A/N: I guess this is set in series 3, before everyones finds out about Morgana's evilness. It's just a bit of fun (I know the language is modern, it's not meant to be realistic) and I hope you like it! If you do, reviews are always appreciated...
Disclaimer: Nothing has changed since during the three days since I last posted something; so I still don't own Merlin.
Morgana rubbed her aching cheeks and turned to her sister, who was pacing up and down the drafty old castle, concocting some new evil plan that would ultimately fail.
"Morgause," she began, voice dripping with whinge. "Why do I have to keep smirking like this? It's really beginning to hurt my cheeks..."
"Quiet, sister. I am trying to think."
There was a pause as she thought.
"Morgaaaauuussseee!" Morgana pouted. "Please! I really don't see why I have to keep smirking all the time - it looks stupid."
"How do you know what it looks like, sister, you can't see yourself."
"I practise in the mirror. I think it makes me look like a psychopathic, patricidal maniac. Of course, I am a psychopathic, patricidal maniac, but I'd prefer it if it wasn't quite so obvious."
Morgause said nothing.
"It puts off all the cute guys. They used to fawn all over me, and now they treat me like I've got the plague. I'm sick of it. If you'd warned me that this being evil lark came with a vow of celibacy I'd never have gone along with it. Honestly... I'm so desperate I might even consider flirting with Merlin. I mean, Merlin? Have you seen his ears? I'm surprised he even manages to fit through doorways with those things..."
"Sister, this is no time for vanity. We are trying to overthrow the monarchy, not get you a boyfriend. Besides, you're a baddie. You have to have a 'thing'."
"Yeah, you know. A 'thing'. Something you always do all the time just to remind people that you're a jerk."
"Which people? People aren't supposed to know that I'm a jerk, are they? I thought people were meant to think that I was one of the good guys. If I wanted it to be obvious that I was evil, why have we spent all of this time with me being nice to Uther?"
Morgause was getting very irate. "The good guys aren't meant to see you doing it!"
"Then what's the point in doing it at all? It's not like there's anyone else watching who needs reminding that I'm bad, is there? You know I'm a jerk; I know I'm a jerk; Cenred knows I'm a jerk. Who else needs to know?"
There was an exasperated sigh. "It's just cool, okay? It's an unspoken baddie rule. Your thing is smirking, my thing is lisping..."
"Yeah. You know, all that ssssissster stuff? I know it sounds daft, but lisping is my cool bad guy thing."
"Oh. I just thought you had a speech impediment. I wasn't going to mention it."
It seemed as if they'd settled the issue, but then Morgana started up again.
"It just doesn't seem practical. I can understand why you can do it; everyone knows you're a baddie. I'm supposed to be a traitor. All the smirking just seems to be asking for trouble."
Morgause had stopped listening.
"And another thing: what's with the clothes I wear? Strutting around the castle in a bright, shiny purple cloak, and heels that clip-clop all over the stone floors. I'm supposed to be being inconspicuous. That hardly seems inconspicuous."
Morgause started humming to herself in her head.
"I just think that when I'm sneaking around, getting up to evil shenanigans, I ought to be making more of an effort not to be painfully obvious. Like... the random stabbing of perfectly nice guards. It just seems a bit unnecessary, is all."
Morgause was humming out loud now.
"Not that I don't like killing random strangers, it's great fun. I just think that it draws quite a lot of attention."
It was fairly obvious that Morgause was paying no attention: she was now dancing (badly).
"Maybe that's why all our evil plans fail, do you think? I'm not trying to criticise your evil plan hatching..."
Morgana watched her sister, who was in the corner bumping and grinding to imaginary music.
"Or perhaps it's Merlin? I don't like to poke holes, but he always seems to foil our plans. I don't see how, he's just some scrawny servant; but he always seems to know exactly what we're planning. Don't you think that's odd? I mean, he managed to break out of unbreakable chains: that's just not normal. Why don't we just kill him?"
Morgause shook her head and sighed. "Stop being ridiculous sister. I've been evil for a lot longer than you, and I think I know what I'm doing, thank you very much. Why don't you stop yapping and get back to stirring the potion?"