SM owns everything Twilight... I own this story.

Diary of a Bored Housewife

CHAPTER 1: Shoot me now!

Monday March 2

Dear Diary,

Same shit different day I guess. The kids woke up and did their thing as I got myself ready for work. Jake helped out with them before kissing my cheek and heading out the door. He's usually pretty good at these things. Riley had his usual banana and glass of milk while Bree made a fit about her hair and refused to eat.

Typical day in the Swan-Black household.

When I met Jake eleven years ago, my junior year in college, I never thought we'd make it this far. But here we are, two kids, two jobs, two cars, a marriage and a mortgage. Kids are great, job's good, cars are both rusty but trusty, marriage is on the rocks at best, orgasm still ain't happening, apparently working 24/7 is a good excuse, and the house is almost paid for.

It's all a lot of work and on most days I'm very overwhelmed.

Speaking of work, we are getting a new boss next week. Should be interesting. Can't wait to meet this prodigy that's supposed to lead the way for our firm. He's been around for a while at the Chicago branch and apparently Banner's stepping down to give this guy an opportunity to come settle himself in Seattle.

Fuck, I was just getting on the good side of that ass hole.

XOXOXOXO

Tuesday March 3

Dear Diary,

Work sucked donkey balls yesterday, Alice was out sick, Emmett was a pain in the ass, as usual, Jake worked late again and the kids were acting up.

Thank god these days are few and far between.

The ad agency is growing and Mr. Banner is finally leaving tomorrow. The Chicago office sent us the boxes of Mr. Cullen's things. Mr. Cullen, haven't met him yet, sounds pretentious. Apparently he's a hard ass.

Can't be any worst than Banner though.

My clients are very happy with our work. The team is wonderful. Alice is always full of new ideas and Emmett is great at making deals and handling the paperwork. I just draw it all up and make it look pretty. I am lucky enough to be working with my two best friends; there are some perks to working at Anthony & Co.

Bree is getting braces next week. I can't believe she's already ten years old.

Getting pregnant on my first date with Jake was a blessing and a curse. Who knew the pill wasn't 100% foolproof? We've made it work for us as best as we possibly could all this time, I hope it gets better.

Riley got his first adult tooth in, about time, he's eight now.

The dentist appointment this afternoon was a revelation for those two as well as my pocketbook.

Mrs. Black is coming over for dinner Saturday. That evil bitch better not spew any of her religious beliefs on me again, I think I'll feign being sick. Again. It worked last time.

Jake loves his mother, but she is truly a torn in my side. The kids are excited to see her, but for the life of me, I don't know why. She can't even be sweet with them.

Dad called again, mom wants us to come over for Sunday brunch. That should be fun. I love to spend time with them. The trip to Forks should be fun.

XOXOXOXO

Thursday March 5

Dear Diary,

Jake got a new client so he'll be working long hours for a few more weeks. Apparently the classic car he's working on demands an overall of new parts. His new assistant Leah will be great help, she is nice, we met her last night when I brought the kids over at the garage to have some family time. I'm glad she's married, but I'm not worried, truly, his sex drive is nonexistent, I can't remember the last time we... Oh god this is depressing.

XOXOXOXO

Friday March 6

Dear Diary,

Kids were nice today. Bree got good grades on her English essay. Who knew they did that in 4th grade? Geez.

Met Alice's new boy toy at lunch today. Jasper's nice, that southern accent is enough to melt the panties off of my hoohah. Alice agreed.

Emmett hit on Rose again, it was fun to watch her tell another waitress to serve our table. Those two better get it on soon, the sexual tension is thick enough to choke on.

Had to call the plumber about the leaky pipe in the basement. Can't wait to get that bill.

Jake called off dinner with his mother, I can't say I'm angry about that. But he'll be working all weekend. Again.

XOXOXOXO

Saturday March 7

Dear Diary,

Went to the park with the kids this afternoon. They had a blast. We went for a walk and had ice cream. Jake really missed out, they missed him today.

Alice called to rave about her date. Good lord it sounded good.

My dry spell is all wrong, I'm a married woman for crying out loud. Arghh...

On the up side, one of the parents at the park was checking me out. Well, that's what Bree said he was doing. Who relies on a ten year old? Me, I'll take it. Yup, the Bells has still got it going on. Two kids and I can still wear a bikini. I turned to see him but he was walking off with his son. The back of his head was nice to look at. Weird hair colour though, looked almost like copper, I hope, for his sake, that it's real.

XOXOXOXO

Sunday March 8

Dear Diary,

Sunday brunch at mom and dad's was nice. The kids had fun. The drive to Forks was long and Riley nodded off. The drool on the side of his mouth was gross, according to Bree. She made a fuss about it.

My old truck won't hold out for too much longer, I'm lucky to have had it for this long. Jake has wanted me to get a new car for a while now, he says the truck is 'good for show, but not fit for travel'. I think we'll go shopping next week. We can afford it, I just love my truck, I'll miss the old boy.

Mom made French Toast and Bree helped, she was so proud. Dad played catch with Riley.

Mom made a comment about the last time they had seen Jake. I hadn't noticed but apparently it's been a while. Like a long while.

Like my orgasm, my husband hasn't been around too much. I miss the company. I miss my husband too.

Work tomorrow. New guy is starting. We have a meeting with him to let him into our current projects. That should be fun. I hope he doesn't make me redo the Seeman's ads. I hate that project and we are one week away from the official launch. Emmett sold them the ideas, Alice discussed product placement and I came up with the new slogan and image. They love it. I don't, not my best work. Whatever, it's just another job. I can't believe they're putting that on a billboard.

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