Authors Note: This is how DH would have ended if it were up to me…. You all should praise God that it wasn't. xD This isn't met to be taken seriously! So just keep that in mind…
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter…. But I do own Peter's Sixty-Seven Cats! (;
"I'm so gangster
You can find me baking cookies at night
You out clubbing
But I just made Carmel delight"
-Taylor Swift ft T-Pain, Thug Story
When Voldemort walked into the next Death Eater meeting, everyone looked at him funny, except Bellatrix, who winked at him and gave him the 'call me' sign with her hand to her ear. Ignoring all the funny looks, Voldemort smiled happily and looked at everybody sitting at the really long table.
"We really like what you've done with the place. Add windows was a good move," Luscious, I mean, Lucius spoke from his spot near the back. "Don't we, Bobby?" He coed to his pimp-cane in a baby voice.
Rolling his eyes at the blond man, he frowned. "Did I ask you to speak, Luscious?" Voldemort scowled.
Lucius then timidly raised his hand.
"Yes?" Voldemort asked, with a smirk.
"Why did you call me 'Luscious'?" He asked, "do you think my shiny blonde hair is so beautiful and shiny and blonde that you should call me 'Luscious'?" He asked, his voice filling with excitement. He'd been shampooing, rinsing, and repeating. Everyone was jealous, he just knew it. Especially Snape, who used his left-over bacon grease for shampoo because he couldn't afford any. Everyone knows people only work at Hogwarts because their homeless. Duh.
"No." Voldemort said deadpanned. Then he smiled brightly. "I called you that because we all need Gangster names! If you hadn't noticed from my choice in apparel," he started, motioning to his baggy pants that were around his knees, his Barney boxer shorts that stopped at mid thigh, showing his freshly-shaved legs (or a portion of them), his really heavy gold chain, the gold and silver grill he stole from a dude sleeping on a bench, and a over-sized white tee. "I'm now a Gangster. I've decided this whole killing muggles business isn't working out. So we're all going to America to do gang-ish things!" He said happily.
"Oh em gee! This is, like, so exciting! Can I bring my sixty seven cats?" Peter asked, throwing his long hair over his shoulder and combing a pink nail the length of a really long thing through it.
"Of course you can! We could never leave Billy, Sue, Mary, Bob, Jane, Jack, Tim, Tommy, Carrot, Jean, Gregory, Bunny, Bobby, Hairy…."
Five hours later…
"…Carol, Gee Gee, Baby, and last, but certainly not least, Cat." Voldemort said, taking in a deep breath. It was a lot of work to recite the names of sixty-seven cats.
"Yay!" Peter exclaimed.
After that, they jumped up and down, kissed each other (or, in Bella's case, attempted to rape Moldy Voldy), held furry things, and bought plane tickets.
They were going to America!
After Voldemort bought his plane tickets, he went home and packed everything up. He wrote a letter to the Order letting them know he was leaving for America to become a Gangster in the morning. They didn't believe him at first, and thought it was code for 'I'm going to bomb you', so they attacked.
Only one person died, but no one even knew Peter was gone. Well, except for one cat. We have an excusive interview, you can only find here:
"So, Cat, when did you first realize Peter was missing?" One of our reporters asked the cat who was clearly in distress.
"When no one fed me! I'm a growing cat Yo! I need food! I was so pissed. I mean, come on! Here I am, starving, and the fool goes off and gets his self killed! Who does that!"
"There was more, but I'm not authorized to publish stuff about 'drag queens who don't get any action'" Our reporter… reported.
Well, it's obvious the cat misses his owner so very much. I bet he's crying his eyes out as we speak…
…Somewhere in the Bahamas…
"Wooo! Shake it girl!" Cat screamed to the girl in front of him, who was wearing an extra-extra-extra-extra small bikini.
…Back to the present place…
Yeah, he's in pain.
Anyways, after figuring out the truth, Hermione made out with Ron, before leaving him for Fred, who apparently wasn't crushed by a wall. Harry banged Ginny on the kitchen table, screaming "Voldemort has been defeated!" the whole time. Molly over-fed everyone, in secret hopes of cooking them all one day. George asked Angelina to marry him, who was so drunk because of Hermione and Fred, she said yes. Ron jumped off a bridge and no one noticed he was gone until years later when Harry needed a Best Man for him and Ginny's wedding. When they figured out he was gone, Harry just decided to make Fred his best man. Bill and Fleur went on to have ten kids, who were all named 'Gorgeous', just in different languages, because they both knew their kids would be if they were coming from them, a fact no one has yet to disagree with. Charlie went off and married a Dragon, which everyone knew he would. That one chick from GoF came back and forced Hagrid into marriage. Dumbledore asked Minerva to go on a date with him, while giggling the whole time. Sirius came back from the dead and had random sex with every woman he saw….And a few men. Remus and Tonks celebrated Teddy's third birthday and ate cake. Arthur bored everyone with his talk about Muggles. Lavender revived Ron, and, grateful for being revived, Ron married her and became what men everywhere called "Whipped". Seamus and Dean came out of the closet after being stuck in it for months… Ron had, in a fit of jealously, locked them in his spare-bed room closet, and after being revived, remembered and apologized and let them out. Lavender revived him again. Luna married some dude just as weird as her and had twin boys whose names both started with a 'l's. Neville married some chick named Hannah, who apparently had some blonde pig-tails when she was a first year.
Or is it? Dun dun dun!
Okay, really: THE END REALLY THIS TIME!
Authors Note: If you were offended, then I'm sorry. This was just a bit of fun. I hope you all enjoyed it! :D