Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I do own this plot though so kindly back off and write your own. Yeah I see you, you over there with the copy and paste button.

Story by Chellebelle583 of DCM.

AN: Hi guys, I'm still thrilled to be back and writing again, so thrilled in fact that I started a new story.

Don't be offended by Bella's attitude towards children in this story, it's fictional and not a representation of my own feelings at all.

Many buckets of love and sloppy wet kisses to my Beta Jarkin33 and Chartwilightmom. Both are authors in there own right and their stuff is fucking awesome.

Okay and I'm done.


Christmas came and went, it was the usual tedious affair that involved watching sports with Charlie, feigning interest in said sports and cooking more food than the two of us could ever reasonably eat in a life time. My least favourite part of Christmas is the endless phone calls from my Mother wanting to know when I would be making the trip to Phoenix to spend the holidays with her and Husband number six, James. My mother had become a very wealthy woman throughout her career of marrying and divorcing. I call it a career because she has dedicated her life's work to obtaining men with cash and kicking them out of the marital bed as soon as someone with a fatter bank account comes into her life.

I mean don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but my issues probably have a lot to do with her as well as my work. I was never what you would call a priority in her life. Which is why, by the time I was old enough to determine where I lived, I had opted to go home to Charlie in Forks.

I only left to attend Columbia for College and haven't left New York, other for holiday's of course, since then.

Edward and I had spoken several times since he drenched my panties in the hallway of my apartment. I had managed to stick to the list very well so far. Obviously I hadn't been in physical contact with him since our date so it had been easy to do so. I had also successfully managed to avoid anymore talk of children, specifically his and specifically Sam. We did have a brief conversation in which he told me that his ex-wife was not pleased with Sam changing his therapist. I was apparently going to be hearing from the woman herself. I mean I take my hat off to anyone that can handle her ass of a son for more then an hour at a time, but this didn't mean I really wanted to see her, or speak to her again.

I mean how am I supposed to look her in the eye knowing that my woo-hoo wanted nothing more then to ride her ex-husbands peen till it popped like warm champagne? Whilst wearing a condom of course, maybe two. Edward clearly has very potent sperm. Not only potent, but it seems to breed evil. I can't have it anywhere near my uterus. Measures will be taken.

I walk into my office building and find Lauren behind the reception desk, chewing as per usual. I wonder briefly if her parents own a chewing gum company thus giving her a lifetime supply of the stuff. Either way the lip smacking is gross and annoying in equal measures.

"Good morning, Lauren. How was your Christmas?" I ask her as I pick up the stack of messages on her desk.

"Morning, Dr. Swan. My Christmas was great thanks! Oh, and thank you very much for the carton of cigarettes you bought, but I'm afraid I don't smoke so I gave them to my cousin," she tells me.

Well damn, my grand plan to wean her off the gum with a newly formed and less annoying smoking habit backfired.

I tell her I'm sorry, and that I assumed her excessive gum chewing was some kind of cigarette substitute. She looked at me like I was the village idiot so I just roll my eyes and head into my office.

I flip through the stack of messages from patients and their parents and stop when I come to a message from Victoria Cullen. She wants me to call her. Well shit.

I pick up the phone and dial her number. I will just get it over with. There is no doubt in my mind that she is not pleased that Edward and I took the decision to refer Sam elsewhere without her consent. I can't blame her and looking back it was not a very professional move. In my defence, Edward was in my proximity and that meant my brain was not operating the vehicle.

I lose myself in thoughts of Edward and am only brought out of them by a woman huffing down the line.

"Listen, I don't have time for this. Is anybody there?" she yells.

"Oh goodness, so sorry Mrs. Cullen. Our line was crackling," I lie "I'm just returning your call from earlier this morning"

I can practically hear her rolling her eyes through the phone.

"Well it's about time you got back to me. I was calling to say that I was less then impressed that you and my husband took it upon yourself to end Sam's sessions without consulting me first," she practically spits at me.

"I understand completely. E-Mr. Cullen and I discussed it at length when he came to pick Sam up from his session before Christmas. In hindsight I should have taken steps to ensure you would be happy with our decision, but I assumed that it was something you both wanted." My teeth are sweating and so is my ass, two things that always happen when I lie.

I also think I may have just gotten Edward in even more trouble with his ex. Oops.

"My former husband had no right to change his doctor without my permission and surely you had an obligation to make sure I was okay with this. I am furious. Sam has dealt with enough. Changing therapists will not be good for him. I am asking you to keep things as they are and I expect you to do it." I should be feeling guilty. She seems genuinely concerned for her son. Her bitchy attitude is making it really hard to care though.

I can so see why Edward wanted to get the hell out of dodge

I push my less then friendly thoughts aside and ask her as politely as I can to discuss it with Edward and then they can both get back to me with a firm decision.

She practically hangs up and I add avoiding her at all costs to my Edward list of do's and don'ts.

The day is its usual torture. Session after session of kids who don't seem to know how good they have it. Don't get me wrong I have the odd case where my patient is genuinely in need of help and has been through some awful things and I am never short of patience with them and do all I can to help them get their lives back.

Lately, however, it seems that sending your kids to therapy is the 'in thing' and I am left dealing with kids who are 'traumatized' because they didn't get an Xbox for their birthday.

The only light in my day is a phone call from the woo-hoo clincher himself. I tell him that his former wife called me this morning and was less then cordial.

He assures me not to take it personally. Apparently she is short with people most of the time. I act surprised, but really I'm just thinking that he had one hell of a lucky escape.

By the time we hang up we have arranged a date for the following evening and my woo-hoo is not the only part of me that's giddy over this.

The next day is much the same, except my usual Tuesday session with Sam doesn't take place. I plan to sacrifice a virgin in thanks to the God's at a later date for this small mercy.

Rose and I met for a nice lunch and she got a kick out of me of and Edward and what she deems the inevitable ticking time bomb we are both sitting on.

The only thing likely to explode around Edward is my Vagina, so I ignore her.

That night I shower and change into a blue strapless dress and silver heels. My hair is up and I have chosen to go without jewellery. That way Edward has complete access to my neck should he want to kiss it.

I spent a great deal of time in the shower holding a razor and staring at my privates. I was debating whether or not to de-clutter the forest. If I did, that was almost like giving myself license to indulge in potential baby making activities. In the end I trimmed the edges. My reasoning being that I wasn't ruling out introducing Edward's triple wrapped peen to my impatient woo-hoo.

I may need to refer to my list again.

Edward had refused to tell me exactly where we were going tonight, just to wear something dressy.

An hour after my shower he was at my front door.

"Bella, I swear just looking at you is going to be the end of me someday. You're exquisite," he said as he placed a soft kiss on my mouth.

He was wearing black trousers and a navy blue shirt and a black jacket. He looked like sex on very muscular legs.

My woo-hoo had pom poms and was doing the Carlton dance.

I on the other hand was back to the clenching. Who the fuck needs a Thigh Master.

Everyone should just get an Edward.

"So, are you going to tell me where you're taking me yet?" I asked him, as I shut the door to my apartment.

He laughed, but told me no. This man likes to taunt me I'm sure of it.

Edward had a car and driver waiting for us. We slipped into the back and I gasped when I saw some Cristal champagne in a bucket of ice and two glasses.

"Edward, this is ...it's amazing" I told him, shaking my head in wonder. He had clearly spared no expense this evening.

"It's nothing more then what you deserve, beautiful" he told me.

I smiled at his words and took the glass of champagne he had poured me.

By the time we had reached wherever it was that Edward was taking me, I had already somehow managed to have two glasses of Cristal. I was certainly feeling the effects. I was yet to eat and an empty stomach is not a good idea with alcohol.

Many mornings spent praying to the porcelain God's in my college years taught me that.

We stepped out of the car and I noticed we were at my favourite gallery in the city. Evidently there was a new exhibit showing tonight.

"This is great, Edward. I love this gallery. They always seem to have the most fascinating exhibits" I told him.

"Well I really hope you like this one. The artist is actually my brother-in-law.

I looked at the sign outside the door of the gallery and couldn't contain my shock.

"Jasper Whitlock is your brother-in-law?"

Edward laughed at the expression I was pulling and led us into the gallery.

Jasper Whitlock was the current 'it' boy of the New York art scene. His last exhibit was a huge success, with every painting being sold within two hours of the door opening. One of which was hanging in my apartment.

"So your sister is here I take it?" I ask him. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about meeting the family on the second date.

"Actually she couldn't make it, she is heavily pregnant with twins and on bed rest" he informed me.

Twins? Jesus. What a bunch of breeders his family were turning out to be.

"Twins, wow," I say.

"Twins actually run in our family. My mom was a twin and so was my dad" Edward tells me.

My breathing was becoming erratic. Twins. On both sides. To quote a very popular animated film I was a 'donkey on the edge'.

A waiter walked past carrying a tray of champagne and I practically threw myself on top of him so I could take a glass. Well two.

I downed them both in quick succession. I placed my empty glasses back on the tray of another passing waiter. I also took one of his full glasses.

It was at this point that Edward cleared his throat to get my attention.

"Everything alright, Bella?" he asked with concern.

I laughed...a little manically to be honest and told him I was just fine. Just thirsty.

Yes I was thirsty. Thirsty and freaking out. His sperm was now a triple threat.

It works. That's threat one.

It makes evil babies. That's threat two.

And the third and most horrifying threat. It can make twins. That's two babies at once. Two evil babies.

I resolved there and then that Edward would have to have a vasectomy before there was any chance of him ever getting his penis near me.

Edward led me around the gallery, occasionally stopping to talk to someone. It was during these times I would discreetly grab another glass of wine and down it.

As if things weren't bad enough it turns out the theme of the exhibit was motherhood, pregnancy and as Jasper himself had put it when we finally ran into him 'The Gift of Life'. It's picture after picture of pregnant bellies and breastfeeding babies. The one that I can't seem to erase from my mind is the painting of a fetus emerging from a vagina. It's detailed. Too detailed. I shan't speak of it again.

"So you were inspired by your wife's pregnancy?" I asked him.

"Oh yes. This one and her two previous ones" I spit out my wine. It lands all over Jasper's crisp white shirt.


"So how many kids do you actually have?" I literally fear the answer.

"The new twins will make it five" he tells me proudly as he wipes down his shirt with a napkin. I'm guessing Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock have not heard of the pill.

And he said new twins. That means two sets of twins. Dear god.

I take another massive gulp before excusing myself to the use the bathroom.

By the time I'm done, Edward is waiting for me outside the door and he looks pissed off.

"Hey, you ok?" I ask him.

He shrugs and takes my hand and we head for the exit.

"We're leaving?" I ask, practically running at this point to keep up with him. Being rather drunk is not making it easy.

We climb into the car and Edward is suddenly all over me. His lips and teeth on are my neck and collarbone.

I don't clench.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I know you weren't having a good time when you started drinking and I still dragged you round that place for hours" he apologizes.

I'm too drunk and too lost in his kisses and touch to form an appropriate response.

Instead I just moan and tell him "Edward just take me home and let's...lets...oh god that feels good" I groan when his finger brushes across my clothed nipple.

"What do you want me to do, Bella?" he asks.

"I want...I...we need to...you have to get a vasectomy"

Edward stops what he's doing and looks at me "Bella, did you just ask me to take you home so you could give me a vasectomy?"

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