Welcome to another concoction of the ZnsI Corporation. We do not own, nor wish to own Leverage (if we did, your episodes would turn out as this subsequent transcript did). However we are fans. This was written on three sheets of paper, passed between two extremely bored people over three hours of sitting in the library on the third floor (which is the quiet floor) and trying to not complete summaries, quizzes and other things we were supposed to be doing for our various classes. Procrastinators Union Unite... Tomorrow!
A special thanks to ChaosMaiden for helping write this (being 1/2 of the pair).
(For any and all who have been expecting updates to other stories, Loki's inspiration died in June. It was a very sad time, however I have a new inspiration, and Loki may return! And in terms of my others, they are coming, just hold on).
Parker came running in, "I just remembered I found out that they canceled Seeker! Hardison, take over the world and bring it back!"
Hardison looked at her. "Why did they cancel it?"
"Didn't say," She propped herself on the counter. "Something about a failed deal with Syfy and lack of corporate support. I hate corporations. Nate can we steal ourselves a corporation so we can bring Seeker back?"
"What's Syfy?" Eliot sneered.
"The Science Fiction TV Network!" Hardison yelled. "Dude, it is da bomb! They got this show-"
"I don't care, Hardison."
Parker leaned back onto the counter. "Can we do this of February 2nd?"
"Why February 2nd?" Nate asked.
"Because that's when the season premiere is." She sat up, "Does anybody have a tissue?"
"Why?" Hardison smiled broadly. "You got a issue?" He laughed at his joke. Eliot looked at him. "What, boy? It was funny." Eliot shook his head.
"Season premiere of… Seeker?" Sophie asked.
"No," Parker laughed. "Of Leverage!"
They all looked at Parker for a moment. She stood on the counter and began to dance. Hardison and Eliot followed suit. (Don't ask why, that's just what happens.) Nate pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
Sophie raised her brow and shook her head. "They're yours not mine, Nate. You told them to have a movie night so they're shooting a movie. See?" She pointed to a video camera propped on a tripod. "I get three death scenes!"
Nate turned to Hardison, who was punching the air rapidly. "Purposely forget to put film in the camera, please."
"Why?" Parker whined.
Hardison stopped his dancing. "Because otherwise we'll have to, no, she'll force us at gun point to sit and watch her die a million kagillion times!"
Parker said in a wicked witch voice: "I'll steal all your film… and your little gun, too. Hahahahaha!"
Eliot looked at her, weirded out. "Parker, why can't you be normal for once?"
"Normal is under rated." And she flung her arms around him.
Hardison took a picture with his phone. "Haha," He said. "Hello internet." Eliot attacked Hardison, or attempted to. But Hardison threatened: "If I am in any way harmed or killed, this nice little hug goes all over the internet."
Parker jumped up and down. "Can I photoshop it?"
Eliot: "No Santa hats, Parker."
Parker pulled out a picture out of her pocket. It was from the Hohoho Job. Eliot was in the Santa suit down in the tunnels, kicking bad-guy butt. There was a caption under it that said "respect the suit".
Parker: "If you hurt my Hardison, this will be on the internet, too." She smiled mischievously.
Eliot froze, grinning evilly. "If you do that, you'll be on Santa's naughty list this year."
Parker smiled wider. "Santa loves me, I could never be on his naughty list. I saved christmas last year. I'm good for life."
Eliot: "Not if I threaten Santa and his reindeer.
Parker gasped, horrified. "Not the reindeer! I'll save you, reindeer!" She pulled her climbing gear out of her pocket (don't as how, pretend they're really big pockets) and she ran to the elevator. She paused just before she jumped down. "Wait a minute. How could you possibly get to the north pole? I've never seen you in a magik sleigh, or with any reindeer to pull it."
Eliot grinned. "I worked for Santa. How do you think the elves get all their supplies for their toys, hmm? The elves and I are on such good terms that they sometimes let me make Santa some cookies."
Parker jumped on top of him, hugging him. "Can I help?"
Nate stood, sighing in exhaustion of the situation. "How did we even get here?"
"Santa." Sophie said.
Eliot's eyes went wide. "Uh, it's actually a secret that only a select few can know. You aren't even supposed to know that I know. I could get fired for this. I only told you so that you wouldn't put the picture on the internet. I don't want the elves to see it, let alone Santa. He's too special to for me to dress like him."
"You got that right, bucko." Parker patted his head. "Can I braid your hair?"
"Uh, no. Santa wants my hair like this. Why don't you ask Hardison to help you find Santa and you can delete the photo." Parker shrugged. "It would make Santa very happy and I'll tell him to make sure that you're on the top of the nice list…"
"But I already said: I'm always on the nice list."
"Yeah, but you'll be on the tipity top (yes, Eliot just said that). Instead of the bottom, P equals Parker."
"Wait!" Parker sung the alphabet: "A. B. C. D. E. F. G. H. I. J. K. L. M. N. O. … … P! You mean I'm after Hardison, and you AND Nate on the list?" She grabbed Hardison's arm. "We have to delete that picture."
Hardison blinked. "What? No!"
Parker: "You'll be on the naughty list!"
Eliot: "Yes, Hardison. Do you what to be on the naughty list? I have plenty of minions… I mean, elves to make this happen."
"We should do a penance of christmas songs, don't you think?" Parker suggested.
Sophie came into their area, holding an orange. "So when do I die?"
Eliot: "You kill Hardison and then yourself because your life is now unfulfilled. Then you wake up from dieing because your long lost lover (he pointed to Nate) is in trouble and you will die again saving him."
Parker interrupted: "You come back again and help Santa because you are really an elf and jump in front of Santa to intercept deadly tinsel." She held up a wad of the 'deadly tinsel'. "Because a computer hacker named Harrison fared to make Santa look bad and this was conveniently a guy from the naughty list who tried to attack Santa because he though Santa wasn't real."
Sophie stared at them, each nodding approvingly at their handiwork, her orange halfway to her mouth.
Nate looked at her. "So you see why this was a bad idea."
But Sophie addressed the two. Finally she squealed: "I love it! So Romeo-Juliet. So romantic!" She turned to Nate. "Why do you ever die for me like that?"
"Because I much prefer being alive and you know how I fee about dieing by tinsel."
Sophie grimaced. "Right, I almost forgot. Madrid, 1987. Sorry about that, by the way." She paused. "Did you ever have that tinsel removed, Nate?"
Nate nodded. "Surgically… twice." He winced.
Parker turned to Eliot. "We have to add that in the script."
Nate became outraged. "No, you will not." Everyone glowered at him. "I, uh, I die as the lover. How can I be Santa if I'm dead?"
Parker inhaled excitedly. "The lover… is Santa Clause!"
"Perfect!" Sophie clapped.
"How?" Nate demanded.
"You die of tinsel because you gave your life to jump in front of Sophie who had to avenge your death… again."
"How does that make sense?" Nate asked.
Hardison turned to Nate. "Dude, killing yourself is not the answer."
"Yeah, Nate. Take it from me."
Hardison: "Might I remind you of Miss Sophie Devereaux flowers from her dear Chaos, all the times that she's been blown up, shot or otherwise injured. This girl knows her stuff. It's like a fantasy of hers."
Sophie grinned. "Isn't all life a fantasy?"
Eliot hrumphed (it is now a verb). "She was wearing a bullet proof vest when I shot her, that doesn't count."
"And she was an elf." Parker said, as if it explained everything.
"No she wasn't," Nate pointed out. "You were the elf."
"Oh," Parker sighed.
"Who's writing all this down for my résumé?"
"What do you need a résumé for?" Hardison asked.
"For when I look for new work. I need something to show them."
Parker jumped up and grabbed Sophie. "You can't leave!"
Eliot nodded. Nate took of his glasses. "Now, I don't usually wear glasses, but I think this moment called for some seriousness." He looked at Sophie. "What will I do without my death-scene empress?" (Chaomaiden's words, not Zeta's.)
Hardison joined the hug. "Don't leave me! I'll give you all the gummies and orange soda that you can stomach."
Eliot: "And I'll kill you more often… wait-"
Sophie: "Oh, that's nice…" She turned away from Eliot. "But-"
Parker held onto Sophie's leg for dear life. "Please don't leave me, Mommy!"
Everyone looked at her with puppy dog eyes.
"You certainly are pathetic children, aren't you?"
Parker: "Yes, they are."
Eliot and Hardison nodded. "And we throw tantrums, too."
Nate, wide eyed, said: "We work together at it."
Parker looked up, "And I'll help!"
Nate got onto his knees, pleading with her. "Please don't leave me!"
Sophie tried desperately to get her hands back. "Now Nate, really."
"These guys, they're so bad and annoying!"
"Yes, we are!" They confirmed.
Nate burst out: "I love you!"
Sophie was shocked.
Hardison: "And I got that on tape!"
Parker: "Victory! Wait… she stole is heart?" She flung herself to the floor if front of Sophie. "Teach me your ways, oh wise one!"
Sophie: "Did you ever think that you need me too much?"
"We'll give you more death scenes!" Nate pronounced.
And with that, the team went into show business and made millions. But they got really bored and no one came to see their shows, so they went back to being cons.
Sophie said: "I still want my death scenes."
Tada. Uh... so, please review. Nothing negative. As I warned you in the summary, this was going to be a complete and utter flop. SO DON'T COMPLAIN I WASTED YOUR TIME! Have a nice day.