Okay, Cat In My Fridge, you obsessive weirdo. Here's your 'Soichiro gives Light the birds and the bees talk' set during a very awkward point in time. *cough*chain arc*cough*

The Bees and the Bees

Thin, white fingers made quick work of the first three or four buttons on Light's now slightly wrinkled Oxford. His back was pressed against the wall in a way that he remembered as uncomfortable the first few times, but now was a little arousing in itself, simply due to the circumstance in which it was always held. He could feel a moan stirring in his throat as L's knee moved up his inner thigh to press against his groin.

Oh, how the lips attached to the bare patch of his chest, how the knee caressing his crotch would have felt so much better, if only he didn't have to hear the clanking of those cursed handcuffs every time he or L moved even a centimeter. Light doubted the lanky body that the lips on his chest belonged to cared much. If anything, it got him off even more. But damn, that didn't stop it from still feeling amazing, and oh, as those nimble fingers moved with the agonizing speed of a snail to slip down inside his khakis-

"Jibun wo sekai sae mo kaete shimaesona~"

Of all the times for his phone to ring.

He reached inside of his pocket to retrieve his cell, eyes fighting the urge to roll to the ceiling when he saw that it was his father. Light nudged L away from him.

"I've got to take this."

Ignoring L's childish expression that strongly resembled a pout, Light flipped his phone open and pressed the answer button.

"Hey, dad."

"Ahem, hello, Light..." Soichiro cleared his throat a few more times, making Light squint in suspicion.

"Are you alright? I hope you're not coming down with something." Light doubted his father was getting sick. The man always coughed when dealing with something he'd rather not deal with.

"No, erm, it's just that- We need to have a talk, Light. Are you busy?" Yes, actually, I am busy. Or at least, I was about to be getting busy before you interrupted.

"Of course not, father. Is it about the Kira Case?" That deviant, L, was already back to playing with the hem of Light's pants.

"Actually, no, it's... Just meet me downstairs, alright?" Okay, definitely suspicious.

"Sure thing, dad! I'll be right there." Click.

"So I take it this means that there will be no lunch-time shenanigans today?" The pout was even evident in his normally monotonous voice. Light didn't bother with a reply.

Light entered the main room of the headquarters with his natural poise, a thoroughly ungraceful L shuffling behind him. Even more suspicious than his father's call, was how every member of the task force, even Watari, quickly left the room the moment Light and L walked in. None of them looked him in the eye. No nod, no smile, nada. A small feeling of dread began to pool at the bottom of his stomach.

Shit. What if they knew?

No, no, that'd be impossible. Light and L were far too careful with their relationship- if one could even call it that. They only engaged in any kind of sexual activity in their bedroom. Well...okay, so they may have had their fair share of romps in the second floor hallway, the communal bathrooms, the broom closet near the elevator, the- Never mind, the point was, they were careful. And everyone was far too intellectually inferior to catch any of L's sneaky little comments during investigation hours.

Light pushed the thought aside and painted a smile on his face. One that did not look like it said, "Holy bajeezus, my right-wing conservative dad totally knows I'm getting in on with another guy and he's totally gonna send me to one of those gay camps!" No, his smile was epitome of perfect, it said, "No one knows and no one will ever know because I'm just too damn good."

He approached his father with the smile and mindset intact, ignoring L's annoyed sighs.

"You wanted to talk?" He had just the right amount of curiosity in his voice, had widened his eyes just a little for effect.

"Yes... Have a seat, Light." Soichiro's brow seemed to have more creases in it than usual as he gestured to one of several computer chairs in the vicinity.

Light took a seat, the appropriately curious look still in place. L grabbed for a nearby one as well and perched himself on it, one bare foot at a time.

Soichiro looked sharply at L. "Ryuuzaki, my son and I need to speak in private. Surely, you can remove those," he glanced down at the chain with grimace, "those handcuffs for a few minutes, right?"

Pulling a candy from out of his pocket, he unwrapped it with two fingers and placed it on his tongue. "I apologize, Yagami-san, but I do believe we all know the answer to that question."

He looked like he wanted to argue for a moment, but bit back with another clearing of the throat. "Very well. We're all men here. I'm sure this doesn't have to be as embarrassing as I'm making it. Heheh. Ahem."

Awkward silence.


"I wanted to talk to you about your relationship with-" Light's stomach clenched, "-Misa." then released its tension with a sigh of relief. "I know that you say you don't like her as anything more than a friend, but I know how it is to be a young man of your age."

One of those sick, twisted smiles was starting to play on L's pale lips as he realized where this talk was going. Damn it, Light thought with an internal scowl.

"What I mean to say here, son, is that when an attractive young woman is perfectly willing to be, ahem, physically involved with you, it can be har-difficult to turn her down." No, god, no. Light kept a calm look on his face while his insides belied this completely.

Before he could speak, however, L piped up his own response, "Au contraire, Yagami-san, I'm sure it would be very hard for Light to engage in any kind of sexual activity with Amane-san."

Soichiro and Light turned to look at the hunched over detective as he popped another candy- his third or fourth, now- into his mouth.

Oh, no he didn't. To Light's horror, yes he did. Too bad Light was much too quick-toed to let his father mull that over.

"I wholeheartedly agree, Ryuuzaki. I would never be able to take advantage of Misa- or any woman!- like that. The feeling would have to be mutual." He looked down at his clasped hands thoughtfully, "To manipulate a woman's feelings... That's one of the most terrible things a man could do."

Soichiro's eyes gleamed with pride for his son for a moment before he continued, "I'm very glad that you think that way, son. But, in case you do find yourself to have feelings for Misa one day, I just want you to be prepared and responsible."

"Thanks, dad, but I-"

"Oh, Light-kun is always responsible. You needn't worry about that."

"What do you mean?" Soichiro asked with genuine curiosity. It was now obvious to Light that Soichiro would have to have someone scream it in his face for him to be able to wrap his mind around that fact that his golden boy was a batting for the other team. Or at least, L's team.

Light intercepted again, "Oh, Ryuuzaki, you're too kind. He's merely referring to my general responsible behaviors in every day life," he ground his teeth together behind a grin, "Aren't you, Ryuuzaki?"

"Whatever you say, Light-kun."

Soichiro loosened his tie and cleared his throat. Again. "Look, Light, I know you may think you don't need advice on...pleasing a woman, but-"

"Oh, I don't think Light-kun has any doubts about how to please a woman." The bastard had nerve.

"Well, I did have to take a mandatory sexual-education course in middle school." Light's chuckle sounded good-natured, but was filled with irritation and ill-intent towards the ghost-looking freak next to him. Why the hell am I involved with him anyways? He glanced at L, who was now twirling a lollipop in his mouth and around his tongue.

Oh, yeah. That's why.

He couldn't deny L's...skills, especially in the oral department.

Soichiro joined in with Light's laughter for a short moment, then cut to the chase again, "But you know, Light, one mistake can change your entire life. You have a very bright future ahead of you and if Misa were to become...impregnated any time soon, it would be extremely difficult for both of you two carry out a financially successful life at your ages."

L held up his cuffed wrist and jangled it with a droll look, "I think you're forgetting something very important, Yagami-kun," his lips quirked up in another one of those demented smiles, "if anyone was to become impregnated here, it surely wouldn't be A-"

Light cut him off quickly, "If Misa was to become impregnated, it surely wouldn't be by me. Because we obviously couldn't...do that while I'm still here. Yeah." Shit. This was getting harder for Light to keep up with.

"I didn't mean right now. I thought that would be obvious." Soichiro looked dazed at the fast-pace the conversation had taken.

"Hahaha, of course, Ryuuzaki was just being facetious." He playfully punched L in the arm, aware that he was starting to act a bit out of character. Got to keep it together, Light.

"I was?"

The other two both pretended not to hear this.

"Well, regardless of who or when, I urge you to practice safe sex under any circumstances. Unless you're married, of course."

The stomachy-dready feeling was happening again.

"Your mother and I...-"

"No. No, that's quite enough, dad. I think I understand the concept of safe sex."

The older policeman raised his hands in what should have been a calming gesture, but was anything but that. Light really, really wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. And then punch Stupidzaki in his stupid, sleep-deprived face.

"I was just going to say that we waited until we were both ready, that's all."

"That's very admirable, Yagami-san," L had no more candy stashed in his over-sized jeans and he was starting to look agitated, "Light-kun, on the other hand, really isn't the patient type." His voiced stressed the 'really' in a way that just sounded far, far too suggestive.

Fuck. this. douchebag. son of a bitch. ASSHOLE.

"Aha, well, yeah, sometimes," Shit. Think, Light, think, "I can be very impatient when Shonen Jump isn't released on time." Damn, well, that blowed.

"I didn't know you read manga, Light." L quipped. Light's eye twitched once. Twice.

"Okay, I think we're about done here." He stood up abruptly, accidentally tugging his arm, causing L to fall from his crouched position on the chair onto the floor. "Thanks for the talk, dad. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go grab a bite to eat." He smiled, sure to leave the terseness out of his charming voice.

L stood up with a small frown, revenge obviously on his mind, "Yes, that would be a good idea, seeing as how we hadn't quite made it to the kitchen, due to Light's impatience-"

"-Silly Ryuuzaki, we hadn't made it to the kitchen because my dad called, remember?" God, he was going to kill that skinny little fucker. Well, that probably wouldn't be a good idea. But Light would think of something that didn't involve his Kira percentage going up.

Soichiro stood up as well, a confused look settling on his face yet again. "Try not to take too long. We haven't made much progress in this case yet."

Light was already stalking to the door, nearly dragging L behind him. He called over his shoulder with a terse, "We won't be long."

...One hour and eleven minutes later, they emerged from their room upstairs with flushed faces, sticky hair, and wrinkled-well, in L's case, even more wrinkled- clothes. L also was sporting a large bruise on his cheek, though whether the punch was received before or after their late-lunchtime-shenanigans, no one will ever know.

Soichiro decided that he'd leave the 'birds and the bees' talk up to Sachiko next time, because something about that was just way too bizarre.

Sorry if this is terrible. I have to be at my next class in *checks clock* five minutes. Fuck. Peace out, y'all.