Harry Potter and all of it's settings and characters are the property of JK Rowling.
Author's Note: Ok, so here it is! The long version of my one shot 'Detention Lines'
Since that one shot does appear here in the second half of the first chapter (edited and filled out so that it fits into the big picture) I will give you the notes that were at the beginning of that story first: This came into being because my best friend and co-conspirator Chumbarella came across a story that had a chapter of detention lines and it turned us into a couple of lunatics we were laughing so hard. We decided to try out our own version and this is the result. I am actually thinking of turning this from a one shot into an actual story (yay for me here it is!) at some point but for now it's just a bit of fluff. We tip our hats to the comedic genius that inspired us and give a nod to the authors of the few lines that we pilfered. Those are marked with a *. Everything else came from our twisted brains =)
And now I will give you the notes for this story as a whole: This is my version of what might have happened if Draco had decided to change sides that night in the Astronomy tower. In my version we get to keep Dumbledore and Snape (and Fred too! Yay!) So it is definitely completely different than what actually happened, and I think, happier. I hope you like it! =)
~June 16th 1997~
Draco Malfoy had his wand pointed at a completely unarmed Dumbledore and for the first time since Voldemort had returned, a glimmer of hope started to unfurl in his gut.
"You don't want to do this, Draco."
"I'm bloody well aware of that, old man," Draco paced, agitated, trying to judge the plan he'd just concocted to see if it had merit or if he'd finally gone mad, "but I haven't really been given much of a choice. Suffering a painful death is not on my to do list today."
"I can help you." The pure kindness that emanated from this man was wholly unfamiliar and made Draco a bit twitchy to be honest, but it was that kindness that he was counting on to save him.
Draco knew he wasn't a killer, and contrary to popular belief he did not actually want to follow a demented psychopath for the rest of his life.
His father had been quite enough to deal with growing up and he'd been looking forward to the day he could leave that part of his life behind. There was no way he wanted to trade one sadistic authority figure for another. Besides the fact that if Voldemort won this war there would be no place that he could escape the madness. At least with his father he could pack up and leave when he turned seventeen, make a better life for himself.
There would be no better life if Voldemort ruled, just more pain, violence and death. He was getting rather bloody sick of walking around his own sodding house on eggshells, waiting for someone's wrath to be pointed in his direction.
Footsteps on the stairway jerked him from his thoughts. It was now or never. He would never get another opportunity like this.
"You'd better make good on that offer, old man."
Before Dumbledore could respond, Draco pointed his wand and sent the headmaster through the floor to the level below while simultaneously creating a false copy of the old wizard to stand in his place. Barely a moment later the door burst open to reveal Severus Snape leading a small group of Death Eaters. Bellatrix Lestrange, Fenrir Greyback, and Walden Macnair entered the small tower room with a look of triumph on their faces.
The real Dumbledore looked on through the floorboards in a slight state of shock as his doppelganger turned to greet the new arrivals. Creating a corporeal and animated glamour was an extraordinary bit of magic. He finally remembered what he was about, turned to the rather frozen form of Harry Potter, and set him free.
"What's going on, sir?" The boy who lived whispered as he shook off the effects of the body bind.
"It seems my instincts about young Mr. Malfoy were, in fact, correct. I have no idea what he's going to do next but we'd both better be ready to assist him if his ruse is discovered."
Harry nodded and held his wand pointed at Snape. After retrieving his own wand, which had luckily rolled through a crack in the floor, Dumbledore sent him a look that conveyed a bit of disappointment.
"Choose another target please, Harry. You really must learn to have a bit more faith in people."
Grumbling under his breath, he nonetheless directed his wand towards Greyback instead.
"Much better. Now, let's see what Draco is up to."
The pair stood silently watching as the scene above them unfolded.
"Dumbledore alone and wandless!" Bellatrix Lestrange cackled in glee, "Good work, Draco!"
The fake Dumbledore seemed completely unfazed by his impending death.
"Ah, Bellatrix, I wish I could say it was a pleasure to see you but, alas, I do not wish to be called a liar."
The real Dumbledore smiled a bit at that since he knew it was the creator's view of the real person that dictated a glamour clone's personality. Apparently, Draco thought more of him than he'd known.
"Always the smart mouth, Dumbledore." Bellatrix sneered, "I won't miss that when Draco is done with you. Go on, boy, finish him."
Draco raised his wand to kill the fake Dumbledore and saw a look of pure shock cross Snape's face. He didn't get a chance to ponder that for long as he was soon the one that looked shocked. Snape knocked his wand arm away and the killing curse bounced off the ceiling.
Severus Snape was not a man who was easy to surprise but he looked at the boy standing in front of him in complete astonishment. He really hadn't thought Draco would be able to kill Dumbledore. It went against everything he had come to know about the youngest Malfoy.
"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Severus?" Bellatrix screeched but he ignored the insufferable woman and turned to the man he had considered his father for half of his life.
He would not be killing him today. He had finally found the cure that would save him from the curse of that blasted ring and he would rather suffer the consequences of breaking his unbreakable vow than kill him now. He raised his wand to Albus and the awful noise Bellatrix was spouting came to an abrupt stop.
"Well if you wanted the honor yourself, all you had to do was say so," she huffed indignantly.
Snape stood contemplating who he wanted to take with him to their grave. Bellatrix was a very tempting choice but he considered Greyback the bigger threat to a castle full of children. He would make his death matter. He gave Albus a meaningful look, hoping his mentor would understand.
"When this is over, look in my office."
And with that, he quickly turned his wand on Greyback and had dispatched the wretched man before anyone could stop him. Everyone seemed to freeze for a moment, which gave Snape an extra fraction of a second to react to the fact that he wasn't dead. He quickly dodged the curse Bellatrix aimed at him and for the second time in a matter of minutes stared at his godson in shock. Draco was currently dueling Walden and had the massive Death Eater turning tail and running down the stairs. Bellatrix, realizing she was suddenly outnumbered by the people she had considered on her side, quickly followed.
"Well," the blond boy drawled with a small smirk, "that wasn't exactly what I had in mind but I have to give you credit for taking out Greyback. With my plan they would have all been left alive. I honestly wasn't sure which side you were on until just now or I would have stopped you from blowing your cover."
Before he could demand an explanation a second Dumbledore appeared and seemed to be inspecting his twin.
"Remarkable!" The new Dumbledore said, "However did you manage such a wonderful glamour?"
"I've had loads of practice," Draco replied dryly, "In my house it was either learn to create a believable clone or suffer all of my father's irrational mood swings myself. I opted for the clone."
Dumbledore looked like he was about to respond but Snape had had enough.
"Sorry to interrupt your little chat but would someone mind telling me what the bloody hell is going on?"
"Yes," a voice from the doorway broke in and Snape turned to see Harry Potter entering the room, "I'd really like to know that myself."
"It seems young Mr. Malfoy has decided to change sides, and I believe the fact that he just saved my life, as well as yours, Severus, albeit unintentionally, will be proof enough for any who might doubt it." Dumbledore then turned to Draco, "I'm going to assume your plan involved killing the false version of me to fool the others so that you could later make your escape?"
At Draco's nod he continued, this time turning to Snape, "I will say I was not expecting you to try to break your vow Severus, and I am quite disappointed in your lack of concern for your own life. Apparently, the vow was not brought into account as it was not really me that you refused to kill. Am I correct in my belief that your change of heart had something to do with finding a cure for my unfortunate condition?"
"Yes," Snape replied, "I was actually on my way to your office to inform you of my discovery when the screaming began. I had hoped to reach you before anyone else but Bellatrix, Greyback and Macnair found me first."
A loud crash sounded from below, bringing them all to the realization that there was still a battle going on.
"I'm afraid further explanations are going to have to wait," Dumbledore replied gravely, "Our help would probably be greatly appreciated downstairs. All you really need to know is that we are all on the same side now, so don't hex each other, all right?"
Harry and Draco eyed each other speculatively.
"I'll try to refrain." Draco drawled at the same time that Harry said, "No promises."
~September 19th 1999~
Hermione Granger sat in the Gryffindor common room, trying to finish her homework assignment.
Fate, however, seemed to be against her.
Thoughts of her birthday party later that evening, among other things, were distracting her from her work. She couldn't believe she would be celebrating her 20th birthday as a student at Hogwarts. The time had just sort of escaped them all.
She had spent what should have been her seventh year looking for the Horcruxes and then the following year had been taken up with rebuilding the castle after the final battle. They had finished the reconstruction in time to open again this year and Dumbledore had given her permission to finish out her education properly.
Surprisingly, she wasn't the only one to take advantage of his offer.
Quite a few of the previous seventh year students had requested a chance to repeat the year and take their tests again. It seemed many of them felt they hadn't really been able to do their best with the threat of war hanging over the country. So it was that they currently had the largest age range of students Hogwarts had ever seen, with Hermione being at the very top. And if you really wanted to get technical about it she was even older than that.
The amount of time she had spent using the time turner in her third year had added about a year to her age. It was a bit of a complicated equation, with much more than just the actual time repeated that had to be factored in, but she was pretty sure she had calculated it correctly.
She had done a lot of thinking about age recently.
She pulled her thoughts back to her ancient runes paper and managed to get through a few more translations before she was thwarted again. The newest distraction was the appearance of Harry and Ron, running through the portrait in a fit of laughter.
"Hermione!" Ron shouted as they spotted her, "You have to see this!"
"Yah," Harry agreed as they stopped at her table, "It's priceless!"
She eyed the parchment in their hands warily. "What is it?"
"It's a record of detention lines," Ron answered, "We found it in Filch's office when we were looking for my Honeydukes stash the old rotter confiscated. Can you believe it? Barely back in school more than two weeks and the blighter starts in with the confiscating."
"You broke into Filch's office for some candy?" She shook her head, "Honestly Ron, what were you thinking?"
"Hey, nothing bad happened. And besides, this was definitely worth it," he answered, "We've only read the first few lines but they're hysterical. Here, listen."
"I will not trick Professor Trelawney into calling the physic hotline; not even if I tape the conversation for Professor McGonagall; not even if Professor McGonagall laughs."*
Ok so that is a bit funny, she admitted to herself. Ron passed the parchment to Harry and he read one as well.
"I am not permitted to ask Professor Flitwick where Snow White is."*
She giggled and the boys continued to pass the lines back and forth each reading one.
"Under no circumstance am I to greet Professor McGonagall by inquiring, 'What's up pussycat? Whoa whoa whooa.' Neither is 'What ho, lawn ornament!' a suitable greeting for Professor Flitwick."*
"'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis."*
They were all laughing now. "Oh look," Harry said and pointed at the page, "Some of them are signed."
"If it breathes fire, spits acid, drinks blood, has more than one head, is native to the forbidden forest, or larger than Professor Flitwick; it is not an acceptable familiar. ~Rubeus Hagrid"
Giggles abounded. "That sounds like Hagrid."
"I will not attempt to fly my broomstick up the staircase to the girl's dormitory. ~ James Potter"
"And that sounds like my father." Harry laughed.
"Amortentia is not an acceptable way of securing a date for the Yule Ball. ~ Alexander Vane"
"Blimey," Ron chortled, "D'you suppose that's Romilda's father?"
"Urinating in the house cup is unacceptable. Even if Slytherin wins. ~ Sirius Black"
"Sniffing girls is not an appropriate way to show my interest. ~ Remus Lupin"
"Oh now that's classic," Harry said when he caught his breath, "I can just imagine him trying to explain that."
"Hey look," Ron said after taking the parchment, "they get more recent towards the bottom."
"Convincing first years that there is candy hidden under the Whomping Willow is not an acceptable way to spend an afternoon. ~ Draco Malfoy"
"Ha! I'm going to have to ask him about that later."
"I will not ask Professor Moody if I can borrow his eye to spy into the girl's locker room. ~ Dean Thomas"
"Hiding new quidditch players' broomsticks in the forbidden forest is not an acceptable form of team initiation. ~ Oliver Wood"
"Professor Dumbledore is not related to Santa Claus. Sitting on his lap and asking for presents will not be tolerated. ~ Luna Lovegood"
"Dropping a small house on Professor Umbridge and singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" is highly inappropriate. ~ Seamus Finnigan"
"Oh that was hysterical! I remember when he did that." Hermione said between giggles and took the parchment to have a turn herself. "Look, there's a whole section just for Fred and George!"
"Filling Professor Quirrell's office with garlic is not considered an acceptable way to protect him from vampires."
"Throwing a bucket of water on Professor Snape will not cause him to melt."
"Sending rings to the nine senior faculty members for Christmas with the salutation, 'Love, Voldemort' is not funny."*
The three friends actually thought that was quite hilarious and now had tears streaming down their faces as they continued to pass the parchment around.
"Spiking the faculty punch at the Yuletide Ball with love potion is not an appropriate way of spreading Christmas cheer."
"Professor Lupin did not huff and puff and blow my house down."
"Turning Mrs Norris pink is not acceptable, even if it was meant as a Valentine to Mr. Filch."
"If caught after hours in the halls; waiving my wand and saying, 'These are not the students you are looking for' will not save me from detention."*
"My name is not Inigo Montoya. Professor Snape did not kill my father, nor must he prepare to die."*
"They went through a muggle roovy phase when Dad brought home that weird little box," Ron said with a snort, "I think he called it a Beecyare." This caused Hermione and Harry's laughter to increase exponentially.
"It's movies and a VCR." Hermione said when she could breathe again. "Here, give it over."
"We will not replace the headmaster's lemon drops with anything we have created ourselves."
"Sending toilet seats to patients in the infirmary is unhygienic."
"Convincing Peeves to follow Professor Snape around the castle and throw tiny bottles of shampoo at him is very ill advised."
Ron took the parchment and then suddenly looked like he was having some sort fit and started rolling around on the floor, unable to speak through his mirth.
"What is it?" Harry asked wiping the tears from his eyes, "What could possibly be funnier than Peeves throwing shampoo at Snape?"
Hermione stopped laughing when Ron pointed at her, as she had a sinking feeling she knew exactly what it said. She made a mad dash to take the page from Ron before Harry could get it but Ron was not cooperating. He held the parchment out of her reach and Harry pulled it from the red head's outstretched hand. He read the last line which didn't have anything to do with Fred and George's legacy.
"Drawing hearts around Professor Lockhart's name does not count as added inches to my potions essay. ~ Hermione Granger"
Harry tried to keep it in, honestly he did, but one look at Hermione's supremely perturbed expression had the laughter exploding from him, sending him down to the floor to join Ron.
"It's not that funny!" Hermione fumed, "Besides, my parchment was sufficiently long without that part. Professor Snape was just being ornery. And I was twelve! I seem to remember you two doing a lot of ridiculous things when Fluer first showed up so you can both just bugger off!"
The boys finally managed to reign in their merriment and sat up. "We're sorry Hermione," Harry said with a small chuckle, "But honestly, why on earth would you turn in anything with little hearts on it to Snape?"
"I didn't mean to!" she hissed defensively, "That was my practice homework. I never meant to turn it in-"
"You practice your homework?" Ron cut in incredulously.
"Of course! You can't just turn in the first thing you scribble down."
Both boys shared a look that said, "Why not?"
"I always recopy my homework to make sure it's formatted properly and to get rid of any errors," she continued, missing their exchange, "but that night you two dragged me away on some hair brained scheme and I forgot to get back to it. The next day I turned in the practice scroll, thinking I had already redone it. Needless to say, Professor Snape was not amused."
This caused another fit of giggles and Hermione had to admit it was a little funny.
She sighed as the boys disappeared up the stairs to show Dean and Neville the scroll.
I wonder what Professor Snape would think if he knew that his name is now the one that would appear in hearts if I still indulged in such things.
The knowledge of how absurd her feelings were did little to discourage them. She lost count of the number of times she had tried to will away the ridiculous thoughts that had started plaguing her earlier this summer.
She had always admired his intellect. Even when it hadn't been completely clear which side he was on there was no denying his brilliance, but her feelings had always been of a professional, respectful nature. Until recently. She had walked into a classroom he'd been repairing and seen him in a way that hadn't ever occurred to her before.
The castle had been stifling before they managed to fix all the holes in the outer walls because every attempt at a cooling charm just flew out the window, literally. Most of the men had taken to working with their shirts off and the whole place began reminding her of a muggle construction sight. Professor Snape, however, did not indulge in this practice. In fact, he always seemed to be elsewhere from where the main work was being done on the worst of the days. So while she had gotten accustomed to seeing various wizards in a state of half dress she was completely unprepared for the sight that greeted her the day Dumbledore had sent her to search for him.
It seemed that he was not impervious to the weather after all, he just opted to work in solitude when the heat was too much to bear. She'd had just enough presence of mind to shield herself from view so he wouldn't catch her staring at him before her brain had been short circuited by his sudden appearance in her thoughts as a man and not just her professor.
His hair was pulled back, revealing startlingly handsome features that had been previously hidden from view. And, as if the shock of suddenly finding his facial structure fascinating wasn't enough, that hadn't been all. It seemed Severus Snape was not a man who relied on magical strength alone.
Hermione had stood completely captivated by the sight of his bare chest gleaming with a fine coating of sweat as he manually lifted heavy bits of broken furniture out of the way. He was magnificently sculpted, the kind of man artists paid to study. Even the scars that crossed his back didn't detract from his appeal. To her they were simply another testament of his strength, and the magnitude of what he had survived. What he had done for them all.
She was instantly struck by an overwhelming desire to be wrapped in his arms, pressed firmly to the solid wall of his chest as he snogged her senseless. She'd thankfully been jerked out of her trance by that completely inappropriate thought and had managed to slip silently from the room.
Ever since then she hadn't been able to look at him without that desire returning to beat at her defenses. The rest of the summer had been a special kind of hell.
Never before had she been unable to use logic to solve a problem and she really didn't appreciate the new experience. Hermione knew he would never see her as anything more than a bushy haired insufferable know it all, as he had been so fond of calling her, but her heart kept insisting on skipping beats whenever he came near. She desperately wished she could go back to the days when she hadn't seen him as anything more than her professor.
The last three weeks had been the worst.
She remembered being so nervous as she walked to his classroom the first day of school that she'd actually run straight into Dumbledore in the hallway. Thankfully, they'd both been able to keep their feet but her things had gone everywhere. He'd helped her pick everything up and asked after her health which she thought was very nice of him considering the accident had been entirely her fault.
Then when she'd finally gotten to class it had been worse than she expected.
It was as though her feelings were affecting her view of reality. He had seemed... nicer... if that was the word for it. He hadn't insulted her once since school had started, and sometimes her imagination actually made her believe he was looking at her in an appreciative manner. It was driving her slightly spare.
She sighed at the impossibility of her feelings and, for the umpteenth time that afternoon tried to get back to her assignment.
Though she did pause to doodle one tiny heart with a small S in the margin.