Sliding the windowpane aside, Kurosagi stared out at the dark starless sky. He couldn't remember when the last time he truly saw stars. He believed those bright wonders of heaven were only reserved for the joyful people, and it was obvious he didn't fit into that category. He chuckled back a sad laugh. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a window being slide open next door, and he knew he wasn't alone anymore. And in some unexplainable ways, he had expected her to join him tonight...their "balcony-meetings" had been very frequent lately. Although Kurosagi would never admit it, but deep down, he had longed to see her, to see her angelic face.
...I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me...
He was fully aware that his budding feelings for this fascinating neighbor would pose an extreme danger to himself. Ever since she had crashed into his life, this steadfast girl had challenged him every step of the way, intruding into his secretive world. He tried so hard to push her away, to rid all thoughts of her. However, it didn't help one bit that she was living right next door. The more he wanted to get her out of his mind, either memories of her face or her voice would come back in full force. Or else, he would see her in real, and she would become more beautiful each time. Therefore, the only solution Kurosagi could think of was to force her to move out. The less they bumped into each other, the faster he could forget about her. Or would it? He was scared to think otherwise. Also, whenever Kurosagi saw her, he would put on a cool front and act as if he was annoyed with her...hoping it would scare her off. Well, he was annoyed with her...or maybe more so with himself. He didn't understand why he would let this girl get under his skin...to let her have this power over him, to affect him in ways nobody had ever done so before. He was terrified of this foreign feeling...this loss of control over himself. He was frightened that the wall he built so hard to protect himself would crumble down sooner or later...if she continued to be in his life.
But ever since he saved her on the train track, their lives had been intertwined together by this force...or fate? Kurosagi caught himself before the thought could go any further, since when did he believe in this foolish thing called fate? He threw a glance at her, indeed, she reminded him of an angel in that white t-shirt of hers. Yet he quickly tore his eyes away when she turned around and faced him. He was afraid of her eloquent eyes, studying him, almost as if she was reading him like a book. Though most of all, he was afraid of drowning in them. Kurosagi could see the abundance of care, concern, warmth, and love in those beautiful eyes... Oh how much he wanted to surrender to those feelings she offered him...to reach out to her. However, he couldn't...for his own good, and mainly for her sake.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by...
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
There were so many demons in him...slowly torturing him...perhaps eating him alive. He couldn't let his past ruin her...this innocent girl, who deserved all the happiness in the world. He knew he could never give those things to her...never. As much as he wanted to never see her again, he knew he won't be able to make her move out. He saw how hard she had been working lately, and even starving herself to save up enough money...he didn't have the heart to see her like that. "Yoshida!" He broke the silence between them, purposely calling her the wrong name. Oh he knew her name...he knew it well...Yoshigawa Tsurara. But he won't let her know; he couldn't let her know that he did pay attention to everything about her. "It's Yoshigawa...come on, at least remember my name correctly..." she complained, and she was interrupted by her own growling stomach.Kurosagi chuckled upon hearing that, "You don't need to move out..." He could hear her surprised reaction, although he didn't see her face. He could imagine her large eyes, made rounder by shock. The cute, endearing look on her heart-shaped face... "As long as you promise me, that you won't intrude in my business anymore."She was silent for a moment, "I heard about the story behind Cinderella from Sumiko-san."He was shocked, to say the least...surprised that she had met Sumiko-san. Wow, she was much more involved in his life than he had originally thought, and that worried him...but he shrugged it off. Then suddenly, something snapped in Kurosagi...like a water dam had broken...all the water rushing out uncontrollably. "Hey...imagine, can you?" He closed his eyes, as if giving himself a chance to rethink his decision...that he could still back out if he wanted to. Yet he knew he wanted to do this; it was way long overdue. And he couldn't think of anyone better to share this with...except her. Only her. "Imagine your family being killed in front of your eyes...and the killer was your own father!" For the very first time ever since that incident, which he had never spoken a word of...not to anyone, he chose her... He suddenly realized she was someone he could trust. His haven. Hence he opened himself up to her, well, at least this locked-up past of his, only this part he could share with her. "There was nothing I could do...I couldn't do anything...so can you imagine?""Can you even imagine...can you even comprehend what it was like?" Before Kurosagi could stop himself, tears were slowly forming in his eyes. "It cannot end like that...it won't! It may become a part of the past in the world of the media and other people. But before the victims themselves can truly accept the truth, the cruel reality of it, it will not have a closure." Then, the tears began to fall...slowly down his cheeks. He surprised himself, because he actually shared his inner-most thoughts with her. That he wanted her to know how he felt. And most of all, he was shocked that he let the tears out...and he wasn't afraid to let her see him cry. "If you want me to live well," he finally looked at her, "For my sake, please stop liking me." He had no idea where he got the courage to say that. He didn't dare to ask himself if that was what he truly wanted. All he knew was that he had no other way. There was never any escape route. He studied her reaction, slowly taking his time to look at her delicate features. As if he won't ever get another chance to see her face again...and he wanted to remember her sweet face...and engraved it to his memory.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.Kurosagi could see her struggling; her face pained. His throat was dried, a bit choked up with all the emotions bottling up inside. He swallowed the bile that was threatening to come up…as if he could gulp these conflicting feelings down. He saw her closed her eyes, resting her hands on her heart...and he had to look away. He couldn't bear it any longer...he knew if his eyes dwell on her for just one more moment, he would take it all back. He would lose his resistance...and he once again reminded himself he couldn't do that. He didn't have the luxury to accept her love for him. "I understand. " Tsurara quietly agreed.The moment Kurosagi heard her response, disappointment and relief hit him hard. He didn't want to admit he was disappointed, but a part of him wished she had refused his heartless request. He blew out a breath, and tried to pretend he was relieved...well, he was, but not the bigger part of him. Before he could close his window...before he could retreat back to his safety... "Just please remember this...you are not alone." Tsurara said with a new determination in her voice.Kurosagi's heart skipped a beat upon hearing her declaration...oh how much he wanted to believe in her. She then continued, "If you get arrested somewhere, or dying in some place far away, you are not alone." If he thought he had lost control back then...he was wrong. Because his frozen heart was melted by these precious words of hers, bringing him warmth he had not felt for a long, long time. But along with the warmth, there was also a huge pang of sadness rushed through him...making him sick in his stomach. Because he knew he could never be with her.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face...
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you