Back to December

secondhandsaint

Roy Mustang stood outside of apartment 316 with a dreading feeling. He knew this could only end in hurt, though it was something he had to do none-the-less. Little greetings kept flashing through his head, mixed with ways of starting idle chatter. It all sounded so fake that he didn't know whether to bother or head straight into it. Twenty minutes must have gone by with him standing there like that, silent and brooding, trying to come up with the courage to knock on the door. He speculated that it wouldn't do it for itself and raised his hand. He hesitated briefly before giving a sharp knock.

"Come on, Roy! Give up the act and let me in! It's freezing!"

Roy made his way over to the door, flicking the lock and opening the door to see a rather snowed on Edward on his stoop, full paper bags in his arms. The December air whips around him and makes the snowflakes flutter around his red coat. The blonde grinned up at him and quickly made his way through the door into the house. Roy sighed and rubbed his forehead, turning to see Edward set the bags down on the kitchen table and begin unpacking them, snow melting into his braid.

"Ed, what are you doing?"

"I brought dinner. I know you don't like to cook and you're so busy all day so I figured, what the hell? I'll come over and-"

"No, I mean what are you doing?"

There was a moment of silence before the sound of the tumbler in the lock and the door swung open slightly, only to be tethered by the chain. Roy guessed he deserved that. A pair of gold eyes peaked around the edge of the door, surprised for a fraction of a second before a guarded glare fell over his features. Roy watched as his lover – ex lover now – clenched his jaw and steeled his body on instinct. It caused his heart to clench and he drew in a small breath.

"Hi Ed. Got a moment?"

The blonde gazed at him a beat before closing the door with a loud click. Roy stood a few moments before deciding it was stupid to try and turned to leave. A slide of metal on metal made him look and the door was yanked open a little wider. Roy jumped at the chance and pushed the door open more, slipping inside quickly and closing it behind him. Edward was grabbing a mug off the coffee table turned work desk and put it in the little kitchen. Roy looked around at the dimly lit room, the general tidiness and noticed the missing younger Elric.

"Where's Al?"

Edward set to work filling the kettle, with enough water for only one Roy noticed, and didn't face him.

"With Winry."

Of course he was. The boy was rarely out of the company of the mechanic. They were practically inseparable, the way he and Ed were. Used to be. It made Roy wince again and he shifted uncomfortably in the entranceway. Edward was measuring out the tea leaves as he spoke, not looking at Roy when he spoke.

"What do you want, Roy?"

"I was just… I wanted to spend time with you."

Roy shook his head and picked up his glass of scotch. Edward followed him with timid steps, reaching out to touch him gently on the shoulder.

"Roy?"

Roy slapped the offending hand, causing the younger alchemist to shy away, burying his mouth in his scarf. Roy gave him an annoyed look, as though he was a child bothering an adult in the middle of important work. Edward glanced around but didn't see any open files or manuscripts to be read. After a moment, Roy spoke again.

"Don't come around again."

"I wanted to check in. You know, see how things are going."

Edward didn't turn to look at him. The kettle whistled and as if automatically a metal hand reached out and poured the cup. Roy watched as this person, this golden haired boy acted like a zombie. Probably trying to keep a distance from him. Probably trying to keep things short and sweet so that Roy would just leave him alone. Roy wondered if he was waiting on someone, on some new lover. The silence grew increasingly more uncomfortable and Roy felt as if he couldn't get enough air. A thought occurred to him and he blurted it out as he walked a little further into the apartment.

"Your birthday wasn't too long ago, right? You look well."

That was a lie. The boy's shoulders were tight and drawn under a shirt that was creased. He was thinner, his old leather pants hanging looser than they used to. His hair wasn't tied in a braid, but hanging in a ponytail. When Edward turned around, Roy couldn't help but gasp.

Edward's eyes widened a moment before giving a small laugh. Roy gave him a quizzical look as the young man reached his arms around his waist, nuzzling his shoulder with a cold nose. Damn, the boy had just become too familiar. Too close, way too close!

"Come on, Roy. You don't mean that, you're just drunk."

"Will you get off!"

Roy grabbed Edward's arms, pulling them from around him and using them as leverage to push the smaller man away from him. Edward stumbled back a few steps before catching his balance, slipping slightly from the puddles he'd been dripping on the floor. Looking up in shock at his older lover, Edward's sharp yells were cut short as the look of rage cast his way. Roy's eyes had never seemed so black and his hair bristled as he growled.

"You're nothing but trouble! A couple of sweet-nothings and kisses in the car and you think we're soul mates! So goddamned clingy and meddling! Can't you just leave me alone?"

Edward looked as though someone had punched him squarely in the gut. His eyes rimmed with tears and he shook his head as he took a step closer. Roy's eyes watched him as he fought for the words to say, knowing that he was being hurtful and sharp with the boy, but dammit couldn't he understand? Roy ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up at odd angles and he growled as he heard Edward sputter.

"But you… you said…-"

"Edward, open your eyes! You're hot stuff, I would have said anything to get a piece of that!"

Roy reached around and roughly grabbed Edward's backside. The younger gave a small shout of hurt and disgust and wiggled himself out of reach. That may not have been true, but it's better Edward thought it was. There are so many things he had to deal with, he didn't need a court martial. Roy walked back over the kitchen table and took a swig of his scotch.

The boy's eyes had never looked so dull. There was no shine like there had been only three months ago. The color had gone grey. His face was thin and drawn. There were dark circles under his eyes and they looked slightly red as though he may have been crying in the past few hours. Edward had drawn into himself and was holding onto the mug of tea as though it were a lifeline, looking anywhere but Roy.

Roy felt his mouth go dry as the sight of his lover – no, ex lover, he had no right to make such claims anymore. Edward wouldn't say anything, lips drawn tight. It made Roy so angry to see him like this, a shell of someone he knew and he breaks his resolve.

"Okay, fuck the small talk. I came because I wanted to apologize."

Edward looks up at him, briefly surprised before letting the mask fall back into place. Roy scowls as this brief and missed opportunity and gulps a breath of air. The blonde clenches his jaw and looks away from the older man.

"You did, can you leave now?"

Edward is about to walk past him to the sofa when Roy sees a chance and takes it. His gloved hand reaches out and grabs Edward's wrist, yanking the mug out of his automail and placing it on the coffee table. Edward is about to argue when Roy forces the blonde to face him, brow drawn and face flushed.

"I'm not leaving."

"I'm not leaving."

Roy scowled as he watched this boy, this annoying boy brace himself for a fight, just the way things always were with him. He laughed at the pathetic display, the confused look on Edward's face, and rubs his brow. He really is such a child, another reason continuing this relationship is wrong. Edward's lip stiffens and he sniffs.

"I won't, Roy! I won't until you tell me why!"

Roy stops and drops his hand as he stares at the blonde. His fists are clenched at his sides and his feet shift, chin up and eyes hard. He looks almost comical in his soggy state and Roy can only think that the water better not ruin the hardwood floor. When did he become so cold? He mentally shakes it off as the boy's words sink in. It makes Roy sneer.

"You're not supposed to be here, never were. You don't get it, do you?"

Roy steps towards the blonde, catching his gaze and rooting him to the spot. He is close enough that he is sure Edward can smell the liquor on his breath and grins at the thought that the last time they were this close they were naked and moaning for one another. It makes him scowl slightly, bitterness and something strange mixing oddly in his stomach and he shakes it off. He leans in close to Edward's ear, smirking as he speaks low.

"I don't want you anymore."

Edward catches his breath in his chest and he struggles to keep his tears in check. Roy knows he is being callous. What he is saying is only half truths, and the liquor is speaking more than he is. Roy steps back from the blonde, finishing his drink and turning away. He can hear sniffles and harsh breaths before the sound of footsteps and the slam of his door.

It is as if this shell breaks and Edward steps out, all anger and hurt, pulling at his arm to get free. Roy holds steadfast, grinning a moment to see that he has gotten through and moves to take Edward into his arms, but the blonde is fighting with fists.

"What's the idea?"

"Edward please, listen-"

"Why should I?"

"I want you back!"

"No you don't, you just want a fuck-buddy!"

Roy knew that was going to come up but it didn't hurt any less to have his words thrown back at him. He deserved it though, that and so much more for hurting this boy. Roy bit down and wrapped his arms tight around the blonde. Edward immediately began to struggle, kicking as Roy's shins with painful accuracy. He pulled the boy closer, clenching his teeth as some of his punches landed along his ribs and shoulder. Edward's shouts to let him go made him close his eyes.

"Edward, I want you! I should have never said those things, you weren't just another lay!"

"You're lying!"

"You weren't just another notch in my bedpost, I swear!"

"Stop lying to me!"

Edward stopped hitting and was now just trying to free himself of the grip that held him, of this man. They danced around the living room like this, Roy trying to keep Edward close as the blonde desperately tried to get away. Roy struggled to hold him as the automail dug into the hollow below his collarbone. Edward arched his back away from the colonel, pulling them both off balance. Roy gave a small grunt and they fell, Edward's head in line with the corner of the coffee table.

"Edward!"

Roy threw his left hand out to push the table out of the way, turning their bodies so that he would bear the brunt if he missed. The table and the mug of tea clattered to the side as the two fell. The colonel let out a yelp as he landed hard on his hand, Edward's weight added to his as he fell on top of him. His head hit the floor, and he saw stars burst in front of his vision a moment, blinking them back and thankful for the carpeting.

Edward is still a moment before leaning up to look at Roy. Roy blinks a few more times before looking at the boy. Edward scowls again and tries to stand, but Roy's arms tighten around him until he is forced to lie on top of the older man. He is about to protest when Roy meets his gaze and forces out what he had been keeping since December.

"I lied, okay? I lied about everything!"

Edward stops struggling and looks down into onyx eyes, hair trailing the older man's cheek. Roy gives a slight huff, then continues when he is sure that Edward is listening and will not try to fight.

"I thought it was wrong, us being together. I thought we were getting too close. You're so young and my subordinate, and I listened to my pride and career. I thought you were a distraction."

Tears begin to roll down Edward's cheeks and fall onto Roy's, clenching the man's heart in a vice to watch the blonde in agony. He had caused this, he made this mess in his arms. His grip loosened and he continued.

"I convinced myself that I didn't need you and I thought if I could convince you of that it would be easier. I didn't mean those things I said, I was stupid and drunk. I said them because I thought it would make you leave and once it worked I realized it was a mistake. I didn't see what I had with you until afterwards. Edward, please, I do want you around, I need you."

Edward is now sobbing, hiding his face in his hands and Roy can feel guilt building up. He knew he hurt the blonde; that had been an unfortunate part of keeping him at a distance, but to tear him apart like this. Roy had no idea he was hurting as much as he was. He slowly reaches up to try to pull Edward's hands from his face, wincing at the ache in his hand.

"Edward, I wish I could go back to December and change it! I should never have said those things, I should have never pushed you away. I'm sorry! I want you back."

The younger alchemist doesn't move or speak. Roy knows he will have to swallow his pride. As he looks down at Edward, he finds it an easy thing to do and he releases him. Roy gulps down air and tilts his mouth to Edward's ear, whispering.

"Edward, please… I'm begging you, come back to me."

Roy holds his breath as he waits for Edward to answer him. The blonde doesn't move or speak, still softly sobbing into his hands. A slow, burning ache starts inside the colonel's chest, growing with each second Edward doesn't speak and it chokes him. Roy can feel his own eyes prickle with tears and he bites his lip.

As he lays there he thinks of the boy on his chest. He thinks of the time he first met him in Resembool, desperate and clinging to hope. He thought of the first kiss, sloppy and rough as a result of creeping closer during an argument at work. He remembers their first time in the back of Roy's car, Edward gasping that he'd better not stop. The image of hurt in Edward's eyes that night in December makes his heart sink and he swallows the lump in his throat.

"I understand. I'll… I'll go."

Roy is pushing Edward to the side and lifting himself off the floor. An automail hand lashes out and forces him back down onto the floor. The wind is knocked out of him and he gives a cough, eyes wide as he looked up to Edward. Molten gold eyes are churning, teeth clenched and his brow is knit in anger. Tears still stream down his face as he straddles Roy's waist, fists clenching his shirt.

"How dare you!"

Roy felt himself shiver as he looked up at Edward, wincing as the boy lowered himself so that the tip of their noses nearly touched. Holding his breath, Roy's eyes widened as he listened to the blonde's low tenor.

"How dare you! You don't get to walk in here and call me a child and a distraction! You don't get to manipulate me the way you did! What makes you think you have the right to ask me to come back after what you did?"

Roy stares up at him, knowing very well that he didn't have any right at all. Once again that night he finds himself without words. Edward stares at him, eyes narrowed at him and automail fist digging painfully close to his throat. He can honestly think of only one thing to say, the one thing he had never said before now, though he doesn't know how it will comfort this boy. Though something has got to be better than nothing, right? So he licks his lips, swallows and speaks.

"I love you, Ed."

This seems to have the opposite effect of comfort. Edward starts to cry harder now and his hands are clasping onto Roy's chest. Roy wonders if the metal fist will connect with his jaw and while he deserves it, he hopes it won't. He is about to push the boy to the side and stand to leave when Edward shoves him back onto the ground, leaning his body along him and kissing him.

Roy's eyes widen as Edward's lips kneed his, fingers tangling in black hair. The older doesn't understand the sudden change of behavior and is stunned still as the blonde kisses him deeper. Finally his amazement subsides long enough for him to decide to kiss back when Edward pulls his lips away.

"Don't lie!"

"Never!"

Roy reaches up and pulls Edward in again. This times he puts all he can into the kiss, mashing his lips to Edward's in a desperate fashion, tongues sliding along each other's. Roy's fingers slide up into blonde hair, pulling the tie out and running through the strands. Edward grips his shirt in his fists and pulls the older man up to him, trying to assert his control over the kiss. Roy allows Edward to take over and feels himself being dragged off the floor.

They somehow manage to stumble their way into Edward's bedroom and as Roy is pulling off the shirt that hides the small frame, he is thinking how unbelievably lucky he is that he's not being strangled right now. Edward's hands are pulling his shirt tails out of his pants and buttons go flying as it is ripped open. Roy leans down and picks the boy off the floor, grunting as he is heavier than he looks with his automail and muscle mass. Edward is practically thrown onto the bed and Roy quickly climbs over him, not wasting time before their heated kiss is continued.

Rage has given way to passion as the two kiss and nip at one another. By the time Roy has licked a line down Edward's chest to his nipple, the blonde has his hand down the front of the man's pants, stroking his erection. Gasps and moans escape Edward's lips as the feelings begin to overwhelm him, automail fisting the bed covers. Roy moves to the other nipple, suckling and tugging with his teeth, forcing out the noises out of the boy beneath him. The hand that is stroking him roams to his belt buckle and soon his pants fall to the floor with Edward's closely following.

Now in nothing but their boxers, the two part, staring at each other as they gauge the situation. This is going too fast, way too fast. Their panting breaths are testimony to how worked up they are, how they really feel about each other and the last bit of their guard slips away. Swallowing hard, Roy brushes back a piece of hair and Edward blinks at the soft touch. Roy lets his fingers trail down his face, down his throat, past the ports and along his stomach to the waistband of his boxers. Golden eyes meet onyx and Edward nods once, pulling Roy down for a soft kiss.

Stripping off their last pieces of clothing, the two meet each other, flesh against flesh. The heat between them causes a jolt of electricity to run up Roy's spine and he shivers. All thoughts disappear as the blonde moans out his name and for him to move. Edward's arms wrap around him and he grins as he lowers his mouth to the boy's neck. Roy fumbles as he reaches over to the bedside table, pulling out the little bottle and popping it open.

He flinches as Edward bites into his shoulder, steeling himself as Roy wiggles a finger inside. Roy is whispering softly in his ear and kissing his jaw, Edward responding by slowly relaxing around his digits. The older gently slips his finger in a little more until he's completely inside, thrusting a little until Edward is panting into his neck. A second finger is added and then a third. Roy curls his fingers and finds that sweet spot, making Edward buck up to him and moan. Roy sees that as a sign and slowly slips his fingers away as Edward whines at the loss.

"Don't leave."

"I won't."

Roy quickly oils himself and gently parts Edward's legs, lining his hips up as he watches golden eyes. They show no hesitation and he slips inside, gritting his teeth at the feeling of Edward around him. The blonde throws his head back at being filled and reaches for his lover. Roy complies, wrapping mismatched legs around his waist and gathering the boy into his arms. The thrusts start slow and he nuzzles Edward's nose, begging for a kiss.

It is only a few seconds before the kiss is wet and passionate, their thrusts shaking the bed, their moans growing louder. Desire and desperation, pent up resentment and anger are all letting loose and they break their kiss in favor of chasing completion. The automail is leaving bruises on Roy's shoulder and hot breaths in his neck are hard to ignore.

The hot coiling feeling is beginning to build in his abdomen, brought on by the tight warmth and the safe feeling he'd felt with Edward. Though he is close, he knows the blonde is not quite there yet and reaches between them to grasp the boy's erection. Edward gives a strangled cry at the contact but whimpers his joy as Roy begins to stroke him, mirroring the pace of his thrusts. Roy grunts as the muscles surrounding him tighten and release and knows that it will not be long. He is thrusting with abandon now and each time he hits that spot Edward clings to him, crying out. It makes him grin and close his eyes.

"Roy!"

At the sound of his name, he looks up, dazed by the sight before him. Edward is biting his lip, eyes clenched shut, head thrown back and hair scattered around him like a halo. He glows in the dim light and Roy can only marvel at him as he whispers his affirmations of love, hips thrusting and heart pumping. He shifts slightly and the connection makes Edward call out, a primal growl ripping from his throat as he reaches his peak, fingers clawing down Roy's back, spilling along their bellies.

Roy grits his teeth as Edward clamps down on him and white spots explode in front of his eyes. He is filling his lover and moaning his name, hips still jerking as he rides the waves of release. Finally he collapses onto his lover, sighing as arms tighten around him and he feels lips on his neck and shoulder.

Leaning on his elbows, Roy looks down at Edward, heart thumping as he fears the blonde will change his mind, regret what they have just done and tell him to get out of his life for good. Instead Edward reaches up to wipe his sweaty hair back, swallowing thickly and grinning.

"I love you too, bastard."

Roy blinks in surprise, a little amazed as he is pulled down for another kiss. Purring contently, he slipped to Edward's side, pulling the covers over the two of them and tugging Edward towards him until the blonde was resting on him. As he played with the strands, watching the boy falling asleep on his chest, he counted his good fortune and his blessings. He was wrong to think that he could force Edward away. He was wrong to let his pride get in the way or to stand behind his career and make excuses about age and rank. He could live without being Fuhrer, he couldn't live without Edward. He was just fortunate enough to go back to December and fix it.