Surprise! I have actually written some fanfiction! I'm kind of stuck on my own book at the moment, so I've been in a fanfiction mood recently. Which is good for all of you! Just so you all know, Danielle in my own character, I made her up when I wrote this today. Also, this is a little foreshadowing of a story I'm going to be writing. I haven't started it yet, but I have everything all planned out and hopefully everything will go as planned and my flash drive won't die on me again. Right now I'm working on a story I have adopted from my friend Darvia, but you all probably don't care because it's Twilight. So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy. I love you all!
P.s. I only own Danielle, and I am only borrowing the others and their pure awesomeness.
"Just say it, Sirius." Danielle said as she sat up, leaving my arms feeling cold and bare. The relaxing, peaceful atmosphere from minutes earlier was shattered. Tension crackled through the air as I sighed and leaned on my elbows. The stars above us went unnoticed, sparkling like a million fireflies.
"It's just a stupid word, Dani. Why does it matter?" I asked with a scowl. Beside me Dani picked at the grass angrily.
"Because I need to hear it. I need to know that you love me."
"Of course I do! You're the only one I want."
"Really?" She asked. "What about Lyndsy?"
I groaned and sat up the rest of the way. She just had to bring up the one thing I regretted the most in my life. Okay, so I regretted a lot. But that one was on top of the list. I tried to wrap my arms around Danielle's waist, but she slapped them away. With a sigh I ran a hand down my face.
"I told you, I….look, I thought we were over. I was trying to get you out of my mind."
"And the easiest way to do that was by getting into another girl's pants?" She asked, her eyebrows rising up her tan forehead. I had just enough light from the stars to see the incredulous look on Dani's face.
"I said I was sorry! And no, it just…..happened. Why do you think I drank until I passed out that night?"
Dani scoffed. "That's supposed to make it up to me? Saying that it just happened? That doesn't change anything!"
I shook my head. "No. But I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
"So then say it! 'I love you.' It's not that hard!"
"Whatever happened to 'actions speak louder than words'?" I demanded.
"That doesn't excuse you from saying it! If you truly love me then you'll say it, Sirius."
"That's not fair!" I protested. She looked over at me and I sighed as I looked into her enchanting brown eyes.
"I….." My mouth went dry and I swallowed.
"I….care deeply for you." I tried, shooting her a smile. Dani made a sound of disgust and stood up.
"I thought you said you'd changed! You promised you would change; well that means all the way, Sirius. No more sleeping around and drinking all the time!"
I stood up and scoffed.
"Now this is about me changing? Why am I always the bad one? Danielle, we've been dating for over eight months and you think that I'm afraid of commitment?"
"Then say it!" She practically screamed at me. I was alarmed to see that there were tears in her eyes.
"I…." Shaking my head I crossed my arms over my chest. I'd never really believed in love. That is, until I met Danielle. I had changed for her, changed because of her, more than she knew. My parents had taught me that love didn't exist, but then Dani came and showed me how wrong I was for thinking that. But I wasn't going to say it just because she told me I had to. Who was she to tell me what to do?
"I won't." I told her. "Not yet."
"Then when, Sirius? Tomorrow's graduation! I don't know when I'm going to see you again!"
"I know, I know. But I….I'm not ready."
"You're never going to be ready, are you? Because you don't really love me!"
"No! I do, it's just….you don't understand."
"You're right, I don't!"
I took a step towards her and cupped her face in my hands, staring into those chocolate orbs of hers. A tear had escaped and trailed down her check. I wiped my thumb over it and then crushed my lips to hers. I thought she was going to pull away, but then she entangled her hands in my hair and returned the kiss. Our lips moved together desperately, hungrily. After a while I tasted the salt of her tears and soon after that Dani pulled away. I rested my forehead against hers and we both stayed that way, breathing hard. Opening my eyes, I lifted my head and rubbed my thumb along her slender jaw.
"I care about you, Dani, more than you can know. I can show you. I can prove it with my actions. Just please, please, don't make me say it."
Sniffing, Danielle looked up. The stars glistened in her water-filled eyes, making them more mesmerizing than usual. Dani's face expressed conflict and she avoided my gaze. Meeting my eyes she shook her head and took a step away. My stomach dropped and my chest constricted.
Dani swallowed hard. "This isn't about just us anymore, Sirius."
I frowned. "Then who is it about? Why is this so important to you? Words are deceiving, but actions aren't, so why do I need to say it?"
"I can't explain it, okay?" She said, tears streaming down her face now. "I don't know why you can't say it, and I don't know why I need you too. That's just the way it is."
"Okay, so why can't we find a compromise?"
"Compromise? You mean I decide that you don't have to say you love me?" She asked with a humorless laugh and shook her head. "No, Sirius. I'm sick of your compromises. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."
She turned and started to walk towards the castle. For a few moments I stayed there, frozen where I stood. Do something, you idiot! Don't just let her walk away!
"Danielle!" I shouted, running after her. "Dani, wait!"
I reached her and took her elbow in my hand. When I did she stopped, but she refused to face me.
"Dani, please. Don't do this. Please." I begged her, the pain in my chest credible in my voice.
"Sometimes you have to say hello to goodbye. I'm sorry." She said, her voice barely audible. Then she jerked her elbow out of my grip and took off at a run. I swore and kicked at the grass.
I wanted to follow her, but I couldn't. No girl had broken up with me before. For the first time, I realized how big of an ass I was. How could I do this to girl after girl with no thought against it? I felt sick with myself. The pain was unexplainable. It was so intense, so extreme that I didn't know what to do. Slowly and in a daze I made my way up to Gryffindor tower.
"Gillywater," I muttered to the Fat Lady absently.
I stumbled into the portrait hole and then into the common room. Faintly, I heard some girls call my name, but I ignored them. When I finally made it up to my dormitory I saw that Peter, Remus, and James were already there. I sat down on my bed and stared at the floor. It felt like someone had used the Sectumsempera curse on me after I'd played an extremely intense game of Quidditch. Everything ached, I felt like I couldn't breathe….
"Padfoot?" James asked and I jumped when I realized he was sitting down next to me.
"You okay Sirius?" Remus asked. Looking up, I saw the three worried faces of my best friends.
"What?" I mumbled. "Yeah….fine."
I stood and picked up the small satchel sitting next to my bed. I muttered some excuse they probably didn't hear and headed back out of the dorm, through the common room, and out the portrait hole. Once I was in the corridor I bolted for the Astronomy Tower, trying to out-run the pain. But when I got to the tower it was still there, like a stain that you couldn't remove no matter how hard you tried. I dropped to my knees and unzipped the bag desperately, pulling out the bottle of Firewhiskey and twisting the cap off. I put the bottle to my lips and tipped it, taking several gulps. It burned as the alcohol went down my throat, but it still didn't aide in making the pain go away.
Standing up, I rushed at the wall with a yell and punched it in anger. With my other hand I drained down another few mouthfuls of Firewhiskey. I swallowed back the lump in my throat as I resting my head against the cold stone wall, my chest heaving with pent-up emotions.
This wasn't happening. She couldn't be gone…..because if she was, then half of me had gone with her. Without my realizing, Danielle had become more than just my girlfriend. She'd become more than just a girl. She had become my better half, the one I actually liked. When I was with her I was a whole new person, a person that wasn't constantly trying to hide, a person that wasn't always running away from his past. I didn't know how to be that person without her.
Before I could stop it a sob escaped out of my mouth. I turned and slid to the floor against the wall, draining a quarter of the half-empty bottle. For the first time since I was a child I cried, there on the Astronomy Tower floor. I wished the biting sting was enough to drown the pain. I wished it was enough to make me stop hating myself. This was my fault. If I had just said those three stupid words things wouldn't be like they were. But me and my stupid pride wouldn't do it. I wouldn't let her win the fight. And now no one won. Once the Firewhiskey bottle was empty I threw it as hard as I could at the opposite wall. It shattered against the stone wall, the pieces falling to the ground just like my heart.
James and Remus found me there that night, several hours and two bottles of Firewhikey later. It was a good thing, too, because I was near blacking out. They each put one of my arms around their shoulders and dragged me back to the dorm. I don't think any of us got much sleep that night. I vomited my guts out all morning until I passed out sometime near dawn.
"Sirius!" I felt a violent shake and heard Remus' voice.
"I swear to God, mate, I will dunk your head in the toilet if you don't get up!" James shouted and then I felt someone kick my leg. Forcing my eyes open, the blurry figures of James and Remus slowly came to focus as they leaned over me. With a loud groan I sat up, leaning against the bathroom door. I was about to ask what had happened when it all came back – the argument….Dani leaving….trying to drink away the pain.
"We have to be in the Great Hall in ten minutes, mate. You might want to change. You look like shit." James said with a smirk.
"Thanks," I replied.
"Maybe it has something to do with the fact I've been vomiting all morning." I said as I stood up and slammed the door on them. Then I pulled my shirt off and washed my face. My eyes were still a little blood shot, but I felt a little better after I'd showered and brushed my teeth – aside from the gaping hole in my chest, anyway. I threw on my robes in two seconds and grabbed my wand before running down the stairs after the others.
"What happened last night, mate?" James asked, throwing a hand over my shoulder.
"I'm a coward, that's what happened." I replied moodily.
"Oh no. What'd you do?" Remus demanded.
"I couldn't tell her I loved her."
"So you got drunk?" Peter asked with a frown. A new wave of pain washed over me as I thought about the previous night.
"No, Peter, I didn't get drunk because I couldn't effing say 'I love you.'"
"Then why did you?" He asked. I didn't respond, only crossed my arms over my chest.
"I believe Padfoot was dumped." James said and then patted my shoulder. "I'm sorry mate."
I shrugged. It was better to pretend it wasn't a big deal then to talk about it. I just nodded as my friends offered me sympathy. I barely heard them as I stared out the window. Maybe I deserved the pain. Maybe I deserved Dani leaving me. If I was worthy of her love, then I wouldn't have been such a prick. Danielle deserved someone better than me; someone without a shady past and the baggage of a tormented childhood; someone who wasn't afraid to tell her he loved her.
Once we got to the Great Hall McGonagall lined us all up alphabetically as always. As I went to stand in my place I caught sight of Danielle and it felt as if the Cruciatis Curse had been placed on me. My chest constricted and my gut twisted. Her straight brown hair was perfect, resting gently on her shoulders and smooth as always. Her brown eyes held no trace of tears when they met my own grey ones. I bit my lip and looked down at the floor before continuing up the line.
"Thank you for joining us, Mr. Black." McGonagall said in exasperation.
I grinned. "Oh you're welcome, Minny."
She scoffed in contempt before turning and walking down the line, her robes gliding behind her. The grin dropped by the time she'd passed the person next to me. I couldn't concentrate as McGonagall instructed us on what we were supposed to do. I couldn't keep myself from leaning forward and glancing at Danielle even though a fresh knife of pain sliced through my chest every single time.
The graduation ceremony went by in a blur and soon I was sitting at the Gryffindor table next to my fellow Marauders. I was poking at my breakfast when James nudged my arm and inclined his head towards the Entrance Hall. I looked up to see Danielle staring at me. Once she noticed I was looking, she pursed her lips, took a deep breath, and turned, stalking out of the Great Hall. I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat and returned my gaze to my plate.
As I stared at my toast Dani's words from the previous night rang through my head. "Sometimes you have to say hello to goodbye." I looked up again and stared at the spot the one girl I had ever loved had previously been standing. Tears blurred my vision but I pushed them away. I took in a deep, shaky breath.
"Goodbye, Danielle. I love you." I whispered.
"What's that?" Peter asked.
I turned back to my friends and shook my head.
"You going to be okay?" Remus asked, concern in his expression.
I smiled for their sake and nodded. "Yeah. You know what they say. Time heals all wounds."
But as I looked back towards the Entrance Hall I knew the empty feeling inside would never go away. Time might dull the pain, might bring tolerance, but it could never bring healing. Not for wounds this deep. I knew there was nothing I could do to change it anymore. Sometimes you just have to say hello to goodbye.