Crack'd Seed

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed

Chapter 1: Why Ullen Hibiki Shouldn't Have Played Video Games

"I'm sorry..." Lowe Guele spoke sadly as he closed Kira's eyes.

"RESPAWN!" Exclaimed a computerized voice just as Kira split into what looked like...twinkling lights.

"!" Screamed the high pitched voice of a young man seconds before he hit the ground butt naked.

"Danger Hit Points Critical!" Exclaimed the same computerized voice as Kira started flashing red multiple times.

"I wonder?" Lowe muttered as he bit chewed on his lip for a second before peering around to see if their were any witnesses, seeing no one he tossed a very small piece of trashed metal from the Strike on Kira.

"!" Kira screamed as he hit the ground at high speeds.

With a ear splitting thud the now relatively intact Strike landed on Kira's sorry body ending his life again.

"-" Kira shouted before it happened again with another brand new Strike landing on him.

"!" Kira shouted again before another Strike nearly landed on him but rebounded off a cliff, oddly he fell in a batch of poisonous mushrooms which caused him to flash green for a couple seconds but he lived.

"I should probably call the others to pick you guys up..." Lowe mused completely ignoring the kid that seemed to have an auto repair function.

Sometime Later:

"Sorry for being late but here's a gift to make up for it!" Said Lowe as he smiled nervously at Reverend Malchio, what he was holding was a grieviously injured Kira Yamato he revived with a chicken feather while laying senseless on the ground was another Kira Yamato. "Don't worry, neither of these guys can die! So you can sacrifice them for whatever Pagan rite you practice!"

"Dammit Lowe," Shouted an irate female voice from an ear piece he had hanging from his shirt pocket. "he's a man of god, not some kind of Voodoo Priest!"

" about a slightly too old boy to moles-oh you already have one of tho-oooooohhhhh!" Lowe exclaimed as Reverend Malchio kneed him square in the balls. "I thought you were supposed to be a man of peace! Ouch!"

"That idiot..." Kisato stated while smacking her head into the console in front of her.

Just After the Final Battle of the First Bloody Valentine

"What the hell can we even salvage from thi-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" Shouted one of the officers on the Nelson class ship as a naked man landed ass first on his helmet after hitting a couple of consoles, the fact that he appeared literally from a flash of light bothered many who saw it. "Oh dear god I wasn't wearing my helmet and his balls landed in my mouth!"

"Hey that's Mu La Flaga!" Stated one of the bridge techs. "Dear god, he's sexually assaulting Lieutenant Roanoke!"

"Actually I think Lt. Roanoke died when you dropped La Flaga back on him," The Captain of the ship stated with a sigh before breaking out his contraband whiskey. "so either we tell command we recovered a traitor and one of our officers choked on his dick or we hide the officers body and just tell them that Roanoke was injured badly..."

"Since I doubt anyone wants to give mouth to mouth after what was just in there I suggest going with plan b..." One of the junior officers stated with a measure of confidence.

"Motion carried..." The pilot of the ship stated firmly. "Roanoke was a sissy anyways, besides he cheated at cards and counted other men's women..."

"Actually he was cheating on his girlfriend with your wife and fleecing you at gambling by counting cards..." One of the bridge techs spoke up helpfully.

"I think I should make sure if the victim is dead..." The pilot stated as he moved over to Roanoke's corpse and dragged it out of the bridge by the foot, it was decided later on not to mention Roanoke's terrified and pained screams less than five minutes later.

But then that's what happens when you assume someone's choked to death on another guys cock instead of passing out from brief lack of oxygen.

Naturally the new Roanoke was actually better liked even if he had been a traitor to the cause, though not even his superiors knew that he was actually Mu La Flaga, mainly since they couldn't care enough to check his files or credentials.

Operation Angel Down:

"Nooooooooooooo!" Kira screamed in what he thought was a manly way after realizing that the touchpad with up,down, left, and right was out of order. Thereby denying him god mode, with no choice he touched the fuzzy yellow star hanging from his control stick. At least a couple minutes of invulnerability would get him through this battle, right?

"Son of a-" Kira shouted as Shinn skewered him like Ahab always wanted to do to Moby Dick, but with infinitely more success.

"Hey that touch pad I stole from the Freedom actually worked!" Shouted Petty Officer Romero Pal exclaimed gleefully. "We actually survived a Positron Cannon shot!"

"Now if we could only figure out what went wrong with that cheat code you stupidly entered..." Arnold Neuman responded to his crewmates glee while eyeing Captain Ramius who was oblivious to the fact that she wasn't acting like she used to as was most of the rest of the crew and Cagalli herself, but then they were in the affected room when Petty Officer Pal was dicking around with Ullen Hibiki's old touch pad.

Authors Notes: This is what you get from debating things on forums, as you can tell some crazy stuff can be born.