-M for language and sexiness later-
Magnus lounged on his couch, sipping a glass of scotch, comfortable, content, happy. His eyes were closed, head tilted back, absently petting Chairman Meow. The fire clicked and popped beside him, making him warm on the outside as much as the scotch did inside. Fat, heavy raindrops fell against the black windows, coating the night in a blanket of water and cold air. He sighed. The only thing that would make this night any better would be someone to hold. A certain pale, dark haired, shy someone.
But no. Keeping the relationship –whatever it was- meant that he wasn't allowed to be spend every waking moment with him like he desperately wanted to. He couldn't run up to him and kiss him deeply, letting him feel how much he cared for him. He couldn't hold his hand or play with his hair or call him or…or do anything that was planned ahead in utter secret.
He took the last drag off of his cigarette and put it out, leaning back and deciding not to dwell on it.
The door buzzed and he frowned. He thought for a moment and decided to ignore it. He shrugged and lied back again, listening to "Comfortably Numb" play softly through the loft.
The buzzer sounded again and he growled. "Interrupt my evening, interrupt Pink Floyd, what kind of monster does that?" He snarled. Chairman Meow plopped off the couch and went into the bathroom.
He stalked down the stairs, angrily mumbling the several unholy things he was going to do to whoever was on the other side of his front door. Fuming, he ripped it open.
He froze. Isabelle was standing in the doorway, pale, worried and on the verge of tears.
"Isabelle?" He asked, frowning.
"Is, is Alec here?" She asked shakily. He quirked an eyebrow at her.
"Why would he be here?" He asked, his lie and concealment expertly placed. She rolled her eyes, a tear leaking to her cheek that she quickly wiped away.
"Don't be stupid, I know you're still seeing each other," she scoffed. He smirked.
"And what lead you to believe that?" He challenged. She chuckled a little.
"The third time he said your name in his sleep."
He blushed, surprised and definitely taken aback.
"He did?" He asked quietly, letting vulnerability show in his voice and his face. She nodded. He cleared his throat and shook his head, gaining his bearings. "What's wrong? Where's Alec?"
The worry returned full force to her face. "That's just it, I don't know. He's been gone since this morning. Jace is mad at Clary, Clary's being stupid as usual, Mom and Dad aren't around and the only reason I noticed my big brother was gone was because Church told me!"
He nodded, his face serious. "Alright, alright, Isabelle, I'll find him. Get back in the cab and go home. I'll call you if he turns up, alright?"
"Okay, okay," she said, taking a deep, shaking breath.
"Izzy," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders, smiling gently. "I will find your brother. He probably went for a walk and lost track of the time."
"It's raining. He's gonna get sick. God…I thought after Idris that he'd be…that all of it would…"
"He still doesn't want to talk about it," He said quietly, trying to keep all emotion from his voice. "I thought he'd be ready but he's not. I don't know what to do…He won't even say I love you back…" He shook his head again. "I'll find him. And I'll make sure he's alright."
She smiled, touching his shoulder. "I know you will."
He watched her cab drive away, leaving him alone. He sighed, stepping out into the rain, pulling his hood over his head. He looked left, then right, sighing. He had to start somewhere.
He went to any coffee shop he could find, every library, anywhere quiet and secluded that he could go where no one would bother him. He tried not to think about him. It hurt to. He hadn't seen him much since they'd come back from Alicante, since the celebration, since he'd told him he loved him.
He offered up his soul and his heart, laid it out, vulnerable and naked. And Alec had just…God, he didn't know how he felt. He didn't know if he really, truly wanted to be with him. He wondered if he'd only kissed him in the Accords Hall because he wanted to get his sexuality off of his chest, not that he wanted to be with him…not that he loved him.
He shook his head. It hurt his heart to think about that. He'd never, ever let himself get close to anyone, not ever. Everyone around him would die, everyone wanted to hurt him, or wanted something from him. He couldn't trust people. But Alec was different. He didn't think Alec could hurt him. He was wrong.
He shook his head again, deciding to check the park. Why the hell he would be out in this awful rain, he didn't know. He sighed, shaking his now wet hair out of his eyes.
He followed a trail, muttering incantations that might help him find him, doing his best to clear his mind so they would work properly. He was only halfway successful.
After at least another hour of walking through trails and getting soaked to the bone, he saw him.
He was sitting on top of a picnic table, staring out at the city in front of him, knees pulled to his chest, hood hiding his dripping hair. He sighed, relieved that he was right in thinking he'd merely taken a walk and gotten distracted.
He stopped beside him, looking at all the lights that were blurred from the curtain of water.
"You scared your sister half to death," he said over the rain. Alec didn't move.
"Yeah? Took her long enough. I didn't think anyone would notice," he said darkly.
"Well, considering you never talk to me I suppose no one would. Your sister wouldn't have worried if you were with me," Magnus smirked. Alec scoffed but said nothing. Magnus looked at him. He couldn't see his face, only the tip of his pinked nose.
"You're going to get sick staying out here like this," the warlock said pointedly. "Come with me, I'll-"
The word was flat, cold, and hurt his heart. Magnus frowned, his heart wounded. He kept it from his voice.
"Why not? You obviously don't want to go home-"
"I want to be alone," he growled. Magnus frowned.
"Well too damn bad." Alec looked up at him for the first time, angry. "If I can't be with you when I want to be then you can't be alone when you want to."
Alec was pale, lips purple and shaking, nose pinked, eyes ringed and puffy. He stood, his hood falling back.
"Go away, Magnus," he demanded.
"No," he said firmly.
"Make me." Before Magnus could blink, or process what was happening Alec had him pinned to the ground, a seraph blade at his throat. It burned and sizzled against his neck. He stared up at Alec, wincing in pain.
"You really want me to do that?"
"Alexander!" He gasped. "You-you're hurting me!" The anger in Alec's face faded and he jumped away, throwing the knife. Magnus stood, touching the burn on his neck, tears in his eyes that were quickly swallowed.
"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry." Magnus touched the burn, looking at the blood on the tips of his fingers.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asked. Alec looked at him for a beat before rushing him again, slamming him against the tree.
"You know what's wrong with me?" He hissed. Magnus didn't move, just looked at him. "I'm a faggot, a freak. Just like you!"
"Yes," he said simply. The rage built in Alec's eyes.
"I'm a cocksucking queer, a monster, just like you."
"Yes," just a soft whisper. Alec grabbed his face, forcing their lips together. Magnus let him. He took what he could get, despite of how pathetic it was. Alec didn't usually treat him like this. He was the one that usually called the shots. He usually had to kiss him and make that cute little face blush.
He was anything but cute now. His muscles were rigid, eyes hard. He was a hunter now, looking into the face of something he usually killed. But there were tears in those bright eyes. Self-loathing.
"I'm a freak. The way people look at me, I…I blame you. I can't think because of you. I can't even sleep. I'm having dreams with monsters in them. Not nightmares, dreams. Do you know the things you've done to me in those, monster? Freak?" Alec was angry, and he was clouded by that. He didn't see the tears he was making in Magnus's heart as he spoke, didn't see the vulnerability slowly become unveiled as his venomous words met him.
"Alec," he whispered harshly. "Please…stop using that word."
The boy came back to himself then, realized that this wasn't some delusion of hypothermia or the fever he was getting. This was real. As was the nakedness of Magnus's eyes. His soul was right there for him to see and he...he did that. "I…I'm really sorry. I just need some time, okay?"
"TIME?" Magnus barked, incredulous. "You need time? I've given you time! It's been months! How much more time could you possibly need?"
"And there's the problem!" He said, smiling painfully. "That word right there. 'I'. You selfish little prick."
"Selfish?" Alec blanched.
"Yes, do you know what that word means?" Magnus asked, his voice filled with hurt and pain. "Have you ever stopped to wonder what I might need? Or what I want? I've done everything for you. I've tried…I've given you space, I've given you time, I've given you my fucking heart on a platter and you haven't even noticed."
"I'm tired of being a secret. I'm tired of not being able to hold your hand in front of your family, or look at you in a crowded room. Everyone knows, Alec, why are you still hiding from it? From me? Were you just using me, what? God, what I would give to give you one kiss right in front of Jace." Alec flinched at the thought. "There's nothing to be afraid of anymore, so why act like it? Why do you keep running from who you are? Why do I keep getting tossed aside like I'm nothing?"
"Thought that I could take it? That because I'm as old as I am that I don't have a heart anymore? That I must not give a damn about anything? Well I do. I care. I have emotions just like you. I waited. I let you do what you wanted I gave you time and secrecy and what did I get?" He demanded. He shook his head. "Do you know what I want? Hm? Do you know what I've been waiting for since the moment I first laid eyes on you?"
Alec scoffed. "Sex."
Magnus bowed his head, tears in his eyes again, chewing his lip. "Do you really think of me that way? Do you really think I would just use you like that? That I'm just some whore?"
Alec looked at him. God, why was he doing this? He wasn't meaning to cause him this much pain. He was so confused as to what he should do, worried what would happen if he let himself get close to Magnus. He didn't think he was a whore, but he couldn't possibly imagine why someone like Magnus wanted a thing like him. He gasped silently when he saw a few tears leak to his cheeks.
"No, I want…I want to hold you. I want to kiss you and show you how much you mean to me. I want to hear you say my name in your sleep. I want to wake up with you beside me. I want to love you like you deserve to be loved, Alexander."
He sniffed, wiping his eyes. "If you were just using me as a way to get your sexuality off of your chest tell me now. If I make you this miserable that you're going to stand in places like this and try to kill yourself, if you hate yourself this much and it's all my fault, I'll leave. I'll disappear and you never have to see me again."
No. He didn't want that. That was the last thing on earth he wanted. He didn't want Magnus to be away from him. The thought scared him.
Magnus read his silence differently. A silent sob escaped his lungs. He looked at him, swallowing hard. He'd been stupid to give his heart away to a boy who didn't know how fragile it was. He should have known he would break it.
"If that's what you want," he whispered. He nodded slowly, turning away from him, the rain hiding his tears and washing away the blood of his shattered heart. "I still love you, Alexander. Even if you don't love me back."
It took Alec a moment of staring at his retreating back before he bolted toward him.
He spun the warlock around, kissing him deeply. Magnus's eyes went wide before he let them close. His arms wrapped around the shivering Shadowhunter. "I love you," Alec gasped, nodding. "I love you more than anything. I'm sorry I've done this to you, I'm sorry I've made you think that I… I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I want those dreams, I want you." They were both crying, the only two for miles in the downfall.
"I don't want this to be a secret. I want to stand on top of buildings and scream it to the world. I've wanted to for awhile but I…I'm a puss. I was a scared little bitch, but not now. I don't care now, I want the whole fucking world to see you and I and know who we are."
Magnus hugged him close. "Shh. Relax. You'll be sick enough as it is." He lifted his chin. "I don't want this angry Shadowhunter. I want my Alec."
The boy shut his eyes, leaning into the warlock's chest.
The fighting in his head was gone. The tension, the anger, the confusion. He'd been fighting himself for so long, and when he had this beautiful, perfect man right in front of him he didn't even care to notice what he truly had.
He felt right tucked in his arms. Safe and wanted.
"Come home with me?" Magnus whispered. He nodded, keeping his eyes closed. This is what he wanted. This is what he had always wanted. He'd just been too stupid to see it. True love.
-Lemon next chap!-