Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, or even the fanfic idea. If you're a fan of Hey Arnold, and Arnold and Helga go read xxxgrimlullaby's afraid. It's awesome!
"What are you afraid of?"
The question repeated itself in her mind over and over like a broken record. Jo's question had her thinking for hours. Both girls were lounging by the pool on a beautiful bright sunny California morning.
The BTR boys were busy dunking and splashing each other. And Jo noticed that Camille was having trouble keeping her eyes off of Logan's laughing drenched form.
"So what have you been doing lately?" Jo had asked.
Camille looked down, her fingers were suddenly very interesting to her.
"I'm just not ready." She said. "It seems like Logan got over me so easily, it's time for me to as well."
Camille smiled a small smile, "It's about time, don't you think?"
"Why don't you go talk to him, tell him how you feel. You never know, maybe he's feeling the same way, and hurting too."
Camille snorted, "yeah right, does that look like someone who's hurting to you? Besides, this is all my fault, I cheated. I kissed James."
"But I thought that was an accident, I thought Logan forgave you for that."
"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened. And now Logan wants nothing to do with me."
"What are you afraid of?"
Camille honestly didn't know what she was afraid of. She answered Jo with a shrug, then excused herself. She walked straight to her apartment, then locked herself in her room. Her mind reeling. What was she afraid of? Logan? Making a commitment? Loosing him forever by circumstance worse than kissing his best friend.
Camille sat at her desk and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, preparing to write down what she was afraid of, hoping that'll make her feel a little better.
Three hours later, Camille woke up with a kink that developed in the back of her neck. She stood and stretched, pulling the sheet of paper from her cheek, chuckling.
She read it over, sighing when she noticed almost everything that she had written down was about Logan. Just like everything in her life.
She sighed again and folded the paper into a heart. Maybe Jo was right, maybe she was just afraid. Making up her mind, she put the paper in her front pocket to keep it close, and cleaned herself up, leaving the apartment to look for the boy in question.
After looking for thirty minutes, Camille just sighed sitting on the chairs in the lobby, head in her hands. She pulled out the heart letter just staring at it for a moment. Maybe she was right after all. Her and Logan were not meant to be. She stood and headed towards the elevator, looking down. She didn't see the figure leaving the elevator bumping into her, sending them both sprawling to the ground.
"Ouch!" She mumbled rubbing her forehead and backside as the figure who knocked her down pulled her to her feet. She was about to start yelling at them to start watching where they were walking, but gasped when she saw who it was. "Logan!"
"Yep, pleasure running into you here too Camille." He chuckled dusting himself off.
Camille blushed and looked down, chuckling as well.
"Well, I have to go." She said, desperately needing to leave his presence. She wanted to kiss him, and he was only a few inches away, so close yet so far.
Logan watched as she entered the elevator, barely breathing after she left his presence. After catching his breath he shook his head to clear her image and started to walk towards to pool where his friends were.
He took one step when he noticed he stepped on something. He looked down and pulled a wrinkled heart shaped paper off the bottom of his shoe.
He looked around to see if it belonged to any one. He knew he shouldn't read it, he had respect for the privacy of others. But curiosity got the better of him, so he looked around again, opening the heart noticing that it was Camille's writing.
It all made sense, he found the note the exact place where she was knocked down. He wanted to close the note back up, but started reading, hoping that it give him a little clue to why Camille was acting distantly towards him.
He sat down on one of the chairs in the lobby and started reading.
I'm afraid of spiders, what do they need all those legs and eyes for anyway.
I'm afraid of heights, well more of the fall then of the actual altitude.
But those are just dismal fears.
I'm afraid my friends are going to realize how much more talented they are than me, and leave me when they go fulfill their dreams, and I'm stuck here like the looser I am.
But my biggest fear is Logan. He's had my heart since I met him, and he's kept a solid grasp on it. His smile sends my pulse into overdrive, and I feel my whole body shake. I'm afraid of his eyes, those all knowing irises that draw me in and slowly suffocate me. I'm afraid of how he makes me feel. Alive and like I'm not the failure I know I am.
I'm afraid to ask him for another chance, because I know he's not going to. He's perfection, body, mind and soul. I feel like I'm going to mess it all up in the end, resulting in him not even wanting to be my friend.
Jo was right, I am afraid. I'm afraid that Logan has my heart, and no matter what, I would live with this fear if that means having him in my life forever…
Logan was at a loss for words. One, he was sure that if Camille didn't make it as an actress, she had writing to fall back on. Two, he had no idea that Camille felt that strongly about him. Sure even a blind person could tell she had a thing for him, creating fake auditions to kiss him, stalking him and just trying to be in his life as much as she could. But after they broke up he wasn't so sure. She started avoiding him. Making sure she left the room when he came near. It confused him to no end, he said he wanted to be friends still. He should have known, Camille was a drama queen, she always took things to the extreme.
That was one of the things he loved about her. She went crazy about things she was passionate about, she saw something and she wasn't afraid to go for it. Or so he thought. He had no idea Camille was afraid of anything, she never acted like it. She was talented and smart and funny. They way her eyes lit up when she saw something she liked, how she used her hands when she talked. Logan lost himself many times in their conversations watching her talk. She was always so animated.
That was what Logan loved about her. She was interesting, a puzzle that Logan had trouble solving. Camille wasn't the only one afraid of their relationship. He used James and her kiss as an excuse to break up with her and escape the overwhelming feeling of falling in love with her. Well if she was too afraid to share her feelings with him, then he'll just have to do something that he'd never done before. He'd have to man up, and face his own fears, and he knew just the way to do it.
Camille looked everywhere, the letter was gone. She checked both her front and back pockets a million times.
"Where are you, you stupid paper?" She mumbled under her breath then stopped straightening abruptly.
Oh no. No no no no no! Logan! She last had the letter she'd written out when she ran into Logan. Most likely he's read it, and is showing it to the other BTR boys and the four of them are laughing hysterically at her expense.
That thought made Camille's blood boil, no way in hell was Logan and the guys going to get away with that.
She marched to her front door, throwing it open and marching down to 2J.
Logan was standing in the middle of the hallway, that irresistible smirk on his gorgeous features. Arms crossed, leaning against the wall.
Camille marched up to him, and was about to slap him, but he was prepared for that. He grabbed her arm, pulling her to him. Smiling at Camille's wide eyes. For the first time since he's met her, she looked at him speechless, forgetting why she was mad at him in the first place.
Logan's lips attacked hers in a fiercely passionate kiss. She froze against his sturdy muscular form, slowly kissing him back. She was lost in the haze, her head swimming as his hands clenched hers, prying her fingers apart, and she vaguely felt him place something in her palm before pulling away.
She looked up at him speechless, eyes glazed, and Logan admitted to himself that he liked seeing her like that. He smiled against her ear whispering, "it's play to be afraid sometimes." He then pulled away, and walked the rest of the way back to 2J, sneaking one more look her way, smiling when he saw her, looking speechless for a change.
Camille forgot how long she stood in the hallway, her mind was a buzz. Did that really happen? Did Logan really just kiss her speechless, or did her over active imagination make it all up and she was still in her apartment fuming over loosing her letter.
She looked down, feeling something wrinkling in her right hand. Leaning against the wall for balance, she opened the paper noticing her own writing and words glare up at her. And someone else's underneath instructing her to read the other side. She turned the paper over, gasping at Logan's neat scrawl. She looked up, glancing at apartment 2J for a moment before looking down at the letter in her hands.
Camille, it started.
Spiders need eight legs and eyes to better see in their environment, and for maneuvering around their web, they wouldn't want to get stuck now would they?
Typical, Logan would get all technical with her.
But don't worry about them too much, they're more scared of you then you are of them, but I'll gladly kill every spider I see for you. Don't be afraid of falling, I'll hold on tightly and never let go. As for everyone going on to do bigger and better things, well you're going to be right there with us. You don't see your true potential. You're an amazing actress, talented and beautiful. And I just realized, an inspiring writer, so you'll excel at anything you put your mind to, just go for it, you never know what'll happen.
As for us, I'm not going to lie and say that you didn't scare me at first. You were weird and crazy, always just popping out of nowhere. It wasn't until later I realized how endearing that was. How much my life depended on those little moments that you'd given me. When we started dating those feelings deepened, and I was afraid of them. I used you and James kissing as an easy way out. I was falling in love with you, and that scared me more than anything has ever scared me before. But I'm willing to live with that fear if that means having you by my side to be scared with. I love you Camille, always have, always will. And I'm not afraid of that anymore…. so you shouldn't be either.
Camille felt hot tears leak out of her eyes, she read and re-read the letter so many times she wanted to memorize his words. He was afraid too, but if he was willing to kick his fear aside to be with her, then the hell with it, she could make the same sacrifice.
Sucking in all the strength and courage she had, she walked to the door marked 2J and knocked on the door. Glad that it was Logan who opened the door. She threw herself into his arms, kissing him deeply. Not listening to the cat calling and whistling from the other three boys lounging in the living room.
She pulled away, smiling at him. "I'm not afraid if you're not." Logan smiled and kissed her again.
A/N: This idea was inspired by XXXGrimlullaby's "afraid" from "Hey Arnold" I'm feeling a little depressed with the newest Big Time Rush episode coming out, and Logan flirting with someone else, so to make me feel better I decided to indulge myself and write this. I hope you enjoy. I sure did…. *wink* Love you all.