The Melancholy of Mathias Køhler I - The Idiotic Dane


Do you believe in Santa Claus?

I don't. I never have. A fat old man that brings presents to the whole world at the same time? Please. As if something like that could exist. Santa seems to go out of his way to NOT be seen. Not to mention the whole 'knows when you're awake' thing he has going on. Santa knows if you've been a bad child. That's just really creepy.

And aliens? Time travelers? Psychic abilities, ghosts, demons, vampires, fairies, trolls? Nah.

...of course, deep down, I think I wish they did exist.

Ok, you probably just think of me as some precocious cynic now. You may as well call me Norge. Thanks to my irritating brother, that's the name that just stuck. Everyone at school calls me that, too. I really wish they wouldn't, but you just can't change some people...

...I should probably get to the point.

It was the beginning of term. Since we were all starting at a new school, we had been made to stand and introduce ourselves. When it got to me, I managed to make some crap up about how I hoped to have a good year with everyone. Yeah. That'll do.

By the way, our school is North High. We have students here from around the world, but the majority seem to be from the colder nations of the north. Myself, I'm from Norway.

That's when I first saw him.

'From Copenhagen, Mathias Køhler. I'm not interested in normal people. If any of ya are aliens, time travellers, espers or sliders, come see me. That's all.'

...what an introduction. Was that supposed to be funny? I swivelled around in my chair-

Sky-blue eyes. Spiky blond hair in every direction. A little red hat off to one side. I think he'd be classed as 'good-looking' by a fair few people... but I apparently have strange perceptions of people regarding attractiveness, so I can't be too sure. He looked around the room expectantly, then slumped back down into his chair.

The teacher quickly hurried on to the next student, while I attempted to gather my thoughts. Most people would probably see an introduction like that as a joke, but something about him told me that he was completely, one-hundred-percent serious.

So that's how we met. And I seriously hope it was coincidence, or someone up there must love playing havoc with people's lives.


If Mathias would keep his mouth shut and sit still, you could almost mistake him for an average high-schooler. So, being the moron I am, I thought I could approach him. You can't blame me really, I was curious. Normally I wouldn't bother talking to anyone that didn't make a point of speaking to me, but something about him piqued my interest.

'About that stuff earlier...' I started.

'Eh? What stuff earlier?'

'You know, all that stuff about aliens, ti-'

'You an alien?' he interrupted.

'Well, nei.'

'Then don't talk to me. Waste of your time.'

Hm. That certainly went well. At least he's to the point.


Lunchtime. If we'd actually done something worthwhile that morning, then munching on flatbread might have done me some good.

'Still, like, thinking 'bout Mathias? I'll give ya some advice - give up. Like, seriously. I was in his class for three years, and man, he's, like, soooo weird.' Somehow I'd wound up sitting with Feliks and Toris for food. 'Paluzski?'

'No thanks, Feliks. Are you talking about his introduction?' Quite honestly, I'm not entirely sure how, but these two seemed to be really good friends. I knew Toris from middle school, but apparently he knew Feliks from elsewhere.

'Of course, duh! He was just as weird in middle school too. Like, graffiti on the school grounds kinda weird.' And what the hell was with Feliks' accent, anyway? I thought he was from Poland!

I sighed. 'Care to fill us uninformed people in?'

'Sure. Ya know that, like, thingy that ya use to draw white lines? Well, someone totally came in at night and drew this massive pattern on the grounds! And the guy said himself that he did it, so it had to be him! Then there was that one time we came in, and, like, the desks had all been moved to the hall! Oh, and he stuck talismans to the walls...'

By that point I was only half-listening. Mathias was standing on the roof, and... wait, what on earth was he doing? Throwing a tennis ball at another roof isn't going to do anything...

'...but the guy's still pretty popular, ya know? Must be the looks. And, like, he gets really high grades too! Can't tell he's a weirdo when he's standing there.'

'Are there any other stories about him?'

'Ahaha, there was a time when he totally dated everyone. Longest lasted, like, a week. Shortest was five minutes...'

Finally, some quiet. Wait... quiet? Feliks? Don't tell me he was the five-minute one...

'E-eh, don't look at me like that! You're totally freaking me out! It's totally just a story I heard! The guy doesn't turn anyone down. That's why I'm totally warning you now! Don't get weird ideas, ok? Give up!'

Why does this idiot think I have something to give up on anyway? I'm not at all interested. People aren't really my area.

This conversation lasted well into athletics. Some fools never know when to give up. Oh, the irony.

'...course, the guy's got a fair bit'a competition, ya know? Like, that Ivan. Man, does he ever stop smiling?'

I looked over to where Feliks was gesturing. Sure enough, that innocent smile. If you ask me, it's more than a little creepy, but I suppose everyone has their tastes... anyway, then it was Mathias' turn to run, so I turned back to watch.

And he was fast. Really fast. He said he was from Copenhagen, so for all I know, the Danish put more emphasis on athleticism. Or probably he'd become fitter running after aliens all the time. Still, he was mostly behaving himself, not raving about abnormality, so I guess that's an improvement.


I watched his odd quirks for the next month, just out of interest. Firstly, Mathias' hat was in a different position every day of the week. It was absent on Monday. Tuesday's hat was to the left, Wednesday's to the right, Thursday's in the centre, and Friday's on the left but further back. I wondered how it managed to stay attached with hair that wild, but I've learned not to question such silly things as the laws of physics.

Secondly, athletics requires getting changed. What few girls appear to be attending our overwhelmingly male school change in odd-numbered rooms, with boys in even-numbered rooms; however, ignoring everyone around him, Mathias would begin stripping before the girls had a chance to leave. The only major result of this is a high percentage of nosebleeds among our female population. Particularly Elisaveta.

Thirdly, Mathias appears to have joined every club in the school, then quit after a single session. The sports teams jumped at the chance to have him on the team, but he didn't accept any of them, claiming they were all too boring.

What on earth was he trying to do?


And so, after a wonderful week off, I begrudgingly returned to school. Mathias' hat was on the right, so I guess that made it Wednesday. So with that in mind, I... think something must have possessed me. I certainly wasn't in my right mind, trying to talk to Mathias again.

'Does your hat change place for any reason? Ward off aliens, maybe?'

'...when d'ya notice?' Result! Something resembling a normal conversation!

'...Recently.'

'I see... Every day has a different feel to it, doesn't it? So, Monday just isn't Hat Day. Then all the other days have their own direction.'

'I would have thought Sunday would be the non-hat day.'

'I didn't ask for your opinion!'

'Oh, really?'

Then Mathias turned and stared at me. Like he was searching me for something. Good grief, those eyes...

'...have I met ya before? Ya look like someone I met a long time ago.'

'Uh, nei.' To be honest, the question caught me off-guard slightly. I think I'd remember someone like him if I had met him before.

'Mm. Got the same hair, but if you're not him...'

The same hair? Wha? And who's this 'him'? Not like I'm going to get an answer or anything, but...

Well, in any case, a serious Mathias is an unusual Mathias. I was expecting him to be much more dismissive, like before. So when I came in the next day to find Mathias with a slightly larger black hat rather than the red one, I was slightly disturbed. Wasn't it a bit... odd to change old habits the day after I point them out?


In that way, short conversations in the morning became a daily event. I asked him about the dating rumours that Feliks was talking about. How silly of me.

'What makes ya think ya can ask something like that? I dunno what you've heard, but what the hell, it's probably true.'

'So... you didn't want to date any of them?'

'Boooo-ring. They were all so bland. No aliens, no time travellers, no espers...' Well, of course not. They're not exactly going to come running to you. 'And most of them asked me out over the phone! What's up with that, seriously? Important things should be talked about face-to-face!'

'Mm, you think?' Of course, I was hardly in a position to agree or disagree, having never actually been in that situation, but shush.

'That's not important!' Make your mind up, Mathias! 'It's just that this planet's filled with useless people, so I've been irritated these last few years!'

'Then what kind of person are you after? An alien?'

'An alien. Something like that. Gender doesn't matter, as long as they're not normal.'

'What's your obsession with abnormality?'

'It's more fun that way!'

Whilst I may be inclined to agree on that single point, you're hardly giving a good impression.

In other words, Mathias Køhler, you're a nutter, plain and simple.


A/N: Hei! Yes, it's a Haruhi crossover! Seen a couple around, but none focusing on the Nordics. Which is a shame, since they're already a five-man band, so they fit fairly well. I'll be following the anime for a while, but I'll be shifting things around a bit to fit in with Hetalia more.

In case you hadn't guessed, Norge is Norway and Mathias is Denmark. And no, Nor's not getting a proper name. Kyon hasn't. And Denmark seems soo out of character at the moment... Also, Poland is way too much fun to write.

Next chapter, Mathias cheers up a bit. The world is officially doomed.

Until next time, goodbyeeee~