Author's Note: Here's another parody of a story from The Joy Luck Club. This time, it's a parody of The Red Candle, which was one of my favorite stories in the book.
Disclaimer: All but one of the characters belong to Hidekaz Himeruya. That one character belongs to the great Oda-sensei, a.k.a., Eichiiro Oda.
Two shadowed people were seen in a tent. One had his face blurred out, and the other had tarot cards in front of him, and had long, flowing, blonde hair. Okay, we've implyed that the blonde guy is Basil Hawkins from One Piece.
"Alright, boss of the country of Ukraine... It's your lucky day if you want Ukraine married," Hawkins predicted.
"Really? Can I un-pixelate my face and remove my voice changer?" Ukraine's boss asked. Hawkins then looked at his tarot cards.
"Sorry, mister, but my cards say that bad things will happen if you do that," Hawkins predicted.
"Well, Basil, Ukraine is going to have to move to Russia's house sooner or later for the marriage to happen," Ukraine's boss said. A few days later, Ukraine's house was now flooded due to a burst water pipe.
"I'm sorry, boss! Our happy home is now flooded!" Ukraine sobbed.
"Relax, bitch. You'll be moving in with your brother, which means i'll let you see him so you two can get married. Aren't you as lucky as the cast of Arrested Development?" Ukraine's boss asked Ukraine.
"Incest? I'm so sorry! Our contracts for this story never said anything about incest!" Ukraine sobbed before she ran away. Her boss got out her restraining order against Russia and a lighter. He then used the lighter to light the restraining order on fire. A few hours later, Ukraine arrived at Russia's house.
"Russia-chan, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Belarus, i'm here," Ukraine announced as she entered Russia's huge house.
"Hello, Ukraine, I see your doing well. Unpack your things and head straight to the kitchen and make me a sandwich, bitch," Russia demanded.
"But, Russia-chan, i'm your husband! I'm not supposed to make you a sandwich!" Ukraine cried.
"Like, bitch please. Ukraine, you, like, so totally got make this dude his sandwich, because, like, he has the munchies, primo," Poland demanded.
"Poland, what are you doing here?" Estonia asked Poland.
"I, like, came to give Ukraine her housewarming gift!" Poland anwsered before he gave Ukraine her housewarming gift, which was a hot pink sweater with sparkles that says, "Bitch, please. Make Russia the sandwich, totally".
"I'm so sorry, Russia-chan! I don't think I can be a good wife!" Ukraine yelled before she cried her eyes out. A few days later, Ukraine was doing the dishes as Russia threatened the mailman at gunpoint for not delivering the latest issue of Water Pipe Weekly, Estonia was on his laptop, Latvia was shaking, Lithuania was over at Poland's house, and Belarus was trying to flirt with America.
"Альфрэд, вы Hottie з целам! Але, цела брата прахаладней, што робіць яго больш выклікае да мяне!," Belarus proclaimed to America in Belarussian. (1)
"Umm... I'm going to play it safe, and say the immortal words of the youth of tomorrow... That's what she said," America anwsered.
"Why do I have to work? Can't I relax from our latest EU meeting like everybody else?" Ukraine asked herself. Ukraine then dropped the dish she was drying, and it shattered into many sharp pieces.
"I'm sorry, Russia-chan! I'm so excited about our marriage, that I can't even wash the dishes!" Ukraine sobbed. The next day, Ukraine tried to vaccum as Belarus had America over.
"Rah-rah ah-ah-ah. Roma, ro-ma-ma. Gaga ooh-la-la, want your bad romance! Rah-rah ah-ah-ah. Roma, ro-ma-ma. Gaga ooh-la-la, want your bad romance!" America sang along to the music video playin on the T.V.
"Ach, Aĺfred, toĺki vy možacie zrabić Lady Gaga huku seksuaĺniej, to jaje seksuaĺnyja piesni! Alie, brat moža pieraviesci hetyja piesni na ruskuju movu, jaki prymušaje majo serca bicca rost boĺš čym dzieviać tysiač!," Belarus said to America.
"Uhh... That's what she said?" America anwsered.
"Again, why can't I have any fun?" Ukraine asked herself. Then, the vacuum died, and the dust bag exploded all over Ukraine.
"I'm sorry, Russia-chan! I'm so excited about consummating our marriage, that I can't even vacuum!" Ukraine sobbed.
"That's what she said!" America yelled off-screen. The night before the wedding...
"Well, Ukraine, it looks like you have no choice. Stop your clumsy act, stop acting like a whiny bitch, suck it up, and take it like a man! Though, I do wish I could be in your shoes so I could marry brother!" Belarus yelled to Ukraine.
"Suck what up?" Ukraine asked.
"That's what she said!" America yelled off-screen.
"Go change your princess act while I fondle America," Belarus demanded. The next day, the day of the wedding, there were some bad thunderstorms in the area, which scared off pretty much all of the guests. That afternoon, Ukraine was in her wedding dress, which was what Winry Rockbell usually wore in Fullmetal Alchemist, watching a bad thunderstorm roll in.
"What am I going to do? I'm going to get married, and there's nothing I can do!" Ukraine cried.
"Ukraine, time to go!" America yelled off-screen.
"Bela-chan is right. I need to suck it up," Ukraine said to herself.
A few minutes later, inside America's mansion, Ukraine was waiting at the alter as a few wedding guests showed up dressed up as characters from Fairy Tail, One Piece, or Fullmetal Alchemist, or their street clothes.
"If she divorces, she's mine!" Molossia said to himself as he drank his beer.
"Hell no, she's not! She still has to be one with Russia!" Denmark said as the wedding march, which was the Panic! At the Disco song I Write Sins, Not Tragedies, played. Russia walked down the aisle while Latvia walked up to the two with two rings on a pillow, as he was the ring bearer. Poland then gave Ukraine the bouquet, as he was the flower boy, because they couldn't find a flower girl in time.
"Do you -" England, who was going to officiate the ceremony, asked before Russia got his pipe out.
"Say my vows, or you will get a visit from Mr. Water Pipe, kolkolkol..." Russia threatened England.
"Fine! Do you, the country of Ukraine, choose to become one with Russia?" England asked Ukraine.
"I... I do," Ukraine anwsered with hesitation.
"And, do you, Russia - a.k.a., the former Soviet Union -, choose Ukraine to become one with Russia?" England asked Russia.
"I do," Russia anwsered.
"You may now unite the countries under Russia!" England announced. That night, the wedding guests carried Russia and Ukraine up to their bedroom after Hawkins lit the marriage candles which would seal Ukraine's fate.
"Do the nasty! Do the nasty!" Prussia yelled.
"Prussia, shut up. You know that they will do the nasty on their honeymoon," Hungary explained.
"Perfect... Can I have a taco?" Prussia asked Hungary.
"No!" Hungary anwsered. After the guests left, Ukraine and Russia were left alone. Instead of 'Doing the nasty', they were watching Dane Cook's comedy skit on a job at Burger King.
"And, the pickles!" Sealand moaned sexually on the T.V.
"Ew. Okay, Ukraine, time for bed," Russia told Ukraine.
"Good night, Russia-chan," Ukraine told Russia. Ukraine started to turn over to fall asleep, but Russia grabbed her.
"You are not to sleep on my bed. You are going to sleep on the couch in the living room because I said so," Russia said so.
"Yes, Russia-chan," Ukraine said before she grabbed a blanket and a pillow so she could sleep downstairs on the couch. However, that didn't work as it was three in the morning and Ukraine was watching T.V.
"It's, like, three in the morning and nothing is good on television. They probably don't even show the Ronco Rotisserie informercial this early in the morning. Plus, that pretty-boy Basil Hawkins said if those candles didn't burn out, we'd be together forever. Hey, that sounds like a very stupid idea if you blew out one of the candles. Or is it?" Ukraine asked herself as she flipped the channel to a Jamacian fortune telling informercial.
"Call this blurred-out number at the bottom of your screen to find out what your fate is, mon," The Generic Jamacian Informercial Psychic instructed on the T.V. Ukraine then changed the channel to South Korea's blatant knock-off of Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This?
"And, now, we are going to microwave this candle!" South Korea announced on the T.V.
"Why a candle? Didn't we burn one last night when the power went out, ana?" Thailand asked South Korea on the T.V.
"That's because Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This originated in Korea, da ze!" South Korea proclaimed on the T.V. Ukraine then changed the channel to a rerun of American Idol.
"The north wind blew with its head asunder. Beating -" England sang on the T.V. Nobody, not even Simon Cowell, had the heart to tell England that Flying Mint Bunny messed up his performance of Flogging Molly's song The Kilburn High Road.
"Okay, my T.V. is saying something. But what? Fate, a candle, and blowing? What does it mean?" Ukraine thought to herself.
"That's what she said. Anyway, blow out the candle to change your fate. That was what the Jamacian guy, Yong Soo, and Iggy were subconciously trying to tell you. If all goes well, by this day next week, you could be doing stuff you wouldn't be able to do in this marriage such as compete in a poetry slam, watch Dane Cook take on Betty White on the show Celebrity Battlebots, or see my production of South Pacific. My version is better, because it has giant robots, superheroes, the cast of Jyu-Oh-Sei, and mutant Peruvian spider monkeys. And, by the end of the play, the cast holds hands and skips off into the sunset while singing California Girls by Katy Perry," America telepathically told Ukraine.
"Should I change my fate, or not?" Ukraine asked herself.
"You're gonna love my nuts," France said on the T.V. in a blatant parody of the Slap Chop commercial.
"It's settled! I'll do it!" Ukraine yelled. A few minutes later, Ukraine was in the kitchen, where the two candles were burning. The guy who was supposed to watch the candles wasn't there, because he ate some bad Mexican food and was in the hospital with food poisoning as we speak.
"I've gotta do this... Now or never..." Ukraine said to herself. Ukraine then blew out both candles and went back to her couch to watch a repeat of Comedy Central's roast of Flavor Flav. The next day, to Ukraine's utter horror, both candles were burning.
"Huzzah! You will have a happy marriage!" Hawkins cheered. Ukraine began to cry.
"Don't worry. She's happy that she will have a long future being one with Russia," Russia told Hawkins.
"I don't think I should tell them about the part when I arrived this morning and re-lit the candles so the director of this parody wouldn't fire me," Hawkins thought to himself.
"Does this mean I can sleep with you, Russia-chan?" Ukraine asked Russia.
"No. You're still going to sleep on the couch until I say so," Russia anwsered. After one month of trying so hard to get pregnant, but failing miserably, Belarus dragged Ukraine to her doctor's appointment because Belarus had morning sickness for days.
"Good news, Belarus... You're pregnant!" The doctor announced.
"Excuse me?" Belarus cried.
"Bad news, Ukraine... You're implied to be infertile!" The doctor announced. Ukraine began to cry.
"Doctor, if it's no trouble, I can try and make Ukraine pregnant with Belarussian at-home remedies," Belarus told the doctor. The next thing Ukraine knew was that she was now bedridden in her bedroom as the Baltics fed her some nasty-tasting medicine.
"Ukraine, we're sorry we have to feed you this crap," Estonia apologized to Ukraine as he spoon-fed Ukraine the medicine. A week of staying in bed 24/7 has passed, but, Ukraine was still not pregnant.
"Well, Ukraine, it looks like we're going to have to removed any metal objects from this room. I read somewhere that having too much balance of elements leads to infertility. And we'll start with the wall-mounted television," Belarus told Ukraine. After Belarus removed the wall-mounted television, the Nintendo Wii, the Mac computer, the mirror, and the doorknobs, Ukraine was contemplating something.
"Okay. It's been four hours, and I don't feel like having a baby. But, I do feel like pulling an Usopp just so I could tell a big lie and get out of here. Well, tomorrow IS Russia-chan's birthday, and I think i'll walk out on him for his birthday," Ukraine thought to herself. The next day, Ukraine woke up screaming. The Baltics, Belarus, and Russia then ran into the room.
"My wife, what is it? Did somebody sieze your vital regions in the night? If so, can I have them meet Mr. Water Pipe?" Russia asked Ukraine.
"OUR MARRIAGE IS IN DANGER!" Ukraine screamed. Poland then appeared from out of nowhere.
"Like, chillax, bitch. What is it?" Poland asked Ukraine.
"Poland, go home. Now," Estonia said in a deadpan tone of voice.
"Like, you old brods are totally no fun!" Poland stated before he left.
"Why is our marriage in danger? What makes you say that?" Russia asked his wifey.
"I had a nightmare that you had an affair with a girl from a made-up H-game! She was blonde, dressed as a maid, a yandere, and she's preggers! What's worse, is that I got dumped by you so you could go -" Ukraine explained before Belarus cut her off.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you guys this! I'm pregnant!" Belarus announced.
"Oh... Oh, Lenin. Who's the father?" Russia asked Belarus.
"You are, dear brother! I siezed your vital regions in the night a few weeks ago!" Belarus anwsered.
"That's what she... Wait a minute... What the hell have I been doing at the Commie's house all this time? Why did I... Oh, damn it! I forgot my sawed-off shotgun!" America cried before he stormed off.
"Well, Ukraine, let's get a divorce. I'll need to... Please Belarus," Russia told Ukraine.
"I'm sorry, Russia-chan, but this is something that even Basil Hawkins can fix," Ukraine apologized to Russia. Nine months later, Ukraine was shopping at Wal-mart. As she was passing the clothing aisle to pay for her groceries, she saw an entertaining scene. Both Russia and Belarus were shopping in the maternity section. Belarus was sporting a baby bump and was handcuffed to Russia.
"Brother... WHERE THE HELL ARE MY DONUTS AND MCNUGGETS WITH CHOCOLATE MILK?" Belarus yelled to Russia.
"They're... They're coming! Save me, General Winter!" Russia yelled. Ukraine sweatdropped.
"Well, at least I know that this is going on People of Wal-mart," Ukraine said to herself.
"GODDAMN IT! WHY DID MY WATER JUST BREAK AS WE WERE SHOPPING FOR MINSK?" Belarus yelled off-screen.
"Honey, don't worry. We can continue shopping after you give birth. Belarus, I know you're about to go into labor, but there is no reason to pick up a crib and try to bash my head in with it!" Russia screamed off-screen. Ukraine began to laugh very hard.
"Yep. This is going on People of Wal-mart," Ukraine commented to herself as she went to check out her merchandise.
Ending Note: That was a magical crack fic.
(1) - "Alfred, you're the hottie with the body! But, brother's body is cooler, which makes it more arousing to me!"
(2) - "Oh, Alfred, only you can make Lady Gaga sound sexier then her sexy lyrics! But, brother can translate those songs into Russian, which makes my heart beat rise over nine thousand!"
Review so we can have more magical crack fics like this.