Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I do own this plot though so kindly back off and write your own. Yeah I see you, you over there with the copy and paste button.

Story by Chellebelle583 of DCM.

AN: Hi guys, I'm still thrilled to be back and writing again, so thrilled in fact that I started a new story.

Don't be offended by Bella's attitude towards children in this story, it's fictional and not a representation of my own feelings at all.

Many buckets of love and sloppy wet kisses to my Beta Jarkin33 and Chartwilightmom. Both are authors in there own right and their stuff is fucking awesome.

Okay and I'm done.


"Just one more present, Bella then you can get the hell out of here" I tell myself.

It's ten days before Christmas and I'm in a packed mall full of overly excited little snot bombs.

I hate Christmas and I really hate kids.

After the seven thousandth little bastard 'accidentally' runs into me in their ridiculous need to hunt down the man in the red suit who will promise them things that will send his or her parents spiralling into debt, I am in serious need of some grown up time away from all these little shits and their overly stretched mothers.

It's their mothers I feel sorry for really. They not only had to spend nine months with an alien who took up residence in there body without even so much as a thank you on the way out, but they also have to spend the next eighteen years cleaning up after it.

No thanks. You won't catch me falling into that trap any time soon. There is a reason why I get the shot, use condoms and more often then not make a dude pull out before he shoots his evil baby making juice anywhere near my woo-hoo.

Condom or no condom, I'm taking no chances.

Of course all that applies to the period in my life when I did in fact have sex. Nowadays I prefer to steer clear of sperm wielding penises all together.

I grab the last of the presents off my list, a watch for my brother Jacob, generic I know, but it's the thought that counts.

I dump my stash of gifts in the boot of my car as soon as I get to the car lot and drive like a son of a bitch to my favourite bar in the city.

As soon as I walk in I spot my best friend behind said bar hosing off some dude who clearly got too fresh for her liking.

"I think you drowned the fly now, Rose" I laugh as I near the ridiculous scene.

"Bella! I'm so glad your here, I need your advice...Caitlin" I raise a hand before she can go any further.

"Rose we talked about you doing this. I'm so not qualified for giving out advice on child rearing and even if I was I wouldn't want to"

Rose rolls her eyes at me and laughs "That's fucking ridiculous, how can you not be qualified or is there something I need to tell the authorities?"

"Just because I happen to be a child psychologist does not automatically make me the knowledge queen on all things child related." I tell her seriously.

Yes that's right. The woman who despises children works with them five days a week. The only saving grace of my job is the money the practice brings in and the fact that they all go home at the end of their sessions.

"Bella, you are a walking fucking contradiction" Rose laughs.

I nod because it's true. No irony lost here. "Pour me my drink Rose, and no more talk of the little demons" I demand. Between work and the mall I am fresh out of any patience I may have had.

She scowls at me, clearly thinking I'm including her child in the demon category I have assigned all children into, which I am and I do. In fact Caitlin McCarty is the demon fucking queen. Her temper tantrums are things of legend.

Psychologically speaking I could have a field day.

Of course I smile sweetly and lie to my friend, telling her that Caitlin is maybe the only exception I make to my 'children suck' rule.

I never used to be this way. In fact I used to love them. They were the very reason I chose this career path and eventually set up on my own. However after years of listening to them whine and moan and blame every little thing on their parents I was put off by them considerably. The resentment these kids can hold is frightening and I would rather not breed at all if that's what you end up with.

It is what it is. The damage has been done.

"Bella, don't look, but that hottie over there has been checking you out pretty much the entire time you've been sat here" Rose tells me, breaking me away from my thoughts.

I shrug. I really don't have time for men today. Or in general. If I'm honest I prefer the company of my cat and vibrator...not together at the same time just to be clear. I find there is a significantly lower risk of impregnation with a vibrator.

"Oh come on, Bella, your lady parts could do with a little attention" Rose urges "Shit he's coming over here, don't you be a bitch" she warns with a wink and disappears to the other end of the bar.

"Excuse me, I...I um don't usually, um do this but um can I um maybe buy you an um drink" not if you say 'um' one more time I think to myself. I sigh and finally look up at the incredibly beautiful man with the confidence issues.

Um, wow.

"I guess so..?"

He face palms himself "So stupid" he mutters under his breath "Of course, my name, I should have told you that first, forgive me. I'm very out of practice with this kind of thing" he's rambling and he still hasn't told me his name.

"It's Edward" he finally gets out.

Edward is a nice solid name. I like it. No problems so far.

"Sit down, Edward and you can buy me a drink" I tell him.

He looks shocked, like he was expecting me to turn him down. I may have a problem with his ball sack and its contents, but I'm not fucking blind. The man is a work of art.

"Same again?" he asks.

I nod and he gestures to the bartender. Five minutes later I have my drink, a lemon martini and Edward and I have somewhat hit it off.

"So, what do you, Edward?"

He fidgets nervously in his seat. He's been doing that since he sat down and aside from the fact it's incredibly distracting it's also unexpected.

A man with looks like Edward possess should be brimming with self assurance. He on the other hand is anything but self assured and it doesn't necessarily take a PhD to see that.

Something...or someone has knocked this man's confidence significantly.

"I actually own a building firm with my two brothers." He says with a small hint of pride.

"That's very impressive. Are you a large firm?" I ask him.

"We do very well for ourselves, of course with the economy being the way it is, business is not as brilliant as it once was, but we're certainly getting by" he tells me.

"What about you...oh my god, I haven't even asked you your name yet!" Edward gasps. "Do you want me to just leave?"

I can't help but throw my head back in laughter "No, I don't want you to leave. Yes you probably should have at least inquired into my name by now; on the other hand I should have given it to you when you gave me yours."

His eyes narrow for a second "Why didn't you?"

"I wanted to see if you were deserving" I say.

"Really? Well assuming I have met this um, criteria you have set could I have the pleasure of your name?"

The word pleasure coming out of Edward's mouth does something to my woo-hoo.

I felt a fucking twinge. This shit will not do.

Twinges lead to humping, humping leads to babies, babies lead to the dark side...no hold on, that's Star Wars...actually it's pretty fucking accurate.

"Bella, my name is Bella" I finally tell him.

"That's an exceptionally pretty name" he compliments. I thank him and agree. It is a nice name after all.

"Well, Bella despite the fact it took me the entire conversation to learn your name, this has been wonderful and I would be very happy indeed if you would agree to going out to dinner with me sometime after the holidays" Edward says, as he stands to leave.

I think it over for a couple of seconds. Assuming I can control the twinges I see no immediate danger in this. "I'd like that, Edward. Why don't you call me after the New Year and we can arrange something."

Edward is smiling wide. It's a sight to behold. Rows of perfect white teeth and a glint in his unusually green eyes.

I feel another fucking twinge.

Edward leaves with my number and I say my goodbyes to Rose before going home.

When we get there I have a serious talk with my woo-hoo about self control and keeping it together around Edward.

I don't think she was listening.

The following day I'm in my office making some final notes on a patient. I had just had a particularly tiresome session. I mean how many times do I need to explain to this child that just because her parents say no to her does not make them abusive or neglectful as she claims. I had to resist the urge to tell her she is in fact a spoiled brat for sixty whole minutes.

Honestly, I mean kids are pretty self involved but this last one made Paris Hilton look as deep as the Atlantic Ocean.

A knock on my door signals that my next patient is ready to see me. My assistant, Lauren pops her head in my office, she's chewing on her gum like a pig and it's making me nauseous. I've asked her countless times to cut it out. I'd rather she took up smoking to be honest.

"Sam Cullen is here, Dr. Swan" she informs me.

And this really is the final nail in the coffin of my day. Sam Cullen is an angry and confused child if I ever did see one. It's hard to get him to talk about anything and his answers when they come, usually only consist of one word. Suffice to say, our progress hasn't been great.

"Send him in" I say reluctantly.

He comes in throws his satchel down on the floor with a loud 'thwack' and slumps into the seat across from mine.

His arms are folded and his nose is scrunched up. He seems less pleasant then normal.

"Afternoon, Sam and how are we today?" I ask.


"You seem a little dejected. Do you want to tell me why?" I press.


Hmmm. Well this is going well.

"Sam, I can't help you if you don't let me" I remind him for the six millionth time.

He shrugs "I told you before this wasn't my stupid idea. My stupid parents thought it was because they decided to get divorced and now because they feel guilty for being failures they send me to you once a week. It blows" he says in a rush.

It's actually more then I have gotten out of him in quite sometime. Something has definitely rattled his cage today.

"Is that how you see things, Sam. Do you think your parents failed you by not staying married?"

He fiddles with a hem on his jumper and shrugs.

"You can be honest in here Sam; you know nothing gets repeated to your parent's unless you want it to be"

He takes a deep breath and sits up straighter "I wish they were still together, but they aren't and they never will be...especially now" he says the last bit in a voice that's a little frightening if I'm honest.

"What significant thing has happened since our last session that makes you think this way?" I press.

"My dad's an asshole" okay short and to the point. My ovaries are once again recoiling in horror at the thought of ever reproducing, but I go on anyway.

"So your father is the primary reason for your feelings this week?" I ask him.

"Yep, he's a total asshole" I have a sudden vision of throwing my notebook at his head, my fingers grip said notepad tighter in case my subconscious tries to become my conscious.

"Yes I think we established the fact that you think your father is an 'asshole', what I need to know is why"

"I think he's getting a new girlfriend" he tells me.

The kid is openly glaring at me. It's not my fucking fault his father has found a new hole to stick it to.

See, if it's not the parent's fault it's the therapist.

"What makes you think he's seeing somebody new?"

"I heard him talking to my uncle Ben, he says he met a girl in some bar and how he think she's really pretty" he says in a mocking voice "It makes me want to puke."

"Sam, your parents divorce is not your fault, they're marriage was not a success but that does not make them failures and it does not mean they failed you. People grow apart; it's a fact of life. As soon as you come to terms with the new reality and the fact your parents will more then likely move on and find new partners the sooner your anger will dissipate" I tell him.

He stands up and stomps his foot "I don't want them to grow apart, I want them together and I want my dad to not get it on with the first whore he finds!" he screams at me.

I sit there stoically and wait for him to calm the fuck down.

Eventually he does and slumps back into the seat.

"Feel better now?" I ask him.

"Not really. My dad is still an asshole and my mom is still a bitch" I resist the urge to roll my eyes and with a quick glance at my watch I decide that's quite enough parental bashing for one day.

"Well I think we have enough to be working with for now, Sam. Why don't I go and see if your mom is in the waiting room while you get your things together" I advise.

Before I get chance to make my escape there is another knock on my office door. I know its Lauren I can here her chewing from here.

The girl is a cow in human clothes.

"Come in, Lauren"

Her blond hair appears and she tells me Sam's father has come to pick him up, something about the mother having a Botox emergency.

This should be interesting. I'm yet to meet the 'asshole' in question. I might get a better picture of Sam if I meet his father.

I walk into the waiting room; Sam's father is faced with his back to me flipping through some magazine.

I clear my throat to alert him to my presence.

He turns around and my woo-hoo bursts into tears.

It's Edward. The same Edward with the eyes and the twinge and the confidence issues.

Its the Edward.

Edward is the asshole.

Edward is the asshole with a kid. Two if I'm not mistaken.

Edward is taking me out to dinner after the holidays.

My mouth opens, but no words come out.

"You're Sam's doctor?" he asks.

"You're, the asshole" I say in disbelief and let's face it without really thinking it through.

Edward looks at me strangely, Lauren is nearby chewing and watching the horrendous scene unfold.

Sam has stepped out and apparently is not in a patient mood.

"Come on dad, why don't we go and bar hop for more skanks?" he says sarcastically.

Edward's head snaps to his son and back to me.

"What the hell have you done to my kid?" he questions.

I glare at him. If only he knew what his son had said about him while he was in session.

"I think you need to talk to him, Edward."

Edward nods "I see, well um, this is awkward but I hope it doesn't affect our date" he whispers. Most likely to keep Sam from hearing.

I want to tell him that it does, professionally and most definitely personally.

But I find myself saying the exact opposite.

My woo-hoo has taken control of the mother ship and we're all doomed.

AN: Please me sure to review, it makes my day!

Red devil and a newly squeezed Lemon posted yesterday. (Channels Mr.T) I pity the fool who misses those.

I'm back on Twitter Chellebelle583

And don't forget to check the blog for teasers. Link in profile.