We hope this is funny. We're not sure though. Our minds are too tainted with bias. Please tell us whether or not it's funny.
We wanted to call this "Dragoon's Revenge" or "Dragoon's Parting Gift." However, we've noticed that some people enjoy separating the identities the of Merlin and "Emrys." Since we weren't doing anything like that, we didn't want you to think we were. BTW, though it's not mentioned in the story, Uther thinks the burning hair is Dragoon's revenge.
We are presuming you have seen the episode "Queen of Hearts." If you haven't we strongly advise that you don't read this. At least not until after you've seen that episode. That is, unless you like being confused.
We'd also like to point out that this isn't are best work. We just wanted to go ahead put it up. Because it's on our list of terrors. NO, FERN! It isn't our best work, but it's NOT on our list of terrors.
P.S. In case you were wondering. We don't own Merlin.
P.S.S. No slash.
Merlin closed his eyes to the explosion. When he opened them, he saw white fluff. Everywhere.
He gaped. The spell had worked. He had aged, but his hair had also grown unimaginably long. It spiraled from Merlin's face to a knee high lump around him. It was at least mid-calf high everywhere else.
Merlin muttered a spell to cut the hair at his waist. He would leave his hair and beard long to increase the effect of the disguise. At least, it would be considered long to everyone else. Merlin had a new definition of long hair.
Merlin then attempted to untangle himself from the mess of hair. However, his now achy, old body protested. Escaping knee high hair would have a minor adventure when was young. Now, in his sudden old age, it was arduous and seemed insurmountable. Merlin resorted to magic.
He groaned. Merlin was now standing in the only patch of floor that was free from the wretched blanket of hair. It didn't sound like a good idea to leave it. What if someone, like Arthur, came in here looking for Merlin. No reasonable excuse existed for absurdly long old man hair. But he didn't have time to dispose of it quite yet.
Using magic, Merlin tried to shrink it. The hair shrunk, but not as much as Merlin would have liked. He tried to shove the hair under his bed with his powers. The abomination wouldn't all fit. Merlin had to cut off parts of the hair, pull up floor boards, and even stuff some of it into cupboards.
Having finally hidden the last inch of the white hair, Merlin walked his creaky old body down stairs to show Gaius his accomplishment.
The next day...
Merlin was young and covered in stable muck. He staggered haphazardly into his room. He sank onto his bed. What he really needed to do was look under the bed. But surely, after drinking the potion, the hair would disappear. However, a corner of Merlin's mind gnawed at him. The hair stashed about the room had no longer been attached to him when he drank the potion. A small part of him wanted to ask Gaius to look for him. Merlin was almost felt that it would be gone only if it wasn't him that looked. Someone else had to look first, or it would reappear. Merlin sighed. He bent over and lifted his blanket.
He knew should have had Gaius look. The abomination was still there.
Merlin wasn't sure how he had managed to sneak out of Camelot with several pounds of hair. But he did it! Merlin dug a large hole and dumped in the hair.
Merlin gagged. The stench was suffocatingly horrific. For a minute Merlin thought he might die right there.
Even when Merlin got back home, he could still smell it. Great, he thought sarcastically. The smell must have seeped into his clothes.
The next morning...
"Rise and shine!" Merlin said boisterously.
Arthur sat up groggily. "Ugh, the room smells..." Arthur shook his head. "Awful... still."
"Still?" Merlin asked.
"A stench invaded my chambers last night," Arthur said, "You've got to take care of it. It smelled almost like burning hair."
So Arthur smelled it too. It didn't just seep into Merlin's clothes last night. It must have attacked all of Camelot.
Merlin said without thinking, "Could've been my hair."
Arthur looked confused. "Not unless you shaved your head and burnt the clippings right outside my room." Arthur's voice took on a mischievous tone, "Why? Are you wearing a wig?"
Arthur leapt out of bed. He grabbed Merlin's hair and gave it a nice tug.
"Ouch!" Merlin yelled.
"Now, get working, or maybe I will burn your hair."
Also, we will be writing an alternate version of this story. We think the alternate will be much funnier. Instead, Merlin will leave sheet of hair on his floor for the day. We will do this once we've put up another chapter for "Crossover Blues."
Yes, we know that, logically, if the spell affected his hair like that, it should also affect his nails. However, we decided to leave that alone. As far as we're concerned, for some strange reason, the hair but not the nails was affected.