I never told you I was a virgin." I stated, blankly looking at the ceiling. He didn't reply and I didn't move my eyes away from the ceiling for a second. It felt like the little bit of hope left I had was completely gone. Like there was no reason to live, no reason to prolong my own suffering. I didn't know what I wanted to do more, hurt myself or hurt someone else, just take all this pain out on someone completely innocent. I knew I wasn't going to touch Edward. I loved him… He's the only one that'll ever want me…
"I… I thought you said I was the first guy you've been with." Edward said and it sounded like he had his jaw clenched. "I'm not a virgin. I'm far from that." I admitted out loud for the first time in my life, still in a emotionless tone. What removed my eyes from the ceiling was Edwards fist slamming into the side of my face, making my head wince to the side. It hurt. It wasn't a slap, it was a full blown punch. "You fucking liar!" Edward spat, hitting me again. This time I actually made a sound, a grunt. I just kept thinking about that number, trying to get my mind from the situation. I watched as he walked to my door grabbing a cell phone out of his pocket. I tried to listen to what he was saying but my ears were ringing making it impossible.
He walked back over to me and I flinched a little before admitting "I was raped." In the most pained tone that I've ever heard come from my own mouth. "Sure you were, more like you're just a fucking lying slut." He spat out, "I don't even want to see you right now." He walked over to my window. "Good, I won't have to. My friends are here. They're going to look after you. Because frankly, I can't stand the sight of you right now."
I started crying more, my almost silent whimpers turning into sobs when he walked out the door of my room and three men replaced him. Staggering up over to the window I saw him in the distance and I was sure he heard my screams as the men dragged back to the bed by my hair.
Once they got what they wanted they didn't stay. They left me bleeding, more broken then ever on my bed. Alone, scared and feeling like a piece of meat. Just something for people to use then just throw away. Maybe I am a whore? Maybe that's the best it'll get for me. The closest to a loving relationship for me will be being a whore.
I will destroy when I speak, it will destroy you.
My mobile ringing is what woke me up. Checking the caller ID I saw it was Riley and I was about to answer it but as I went to reach over it, I tried to yawn and yelped in pain. There was no way I would be able to talk after what happened last night. My mind started to try and think back what happened and why I felt like my jaw was broken but I blocked myself from thinking that. Edward didn't come back that night and I was all alone and the most saddest thing that went through my mind is that I felt like he abandoned me. I actually wanted him to come back and everything be normal again. I laid back on my back and ran my hands down my body flinching every so often when I touched somewhere that was sore and tender. My fingers reached my crotch and I could hardly feel and inspect the damage it hurt so much but I felt that they didn't wear protection. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to lay here in my own misery but I knew I had to go out so I forced myself to get up and go over to grab some clothes and it hurt like hell to walk, to move at all really.
I walked downstairs and out the door not wanting to make conversation or see anyone more than I needed to I opted to walk. It took about half an hour to go down to the local shopping small shopping mall and I walked straight towards the chemist but something made me stop in my tracks. Alice was standing just outside the door, her arms folded, looking right at me. I continued on, a slower pace than before and I would have said hey if I thought I was able to. I just kind of gave her a nod and walked past her to the inside of the shop and to the counter. "Hey, I'm Ben. What'd you like?" Time to get out the only words I had to say. "Could I have the morning after pill?" but to be honest it sounded more like 'ken uh have vah moring arthur pill' and I was glad that the man over the counter understood me.
"Yeah, just let me go get it" he said, looking kinda confused reluctantly turning his head from me. I tilted my head down letting my hair fall in my face. "Here you go, that'll be $25.39." He handed me it in a small paper bag. I looked up fumbling with my money and saw him tilting his head to the side slightly. "On second thoughts, don't worry about paying. I've got it" He smiled looking kind of apologetic. I shook my head and continued to try and get my money out not being able to keep from feeling the heat take over my cheeks.
"No, I will. It looks like you've been through the wars." He said placing his hand on mine. "Oh wait, you are older than 16 aren't you? I always forget to check age.." He muttered. I got out my ID and showed him. "Ah, well that's good. I hope I see you again soon." He smiled and I just smiled a little, not meeting his eyes. Walking back out I saw Alice was still there. I tried to just walk past but she moved to stand in front of me. "Bella… Oh… Oh no... why didn't I see this?" She almost sobbed out. "I'm so sorry."
"Not your fault." I managed to murmur keeping my eyes from her face. "What did that bastard do to you? What did that fucking arsehole do to you?" She whispered and I saw tears forming in her eyes. She didn't even needing to tilt my head up because she was already smaller than me, letting her to look up at my face. "Edward didn't want me to see you, I'm not meant to even be here."
"Then leave, Alice." I said through gritted teeth which barred me from moving my jaw more than I needed to. I tried to move past her. I really didn't want to see her right now, but at the same time I really needed to just hug her and break down but I didn't want, Edward didn't want me to see Alice…
"But, Bella, you need a doctor. Let me help you." Alice said, her voice filled with worry. She tried grabbing her arm and I just pulled my arm from her grip. I know she would be able to keep me there with her strength and I didn't know why she didn't use advantage. "I don't need your fucking help. Why don't you just leave me alone?" I said, a little harsher than the last thing I said. I turned around to see her face, and it looked like a mixture of shock and pain. "Bella I…" She uttered, her arms at her side. "Alice, I don't want you to help me. I don't want you around me. Go back to fucking Jasper!" I said, actually screaming out the last two words making me instantly howl out in pain, my hands shooting up to my face, holding my jaw as I sobbed a little. "Just please go." I sobbed out. I looked over at Alice, she had her mouth open slightly "at-at least let me, let me take you home. I'm so sorry I didn't see this happening" She said, her voice incredibly pleading. I shook my head and started to walk forward toward my father's house which used to serve as a relief from the abuse, now all it was to me was a place that I was abused in again. Like everywhere else.
I got home to see Edwards car parked in front of the house and the instant I did panic overwhelmed me. I tried to feign I was calm and okay as I walked in the front door and saw Edward waiting for me. "Hey love, how are you feeling? I have something for you." He smiled showing me what he had behind his back. A bouquet of flowers. He set them down on the kitchen counter and walked over to my hugging me. I froze up, scared but after a while I calmed down. "Where did you leave me to just then?" he asked, but he had this way where he'd ask, but it'd be more like demanding to know. "I, uh.." he tightened his hold and said repeated, "where did you go… love."
"I reached into my pocket and pulled out what I got from the chemist. "Oh, yeah you'd be needing that." He took it from my hands and inspected the packet. He didn't say anything, he just walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the packet that the pill was in, opened it and tipped it down the sink. I just stood there, stiffening up at what he was doing. "Bella. Why was someone's number on the bag?"
Oh god no. That stupid pharmacist. Stupid caring, sweet pharmacist. "I… He gave me his number in case I needed a repeat of it" I muttered. "Why not use the store number?" Edward eyed me suspiciously. "Because it's, uh, been playing up or something."
Edward didn't reply. He just laughed and quoted what I said "He thinks you're a slut" he said laughing a little, " 'in case you needed a repeat' . You shouldn't dress like that if you don't want people thinking that." I just nodded, even though I was wearing a collared tee-shirt and jeans. "Edward, I uh, needed that pill…" I whispered quietly, playing with the hem of my shirt. "You didn't need that number with it."
"I didn't ask him for it. I wouldn't do that, I love you" I didn't want to talk, because each word I said brought me more aching and pain but I didn't want to be accused of ignoring him. I watched as he threw the paper bag in the bin and started pacing back and forth looking agitated. "I love you." I muttered wanting him to say it back so I felt loved, needing him to say it. He didn't, he just said 'okay.'
"Bella, I, I have to go out with some of my friends. I'll be back around 10 pm. Don't go anywhere. I trust you." He walked over to me and kissed my head and I flinched as he did thinking he was going to hurt me. I watched as he leaved a sense of relief washing over me, but also distress. He didn't love me. He didn't did he? If he did why would he have done what he did? But he…
I shook my head trying to rid myself of my thoughts because there were more important matters at hand. I walked over to the bin and grabbed the bag out of it and called the number.
"Hey, Ben speaking."
"Hey um, it's that girl from the store. I was wondering if you could come over and bring another, um pill thing. Edward, he um, my boyfriend um, threw it down the um, sink" I stuttered, nervously hoping he'd be able to understand me. My finger started tapping the side of the fridge.
"Uh, no offence but your boyfriend seems like a jerk. The morning after pill? Sure. On me again, and I'll bring some pain killers." He said. "No you don't uh.. Ha-"
"My shout. I'm a sucker for damsels in distress" I heard him laugh after that and I couldn't help cracking a small smile. I gave him my address and waited on the couch.
As soon as the door bell rang I was up. I greeted him and he gave me what he came with then just leant on the door frame and asked "so, did 'Edward' do that to you?" I averted my gaze and didn't reply. "Bella, did he do that?"
Why did he care? What did he want from me?.. How did he know my name? "How do you know my name?"I asked in a mutter. He laughed a little and said "I'm a stalker. I'm here to kill you." And I honestly didn't know if he was being serious or not. "I'm joking, when you showed me ID it had your name." That gave me relief. I looked up and smiled, playing with the things in my hands. "Anyway, I should go, my girlfriends waiting for me" he gave me a smile and walked to his car. "See you later Bella" he called out and I waved a little before going back in the house to take the pills.
The pain medication helped a LOT. I could barely feel the pain anymore. It was nice, it gave me a warm strange feeling, kinda a numbing feeling where I was sore. I was sat watching something on TV mindlessly when I got a txt. I got my cell phone out and it was from Edward. 'I know he was there.'
A lump in my throat formed suddenly and I found myself hyperventilating and trying to find Riley's number on my phone. I found it and called her. It rang and rang, why wasn't she picking up? It went to her voice messages. I hung up and tried again and again and again and she finally answered. "Hey Bell-"
"Riley, I need you!" I shouted in whisper form, "now."
"What?" She said, sort of incredulous.
"I need you to come and help me, take me to your house before he comes back please" I urged running up the stairs and grabbed my suitcase.
"Before who comes back Bella? Are you okay dude?" Riley asked.
"I'm not okay, Edward he, he… "I started sobbing unable to finish the sentence.
"I'll be right there." I heard her say, sounding like she said it through gritted teeth. "Hurry" I urged hanging up starting to pack my suitcase with clothes. After I was done with clothes I rushed over to the bathroom and grabbed stuff off the shelves, stuffing it into a plastic bag before going back just about to go down the stairs when I decided to check if my father had another pair of jeans I could take. I opened the door and the sight before me was something not even my nightmares had included. My father was there, on the bed, blood everywhere. I just stood there in shock, slowly walking backwards and back to the hallway stumbling over my feet before turning around and bumping into someone. Immediately I thought it was Edward but when I looked up it was Riley. She almost whimpered when I looked up, worry and anger in her eyes as she grabbed the suitcase from my hand, took my hand with her own free one and lead me outside to a car. I didn't even question where she got it from, I was still in shock from what I had just seen.
"Oh god, what the fuck did he do to you?"
I didn't reply.
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to rip him apart!" She shouted trembling a little, her eyes focusing on the road in front of her. I stared ahead too, not focusing on anything really. There were a million things running through my mind and I couldn't focus on any one thought. It was a blur, so bad I didn't even know what I was trying to think. I didn't even realize the car had stopped until Riley's voice beside my ear broke me from my daze.
"Bella, we're here. Let me help you up" she said and I turned my head to where her voice was coming from. She had the passengers door open, and her hand out to help me out. I took it, still in a state of numb as she helped me out. I felt her arm around me as she helped me inside, moving slowly at the pace I was walking.
She led me inside and over to the couch, pushing all the stuff that laid on the seats off and I made a move to sit down, staring mindlessly at the wall. "Bella are you okay?" I felt the seat move as she sat down next to me. I still couldn't focus on one thought. "I'm here beautiful, I promise I won't leave you." Riley whispered and something clicked inside my head, I stalled my breathing as my hand blindly went to grab onto her, anywhere on her. I ended up grabbing her thigh and as I did sobs started to escape my lips. I felt my body moving without thinking, pushing Riley down onto her back, crawling up her body, grabbing her as I did, grabbing her so she didn't go anywhere.
She seemed surprised at my sudden outburst "ple-please" I stuttered between sobs, "do-don't go." My grip on her tightened. Her hands trailed up and down my back soothing me slightly as my head rested on her chest while I sobbed. "I…" she paused, "I won't Beautiful." Even though she told me what I wanted to be told it wasn't as soothing as I'd have hoped it to be. It didn't make the tears stop rolling down my face onto her chest, getting her shirt wet but I realized after a while the rashness of what I did and sat back up, not sobbing anymore but still crying. I didn't want to scare Riley away, I already pushed Alice away. I was scared I was going to push Riley away too. I slowly moved my eyes to her once the tears stopped flowing and just looked at her. "Bella, what happened?" She asked quietly, her forehead winkled up a little in worry.
"I… I…" I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want her more angry and upset then she already was either. "I am just having a bad day" I finally said, and I didn't lie really, I was having a bad day. I heard her sigh and looked away, feeling bad. "A bad day that resulted in your face looking like a punching bag when I go see you after you called me hysterical? That's a pretty bad day." I heard Riley chuckle a little after that, probably making it more light-hearted than she meant it to be. "I, I fell" okay, that was a lie. Why did I lie? Why couldn't I just tell her what really happened? "Fell over and over?" Riley interrogated placing her hand on my thigh. Her hand made me flinch a little. "And the fall resulted in you flinching when I touch you?" Her voice was quieter now, shaking a little while she took her hand off of me. I just wanted to say 'I'm so sorry' but my mouth wouldn't dare so instead I looked over at her, just staring at her. She looked paler than usual, dark circles around her eyes. "What about you?" I whispered, my eyes not leaving her "you don't look so good either."
She moved her eyes from me. Looking down she said "yeah, I haven't been feeling so good this week. Mood swings and stuff and I'm not even on until a few more weeks" she chuckled looking back up meeting my eyes again. "But compared to you I'm great." It was my turn to look away. I felt dirty, unclean and just disgusting. "I… can I, um have a shower?" She eyed me cautiously before replying "yeah, the towels are in the laundry down the hallway though."
I went straight to the bathroom without bothering to get a towel turning the shower on, and standing underneath it my hands started scrubbing at my skin.
There you guys go. :3