She's Not My Girlfriend: A Tale of Idiocy

(Instances in which Robin is an idiot)


Time: 9:36AM

Location: Common Room/Kitchen

Other notes: Breakfast

"Cyborg, would you move your stinking bacon away from me?" Beast Boy snapped viciously. He winced as Cyborg lifted a particularly greasy slice of bacon to his lips and tossed it in his mouth, swallowing without chewing. He glared at Beast Boy as he licked the grease off his lips.

"Only once you move your stinking tofu crap away from me!" Cyborg retorted, mimicking Beast Boy's wince in a much more theatrical manner. Raven lifted her violet eyes up from her tea, settling them on Beast Boy and Cyborg. She scowled pointedly, but it went ignored.

"It isn't crap! This was made without the need to kill an innocent animal!"

"And it tastes like cardboard! Why can't you just admit that bacon is a delicacy and tofu is nasty?"

"Because killing animals is wrong!"

"Guys," Raven said, scowl deepening. They both looked up at once, alarmed at her tone. Raven twitched, black magic swirling around her head, and they fell silent at once. She took a deep breath and went back to stirring her tea.

Starfire, who had been preparing her breakfast nearby, hadn't even noticed their squabble. She had just taken waffles out of the toaster and was piling them up on a plate, mustard in hand. The other Titans glanced up as she squirted the yellow substance on her waffles, green eyes glowing with greed as she soaked them. Once the bottle was empty, she tossed it to the side and began to devour the waffles on the spot.

"I'm not hungry anymore," Beast Boy mumbled quietly, pushing his plate away and looking even more green than usual.

Starfire swiped the plate a few times with her tongue before dropping it into the sink and grinning at her friends. A drop of mustard was smeared on her upper lip, and they all looked away, sighing collectively.

"You know… there's maple syrup in the fridge," Raven said after a pause. Starfire blinked.

"Why would I replace such a wonderful condiment with something so ghastly?" Starfire inquired. Raven shrugged and went back to her tea, but the boys were still staring at her, thoroughly amazed and repulsed.

Robin walked in at that precise moment, frowning when he saw the looks Beast Boy and Cyborg were giving Starfire. The "protective best friend" look appeared on his face, and Beast Boy gulped and averted his eyes away from Starfire.

Robin slowly took his gloves off (he did this before meals now), and started forward.

"What's up, guys?" Robin asked, walking over. He noticed the mustard on Starfire's lip right away (of course he did, it was on Starfire's lip!) and chuckled. Starfire looked at him questioningly, but Robin just smiled and swiped the mustard off her lip with his finger. She blushed and giggled quietly.

"Mustard waffles again?" he asked her, smiling crookedly. Starfire giggled again, nodding. She looked at Robin's finger, which still had the mustard on it, and then flicked her gaze back to his face. Without thinking, she popped his finger into her mouth and sucked the mustard off. A shocked pause followed.

Robin's face went blood red, only deepening when Beast Boy and Cyborg both fell over laughing. Raven glanced at Starfire, an amused smirk on her face, and sipped her tea.

"OOOooohhhhh," Beast Boy mocked.

"Oooh lala," Cyborg chimed, and they dissolved into laughter again. Starfire frowned at Robin questioningly, but he was blushing so hard that his eyes would not move away from his unmarred of his boots. He took a deep breath, and, after a moment, looked up at Starfire.

"It's… inappropriate to do that kind of stuff Star," he explained, forcing himself to look at her. She was just being naïve- she'd probably done it to preserve the mustard, not to be suggestive, he thought to himself.

"Oh," Starfire said, crestfallen. She looked like a kicked puppy whenever she realized that she'd done something to upset Robin, and it was even worse when she didn't understand what she'd done wrong.

"Don't listen to him Star," Cyborg said, laughing still as he stood up. "He just can't stand having his girlfriend do that kind of stuff around us." He broke out into fits of laughter again. Beast Boy nodded in agreement, still chortling.

"She's. Not. My. Girlfriend." Robin glared at Cyborg, face livid, before spinning on his heel and fleeing. Starfire felt a familiar ache shoot through her as her friends' laughter filled her ears.

Time: 3:06PM

Location: Downtown Jump City

Other Notes: Mad Mod, 3 days later

"TITANS, GO!" Robin bellowed, running at the army of cards and whipping out his bo staff. He spun it with ease, ripping apart the cards and aiming kicks left and right. The army was no match for the Boy Wonder, but there were many. Robin ran quickly through the body of the army, hitting as many cards as he could, while Starfire hit every card he missed with a starbolt. When her starbolts came in contact with the cards, they immediately disappeared in a cloud of smoke. She flew overhead, eyes flashing a dangerous green.

"Booya!" Cyborg yelled, his sonic cannon hitting the fluffy bunnies that were hopping towards him menacingly. He was having trouble getting to the cards, as the bunnies and giant chess pieces had created a wall of themselves to block him off. They vanished in a puff of magic dust each time they were hit, only to be replaced by more. Raven used her own magic to conjure them away, standing a great distance away from the mess next to Beast Boy. He was transforming into a rhino, preparing to run through the wall.

"You okay Star?" Robin called, glancing up at Starfire as he spun his staff in a display of intricate moves that were difficult to follow.

"Yes, but Robin! Mad Mod is up ahead, and there are many clones of him!" Starfire blasted a final starbolt into the army, destroying the remaining cards before flying forward. Robin ran towards the final wave of bullshit that Mad Mod had conjured, a cocky smirk spreading across his face. Soon the other Titans joined him, all wearing similar smirks. Mad Mod had lost his touch long ago, but for some reason they just couldn't keep him in jail.

In what seemed to be a matter of minutes, Mad Mod was kneeling before them, his magical cane split in half and his top hat lying morosely on the ground. A crowd of people had formed, all cheering for the Titans as they waited for the police to come. Anyone living in Jump City could tell you that seeing the Titans battle was probably one of the biggest attractions the city had to offer. When the Titans fought reoccurring villains such as Mad Mod, it wasn't uncommon for people to gather around the sidelines and cheer them on.

"Starfire! STARFIRE!" some of the people were chanting. Robin glanced up to see why they were saying her name but regretted it almost instantly. A few teenage boys were running over, goofy grins on their faces.

"Starfire, will you sign my hat?"

"Will you sign my shirt?"

"Will you kiss me?"

Robin took a deep breath, willing himself not to whip out his bo staff once more and kick their sorry asses. Starfire cocked her head at the boys, a curious expression on her face.

"Why would you require me to kiss you or sign my signature on your clothing? I do not require information, and that would surely stain your clothes?" The boys glanced at each other awkwardly, unsure of how to answer.

"They're fans, Star," Robin muttered finally, looking away and scowling at the now intrigued Mad Mod. Cyborg nudged Beast Boy, and they both turned their attention to the boys and Starfire, evil grins on their faces.

"Oh! Of course, do you have a pen?" The boys drooled as Starfire signed each of their items. She looked at the boy who had asked for the kiss and pecked his forehead lightly, not noting the blush that spread across his freckled cheeks. She smiled when they ran away, even bigger smiles now plastered on their faces.

The other Titans looked at Robin expectantly, wondering what his reaction would be.

"What?" he snapped bitterly. Mad Mod looked up at him from his place on the ground, his brow furrowed evilly.

"Well, your lil' ducky just kissed a fan on the forehead. I'd expect you to be quite upset now," Mad Mod said innocently. Robin went red in the face and kicked Mad Mod in the gut before stalking away, muttering darkly. Mad Mod groaned in response, but his eyes were still glinting maliciously. Starfire watched Robin go, confused as ever. Beast Boy and Cyborg snickered, and Raven was now rolling her eyes, already sick of the game they were playing.

"Robin, your girlfriend misses you!" Cyborg called. "Get back here!"

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Robin yelled without turning around. Starfire's lower lip jutted out on its own accord, and she pulled her hair in front of her face to conceal the disappointed pout.

Time: 6:43PM

Location: Training Area, Titans Tower

Other Notes: All Titans in sweats, 1 day later

"Who wants to try the obstacle course next?" Robin spat, bent over as he inhaled and exhaled slowly. The other Titans raised their eyebrows dubiously at him, looks of inquiry on their faces as they watched him breathe. It took a lot to get Robin breathing like that- if you weren't 5"8 and a very tan alien girl with big green eyes, the job was almost impossible.

"I will," Cyborg said finally, as he was always the first to overexert himself; next to Robin, anyway.

"Glorious, friend Cyborg! I truly hope you do not perish!" Starfire said, smiling unsurely at Robin in hopes that he would laugh. He examined one of the more difficult parts of the obstacle course intensely, his arms folded.

Beast Boy and Raven exchanged a glance upon seeing this before breaking out in somewhat-convincing chuckles.

"That was a good one Star," Beast Boy said, elbowing her.

"Yeah it was… very humorous," Raven murmured, worry not evident, but present nonetheless.

Cyborg climbed up onto the platform, his expression completely focused. He was lowered into a small pit-like area, a gate blocking the droids from attacking him. The course was difficult- riddled with droids, complex obstacles and gates that wouldn't unlock unless an extreme amount of force was pressed on them or someone hacked it. Cyborg immediately got through the first gate, his sonic cannon charging up as he stepped through.

"Go, Cyborg! You can do better than that, why aren't you trying hard enough?" Robin bellowed as the droids advanced on Cyborg. Starfire clasped her hands together and stepped forward; ignoring the ripples of doubt she felt when she saw Robin's tensed back muscles. She put her hand on his shoulder nervously, but he automatically shrugged it off.

"Robin…" Starfire said mournfully. Raven and Beast Boy were also staring at Robin, despite the massive explosions that Cyborg was causing in the course.

"Not now," he said hotly. "Cyborg, what are you doing? Come on, man, you're better than this!"

Starfire's shoulders slumped. She turned and walked back to Raven and Beast Boy.

"Dude, look what you did to your girlfriend!" Beast Boy let the word escape him before he could give it much thought. Raven turned her fiery glare on him, but Robin was visibly about to explode. He spun around.

"How many times," he said evenly, "do I have to tell you guys? Starfire is NOT my girlfriend! She never was and never will be! So just stop saying-"

One last explosion from the course sent Cyborg stumbling out. He stared at Robin, his gaze mirroring Raven's and Beast Boy's. Starfire's eyes welled up with tears as she brought her hand up to her mouth to muffle the whimpering noises that she was making. Her wide green eyes were on Robin, and he saw something finally snap inside her.

Robin softened. "Star-"

The door closed with a loud bang.

Time: 7:32PM

Location: Roof of Titans Tower

Other Notes: Sunset, same day

The sky was a ripe pink and the wind cool when Starfire ventured to the roof of the tower. After dejectedly dragging herself up the stairs, she'd plopped herself down on the edge of the roof, too saddened to manage a hover. Pulling her knees up to her face and winding her arms around them, Starfire stared at the sky and tried to absorb the most energy she could manage.

"Robin hates me," she whispered, burying her face into the crook of her elbow. The tears hadn't actually fallen yet, but the sick feeling in her stomach was worse. Every now and then her heart would give a feeble squeeze, jolting Starfire with painful realization. Her best friend had outright yelled that he never wanted… no, she couldn't even think it.

Would she be able to fight any criminals now? Surely even Control Freak could bring her down in this state. There wasn't a criminal in the world Starfire could apprehend at that moment. Her powers were useless when she felt so low, and she had barely made it to the roof without succumbing to fatigue. Tamarans were considered strong for wearing their emotions so proudly, but Starfire knew that on Earth it was a weakness. Whether it was because her love for Robin was stronger than any kind of love she had felt on Tamaran, Starfire didn't know.


Starfire was a great warrior. She was powerful, strong, and possessed rare abilities that anyone would kill for. She was also very beautiful. One thought she had never entertained before coming to Earth was finding a mate. She figured that if she didn't die before one of her superiors chose a groom for her, she would be forced to live with a man that she did not love and she would merely yield to his every command. No, romance was not possible in her life, she had decided.

But things changed when she came to Earth. At first, when she'd landed on the planet, she was scared that the Gordanians would take her back. In her confusion and fear, she'd smashed up half the city just so she could take her hand restraints off. The fear had dissipated when a boy with a brightly colored costume on used a strange tool to release her from the bonds. She couldn't say that she'd fallen in love with him at that moment, but something foreign had stirred inside her. When they became friends, the foreign feelings kept coming back, at times catching her off guard and making her practically fall over from their impact. For a long time she had trouble identifying it, but she eventually figured out what she wanted. Unfortunately, it was not reciprocated.

Starfire swallowed and closed her eyes tightly, hoping to hold back the tears that kept threatening to break her control. She wouldn't cry. She had to focus on something else- like the sun. She focused on the heat of the sun, trying to collect power and push the pain away; but the sun was sinking in the sky, losing its light. Starfire had only minutes before she'd be sitting on the roof of the Tower alone in the dark.

"Why is it that you always come up here?" Robin asked quietly from behind her. He walked over to Starfire and let himself settle down next to her, expression calm and body free of any stiffness. He seemed completely fine, yet she was a mess. The realization hit her again, and a fresh wave of tears began to spill from Starfire's eyes.

"I'm sorry Beast Boy and Cyborg have been teasing us so much," Robin said finally, staring at the sunset. Only a faint glow remained; a mere splash of pink fading into blue.

Starfire felt the tears in her eyes dry, and she turned to give Robin a look of disbelief. Did he seriously think she was upset about being teased?

"Robin, I…"

"They can be complete jerks sometimes," Robin continued on as if she hadn't spoken. "But they're really just like brothers who tease you about everything, you know? I mean, it totally pisses me off when they do it because I know how sensitive you can be, and I can try having a serious talk with them-"

"Zortak amgorg! Yuuk zamma clorbag! UUUGGGGHHHH!" Starfire had stood up and was pacing on the roof, randomly throwing her starbolts at the water below. Robin stared at her, half frozen in shock, half in amazement. The girl had just gone from completely immobilized by depression to angry and chucking starbolts left and right.

"Star, I don't know what you're-" Starfire spun around, eyes and hands glowing green. Her teeth were bared, and for one terrifying moment Robin envisioned the way she'd looked at them when they'd first met, right before she'd thrown that minivan.

"Stop," Starfire hissed, closing her eyes and inhaling. The glowing ceased and Robin sighed with relief. He stared at Starfire, waiting for her to recover. "You are… completely clueless sometimes, Robin."

"Clueless?" Robin echoed, tugging at his collar nervously. He honestly had no idea what was going on with Starfire, but his pulse had quickened considerably and he felt sweat plastering his hair to his neck, despite the cool night air that was settling around them.

"Yes, you are the clueless!" Starfire shrieked, throwing her arms up in the air. "If you are able to claim with true honesty that you are unaware of the present circumstances, then you are clueless, Robin!"

"Please... explain…" Robin said breathlessly, amazed at her emotion. He could feel the energy Starfire was emitting into the air, and it was truly invigorating.

"I have been most patient in waiting to see if you return the feelings I have been experiencing. I have given every hint that I have been able to give without being the obvious, and I have even attempted to be more sexually appealing just to see if you would, as you say, 'take the bait.' However, even though you appeared intrigued, you never once admitted to wanting any relations with me other than friendship, Robin! I am tiring of this game we play! Please, inform me, do seek more than companionship with me?" Starfire dug her fingers into the roots of her hair and exhaled loudly, eyes averting to her feet. Robin's mouth promptly fell open, and he felt every word he wanted to say wedge itself in his throat. Along with his heart. He put a hand to his chest to make sure it was still beating strong, for he had almost been certain that it had stopped at her words.

"Starfire…" Robin said with a smiling tugging at his lips. He had never felt so sad, happy, silly, confused, and excited all at once. It was completely overwhelming in the best kind of way.

"Robin… do you?" Starfire whispered, removing her hands and staring into his mask shyly.

"I…" Robin just stared blankly at her, at a loss for words. Starfire seemed to know him well enough to fill in the blanks, though- she stepped forward and ripped the mask off his face without any further hesitation, pushing her lips against his in a frenzied yet gentle way. Robin took no time to react this time- he wound his arms around her waist and kissed her back with just as much fervor.

When they finally broke apart, Starfire could barely conceal the smug little smirk that her lips had formed. His eyes were blue.

Author's Note

I liked writing this one a lot but I don't know if it's really any good. Either way, I haven't posted in awhile, so I hope you liked it! :)