Chapter 54: Hell of a Drabble
"Dude," Emmett and I said at the same time.
We stood back from the all-consuming fire as it completely devoured the poor poster of the kitten that hung from a tree encouraging all those who looked on to just hold on.
Just then the fire alarm went off sending the entire store evacuating. Just as Emmett and I rounded the corner past "Site-To-Store" we saw our old friends the rental cops trying to usher people out of the emergency exit. Hiding our faces with a pack of pampers we made it pass the authority and out the building.
It was then we noticed the entire side of the building was swallowed by flames. Fire fighters were already hard at work trying to put out the fire, but I doubt given the amount of lava lamps and oils that were in that office . . . water may not have been the answer to the problem. I wasn't going to be the one to reveal that tad bit of information.
If anyone dared to actually look at Emmett and me they would have known something was off. We were both covered in black smut give our close proximity to the original flame. Not to mention, Emmett was outside missing half of his pants.
Emmett stared up into the fire looking like the rest of the "oohing" and pointing crowd of would be shoppers.
"Emmett let's go," I said trying to get his attention.
Emmett was completely entrapped by the flames. Not moving. Not blinking. I started waving my hand in front of his face, that wasn't getting it. Jumping up and down wasn't the answer either.
"Move your stone ass, McCarty," I scream pushing on his arms. He didn't move an inch while my shoes only skidded on the water slick pavement. I swatted at his chest but that only left me clenching my hand in agony. I had to pull out the big guns.
"Hey, is that Rosalie standing over there naked?" I said facing the car.
"What? Where?" Emmett turned around searching.
"Nowhere, crazy. Let's get out of here. Now!"
We made it to the car, slowly pulling away from the horrible mess we had made.
"What is Bella? What's wrong?"
"We should totally sue Wal-Mart." Emmett was looking at me like I was making no sense.
"Bella, dear, you do realize you burned down Wal-Mart right?"
"What do you mean I burned it down?" I turned around to face him head on. "If memory serves correctly, you were the one who broke the chair and chain from the wall."
"Yes," Emmett drew out the word, "but who was playing ring toss with the candles and lava lamp?"
I was speechless as I watched Emmett completely content with his realization that maybe, just once, he wouldn't be the one blamed for something. I beg to differ.
"I am just a defenseless fragile human girl who requires a babysitter." I began pretending to hold back tears and sob. "It wasn't me, Edward. He made me go. I am so sorry. Please don't leave me again."
"What?" Emmett eyes were as big as the tires on his massive Jeep.
"That's right McCarty. Who do you think they will believe: innocent ol' me," I said giving him my best puppy dog eyes, "or the hellion of the millennium?"
"You . . . But . . . I . . .," Emmett stuttered. "Well played grasshopper." Emmett and I both broke out in laughter. "Anyway, why are we suing Wal-Mart?"
"Cause, they left us in the office and didn't even think to come get us. They totally sacrificed us. "
"Did you see the fire that came out of that office? They likely assumed we were already dead."
"So?" I crossed my arms, "they could have still checked. I'm telling my daddy."
"I can see that now. 'Chief Daddy,'" Emmett gave his worst girl voice, "'Wal-Mart burned me to death in a fire that I caused. Arrest them all, please.'"
"Really, Emmett? Is that how I sound?" I wore no look of humor on my face.
"Only when you're begging Edward for a kiss," he teased
"Hey!" I swatted at his arm.
"Bella, you will learn when to let certain things go. Rehashing the reasons we were locked in an office that later resulted in a massive fire is one of those things."
"Fine," I sat crossing my arms in front of me. "You've won this one Wal-Mart but we'll meet again someday."
"Hey how about we go home and I cook you some more Choco Co Puffs? I think I can make it without burning it now."
"Emmett, no. Just no, okay."
"Emmett you can't do that!"
"Sesame Street may be a little pissed if you reveal Bert and Ernie's secret to all the kids. They have kept it pretty under wrapped for the last fifty years."
"I still feel like they are lying to the children," Emmett said as we walked into the house.
We turned around to find a few more vampires there than when we left earlier that morning.
"Bella, love," Edward began moving closer to me only to stop short.
I guess seeing me covered in smut and smelling of burnt paper wasn't a scent he enjoyed. Rosalie walked beside Edward giving Emmett an eye that begged to start this story from the beginning, but Emmett was avoiding that eye contact at all cost, rocking uncharacteristically on his heels and toes, snapping his fingers and whistling.
"Oh god, no." Edward covered his face with his hands.
"What is it, son?" Carlisle asked.
"Emmett is singing Justin Bieber in his head to hide his thoughts. That always means the worst of the worst."
"Dude, where the hell are the rest of your pants?" Jasper drew everyone's attention.
Emmett and I stood frozen, not knowing what to say. I think we both thought we would have a whole night to get our story together if needed.
"Hey, babe! What are you doing home so early?" I fist bumped Edward's shoulder. Edward looked down at me like he didn't know who he was looking at. "I mean, I thought you would be back tomorrow afternoon. You know you don't have to rush hunting for little ol' me." I was sinking fast.
"I missed you," Edward was saying but kept looking at Emmett, waiting on his thoughts to slip, I am sure.
Poor Edward. He should know that Emmett valued his life and if anything slipped about the last forty eight hours he would have to deal with the raft of Rosalie and Edward. There was going to be no slipping.
Alice took a loud breath that brought everyone's attention to her. Just then Alice laughed, breaking the silence of the room. Emmett looked at me and we both knew it was over. The freaking pixie must have saw something.
"Well since these two aren't talking let's see what the news can teach us?"
"Alice I thought you loved me? We were best friends! That's it, you can so not plan our wedding. And you're not my maid of honor. And I am taking back those red pumps you bought me." I screamed in my head forgetting Alice wasn't the one who could hear thoughts. Dammit!
Everyone looked at Alice who only stared at the television, waiting. Emmett started taking slow steps backward towards the door.
"Don't you move, McCarthy!" Rosalie shouted not looking away from the television.
"In local news, Boondock County Fair held its annual Pizza Eating Contest today. For the first time ever the winner was . . . AWOMAN! That's right; Bella Swan took down the reigning champ of four years."
The screen showed a picture of me unsteady on my feet surrounded by the bouncing Fanta Girls, except for the lady in red who was too busy flirting with Emmett. The growl that Rosalie let out even made Carlisle take a step back.
"Baby she meant nothing," Emmett begged.
When Rosalie turned around to face him, she actually looked like a vampire.
"Oh you have seen the half of it," Alice snitched.
"Alice!" I screamed only to have everyone look back at me.
"In other news the Wal-Mart located just outside of Seattle was severely damaged due to a fire that consumed the entire back half of the store. Officials believe the inferno was caused by some oil based accelerant and an open flame. The manager of the store is suspected as being the cause of the fire."
Emmett and I let out a relieved sigh. Suddenly six sets of eyes were on us looking us up and down.
Damn! I can see it in their eyes as soon as they figured it out. Jasper and Alice were trying, really they were, to keep from laughing but it wasn't working. One look at each other and they had to start all over again. Carlisle just pinched the bridge of his nose looking much like an English version of Edward and Esme rubbed his arms. She didn't look too surprised. Edward and Rosalie both turned towards us, arms crossed. I couldn't take the stare. It was intense. I just couldn't handle the pressure.
"Emmett made me do it!" I pointed at my accomplice. "I'm just a helpless human who needs a babysitter. Please Edward don't leave me again." I threw myself in his arms, very thankful I learned how to cry on cue all those years ago.
"Rock! You just throw me to the wolves like that?" Emmett looked back and forth between me and the still glaring duo. "Well played grasshopper. Well played."
"Don't worry Emmett, I don't believe a word she says anyway," Edward said as he peeled me off of his body and stood me back up next to Q-Tip. He stepped back next to Rosalie, folding his arms back.
"But Edward," I began.
"Don't even try it Isabella," Edward sounded very Charlie-ish.
"Would you two care to explain?" Rosalie said
"Wait, let me leave the room. I want to be as ignorant as humanly possible behind this one." Carlisle threw up his hands and began dragging Esme out of the living room.
"Start at the beginning please," Edward commanded.
Alice and Jasper snuggled up close to listen as if they were attending dinner theater. I was going to be the entrée.
"Okay so it started after you left when Emmett tried to put Rosalie's make up on me."
"You what?" Rosalie and Edward asked at the same time.
"Seriously, if that pissed y'all off let me just save you the trouble and end this explanation here 'cause that isn't even half of it okay." Emmett, damn it you aren't helping.
"Anyway," I sneered in Emmett's direction, "There is nothing to worry about 'cause the Q-Tip didn't cause any damage to my eye and plus I got a cool eye patch." Yeah that made me sound like a dork. "Then we went to eat Chinese and Emmett suggested we get a tattoo but he broke all the needles and guns."
"You tried to ink my girlfriend?" Oh I forgot Edward shouldn't have known that part.
"Why the hell did you think you could get one anyway?" Jasper asked.
"Look it was a life experience I felt we both needed. Get off my back!" Emmett you aren't helping.
"So today I woke up, and thanks for the bed dear. I really like it." I had to throw some sugar on this mess.
"Oh love, I'm glad you like it. I was going get a smaller one but Alice said that you had enough of sleeping in a twin bed. Then you know Emmett made some derogatory statement about we would need the space. But I couldn't tell if it was soft enough for you. What about the sheets? Is that color okay?"
"Edward gets your head out of Bella's ass and let her get back to why they burned down Wal-mart," Rosalie screamed.
"Oh yeah, sorry." Edward stepped back to Rosalie crossing his arms, trying to look angry again.
"How the hell does she have you so pussy whipped and you haven't even had it yet?"
"Rosalie!" Everyone in the room screamed. I hid my head in utter shame.
"What? It's true. Go on Bella."
I just stared at her for a minute. Really what was I supposed to be saying? Oh yeah, how I, I mean how Emmett burned down Wal-Mart.
"So Emmett tried to cook me breakfast but he burned the Choco Co Puffs on the stove so we had to throw away the pot. Then we went to the Fair where I dared Emmett to eat a hand full of Candy Corn and he dared me to enter the pizza eating contest. I won the contest after eating like nine whole pizzas and Emmett scared the mozzarella out of the only guy who might have won. We took the $500 and went crazy at the Fair Vendor where Emmett almost put out my other eye with a toy sword. We took all our goodies and decided we weren't ready to come home so we went to Wal-mart and bought all this stuff with our winnings. Then we went back in the store and went to the toy aisle where we found these dolls that looked like us, well except Emmett, he didn't have a doll and it made him sad until he saw the bike on display and he made me get on the handle bars and rode me around the store. Well Emmett didn't tell me he didn't know how to steer because we ended up crashing into the toilet paper aisle trying to avoid the rental cops. But they caught us and took us and our mini Edmond and Rosalyn to the office in the back that was covered in enough 1970's novelty to make any hippy proud. Emmett tried to bust us out but I told him to stay and maybe, just maybe, if the manager hadn't decided to mix open flams and paper together, than I wouldn't have flung a metal ring into a lava lamp setting in motion a series of unfortunate events, including but not limited to, Emmett losing half his pants."
Nobody said anything for a while, only staring at me wide eyed and mouth agape.
"Bella, that speech was very Alice-ish."
"I am so proud," Alice pretended to cry.
"The moral of the story is . . . We came baring gifts!" And at a super human speed and strength Emmett emerged from the garage with bags of stuff we had bought from the store, pre-fire, and dumped it on the floor.
"Oh! Dusk. Can I read this? I hard that Sandra Mayor sure can write a good vamp story." Alice snuggled into the couch and started reading.
Rosalie and Edward were still staring at us like we were America's Most Wanted.
"What the hell did you expect? You left me for a weekend with Emmett. Something was bound to happen."
Rosalie and Edward's face finally relaxed. They bent down at the bounty at their feet and started going through their gifts. Emmett and I let out another sigh of relief.
"Bella, what is this alarm you have set on this watch?"Edward asked as he strapped it to his wrist.
"That's a good day too Bella. Excellent choice," Alice chimed in.
I just gave Edward a questioning shrug like I had no clue what was going on. Yeah I could tell he didn't believe that either.
Just then we heard a clatter. It was coming from the kitchen and we all stood to see what was the matter. Than out came Esme, steamy and pissed. She held an object in her closed tight fist.
"Emmett McCarty Cullen for this you will pay! Why does my favorite pot look this away? How many times have I told you before, stay out of my kitchen? I will tell you no more!"
Esme shocked the burnt pot were Choco Co Puffs still sat. Emmett only looked forlorn staring at the mat.
"Hell of a time we had their Q-Tip."
"Anytime Rock. Any time."
I turned around to find Rosalie snuggled up with her industrial drip pan.
A weekend with Emmett had nothing on an eternity with this wacky gang!
Don't ask me where the rhyming came from . . . really I have no clue . . . .
Sorry took so long to get this out and better yet, sorry it isn't drabbling. What can I say: I love my words.
Come back and catch some more of my Emmett and Bella zaniness to come in the future.
"Will the vampires that own the yellow Porsche and the Red BMW please come move your cars? You all are taking up 10 spaces."