I'm having a bit of a one-shot fest here, if you hadn't noticed :D
Disclaimer: me no own HP.
"Will you quit that?"
Sirius, who was in the middle of tracing the word 'insomnia' from the tip of his wand in bright gold lettering for the seventh time, stopped and looked over in the direction of James's bed. "Is it disturbing you?"
"Yes, it fucking is!" snapped James, and he heard an angry shuffle from which he guessed that the boy had buried his head in a pillow.
Sirius smirked, and continued to write the word out, the flames becoming larger and larger.
"Right, I'm not even joking, Sirius," James's slightly muffled voice came again, "if you don't go to sleep right now, I am going to shove your wand down your throat."
Sirius grinned at the threat. "But then who would you have witty banter with?"
"Right now, I couldn't give a toss about witty banter if it means I have to stay up every night trying to get you to sleep." James sounded pissed off. "Go to sleep, Padfoot."
"But I can't!" groaned Sirius, throwing himself back onto the bed.
"Then go somewhere else where I can't hear you!" snapped James.
Sirius was about to reply when Remus cut across. "In the morning we're going straight to Madam Pomfrey."
"She's no use," Peter murmured sleepily, announcing his consciousness.
"She will bloody find a cure, even if it means knocking him out every night," James grumbled. "I will sleep again."
"I'm going to the kitchens, I think," Sirius said cheerfully. "Anybody want anything?"
"Lock the door when he goes out," mumbled James.
"I can't move," Peter replied. Sirius smiled, and left the dormitory to go and sit in the common room for a while.
It was very bright in the common room in contrast to the dark dormitory, even though the only light was from the red glowing cinders in the fireplace. A house elf was cleaning busily; she gasped when she saw Sirius, mumbled an unnecessary apology and disappeared.
Sirius made himself comfortable in an armchair and pulled up a huge Potions book of Moony's into his lap. If there was one good thing about the insomnia, it meant that he had started to get his homework done, though it wasn't up to his 'usual written standard'.
He flicked through the pages, not really focussing, when a figure came down the stairs. "Oh, Moons. Sorry. I forgot you burglar charmed your books."
"I've been set the challenge of finding you a cure," Remus informed him, rubbing his tired eyes blearily. His light hair was tousled and he looked pale; it was full moon on Thursday and Sirius felt a twinge of regret, he shouldn't have to deal with him when he was so weathered.
"Oh." Sirius yawned widely. "It's no use. I just can't sleep."
"Don't we know it," muttered Remus, sitting down next to him. "I mean, not only are you keeping us awake all night long, you're a tetchy bastard throughout the day as well. James is going to punch you if you carry on like this."
"Is that a polite way of saying you're going to punch me too?" smiled Sirius, leaning back in his chair.
"I guess it could be," Remus grinned tiredly. "So we're going to get you to sleep if it kills us."
"That's pretty touching," Sirius said blandly, "but I'm fine as."
"I don't care if you're fine," Remus snapped. "I miss sleep."
Sirius had no argument to that. "What do I do then, Healer Lupin?" he asked gently.
"I've counted hippogriffs," countered Sirius. "It doesn't work."
"Well count sheep, they're better."
Sirius looked up. "Can a sheep fly?"
"A sheep might be able to," shrugged Remus. "Maybe it only happens in the dead of night though, when nobody is watching."
Sirius muttered incredulously under his breath before shutting his eyes. "One. Two. Three – oh, this is pointless. Give me something else."
"I'll read something to you."
"Go on then," Sirius said with a smirk. "Read me some Beedle, Mummy."
"Muggle fairytales are better," Remus replied.
"I can't believe you just said that," Sirius said in mock shock. "How can Cinder-wotsit be better than Babbity?"
"I'll recite Red Riding Hood," Remus gelled over the top of him. "It has a big bad wolf in it." He took a breath in. "Once, a little girl in a red cloak decided to go and visit her Grandma. So she set off... oh wait, her Mum warned her not to leave the path in the wood. So she set off, and on the way she decided to take a shortcut... Or maybe it was for a rest. Anyway, she came off of the path and bumped into a wolf, or something. Or no, no, she was supposed to go straight to her Grandma's... or was she? Well-"
"Okay, Moony? This is just sending me into a stupor."
"Well, dull things are supposed to make you sleep," suggested Remus.
"That was dull," Sirius said flatly. "I'm not sleeping."
"So maybe if I recited my times tables that would send you straight off," Remus continued over the top of him. Sirius groaned and slumped further back into his seat. "One times one is one. Two times one is two. Three times one is three. Four times one is four..."
"Remus," Sirius growled. "Shut up."
"Well, there's only one other method I can think of," Remus sighed, rolling his eyes, "and I'd hoped it wouldn't get to that."
"And what is this unspeakable method?" asked Sirius, his hands over his face.
"Something my Mum used to do. I could play with your hair."
Remus almost laughed at his expression. "Playing with your hair," he repeated. "You have a lot of it."
"Girls play with each other's hair," snapped Sirius.
"And I am not a girl, Remus, nor am I gay."
"It's not a gay thing, Sirius, my Mum used to play with my hair to get me to sleep."
"Because it's relaxing."
"You are not playing with my hair," Sirius said flatly.
"Try it," Remus urged gently.
"No," snapped Sirius, looking up at him. "You are not playing with my hair. My hair is perfect. It does not want or need to be played with."
"Sit down in front of me."
"No, Remus! No!" Sirius leapt up from the arm chair as if he had been burnt. "I'm fifteen years old! You're not fucking playing with my hair!" He looked around the common room as if invisible people were watching. "Demetrius already thinks we're a fucking couple, this'll just add fuel to the fire!"
Remus was looking at him, unimpressed. "Demetrius isn't here."
"I... I..." He was running out of arguments. "Oh, fuck it. Make this quick."
He sat down cross legged in front of Remus's armchair and looked into the fire. He could feel Remus's hands begin to plait his hair. "Wait, what the fuck are you doing to it?"
"Relax, yeah?" Remus sighed impatiently. "I promise this isn't me trying to come onto you."
"Humph." But he did as Remus told him, and leant back against the chair.
"So," Remus said. "What's keeping you awake?"
"Are you being a shrink now?" Sirius asked sarcastically.
"I'm just making conversation."
"Well, I'd prefer it if you didn't," Sirius said through a yawn. "It's very distracting, you know."
"What are you on about?" asked Remus softly, rolling his eyes.
They lapsed into quiet, only the crackles of the dim fire creating a noise. Remus grinned as Sirius began to feel heavier and heavier against his legs.
James entered the common room the next morning to find Sirius asleep on the floor, a knackered looking Remus seated behind him in the armchair.
"What happened down here?" asked James inquisitively, smirking at the irritated expression on Remus's face. "Do I want to know?"
"He fell asleep," Remus said monotonously. "But I can't move my legs without waking him up. So I'm stuck here."
"Ha," James snorted. "Gutted, mate."
"A little help would be nice," he grumbled.
"Why didn't you just wake him up?" asked James incredulously.
"That would be like slaying the dragon just to revive it," Remus said flatly. "Let's hope he never wakes up again."
James nodded and came forwards. "Okay. On the count of three, pull your legs out." He pulled out his wand, and Remus readied himself. "One, two, three..."
Remus wrenched his feet free as James levitated Sirius from the ground and placed him in the armchair. The boy didn't even notice.
"Nice one," Remus said in gratitude. He stretched with a yawn in a manner not dissimilar to a cat, and stood up.
"Are you going into Hogsmeade later?" asked James.
"To be honest," Remus said, "I'm going to bed to enjoy it while I can. My Mum always said it was bad to sleep in the day in case you didn't sleep that night."
James groaned. "I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you," he said, "but I owe you a butterbeer."
"I will hold you to it," smiled Remus tiredly, before moving up to the dormitory. "Oh. And James?"
"Yees?" James slurred innocently, putting his wand back up his sleeve.
"If you wake him up, I'm going to fucking slaughter you. Goodnight."
"Have a good kip, Moony," grinned James, before turning back to Sirius. Even if he wasn't going to wake him, he wasn't going to miss such a good pranking opportunity.
"JAMES! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?"
James forced his face into the essence of innocence as Remus looked at him with contemptuous eyes.
"Yes, James, what have you done?" he asked tediously.
Before James could answer, a livid looking teenager with bright blue hair and 'INSOMNIA' written across his face in bright gold letters had launched himself at James, smashing the boy to the floor.
Remus rolled his eyes, and returned to his newspaper.
He was going to sleep well tonight.